George Clooney attended the United Nations 71st Session of the General Debate yesterday because of their “Bring Your Husband To Work Day” policy, and CNN decided to break the news of the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt split to him live on television. His reply was that “it’s a sad and unfortunate story about a family. I’m sorry to hear that,” while trying not to laugh. You’re not fooling us, George!
George Clooney is 52, and I can imagine that Stacy Keibler and Elisabetta Canalis were super fun and bendy, but there comes a point in every dude’s life when he wants a chick who has her own shit going on and doesn’t base her entire existence on waiting for him to propose because she has nothing else going on in her life and doesn’t want to “waste” her time with a relationship if doesn’t mean a Facebook post showing off her ring in the near future. Amal Alamuddin is a lawyer, human rights activist, author, and a barrister who can keep you from getting extradited when she’s not on the phone with the U.N. She also went to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, so her ability to turn up has been properly vetted. Basically, George Clooney is like maybe the 5th thing this chick thinks about when she wakes up. maybe the 6th. This is why he married her.
Ladies and gentlemen, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are now legally married! E! News can confirm the Hollywood hunk and human rights lawyer finalized their union with a civil ceremony in Venice, Italy, Monday afternoon. The couple arrived at the municipal building at 1:25 p.m. local time. Clooney, wearing a two-piece gray suit, and Alamuddin, wearing a cream pantsuit and a matching hat, waved to well wishers who were gathered outside. A local politician escorted them inside the building to sign the marriage papers. The Clooneys emerged 10 minutes later and looked ecstatic as they held hands and kissed. A local city council press person confirms “the ink was on the paper, finalized, at about 1:30. The rest was just happiness and joy.” The couple got in the boat and went up the canal slowly, with paparazzi in tow and police boats leading the way. “Fans were going wild! People were running alongside the banks,” an eyewitness says. The ceremony comes two days after the couple said “I Do” in a separate private ceremony that was attended by family and close friends including Matt Damon, Bill Murray, John Krasinski, Emily Blunt and more famous faces.
On the other hand, I know there have been a lot of 35-year professional women who look at this for a win for them, but this is really just a one-off. Sorry. Get out there and keep trying, girl!
Oh, sweetie. No. Just no.
But someone came along who changed her mind – tech entrepreneur Jared Pobre, 39, who she started dating a few months after splitting from George Clooney last June and married in March. "When you're with the right person, everything changes," the pregnant 34-year-old told the June/July issue of Fit Pregnancy magazine, while showing off her blossoming baby bump on the cover. "Before we met, both Jared and I had told our parents we didn't think we'd ever get married or have kids," the model and former pro wrestler said. "My epiphany happened shortly after Jared and I started dating, and once we both knew, we didn't hesitate. I just knew I was ready and that there's no one else in the world I would want to do this with." In April, Us Weekly confirmed that the couple is expecting a baby girl.
In July of last year, George Clooney told Stacy Keibler over the phone to pack up her shit and move out after she decided to end things because, "She wants to have children and a family someday. She knows where George stands on that." Now, she's on the cover of a magazine telling everyone she's pregnant because she found "the right person". You know, the person that got her knocked up and married her less than a year after she split from Clooney. So when she says, "when you're with the right person, everything changes" she really means, "when I find a rich dude who is willing to impregnate me, I spread that shit quick, because I'm 34 and I really can't go back to wrestling" but feminism frowns on stuff like that.
Man, it was probably real quiet in Stacy Keibler's house this weekend.
His bachelor days are over! George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are engaged. A source with knowledge of the situation confirms Clooney popped the question and exclusively tells PEOPLE, "George and Amal are trying to keep things very low-key but they also aren't really trying to hide this, it doesn't seem. I think it's like they want the people they love to know that this is real, that they plan on being together forever."
Mark this down as a win for intelligent, accomplished women with their shit together everywhere, because George Clooney is officially engaged to 35-year old international lawyer and activist, Amal Alamuddin. Stacy Keibler looks great in a bikini and used to be a wrestler, Amal Alamuddin respresented Julian Assange in his fight against extradition, is an advisor to former United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan on Syria, and is fluent in three languages. The downside being, you can easily read her name as "Anal A La Mud". Apparently that wasn't a deal breaker.
George Clooney has been spotted with this chick a lot recently, so media reports are saying they are dating. Her name is Amal Alamuddin, and she's an Oxford and New York University School Of Law-educated barrister specializing in International Law (she represented Julian Assange to help fight his extradition), she speaks fluent French, Arabic, and is also a published author. "But, like, how does she look in a bikini?" Stacy Keibler was quoted as saying.
"Hopped up out the bed, turn my swag on called Stacy Keible said what's up?"- George Clooney. Page Six reports:
George Clooney asked Stacey Keibler to move out of his Hollywood home, by phone, about three weeks ago, a source tells Page Six. While Keibler’s clueless publicist strongly denied this to us at the time, we’re told that the actor, who’s currently filming in Europe, asked Keibler to start moving her things out of his house last month. While some outlets reported Keibler decided to end things, our source tells us the opposite.
Stacy Keibler's camp already saying that she had planned to "move out eventually" and that she "never wanted kids". I assume it's the $10 million she made in the last two years by simply putting on a dress and standing next to Clooney at events. I can't do that. Where's my gender equality? This probably won't be covered in my Women's Studies class 🙁
Stacy Keibler is almost 35, leaving George Clooney's penis no choice but to end their relationship. So sorry, future Clooney baby Keibeler thought she was going to get. George Clooney and Stacy Keibler has split. People reports:
George Clooney and Stacy Keibler have split. The couple, who began dating two years ago, apparently want different things in life. "Stacy called it quits. She wants to have children and a family someday. She knows where George stands on that," a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE exclusively. "They talked and they quietly stopped being a couple several weeks ago." The source also says Clooney, 52, and Keibler, 33, will remain on good terms: "They talk every day. They were friends before they started dating and they'll be friends after. It was a friendly [breakup]."
It's always cute when women date George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio then are shocked to learn that no matter how many blowjobs they give that they will never win the financial security they covet that a marriage certificate and a baby will bring. I just want to give them a hug and tell them everything will be okay. Then I'll born them some wine and say "awww" to all the pictures of their cats. And then they gently touch my arm. We share a glance. Then we hump. Then I grow emotionally distant when they ask what I think our baby would look like.
What should come as a surprise to nobody, George Clooney and Stacy Keibler will be breaking up any day now. Us Weekly reports:
Looks like George Clooney’s bachelor status is here to stay. The Argo producer’s year-and-a-half-long romance with girlfriend Stacy Keibler has run its course…Insiders say the pair have been increasingly butting heads in recent months. “They have little in common,” one source explains of the former wrestler, 33, and her 51-year-old beau. “She likes to go out and have fun. She’s been feeling the age difference.”…Clooney’s friends are a factor, too. According to one insider, the Oscar winner’s buddies aren’t wild about Keibler’s pals. Adds another source: “The end is near. It’s a matter of time.”
So it looks like Keibler’s PR people got to the gossip outlets first, because all of sudden, George Clooney is old and has douche friends and just wants to stay home and isn’t any fun except for the easily replaceable model that will bang him as soon as he call them.
George Clooney gave an interview to Italy's Max magazine, and there's a 90% chance he's making this up, but here's two words you'll be saying all day: Ball ironing. The Sun reports:
“I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like the wrinkles. It’s a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It’s called ball ironing,”
This can't be a real thing, right? Ironing your balls sounds like what somebody does when they want the whereabouts of a terrorist. I'll just stick to Botox. My grandma gave me a groupon.
Photo credit = Getty
Because George Clooney needs yet another line to tell chicks to get laid, researchers at Ancestry.com have discovered that he is the 16th President’s half cousin. Or as the royal family calls it, “marriage material”. People reports:
Sexy star George Clooney is distantly related to America’s storied 16th President, Abraham Lincoln, according to Ancestry.com. The finding came recently as Ancestry.com researchers were tracing the president’s lineage in celebration of the upcoming film, Lincoln. “We noticed there were similarities between the names and places of Abraham Lincoln’s tree and George Clooney’s tree,” the genealogy website’s Michelle Ercanbrack tells PEOPLE. “They both have deep roots in Kentucky, so once we honed in on that we were able to find a connection between the two.” The men are connected through Lucy Hanks, who was Lincoln’s maternal grandmother. Marriages and births make Clooney the president’s half-first cousin five times removed. But the men share more than just family, Ercanbrack points out. “Maybe they’re not two men you’d originally put together, but we’ve found some interesting similarities,” Ercanbrack says. “They’re both human rights advocates. … Both are excellent writers. … And obviously both have the talent of being able to grow a really great beard.”
I’ve had the flu for almost a week now, and it’s slowly draining the life out of my body, but all I took for the article is that George Clooney will one day run for political office. I already expect his opponent’s attack ad will show Clooney robbing a casino with Brad Pitt. Ask yourself, do you really want a person who robs casinos to be in Congress?