Since I’m dumb most of the time, I never watched Game Of Thrones until last year because I said it had too many white people to keep track of and it was just a soap opera with dragons. Then I watched all the seasons in like two weeks and now I’m pretty much cracked out (this kinda helped). Season 6 drops next month, so to promote that, all the main chicks on the show got their own Entertainment Weekly cover. Like Sophie Turner. Who might be a drug addict. And Emilia Clarke. Who doesn’t like all the sex scenes. Bitch. And Natalie Dormer‘s hot ass. I would have given the Khaleesi’s 18-year old body double a cover, but they gave one to the kid and the tall lady. The tall lady is ok, I guess.
Full disclosure: I’ve never watched Game Of Thrones until I finished S1 last night, because my girlfriend is a big fan, so she forced me. Full disclosure again: I’m obsessed. Jon Snow is my homey and I wish Prince Joffrey gets pulled apart by horses then set on fire then fed to one of those wolf things then the wolf takes a shit and we bury the shit in a swamp. I know, pretend that sentence is from 2010. Anyway, Mike let all of know that a Emilia Clarke body double exists and this is what she looks like. Her name is Holly mac. She’s 18. She looks like Megan Fox and Emilia Clarke banged in a place where it was all female then Jeff Goldblum said “life finds a way” during the delivery. I would type more buy my penis is writing her a letter on black construction paper.
I watched the first season of Game of Thrones, but it just became way too many people for me to keep up with and it always made me hungry because it kinda looks like a really long commercial for Medieval Times. And when you really watch, every scene is either just two people talking about war and overthrowing the government or somebody getting sexually assaulted or mass murdered. I mean, I can see all that on CNN at any time on basic cable. But fuck all that, because here's the 80s Game of Thrones theme. Probably starring Tom Selleck and Heather Locklear. And Ralph Macchio is his own first cousin. And Brooke Shields and Heather Langenkamp are scissoring each other. But I didn't see it because I have to go to bed after Murder She Wrote. No, you don't need water, Todd. Go to sleep or I swear to God.
Clive Mantle, who plays Greatjon Umber on HBO’s kickass Game of Thrones, was at a Newcastle Travelodge when he got into an argument with some dude and the dude BIT HIS FUCKING EAR OFF. REPEAT, HIS EAR WAS BITTEN OFF HIS FACE. BBC reports:
A spokesman for Mr Mantle’s agent, London-based Sarahband Associates, said surgeons at Newcastle’s Royal Victoria Infirmary had managed to sew the top part of the actor’s right ear back on. He said he believed Mr Mantle was pinned to the floor in the hotel and attacked after asking other guests to keep the noise down. He said: “He is very shaken and shocked by what has happened, you don’t expect this kind of thing to happen in a hotel. “The part of the ear that was bitten off was found and sewn back on. Mr Mantle said the police, ambulance and hospital staff were amazing.”
Damn, son. This sounds like a scene from Game of Thrones. You know the episode I’m talking about: Two people talking for five minutes, orgy, the dwarf says something funny, two people talking for five minutes, somebody gets beheaded, three people talking for five minutes, King Joffrey murders some kittens then drowns a puppy, two people talking for five minutes, some chick gets railed doggystyle, another dude gets beheaded, the dwarf interrupts a meeting, hey dragons, two people talking for five minutes, another chick gets double penetrated, two people talking for five minutes, a guy walks into a hotel and gets his ear bit off. You’ve seen that one. That was a pretty good one.