As we talked about yesterday, Halle Berry‘s fiance and former golden glove, Olivier Martinez, beat the shit out of Gabriel Aubry after Aubry took a swing at Martinez and missed. Here’s what his face looks like now. I’m hoping Jenny Johnson will put her trolling skills to work and reply to every one of Oliver Martinez’s tweets for three years to try to bait him into a reaction so she can act surprised and victimized when he does, but Olivier Martinez isn’t really that famous and doesn’t have a Twitter, so it’s probably not worth it because it won’t get her trending. You really dodged that bullet, Oliver.
Halle Berry has been trying for years to get sole custody of her daughter Nahla that she had with male model Gabriel Aubry (seen above), and the whole process has basically proven what we pretty much already know: Bitches be crazy. So luckily for Halle, Custody Christmas came early when Aubry dropped Nahla off at Halle’s house and her new fiance, Oliver Martinez, was there. TMZ reports:
Gabriel Aubry was arrested Thanksgiving morning after a melee at Halle Berry’s house, which sent both Gabriel and Halle’s fiance Olivier Martinez to the hospital … TMZ has learned. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Gabriel showed up to Halle’s house with Nahla for a custodial hand-off. We’re told Gabriel was still in the motor court (a rich person’s word for a giant driveway) when Olivier walked up to him and said, “We have to move on.” According to witnesses, Gabriel then pushed Olivier and threw a punch at his face, but Olivier blocked it and the punch struck him in the shoulder instead. We’re told Gabriel then pushed Olivier to the ground, and Olivier cold-cocked him in the face, and a struggle ensued, ending with Olivier pinning Gabriel to the ground. In the struggle, Gabriel suffered a broken rib, contusions on his face, and possibly a more serious head injury. Olivier may have broken his hand and suffered neck injuries as well. There are conflicting accounts as to whether Gabriel was rendered unconscious in the fight. Police were called and Olivier made a citizen’s arrest for battery against Gabriel. Gabriel was escorted to the ER and, ironically, Olivier went to the same ER an hour later. The two were just down the hall from each other. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … a judge has issued an emergency protective order, which requires Gabriel to stay 100 yards away from Halle, Olivier, and Nahla.
All I really took from this story is you’d probably have a harder time beating up a Build-A-Bear than you would a 6’2″ French model. If there was another point here, I’m pretty sure I missed it.
By all accounts (my penis), Halle Berry is one of the most beautiful women to have ever walked the Earth. She always came across as graceful, funny, and never seemed to take herself too seriously. So it was always odd when every relationship she was in ended with the guy either beating the living shit out of her or cheating on her the first chance he got. Then she met model Gabriel Aubrey and they had a daughter. Then they split. Then came the child custody battle. Then we realized Halle Berry is batshit and basically Mel Gibson except with way better tits. She’s accused him of being a racist (even though he willingly had sex with Halle Berry), she’s accused him of beating a nanny (a police report was filed but the Los Angeles City Attorney declined to press charges), when that didn’t work she tried to move to France and cut Aubry out all together (ain’t happening). During this time, Aubry has remained quiet and has done anything he possibly can to spend time with his daughter and find ways to pay for his seemingly insurmountable legal fees that Berry hopes to bury him with. Looks like he’s found a way. Radar Online reports:
Halle Berry is working hard to lock her ex-boyfriend and baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, into a non-disclosure agreement to prevent the Canadian born model from spilling all about their tumultuous relationship, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. But, it’s going to cost her dearly, as a source tells RadarOnline.com that Gabriel is sick of being portrayed as “an abusive father, a racist and a fool” and is planning to hit Halle where it hurts — in the wallet. As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Aubry is being urged by his friends to write a tell-all book about his relationship with Berry. And, although he is wary as he wishes to spare the feelings of the warring couple’s daughter, Nahla, a source close to the situation says he has been approached by publishers offering high six figures. “Gabe has finally woken up and is going for the money because he knows there is no way he can fight to keep his daughter without it,” the source says. “If he doesn’t get the money he wants from Halle, he is going to go ahead a write a tell-all. Gabe has two separate high six figure offers on the table from NY publishers. Halle is terrified of this happening; it’s her worst nightmare come true — and she’s talking settlement money but locking Gabe into a non disclosure deal. So one way or another he’s going to get paid.
I could go on and on about double standards and how an unmarried father might as well have the same rights as a stranger on the street in the eyes of the law, but I think Paul said it best in his letter to the Corinthians: “Bitches be crazy.”
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Up until last year, Halle Berry was known as the Oscar-winning actress most likely to get gang raped if she ever stepped foot outside her house without a security detail. Then she broke up with Gabriel Aubry and they had to decide on a custody agreement. Then she got fucking crazy (here and here). They’re in court now. This should turn out well. TMZ reports:
Halle Berry is in family court right now, doing battle with Gabriel Aubry over custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Nahla. Halle’s lawyer filed a very thick stack of documents a few minutes ago, outlining trouble she’s had with Gabriel. We’re told the document lists Gabriel’s alleged failings as a dad. Gabriel didn’t show up, but his lawyer is there.
People need to learn there is a child’s well-being at stake, so instead of a lengthy court battle, they should turn to God’s word. Let the judge be like wise King Solomon. And tell the bailiff to hold the baby upside down and cut it in half with a sword. And whoever screams the loudest loves the baby more. Because, after all, it’s a child’s life. There’s really no reason to bring present facts or have logical discourse about the child’s well being. Put it in God’s hands.
Despite the fact that Halle Berry‘s daughter, Nahla, has a white French-Canadian father and a white mother, Halle Berry says that her daughter is black. TMZ reports:
Halle Berry says it point blank … her daughter is Black — a direct message to her ex Gabriel Aubry who, according to sources, “went nuts” anytime someone called Nahla Black. Halle says in an upcoming interview with EBONY magazine, “I feel she’s Black. I’m Black and I’m her mother, and I believe in the one-drop theory.” The one-drop rule was used during segregation to describe anyone who wasn’t 100% Caucasian.
Wait, one drop of what? Semen? I mean, I only ask because I need to know if two blonde chicks from Vegas woke up this weekend magically transformed into Native Americans. Man, I hope they know about this rule. They shouldn’t have any more problems with financial aid now.
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Well, this explains everything now, doesn’t it? People reports:
In late November, the reality starlet and Canadian model Gabriel Aubry caught a Lakers game and stepped out to watch the movie Burlesque. They then quietly went their separate ways, and by early December, Kardashian was dating pro basketball player Kris Humphries. But sources say that one person took the brief episode seriously: Aubry’s ex, Halle Berry. “Halle was very upset,” says a source close to the actress. “She was upset at the idea of someone like that being in her daughter’s life. She did not want a reality star in Nahla’s life. She was very aggravated.” Another source close to Berry, 44, says the Oscar winner’s reaction had nothing to do with jealousy. “Halle couldn’t care less who Gabriel dates,” says this source. “She just didn’t want Nahla exposed to the cameras that are undoubtedly around a reality star.”
To put things in perspective, Gabriel Aubry and Kim Kardashian were photographed together on a date ONCE, and whatever was going on with them, was over in two weeks. Not once was their kid present, yet Halle Berry flew into a rage and justified it by saying she was only looking out for her child. And to be clear, if she didn’t want her child to be constantly in front of a camera, well, then she should have bought some Plan B. She’s an Oscar winner and one of the hottest women on the planet. Cameras tend to notice that kind of thing. You know, except for the Hasselblad EDC. That’s because it’s a specially designed version of the motorized 500EL intended for use on the surface of the moon. The camera is equipped with a specially designed Biogon lens with a focal length of 60 mm, with a polarization filter mounted on the lens.
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Halle Berry has turned into Oksana Grigorieva during her child custody battle with baby daddy Gabriel Aubry, and now I guess part of that is to find anyone who has ever been involved with Aubry and pay them to come forward with tales of horror and racism. Wait, did I say “pay”? Ok, yeah. That’s what I meant. TMZ reports:
One of Gabriel Aubry’s ex-girlfriends tells TMZ Aubry used to spew anti-black racial slurs so often … she couldn’t believe it when he hooked up with Halle Berry. The woman — who dated Aubry from 2003 to 2005 — tells TMZ he was “very disrespectful to women” for the entirety of their two-year relationship. In fact, the woman also claims Gabriel “has always been a borderline racist.” As TMZ previously reported — sources connected to Halle tell us Gabriel routinely demeaned her with vulgarities … including the N-word. However, the woman claims Gabriel never once laid a hand on her during their relationship. We’re told the ex plans on reaching out to Halle through mutual friends in the near future to offer support. Calls to Gabriel’s camp have not been returned.
I’m not one to deal in sweeping generalizations or stereotypes (*), but can I point out the fact that the dude is French? He’s probably disrespectful to women who he feels don’t have a good lip lining technique or don’t know the proper way to apply eyeliner. Asking a French guy not to be a rude, prancing gaywad is like asking an Asian guy not to apologize after sex.
(*) = hahahaha, fooled you!!
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I really haven’t been following the break up of Halle Berry and model Gabriel Aubry, because trying to side with two rich, beautiful people who have never suffered a moment of unhappiness in their lives is exhausting, but, um, yeah. It’s turned into a fucking shit storm. TMZ reports:
Halle Berry’s baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, called Halle the ‘N’ word, and routinely demeaned her with other vulgarities … sources connected with Halle tell TMZ. We’re told … in addition to calling her the “N” word, he would also call her a “f**king bitch” and other expletives. And the vulgarities are not limited to face-to-face confrontations. There are vulgar text messages as well. As one source told TMZ, “He constantly demeaned her. It was awful.” Gabriel’s reps have not returned our calls.
Wait, they took this word out of Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, so how did he know this word exists? You mean when you pretend words don’t exist, they don’t? And if a black woman does a neck roll and snaps in a circle one too many times will a French model snap and call her this word? So many questions left unanswered, my friends.
Guess how Oscar-winning piece of ass Halle Berry feels about her anonymous model baby daddy giving golden showers. E! Online reports:
Kim Kardashian may be cold as a corpse on Twitter, but her love life is red-hot lately.
And while we’re still swooning over K. finally trading in commitment-phobe ballplayers for some sideline snugglin’ with an über-yummy French-Canadian model, we can’t help but wonder how Gabriel Aubry‘s ex feels about the sitch.
So is Halle ready to keep up with the Kardashians?
Don’t think she’s too worried about who her delish former dude is linked to these days, since she nabbed another French-bred stud, Olivier Martinez, and things seem to be getting semi-serious.
Even if Halle Berry was upset, she doesn’t have much to worry about, because Gabriel Aubry is as lily white as Britney Spears’ Louisiana ass. The best he could offer Kim is Tyson Beckford’s cell number and a referral to a plastic surgeon who can undo those cheek implants.
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Gabriel Aubry, better known as Halle Berry’s sperm donor, is the new face of Charisma. Apparently, Charisma is a line of luxury sheets and towels, but they could be made of dead puppies and Lady Gaga’s chest hair and I’d still be first in line when Bloomingdale’s opens.