Since people will watch basically anything, “Celebrity” Big Brother: USA vs UK kicked off last night and apparently the American contestants include Farrah Abraham, Tila Tequila, Jenna Jameson and a Baldwin. And some other people I don’t know. I’ll say this, when America sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. Maybe the Baldwin. So, congrats to the eventual winner. I guess they can shop on Amazon when they’re in quarantine while scientists attempt to discover a cure.
In 24 short years, Farrah Abraham got pregnant as a teenager, got a DUI, and rammed in the ass by a porn star in a sex tape, so obviously she has a lot to celebrate. So she got into a bikini for her 24th birthday in Vegas, because that’s where whores usually end up. Either there or The Bachelor. I guess her body is okay, but that face. Dude. Look at her face. Caitlyn Jenner is more convincing.
Because fake tits and psychotherapy are expensive, Farrah Abraham is now stripping at Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin. But since this is Farrah Abraham and her mind is deluded, she claims this is for “research”. Okay.
“I’m doing research,” the 23-year-old explains to E! News exclusively. “A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.” The gentlemen’s club source tells us guys were swarming the stage with money when Abraham was on stage. At one point, she laid down on her back and ripped her bra off. “She was definitely not shy and looked like she knew what she was doing,” the insider said. “She was wearing a nude thong and bejeweled bra. She wasn’t awkward at all and was actually quite good.”
To be clear, this isn’t research, Farrah Abraham is employed there. If you get paid to take your clothes off at a place where women take their clothes off, you’re a stripper. I mean, it’s really not that hard to come to that conclusion. Like the time she got paid to get ass fucked on camera with a male porn star then packaged and sold by Vivid. That wasn’t a “sex tape” that was porn. Or like the time I bent Jessica Lowndes over her kitchen counter and choked her while she came like she was having a seizure. That was “masturbating in the shower”.
We've already seen how Farraha Abraham performs with a glass dildo up her ass, so now let's all take a look at her video for "Blowin'" (haha subtle sexual innuendo with another meaning!). As you might expect, it's just as lifeless and devoid of any human emotion. You know, just like her sex tape. Also, the song sucks. Like the song title. She's "blowin', blowin' blowin' all these bullies away". Hard to tell if she means that in the figurative sense or not.
In addition to being horrifically unattractive and just weird looking, like seriously, have you really looked at her? She's fucking weird looking. Anyway, in addition to that, she's next level dumb. One of the drawbacks of being a being a spoiled princess, is that everyone else in the world aren't your parents. Only they blindly believe your bullshit. So, now, the chick who has been caught in so many lies she should be a dolphin in Japan, is now telling everyone that she hates sex and wants to be a virgin or a nun. Read that last part again. I know, dude. I know. Celebuzz reports:
Sorry, guys. Farrah Abraham has given up on the back door… and the front door, for that matter….In fact, she’s so disenchanted with movie-making love-making that not only ruined her life, but her sex life as well. So she’s taking a vow of celibacy. Cue applause. “People use sex for power and manipulation when sex is supposed to be enjoyable and great,” she told Life & Style. “I don’t feel that, I want to be a virgin forever — or a nun. “I don’t feel like sex is what it used to be.”
I mean, you'd think that someone who had a porn star blow in her face and another human come out of her vagina, would know the meaning of the word "virgin" by now, but apparently not. Yes, sex isn't the same anymore because you're a porn star now. Sex is only great when you're inot the person and that person is into you. If not, you're just jerking off into a human. She's a self-proclaimed Christian, so it's no surprise that she thinks she can just make something up in her head and it'll happen. I've read the Bible more than once, and I don't remember Jesus laying hands on any hymens. Jesus didn't do hymens. Curing blindness, keeping the party going, beating the shit out of capitalists, stuff like that. No hymens as I recall. He did catch wicked air on his jetski that one time. Oh man, that Jesus! Always showing off!
Well, I made the mistake yesterday in believing something Farrah Abraham said, so today has come to remind me this vapid ho is Satan as is not to be trusted. Of course her rape story was a way to preemptively have a built in excuse when her new porn comes out. Did I mention she has a new porn coming out? Because she has a new porn coming out. Radar Online reports:
Despite Farrah Abraham‘s insistence that she was done with the porn industry, America hasn’t seen the last of her X-rated romps. Celebrity sex tape titans Vivid Entertainment announced today that they are releasing a sequel to her blockbuster sex tape Backdoor Teen Mom called Farrah 2: Backdoor and More, and only RadarOnline.com has all the dirty details. A source exclusively told Radar back in September that Vivid was in possession of approximately one hour of unreleased footage from the reality TV starlet’s initial sex tape shoot with James Deen. At the time, Vivid refused to confirm or deny whether they would make use of that material. Now, a rep says that despite rumors of unreleased footage, the new feature is not the same old sex tape. “What we are releasing next week is a completely different movie,” the rep tells Radar. In addition, Vivid Entertainment founder and co-chairman Steven Hirsch tells Radar exclusively, “The new Farrah footage is off the charts! She could definitely teach a few porn stars some moves. The Couples Therapy star’s latest skin flick will be released on Vivid.com on February 13 — just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Uh, I watched the first one, and she looked like a chick who spent 12 lab hours watching porn to see how she should perform in a porn. She basically tried to fit everything (pun wasn't intended but roll with it) she saw into one porn and the result was a tecnical, boring, mechanical video of a fame whore having sex with a paid porn star. Even the glass dildo requested to have its face blurred.
Yeah. Let's just get this over with. inTouch Weekly reports:
Couple’s Therapy star Farrah Abraham opened up about her past on the show— but now she’s exposing even more, revealing her dark past of rape and abuse. In the new issue of In Touch, Farrah, 22, exclusively reveals, “I was drugged and raped more than once. I allowed the [wrong] type of people into my life,” she says, adding that after the release of her porn movie, she booked appearances at strip clubs and porn conventions that put her in unsafe situations. “It was a very dark time.”
Just like in everyday life, you treat and care for people to the extent they allow you to treat them and care for them, so I was all ready to say Farrah Abraham made all this up, because in reality, she makes up a lot of shit. Like, a lot of shit. The porn that wasn't as porn. God. The boyfriend on Couples Therapy. The pregnancy by James Deen. Her tits. She truly is a pathological liar who will literally do anything (including a glass dildo up the ass on camera) if it means she will get even a shred of attention. But unfortunately, or fortunately, I was raised by all women (which explains a lot of great things and many horrific things about me), so if a female calls rape, I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt. Mostly, because I'm pretty sure a woman knows when she's being raped or being forced to do something she doesn't want to do. If you're a dude, and this your thing, or it gives you some kind of pleasure to treat women badly, you're basically less than human and if there was a vote to chemically castrate you, I'd vote for it. Farrah Abraham is a vile stain on humanity, but even she doesn't deserve that. I'm gonna still call her a bitch though. I mean, let's get too carried away here. Also, what's the deal with her face? That can't be comfortable.
If you can make it through this video without dry heaving looking at Farrah Abraham's horrifically unfortunate face, she drops a bunch of hints about doing a "gig" in NYC then name drops Comedy Central. I guess when you stick a glass dildo up your ass on camera magical things can happen.
As told in The Book of Ruth, God's chosen one, Farrah Abraham, lied about making a sex tape then set the guy she made it with up to further her fame, then she traveled to a distant land in Chatsworth, CA to take a mold of her vagina so she can sell technically sell her pussy without being a prostitute. Radar Online reports:
The Teen Mom turned porn star is taking her sex symbol status to a whole new level with a new line of sex toys molded from her private parts — and only RadarOnline.com has the behind-the-scenes video of how Farrah stripped down to have the toys made! Farrah sat for a molding of a replica of her lower half and breasts during a recent visit to sex toy company Topco Sales. Crafted using the company’s world-renowned CyberSkin materials, the replicas of her body parts will be sold alongside toys and novelty items hand-selected by Farrah. As this exclusive behind-the-scenes video shows, Farrah was thrilled to browse the selection of samples during a recent visit to company headquarters, happily posing for photos with oversized dildos, vibrators, and sex dolls. “We’re thrilled to have been selected to partner with such a media-savvy celebrity,” Scott Tucker, the company’s CEO, told Radar. “We’re eagerly looking forward to working with Farrah on promoting her amazing new line of pleasure products and we’re twice as thrilled to bring these new products to her fans around the world.”
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Sorry, the sun just up came in NC. I embedded the video just so you can see the part where Farrah says, "Ok, so the thing about The Rabbit, like, I have one at home, and also like the anal part on it, like, the anal parts are never like long enough. So I want that changed." And then the other lady's reaction is just to simply nod and do a "K" in her head. Anyway, Farrah Abraham looks like a Transfomer that turns into horse, so hopefully they'll make that toy at some point.
Hey, remember when Chrissy Teigen died for our sins when Jezebel wrote this unshaved vagina takedown piece calling her ignorant because Chrissy dared to call a Farrah Abraham a slut for lying about her sex tape? Apparently slut-shaming is more vile and disgusting than a slut passes off a porn as a private, leaked sex tape for money. Good times, good times. Now feminists must be kicking themselves in their fake dicks today because the Farrah Abraham flag they picked up like Denzel in Glory has the wrong definition of "feminism" written on it. Oops:
Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I'm pretty feminine. I think so.
Not feminine — feminist.
What does that mean, you're a lesbian or something?
No, that's not what I'm asking at all.
What context are you saying it in?
It's a complicated concept, but I guess at its most basic, it means that women are equal to men.
Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day.
Please keep in mind as you read this, her porn tape was planned with Vivid. She wanted to make a porn, Vivid hired James Deen, and they banged on camera. Immediately afterward, Farrah Abraham made sure she was spotted buying a pregnancy test to insinuate Deen got her pregnant. Walter White has nothing on this bitch. So all of that is just my segue into this: Farrah Abraham claims repeatedly that she's a Christian, and now I'm starting to believe her, because she tells lies to herself much that she actually believes them now.
I've heard you speak about how your sex tape came about, and I don't understand the narrative. Can you expand on it?
Basically, how my sex tape came about is how I live my life. I'm 22, I'm very sexual, I'm single. A boyfriend of mine at the time, which was James [Deen], is in the industry and makes videos all the time, and so I thought it was a comfortable situation to have my only sex video with him. Proved me wrong, obviously, because it was leaking out, and I was starting to have people reach out to me. Maybe he did that because he wanted to promote his film at the time, The Canyons, which was coming out with Lindsay Lohan. So it turned into a hurtful chain of events, so I involved my lawyer. Other companies were reaching out and wanted to buy it, so I ended up selling it. And against all odds of everybody else telling me not to sell it, not to do it or whatever — it was already out, it was already going to be out there for free. So I made a business deal out of it. I'm smart, and I'm happy that I did that.
I wonder if feminists are going to buy Chrissy something from her bridal registry? hahaha jk they don't believe in that. You can't be married to a cat and a man at the same time, that's just stupid. We don't know their cat's name yet, because it's hard to find a gender neutral cat name. They knitted it a sweater with a picture of Margaret Atwood on it to balance out its masculine engergy.