Eva Longoria Could Use Some Squats

I mean, at 38, Eva Longoria is still kinda getting it done, but Mexicans are already great runners, so Eva should focus on squats instead. Or maybe leg raises. And throw in some lunges. And maybe take off the baseball cap. And put on some makeup. Christ, Eva. Do I have to think of everything?

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Eva Longoria Is A Corporate Shill, Links

Brooklyn Decker is in a bikini [The Superficial]
More sexy Jennifer Love Hewitt promo shots [Popoholic]
Hilary Duff didn’t lose her baby weight overnight [Hollywood Tuna]
Miley Cyrus forgot to put on underwear (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Mike Wallace passed away at 93 [Dlisted]
Kate Upton says Happy Easter (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Lea Michele is in a bikini [Celebuzz]
Lindsay Lohan might have assaulted someone [Celebitchy]
The big dick birth defect [College Humor]
This guy is way better than Katniss [The Chive]
Jessica Alba is festive [Moe Jackson]
Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are shacking up [Celebslam]
Lisa Rinna is pimping adult diapers now [The Blemish]
Bobbie Kristina wants to play her mom in a biopic [Evil Beet (more…)

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Eva Longoria Is A Drug Mule

Or a terrorist. Or a werewolf. Or a warlock skilled in the dark arts. Or a shark. Or an alien cyborg sent here to study our ways then kill us. Or whatever it takes to make TSA force her hot little ass do this every time she steps foot in an airport.

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A Taste Of Mexico

I’m just going to ignore the fact that I can go down Hillborough St. and walk into El Rodeo and get everything in this cookbook without the pretentious anecdotes and heartwarming stories about an abuela, but is it me or has Eva Longoria become a billion times hotter since her divorce? I think she has. And that’s pretty much the point of this post. Good day.

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Eva Longoria’s Love Is Permanent

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker‘s marriage is over, but they’ll always have their memories (and probably herpes). Oh, and their tattoos. The New York Daily News reports:

Shortly after the couple wed in an elaborate ceremony in Italy three years ago, they had the Roman numerals of their wedding date, 7/7/07, tattooed on their bodies. Longoria had the date inked on the inside of her right wrist, while Parker made the romantic gesture of having it put on his left ring finger.

As if that weren’t symbolic enough, the actress also had Parker’s jersey number, “Nine,” tattooed on the back of her neck the next year. Several months later, Parker followed suit and had the same inscription placed on his right hand.

According to TMZ.com, Longoria also has Parker’s initials tattooed in a private part of her body.

This would be a lot worse if she weren’t rich enough to get this shit lasered off. I’d leave Tony Parker’s initials though. If they’re where we think they are, “TP” could just serve as a reminder to use some.

I searched for “tattoo” and “bikini,” and Michelle Hunziker came up. She and Eva Longoria both have tattoos, but only one of them has breasts.

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Eva Longoria Is Diabolical

If details about Eva Longoria and Tony Parker‘s divorce seemed sketchy at first, then BOOM!, the hammer was dropped by an “exclusive” with Us Magazine the next day followed by someone “leaking” Erin Barry‘s name to the press, then don’t be alarmed. You aren’t confused. Eva Longoria just set Tony Parker up like a French bowling pin. Radar Online reports:

Eva Longoria didn’t just file for divorce against Tony Parker, she made sure to get revenge for his sexting relationship with another woman….When Desperate Housewives star Eva discovered the relationship and the texts her marriage blew up and she and Tony agreed to divorce. “But Eva was hurt and she wanted a little revenge,” the source revealed. “So she blindsided Tony with the divorce filing. “They were working out the details about who was going to file and when. They didn’t want it to become a messy divorce. Then Eva got a little revenge and didn’t tell Tony she was filing and dropped the papers on him, catching him off balance for the media blitz.” While some reports have said the texts between Tony and Erin were “innocent” that’s absolutely not true, RadarOnline.com learned. The texts were flirtatious and sexual and “crossed the line,” a source close to the situation revealed. Erin’s marriage to Brent is over, the source says, and while she and Parker traded sexual texts Parker insists their relationship never became physical. “Look, any wife is going to be upset with what Tony did, but he swears the relationship with Erin stopped there and they never had sex,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “And Parker also says the text messages ended months ago.” Even so, Eva and Tony agreed many weeks ago to divorce. “They were discussing how to proceed for a while,” the source said. “Suddenly, Eva not only filed the papers but then went public with Tony’s relationship with Erin. He was surprised, to say the least.” When one website mistakenly published that Tony filed divorce papers in Texas it was not simply a glaring error. Tony, in fact, had planned to file divorce papers in Texas, but then the plan changed. “He held off,” the source said. “It had been discussed but then abandoned. Next thing he knew she surprised him by filing on Wednesday.

We got door prizes! We got free refreshments! We got a bouncy house for the kids! Hell, we even got rocking chairs for your grandma! We got everything down here, folks! C’mon on down here and see it! The point is folks, I’ll do anything to get your business! People, c’mon down past Exit 70 on the service road! It’s CRAZY BITCH DAY at IDLYITW!!!

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Tony Parker Banged Erin Barry, His Teammate’s Wife

Eva Longoria filed for divorce from Tony Parker after she found “over 100″ text messages from an unidentified female. That female? Erin Barry. Brent Barry’s wife. Apparently Tony got a 2 for 1 coupon at the Let’s Ruin A Marriage store. Huffington Post (via Bryan Armen Graham) reports:

The other woman is Erin Barry, the wife of Tony’s former Spurs teammate Brent Barry, according to Sports Illustrated writer Bryan Armen Graham. “Have it on good authority from entertainment sources that “former teammate” in Tony Parker-Eva Longoria affair is Brent Barry,” Graham tweeted. “Don’t have much else on Parker/Longoria affair. Source did mention Barry and wife are going through a divorce.” And: “Longoria said she found text messages from wife of a former teammate on Parker’s phone. Source says former teammate was Barry.”

Well, that’s kinda shitty. But in Tony Parker’s defense, he’s French. That’s what they do. You know, except surrendering and bicycling to picnics. In Erin’s defense, she’s not Mexican and doesn’t take pictures without makeup. This was inevitable.

EXCLUSIVE: IDLYITW has obtained video taken of Tony and Erin on a camera phone.

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Tony Parker Cheated On This. How Could He?

The people who didn’t remember Eva Longoria was alive yesterday, yawned with bored indifference when they heard the news that she was divorcing her husband of three years. Hopefully a sordid tale involving an unlimited data plan will pique their interest! Unlimited, I say! Us Magazine reports:

Eva Longoria Parker and Tony Parker have split after three years of marriage, Us Weekly reveals in its newest issue, on stands Wednesday. Multiple sources tell Us Weekly that Longoria Parker, 35, recently discovered that her husband, 28, has been exchanging personal texts with a mutual female friend for nearly a year — hundreds in just one month. She plans to file for divorce soon, sources tell Us. “Eva is heartbroken by the betrayal,” says one insider, adding that her husband confessed to the inappropriateness – which took place for nearly a year – after she confronted him. Adds another friend, “Once the trust was lost, the marriage was over.”

Hundreds! Did you hear that?! Hundreds! Whatever. I’m already bored. If Tony Parker was married to Evan Longoria then this story might be more interesting. Because they would be gay, you see. And two gay athletes in a divorc..wait, I’m bored again. Oh well. Moving along.

UPDATE: Eva now wants spousal support. She denied the divorce rumors yesterday, you know, because the new “exclusive” US Weeklyhadn’t came out yet accusing Tony of cheating. It’s hard playing the helpless victim when TMZ scoops your ass and screws up your well orchestrated plan.

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Eva Longoria Is Single. Possibly.

San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker, 28, and actress Eva Longoria, 35, have reportedly split and headed for divorce. TMZ reports:

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are getting divorced … TMZ has learned. Tony filed for divorce yesterday in Texas. The “Desperate Housewives” actress and the San Antonio Spurs star married back in July of 2007. Eva has stated that she has Tony’s initials tattooed on her body … in a mystery spot. She also has Tony’s jersey number — “Nine” — tattooed on the back of her neck.

Como se dice “damage control“?

A rep for Eva Longoria tells TMZ our story that Tony Parker filed for divorce is not true. TMZ reported that Tony had filed for divorce. Two clerks at the Bexar County Courthouse in Texas had told us the case was filed and sealed by a family law judge. But Eva’s rep tells us Tony did not file and does not even have a divorce lawyer. Another clerk at the courthouse now tells us she’s in charge of sealed cases and says no such case has crossed her desk.

I always thought Eva Longoria spent way too much time with and was way too friendly with Mario Lopez, but I also get the feeling that he’s just a Mexican Ken Paves. So I don’t know. Maybe Eva put Goya products in Tony’s crepes without his knowledge. What am I, a psychic?

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