Leonardo DiCaprio Dumped Erin Heatherton Because He Was Bored

Leonardo DiCaprio‘s penis roams the Earth like a roaring lion seeking to penetrate every Victoria’s Secret model, so it’s not surprising when the news broke last week that he dumped Erin Heatherton. Did she cheat on him? Did they not have good communication? Did they have different political views? Not really. He just got tired of fucking her 🙁 Chicago Times reports:

When it comes to Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends, they may be endearing, but they’re seldom enduring. The latest lovely to exit the superstar’s life is Skokie native and Niles North grad Erin Heatherton — a major supermodel, cover girl and famous Victoria’s Secret “Angel.” The duo reportedly have split very amicably — which is almost always the way DiCaprio breaks things off. “With Leo, there rarely is any big drama or ugly scene,” said a longtime friend of the actor Sunday. “Leo is a total gentleman, but when it comes to women, he just gets, well, bored. He’s a very bright guy and so far, with the exception of maybe [ex-girlfriends] Bar [Rafaeli] and Giselle [Bundchen], he often finds he loses interest pretty quickly. You can only keep interested because of the sexual attraction for so long.”

I know people who have unattractive wives or girlfriends have to believe that DiCaprio is gay and they will voice that opinion in the comments. They might also say Erin Heatherton is too skinny and needs a sandwich. They might also record a lot of Bravo on their DVR.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Is Playing With Erin Heatherton’s Mind

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Erin Heatherton must still be on the fence about anal, because Leonardo DiCaprio has pulled the classic “you want to meet my mother?” He’s so in there! New York Post reports:

Leonardo DiCaprio and Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton can’t keep their hands off each other. “It is nonstop PDA,” a source said of their hot-and-heavy relationship. DiCaprio introduced Heatherton to his mother, Irmelin, over a well-behaved New Year’s Day brunch at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles. “The meeting went well, and Mom and Erin were seen laughing,” our source said. Leo is very close to his mom, whose approval is key to his relationships.

The last time we saw Erin Heatherton, she was spending $1,700 in lingerie just so she could get on Leo’s plane, now she’s probably masturbating to Titanic right after she called all her friends and told them to save the date because her and Leo are getting married soon and omg we’re going to Maldives guys and then we’ll have two kids one boy and one girl and I’ll dress them up and we’ll have two dogs and a cat or two cats and a dog but I don’t know because Leo loves polar bears so we may get one of those or a bird and what color should the nursery be blue I’m thinking blue no pink oh and my last name will be DiCaprio and I’ll be a great mother and great wife because Leo introduced me to his mother and I can totally tell she loves me oh god I think my ovaries just dropped leo leo leo married leo leo leo pregnant leo. “Hey, when does this chick turn 25 again? Three years? Let’s save that date instead.” – Leonardo DiCaprio

To understand the true mentality of us men, start at 7:07:

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Leonardo DiCaprio Is Up In This Now

While filming The Great Gatsby in Australia, Leonardo DiCaprio was banging two Australian models. But you can only bang two Australian models simultaneously for so long before you get bored, so sometimes you have to bang a 22-year old Victoria’s Secret model from Illinois. Herald Sun reports:

LEONARDO DiCaprio’s Christmas will be a splendid one if current flame Erin Heatherton’s shopping splurge is an indication. The gorgeous American Victoria’s Secret model yesterday swept into Sydney lingerie shop Elegantly Scant and snapped up almost $1700 worth of frillies. Heatherton has been at DiCaprio’s side for the past month, the couple having their first public sighting in Sydney at a martial arts contest on December 9 at Luna Park. Now it seems the leggy model is planning to fly home with DiCaprio tomorrow and, perhaps tired of her collection of Victoria’s Secret scanties, is in need of some new nightwear to keep DiCaprio interested..

Just to put this in perspective, a Victoria’s Secret model has to make an emergency run to a lingerie shop and spend $1,700 just to better her chances of being allowed to board Leo’s plane. Now go walk over to your girlfriend who’s wearing sweatpants while she’s wrapping presents and make it sound like you love her. Let me know if you need me to walk you through it.

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Erin Heatherton Is New Here

I know it’s not as exciting as saying I had some vague site issues, but I tore my ACL yesterday, so to make it up to you, here’s Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton in a bikini. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but on her resume I think she should put “wearing a bikini” under the Special Skills section.

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Lady Gaga Is A Mean One

Lady Gaga, who swears she lives for her “little monsters,” showed her appreciation for their support this weekend. The Toronto Sun reports:

The Poker Face star returned to the U.K. capital with her Monster Ball tour and was at her controversial best when a fan threw a doll of Father Christmas onto the stage.

Gaga accepted the gift – but then stunned the audience by biting into it with her teeth before finishing it off with the heel of her shoe.

She told her victim, “I hate the holidays. I’m alone and miserable you f**king stuffed little toy.”

But Gaga made up for her aggression later in the set, by reading segments of a book another devotee handed to her.

Attacking a stuffed animal that some poor soul with poor taste gave you? Now that’s metal. Though in Gaga’s defense, she probably thought it was a chew toy. Just like this guy did. Except, you know, with a live fucking bat.

Here’s Erin Heatherton in the fitting room at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. If you’re upset that there aren’t more Lady Gaga photos here, you should probably be reading Perez instead.

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