Eric Johnson Cheated On Jessica Simpson With His Ex-Wife



Long story short, Eric Johnson was married to Keri Johnson until she kicked him out of the house, so he started dating Jessica Simpson and moved in because he was broke. Keri and Eric were allegedly “estranged” when he started dating Jessica, but apparently his penis and her vagina were the last to know. Radar Online reports:

The couple was already having problems, but it wasn’t until later when they officially decided to take a break, “hoping it would ultimately make their marriage stronger,” according to one of Keri’s confidantes. Meanwhile, Eric jumped headfirst into his relationship with the sexy singer, which sparked outrage with his ex-wife’s friends.
“He’s a two-timing cheat!” alleges one pal. “He was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. She needs to think twice before marrying him. He’s already cheated on her once — he’ll most likely do it again.”

I can’t tell if this is just some of the evil shit that women do (“he’s cheating on you, guuurrlll!”), or if Eric Johnson was actually banging two women at once. Because the story sounds true, but I know that all men don’t like banging two women at once. It never crosses our mind. From the day we’re born, we dream of our wedding and the chance to spend the rest of our lives with one woman. Sex is emotional for us and it would be hard for us to share our feelings and our precious gift with more than one woman at a time. Dating is sacred and as soon as we commit to a woman, no other woman exists. We would never put ourselves in any situation where we could potentially have multiple pieces of pussy on rotation. Quite frankly, the more I think about it, the more I find this whole allegation disgusting. How long will men have to be tortured? Our bodies don’t belong to you! OUR BODIES OUR CHOICE!

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What A Happy Couple



Even though a dragon could be attacking your house and you could still pick out a better outfit than what Jessica Simpson has on here, it’s good to see that she can keep active with her fiance by staying involved and aware of America’s sociopolitical climate. Like in these pictures taken Monday night. When they were on their way to Occupy Carl’s Jr.

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Jessica Simpson Turned 31

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Then she gave Eric Johnson her credit card and told him to come back with the one that looks like a mountain of spray cheese. Mama like spray cheese. Too Fab reports:

Jessica Simpson got a pricey gift from her fiance for her 31st birthday — the elusive Birkin bag! Simpson, who turned 31 on Sunday, posted the above photo on her Twitter last night, exclaiming “Eric made my birthday!!! I have never been more surprised in my life! Jackie O who? ;)” The orange bag is definitely a status symbol in the fashion world, where waiting lists once existed for the Hermes line.

Let me preface this by saying this is gonna sound way more sexist than it should, but unlike men who have a constant supply of fresh, young vagina at out disposal because we tend to get better looking with age, maximize our earning power later in life, and some of us can tell a joke, women always have a hard expiration date. And at 31, women, at best, have about three good years left. It doesn’t matter how hot or rich or powerful they are, women hit the wall and no penis or love will ever find them. Jessica Simpson might have six months. She went from the hottest thing on the planet to a fat drunk in five years, so I guess buying yourself a Hermes bag and pretending your unemployed fiance bought it is small victory. Just like when they upsize her fries for free.

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Jessica Simpson Is Too Fat To Get Married

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Jessica Simpson should really enter a stress eating contest now, because her fiance, Eric Johnson, says he can’t marry someone who has to shop at Dick’s Sporting Goods for a wedding dress. National Enquirer reports:

Diet or we’re done!” Jessica Simpson’s expanding waistline prompted an ugly ultimatum like that from her fiance Eric Johnson – and pals say the blonde beauty is heartsick over vicious weight-related fights that are jeopardizing their wedding plans. The 5-foot-3 singer is rapidly approaching the 150-pound mark because of her love for Mexican food, margaritas and “anything fried,” an insider told The Enquirer. “And now it looks like her weight gain is ripping them apart!” Eric, a former San Francisco 49ers football player, proposed in early November after a six-month courtship. “He is in tip-top shape and feels like Jessica is letting herself go,” divulged the insider. “They’ve recently had some brutal fights, and finally Eric basically told Jess if she didn’t lose weight soon, he was calling the whole thing off.”

Eric Johnson is a former professional athlete and a vegan. Jessica Simpson is currently retarded and eats like a zombie who just walked into a daycare. So, long story short, I completely believe this story. It’s hard to be in love with a woman when you’re pretty sure her vows are gonna include the words “Are you gonna finish that?”

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Jessica Simpson Didn’t Have Turkey

Yeah, this marriage will last. Per the New York Daily News:

“For Thanksgiving we have to make a Tofurkey!” she said, noting that beau Eric Johnson is a vegan.

“After getting out of the NFL, [Eric] went to this healer and is very healthy,” she explained. “When [he] cooks vegan, it’s good.”

But that doesn’t mean she’s entirely sold on the idea.

About a Tofurkey, a dish made of tofu, Simpson admitted, “It doesn’t sound right! It’s gonna be jiggly and weird.”

Jessica Simpson calling anything else “jiggly and weird” doesn’t make sense, but Jessica Simpson going vegan makes perfect sense, because she adapts her character to whomever she’s dating (Barbie and Ken here, brunette intellectual here, and football fan here). Plus, you don’t need to eat meat if you get your protein from other sources. But dude, does Eric Johnson ejaculate success? Because that’s still the only way I can see her backing away from a Butterball.

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Jessica Simpson Isn’t Demanding A Prenup. Again.

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If you took an X-ray of Jessica Simpson’s brain, it would be a car on blocks so this this makes absolute perfect sense. Popeater reports:

If you think it’s odd that Jessica Simpson announced she’s tying the knot with former footballer Eric Johnson just days after her ex, Nick Lachey, announced his engagement to longtime girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo, you might think it’s even stranger that everyone’s favorite blonde will once again say “I do” without a prenuptial agreement in her pocket. “Nick walked away with over $10 million of her money when they divorced, because they had no prenup. You would think she would have learned her lesson,” an insider tells me. “But where romance is concerned, Jess follows her heart not her head.” Although hopeless romantic Jessica has no concern over her estimated $100 million fortune, sources tell me Papa Joe, who as her manager gets 10 percent of every dime she makes, does. “At the moment, Joe is sitting back and being a great father, supporting his daughter and his future son-in-law,” a family friend tells me. “However, you can bet after all the excitement has died down, Joe is going to do everything in his power to make sure Jessica doesn’t walk down the aisle until Eric signs away any right he might have to Jessica’s enormous fortune.”

As you read this, please keep in mind that Jessica Simpson met Eric Johnson in May. Of this year. May 2010. Six months ago. His divorced was finalized in September. Now she wants to marry him without a prenup. I don’t know how his Yale economics professor would grade this, but I assume it would be a giant A+ neon sign with a bunch of exclamation points and a smiley face.

Note: Hey, remember when I joked yesterday that Jessica Simpson bought her own engagement ring? Well, turns out it wasn’t joke. Eric Johnson must have a dong like a python.

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Jessica Simpson Is Well Timed, Engaged

This will end well. Us Weekly reports:

Sources confirm to UsMagazine.com that the singer, 30, became engaged to beau Eric Johnson on Thursday, just days after Us broke the news that her ex-husband, Nick Lachey, popped the question to Vanessa Minnillo, his love of nearly five years. Simpson and Lachey, 37, split in 2005, after three years of marriage.

The Texas native began dating the former NFL player in May while he was estranged from his first wife,
stylist Keri Johnson; their divorce was finalized five months later.

Though Ashlee Simpson-Wentz recently told Us that her sister “is happy, so we’re all really happy,” sources insist that most of Simpson’s friends are concerned about Johnson’s motives for dating the singer.

“Eric was never that successful in the NFL, but he’s always wanted the celebrity lifestyle,” a source told Us in October. “Her friends do not trust him.”

I think Jessica’s friends are a little too jaded, because I don’t buy this “celebrity lifestyle” excuse. Her recent gigs have been this, this, this, and this. Unless Eric Johnson’s idea of fame is being photographed while his wife sings requiems for pet cemeteries in South Dakota, I’m pretty certain his intentions are pure.

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Jessica Simpson Is Drunk With Happiness



Guys, when you find that special lady, it’s always good to find out her interests and what makes her smile then do that as much as possible. That’s why every picture taken of Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson taken since they’ve been together is of them either entering or leaving a restaurant. Like these pictures taken outside Nobu last night. I’m not saying Jessica Simpson had too much to drink, but there’s a good chance her panties might be in her to go box.

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