Please Pray For This Child

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If you have any spare footballs or action figures lying around, please send them to wherever Elton John lives, because Elton John and David Furnish just introduced their new baby, Zachary. Look, I’m all about people rescuing unwanted kids and giving them a better life, but couldn’t these two queens have adopted a girl? At least then when she sings Judy Garland at her 1st grade talent show and wears a bedazzled bolo tie for picture day she won’t get her ass kicked during recess. What’s really gonna be amazing is when little Zachary gets married to some dude named Kyle, and people will marvel and wonder about how Elton managed to pick out the one gay baby at the adoption agency. What random luck! What great fortune! Because people are born gay, you see, and it in no way is decided by external factors and the fact that your parents are gayer than a key party in Sparta.

Note: Apparently, one of them ejaculated in a cup and inseminated a surrogate female. Or as Elton John describes it, “OMG, ewwwww!”

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Lily Allen and Elton John: Girl Fight!



Lily Allen co-hosted the GQ Men of the Year Awards with Elton John in London last night, and surprise, she got drunk and made a complete ass out of herself. Imagine that! The Daily Mail says:

As the evening wore on, Lily’s state gradually deteriorated as she continually sipped champagne on stage. The 23-year-old, decked out in an extravagant ballgown, soon began slurring, swearing and ad-libbing – and it was only a matter of time before she had an all-too-public fall-out on stage with co-host Elton. When she came to announce ‘…and now the most important part of the night’, Elton chipped in ‘What? Are you going to have another drink?’ She fired back: ‘F*** off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!’ The shocked audience fell silent. A clearly rattled Elton replied ‘I could still snort you under the table’. To which she replied: ‘F*** off. I don’t know what you are talking about.’ On more than one occasion, Elton could be seen having a stern word with her in the wings between awards. She barely made it off the stage after the awards ended – before drinking even more at the afterparty.”

I don’t know what Lily Allen is thinking. Everybody knows you don’t fuck with a old bitchy queen. They’re dangerous. I was attacked by one once and I had glitter in my hair for like a whole week. You hear that? A whole week!

Photos: Splash

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Diana and Dodi Might Have Been Engaged



The British inquest into Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed’s deaths produced a receipt for a “bague fiancaille” (a.k.a. “engagement ring”) which was purchased by Dodi the day of his and Diana’s fatal car accident.

The jury was shown a copy of the receipt dated August 30, 1997, with the words “bague fiancaille”, which means engagement ring in French, printed on it. They were also shown unedited CCTV images of Fayed in the jewellery store, which is on the same square as the Ritz Hotel, where the pair were staying, and the images showed Fayed examining the ring in the store after it had closed to the public the afternoon he purchased it. The CCTV images showed Fayed later returning to the couple’s Imperial suite at the Ritz, where Diana spent the afternoon, holding only a brochure from the jewellery store. Claude Roulet, an assistant to the hotel’s president, is then seen in the footage returning to the store shortly afterwards to pick up an object in a bag which he then takes to the couple’s suite. The footage subsequently showed Roulet putting the bag in the Ritz’s strong room, before Fayed and Diana leave the hotel for the last time.”

All of this is sad and all, but it’s not nearly as sad as what happened to me the other day. I was minding my own business, opening my mailbox when all of a sudden this utility bill came out of nowhere and attacked me. It was red and had this “FINAL NOTICE” stuff all over it which really scared me. I’m pretty sure it had teeth which bit me and a knife that stabbed me, but I was too much in shock to remember.

Source

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Elton John is a Little Bitch



Being the prissy little diva that he is, Elton John caused a scene at the Concert For Diana when security forced him to walk 50 yards (gasp!) to his dressing room and after party at the old Wembley Arena. The drama started when the road Elton’s car was on was sealed off in anticipation of Prince William and Prince Harry’s arrival. This is London reports:

[Elton’s] driver then said, “I have an important artist in the back who needs to get to his dressing room”. The policeman said, ‘I don’t care who’s in the car, you cannot drive down this road right now”. At that point, Elton wound down the window and screamed at him…”Get out of my fucking way! Don’t you know who I am? I’ve been working all fucking day and I need to get to my fucking dressing room!”…”The policeman calmly said to him, ‘Sorry but you are not going in this road. You have to get out and walk from here or take a drive around the block. We’re waiting for the princes, who are coming through here any minute’…”The driver started to move and at that point, the policeman stood in front of the car gesturing to put his hands on the bonnet. The policeman was saying to the driver, ‘Stop there or you’ll be arrested’.”

It’s times like these when that police officer is thankful for his intense training. You just never know when a hair-plugged 60 year old midget in tails and rhinestones might throw a hissy fit. When he stomps his feet and puts his hand on his hips or starts those doggy-paddle slaps, a cop really needs his razor sharp senses.

Some photos from the Concert For Diana:

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