Lindsay Lohan Missed Her Flight, Ellen Canceled Her

Calling Lindsay Lohan a complete fuck up is like making fun of handicapped kids or Herman Cain. At some point it just gets too easy. Like yesterday, where her scheduled taping of Ellen (which was planned for months, btw) to promote her Playboy cover had to be canceled because Lindsay couldn’t bother to actually be on time for her flight out of Hawaii back to LA. Radar Online reports:
In a carefully crafted statement from her rep, Lohan’s latest excuse is “Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue.” As for missing the show, the one and only interview she was going to do to promote the cover, her rep said “Lindsay offered to tape Ellen tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.”

As you read this, please keep in mind that, “Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue”, is rep talk for, “Fuck dude, I don’t know, blow? Probably blow. It’s Lindsay. Who knows? She met a Bulgarian guy who owns a club or something? Maybe it was a Ukranian guy? To be honest I really don’t remember. They found her panties behind the dumpster is really all I know at this point.”

Lindsay leaving LAX yesterday where she immediately went to Kanye West’s VIP afterparty. Priorities, people.

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Lady Gaga Was Productive

I know, I know, this bitch again. It’s a slow news day. From Radar Online:

The Senate’s historic vote to repeal the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy has led to an outpouring of Twitter support from celebs, with Lady Gaga leading the cheers.

“Can’t hold back the tears + pride,” Lady G Tweeted. “We did it!! Our voice was heard + today the Senate REPEALED DADT. A triumph for equality after 17 YEARS.”

The singer has been has been among the most vocal critics of DADT. She frequently railed against it during concerts and even released a video
demanding the repeal.

Kathy Griffin wrote, “FINALLY! Equality IS coming.”

Ellen DeGeneres Tweeted, “Thank you Senators for pushing us one step closer towards full equality.”

And Ricky Martin added his voice, Tweeting ” DADT is gone! Historical!”

So some unattractive public figures (and one goodlooking one who enjoys golden showers) endorsed a bill benefiting the demographics that hurl the most money at them. I just fell asleep writing this because it feels like I’m watching CSPAN.

Because I too like exploiting our fanbase for site hits seeing you happy, here is Doutzen Kroes in lingerie. We did it!

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Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler Are The New American Idol Judges

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Less than a day after Ellen Degeneres announced she was leaving American Idol after one season, she has been replaced by someone with even less musical talent.

We’ve just learned the backstory of how Ellen DeGeneres bowed out of American Idol and who will be the new judge taking her place. It’s Jennifer Lopez, JENNIFER LOPEZ whose singing and acting career has been on the skids after her recent movie failed at the box office in the spring and she was dropped by her record company Sony Music Epic Records this past winter...As for Ellen Degeneres, we’re told she wanted off the show two months ago and complained that Idol producers “couldn’t control Cowell”, one insider tells us. Least of all Cecile Frot-Coutaz, the CEO of FremantleMedia North America. “Cecile is doing X Factor with Simon, so she’s in his back pocket.” DeGeneres and her reps went in to to see Fox Broadcasting’s Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice and Alternative TV President Mike Darnell and asked to be let out of the year left on her contract. “She’s not comfortable. She’s not happy. It’s not been fun,” Fox was told. But Rice and Darnell responded that, with Cowell leaving, “We can’t let you out now because it would be bad for our franchise. Give us a chance to figure out who we could get.”

So, it will be Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi, Jennifer Lopez, and whoever replaces Simon, right? Wrong. Kara DioGuardi just got fired. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the “American Idol” negotiations tell TMZ Kara DioGuardi has judged her last contestant on “American Idol” — because she’s been fired. We’re told the show will be going back to a three-judge format and assuming all deals are finalized, the judge’s panel will consist of Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. We’re told the only way Kara could get a reprieve is if the J-Lo deal falls apart — but we’re told that deal is done.

I just feel bad for Perez Hilton. Not really. He’s been tweeting all night literally begging for the job and thinks he and Jessica Simpon would be a better option than Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Yeah, because that’s what America wants to see. A guy with cockbreath and sequins offering singing advice while he waits for the fat blonde next to him to finish her Big Gulp and coloring a picture of a bacon cake with hearts around it. If I was Randy Jackson behind the desk with these two, I wouldn’t last five minutes before I set myself on fire.

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Ellen Degeneres Hates America

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Some family was on Family Feud (hence the name Family Feud), and they were asked “What is something that everyone knows about Ellen Degeneres. Then the dad answered. I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but I can’t shake the feeling that his answer might cost him this month’s militia dues.

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Melissa Etheridge is Not Spreading the Wealth

As we discussed yesterday, Proposition 8 passed this week, effectively banning same-sex marriage in California. In case you didn’t know, Melissa Etheridge is gay and has a plan to fight the will of the people. Be warned: it includes liberal whining, taking things to unnecessary extremes, ignorance of historical slogans, and completely blowing things out of proportion. Right on, sister! Etheridge says on the The Daily Beast:

“Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.

Okay, cool I don’t mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We’re gay! I am sure there will be a little box on the tax forms now single, married, divorced, gay, check here if you are gay, yeah, that’s not so bad. Of course all of the waiters and hairdressers and UPS workers and gym teachers and such, they won’t have to pay their taxes either.”

Wow. Maybe this would’ve been more effective if Melissa Etheridge just didn’t pay her taxes instead of telling the whole world that she wasn’t. I hope she keeps fighting though. Because for me, it invokes the spirit of the runaway slaves who used to blog on their iMac while on the balcony of their Malibu mansion in between meetings with their accountant and their penguin egg and lavender facials. Oh, wait. Sorry. It doesn’t evoke that at all.

I was looking for Melissa Etheridge pictures but my penis stopped on “Melissa George.” I hope that’s okay:

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Ellen DeGeneres is Sad

In May, the California Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage in the state, making it possible for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and 180,000 other couples to wed. However, on Tuesday, California Proposition 8 was passed by 504,000 votes, effectively overturning the court’s decision. Ellen now votes yes on tears. The AP reports:

“Ellen DeGeneres says she is “saddened beyond belief” by the passage of a constitutional amendment in California banning gay marriage. The talk show host said in a statement Wednesday to The Associated Press that she, “like millions of Americans, felt like we had taken a giant step toward equality” by electing Barack Obama as president. DeGeneres says that with the passage of California’s Proposition 8, “we took a giant step away.”

In case Ellen was unaware, Barack Obama is against gay marriage, so I’m not real sure how she came to this conclusion. Sorry Ellen. It looks like both regular Jesus and black Jesus don’t want the phrase “Married Filing Jointly” to ever come up at your house 🙁

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres at a Yes! on Prop 2 Party in September:

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Hayden Panettiere is Trying Too Hard

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Hayden Panettiere went on Ellen yesterday and pulled up her dress to reveal she was wearing Ellen boxers. I don’t know if this was supposed to be sexy or what. I’m thinking not, because this chick doesn’t turn me on the same way child porn doesn’t. Or maybe it’s because of her gigantic head or her comically disproportionate body. Sure, she has an attractive face, but let’s not get carried away here, so does my watch.

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Ellen DeGeneres Got Married

Due to the California Supreme Court overturning the ban on gay marriage, Ellen DeGeneres and her girlfriend of four years, Portia de Rossi (real name: Amanda Lee Rogers) were married this weekend. People reports:

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles,” their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively. DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, both wore Zac Posen and exchanged rings by Neil Lane during the Saturday ceremony. Their big day also featured arrangements by L.A. florist Mark’s Garden. The intimate ceremony was attended by 19 guests, including DeGeneres’s mom Betty and de Rossi’s mother Margaret Rogers (who flew in from Australia for the occasion), who witnessed the couple exchange handwritten vows.”

In a related news, my waitress at The Flying Saucer on Thursday night and I also plan to get married as soon as the Supreme Court overturns the ban on my restraining order. Wish me luck!

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Heidi Klum Loves Balls

Heidi Klum appeared on today’s episode of Ellen where she showed Ellen Degeneres how to make Swedish meatballs. Naturally, the lighthearted segment quickly turned into a thinly-veiled discussion of men’s balls. Ellen said something in lesbian about not liking balls then Heidi Klum said “You should try them sometime,” then I knocked a hole in the bottom of my desk. I think the last two might be related somehow.

Heidi Klum’s classic 2002 GQ shoot (NSFW):

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Christlinka Aguiboobies

Nicole Kidman has vagina lips [Dlisted]
Angelina Jolie collapses [Hollywood Rag]
Edison Chen quits after the sex scandal [Just Jared]
Stacy Keibler strips and shines [Hollywood Tuna]
Milo Ventimiglia does GQ [ASL]
Abigail Clancy has a see through dress (NSFW ads) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Kate Hudson and her Jewish outfit (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Beyonce and Jay-Z are still annoying [Popsugar]
Celebrity ass cracks [City Rag]
Ali Larter gets Photoshopped [Egotastic]
“Be Kind Rewind” vs. “The Amanda Show” [College Humor]
I Love My Dead Gay Son! (For the Bible Tells Me So) [Pajiba]
Salma Hayek still has a huge rack [Popoholic]

More of Christina Aguilera and her massive knockers on the Ellen show:

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