Elisha Cuthbert Is Different

There was a time when I would have shot a litter of pound puppies in the face to lick Elisha Cuthbert’s ass, but that time was ten minutes ago. I don’t want to say she’s put on weight, but no, wait, yes I do. You probably can’t see it, but the bucket of chicken tied to her leg is there just in case. She had to wait an hour to get in the water after the last bucket, you know.

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Man With Bluetooth Notices Jack Bauer’s Idiot Offspring

Elisha Cuthbert is a hot girl with a penchant for dating hockey players, but even before she was The Girl Next Door, she was Kim Bauer on the first season of 24, and she chose to get into the car with the strange mountain man, simply because she had seen a cougar in the woods mere minutes before. This, of course, leads to Ms. Bauers rape and murder.

Kim will be back at the end of the current season of 24, Day 7, seeing Jack in Washington DC. There’s a little bit of a spoiler to her return, which you can read here, but one thing is for certain: Kim Bauer will remain and idiot.

When you see a cougar, make yourself big, do not get into the car with the mountain man while your father is fighting terrorism.

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Jessica Alba Drinks, We Links

Jessica Alba looked like she got TRASHED on New Year’s Eve, probably to see if drunk sex after pregnancy is still awesome. [CityRag]

Instead of suing for divorce, this guy is suing for his kidney. “I want my kidney back” strangely fits in the Chile’s baby-back rib song. [DListed]

Elisha Cuthbert is so hot, why must she tease us with dresses made for 60-year-olds? Next time, no dress would be nice. And much better. [Hollywood Tuna]

Tommy Lee is a douchebag, but his rules for his dressing room do encourage toplessness. We’re having a moral crisis. [Celebslam]

Linda Hogan‘s bare ass: not as gross as the rest of Linda Hogan [Gone-Hollywood]

Patrick Swayze has cancer, but won’t quit smoking. Because no one tells Dalton what to do. [PopCrunch (more…)

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Elisha Cuthbert is a Slut

The NHL has suspended Dallas Stars’ left wing, Sean Avery, indefinitely after he called Elisha Cuthbert (his ex-girlfriend) his “sloppy seconds.” Awww, how sweet. Us Magazine reports:

“Speaking to reporters Tuesday morning after a practice in Calgary, Avery made a public dig at Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is dating Cuthbert. “I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada,” he said. “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about. Enjoy the game tonight.”

Elisha Cuthbert’s vagina will not accept packages from anyone except certified professional hockey players, so Avery does kinda have a point. Of course now it’s open season for this dude to get a slapshot in the teeth, but if you’ve ever wanted to bang Elisha Cuthbert, wear a hockey jersey. That’s like her chloroform.

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Elisha Cuthbert is Humping Another Hockey Player

The NHL is Elisha Cuthbert’s Neverland Ranch, so here she is in Hawaii with her boyfriend, Calgary Flames defenseman, Dion Phaneuf. Surprise. If you’re keeping score at home, that makes hockey player boyfriend number three. At this point, they should put a picture of her vagina on center ice. It can’t hurt. Dion Phaneuf just tried to say something in her defense, but it seems I can’t hear him over his shorts.

New nickname for Elisha Cuthber’s vagina – “penalty box.” Zing!

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Paris Hilton Doesn’t Kiss Girls

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Despite reports that Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert were “all over each other” at New York City’s Tenjune on Tuesday night, a rep for Paris says it never happened. OK! says

It’s false,” a rep for the Simple Life star tells OK!. “Elisha and Paris are good friends and Elisha has a boyfriend. Paris doesn’t kiss girls.”…”They were talking close due to a loud restaurant,” the rep says.

“Paris is bi” stories pop up every once in a while (like her rumored sex tape with Playboy Playmate, Nicole Lenz) whenever they want you to be reminded that this skank is supposed to be some kind of sex symbol. And boy, I think it’s working. Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert? Oh baby. I can barely even wait to start masturbating to the thought of a Valtrex-scented retard going down on a chick that looks like my paperboy. Ooh yeah, like that. Work it you sexy little bitch.

By the way, here’s Paris not kissing MTV Latin America VJ, Eglantina Zingg (NSFW):

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Elisha Cuthbert Has Questionable Hair

Elisha Cuthbert walked the black carpet at the GQ 2007 Men of the Year Awards last night, and from what I can tell, she’s now a lesbian schoolteacher or she’s studying for her Citizenship in the Community merit badge. She’s been quoted as saying she actually wanted to shave her head, but this is what she went with instead. Seriously, what the hell kind of haircut is this? My penis said he’s not leaving until he gets some answers. Some answers I tell ya!

Back when Elisha was hot:

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Elisha Cuthbert is Single

OK! is reporting that Elisha Cuthbert and New York Ranger’s left wing, Sean Avery, have broken up after almost two years together. Avery, was apparently so distraught over the break up that he decided it would be a good idea to have sex with Paris Hilton.

One pal of the ex couple says it was Elisha who pulled the plug on the relationship. But don’t feel bad for Sean, who didn’t appear to be brokenhearted about the breakup when he was spotted hitting on Elisha’s good friend Paris Hilton at the LG House in Malibu on Aug. 26. A partygoer tells OK!, “When you asked Sean where Elisha was he shrugged his shoulders and said they had broken up.” But for all his attempts at wooing the recent jailbird, Sean was not able to convince Paris to leave with him, saying she wouldn’t do that to Elisha and walked away. Pals of the couple are left scratching their heads and one friend of Elisha’s says they’re hoping the two can work it out. “She’s a serial monogamist, jumping from one relationship to another.”

Trying to bang Paris Hilton after two years on top of Elisha Cuthbert? Yeah, that makes sense. He should have just gone in the house and humped the garbage disposal. It’s basically the same thing.

The BFFs:

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