Drake Says Amanda Bynes Is “Weird And Disturbing”
Drake Says Amanda Bynes Is “Weird And Disturbing”

 

One of the first signs we had that Amanda Bynes was insane, is when she tweeted, "I want Drake would murder my vagina" a few months ago. Drake never replied or even mentioned it, until his recent interview with something called XXL:

I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about. If that is her, I guess it’s a little weird and disturbing. It’s obviously a behavioral pattern that is way bigger than me. Whoever is behind it, whether it’s her or somebody else, they know people are paying attention so they keep it going.

If we can be honest here, Drake looks like he went to Usher's house as an infant and stayed at the bottom of the pool for a few minutes too long before paramedics rescued him, but what he says makes a lot of sense if you read as a person with his head up his ass. "I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about"? Come again? I can't hear you over your attempt to sound intelligent.

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Rihanna Is Still Texting Drake, Chris Brown Found Out



Hey, remember when Chris Brown and Rihanna were at the Grammys and Rihanna looked like she just won The Bachelor then they immediately stopped talking? That’s because Rihanna was texting Drake during the Grammys and Chris Brown found out. This should turn out well. The Sun reports:

“Chris and Rihanna had a big bust-up at the Grammys over Drake. “She was messaging him and Chris saw and it didn’t go down well. “Since that night they have barely spoken and have been doing their own things. For now they have split up but they will probably make up at some point.”

Does Rihanna have terminal cancer or something? Maybe she’s too scared to jump off a bridge and wants to suicide by Chris Brown. That’s the only way I can make sense of this.

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Drake Is A Real Badass, You Guys



“You niggas stay in front and back. I got this peripheral vision thang, playa.” – Drake

Drake has received a lot of undue praise recently for “beating up” Chris Brown, when in reality, all his did was throw a bottle and a sucker punch then ran and hid behind his bodyguards. These bodyguards. Man, they must do a lot of upper body workouts and, you know, absolutely nothing else. They’re pretty big, I’m not really sure how I would handle them. Oh wait, I know. While they’re dry heaving because I made them sprint for twenty yards, Drake will be on the ground with a crushed windpipe unable to answer me when I ask him if he knows which artery runs the entire length of the torso. C’mon, Drake. We learned this in anatomy and physiology class. Here’s a hint: YOLO.

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Drake’s Entourage Gave Chris Brown Bottle Service



YOLO? TMZ reports:

Chris Brown sustained a nasty gash on his chin — apparently a wound from a bottle attack — after his entourage allegedly clashed with Drake’s crew in a NYC nightclub brawl. TMZ has confirmed with the NYPD that the two singers’ crews got into a fight at WIP nightclub — 5 people were injured in the melee. NYPD arrived on the scene after receiving a call between 4 and 5am. Chris and Drake were not present when cops arrived. We’re told there were no critical injuries … just bumps, bruises and lacerations. No arrests were made. After the fight, Brown tweeted a photo of his injury … along with the message, “How u party wit rich n**** that hate? Lol… Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!.”

Apparently this is all over Rihanna because Drake hooked up with her or gave her a magical weedstalk or something. Whatever. A woman-beating bitch and a half-Jewish rich kid from Canada with retard eyes stood in a club while their bodyguards fought each other. It’s a shame I missed it.

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Drake Got A Stripper Pregnant



Drake is a bitch and sings like a bitch and his eyes are way too far apart. Seriously, what’s up with his eyes? Does he have gills? Is that what’s happening? My God, what the hell is up WITH HIS EYES???!! Anyway, he apparently he didn’t pull out of a stripper. Good times. Media Takeout reports:

Well, it appears that rapper DRAKE may be a FATHER – at least that’s what an ATLANTA EXOTIC DANCER is claiming. The young lady, who used to DANCE at the popular MAGIC CITY strip club, has been “retired” since last November when she learned she was pregnant. Since then SOMEONE has been paying her $10K a month, to take care of her bills. Word on the street that SOMEONE is rapper Drake. And while before giving birth there was at least SOME SPECULATION that the child wasn’t Drizzy’s. But MediaTakeOut.com learned that on THURSDAY, the baby GIRL was born . . . and she was more YELLOW than a sunflower. And with EYEBROWS as thick as caterpillar’s. Developing . . .

So this kid looks like a hammerhead shark with jaundice and in need of a waxing kit and is probably named Cialis Ebony or something else hoodrat because her mom, to reiterate, is a stripper in Atlanta where I assume her stage name is Cocoa Butter.

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Drake Wants To Play Obama In A Movie



“Obama doesn’t have gills, so I’m tryin’ to get that worked in ya heard?”

Drake, a Canadian and rapper whose only street cred in being shot by a classmate at Degrassi High, wants to play Barack Obama in a movie. Because he “wants to do something for his culture”. Rich Canadians are crying out for a Obama movie? I don’t know. Also, he’s Canadian did I mention that? New York Post reports:
“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal,” the rapper told VH1 News at the Sundance Film Festival earlier this week…“I watch all the addresses,” he says. “Any time I see him on TV, I don’t change the channel. I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice. If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.”…”I’ve been reading scripts for awhile,” he said. “I want to do something great. I want to do something for my culture: The younger people who are still in tune with everything going on. I’m actually writing with my friends right now.”

I’m sure Drake is serious when he says he’s pretty good at impressions, because he does a pretty good job of impersonating a rapper because I assume it’s hard to rap about your Bar Mitzvah and growing up in Toronto’s wealthiest neighborhood with your mommy. Also, why are his eyes so far apart? His private pool didn’t have a lifeguard when he was a kid? Actually, Drake having Downs makes more and more sense when you think about it. Nice Britney eyes, jackass.

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I Was Expecting Something Else



My Facebook is filled with how hot somebody named “Drake” is, so imagine my surprise when I logged into Splash and found out he is some kind of singer who was on Letterman last night. I’m hoping he sings like Ariel, because if not, Professor X might want to use him if his rear view mirror ever breaks. Why are his fucking eyes so far apart? Does he have gills? And what’s up with the Lego fade? Is his forehead that big? Does Dianee Fossey come on stage and give him a banana when he does sign language? Somebody really needs to explain this to me.

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