If You’re Reading This Drake Is Dating A 34-Year Old Bartender Named Bernice

AUBREY + BERNICE 4EVA

 

I’m not sure how you go from Rihanna to a 34-year old bartender from the Bronx, but if anybody would do that, it would be Drake. Bernice probably wakes up to a Chanel box every morning to a note written on stationary with a quote about reaching her full potential.

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Drake Dropped A New Album Last Night
Drake Dropped A New Album Last Night

 

Drake thought he was Beyonce last night and dropped an album last night called, If You’re Reading This Its Too Late. Although that sounds like the opening line of a suicide note, it’s a Drake album, so it’s mostly Drake talking about himself and the ladies. But we can’t really be surprised Drake would drop an album three days before Valentine’s Day. I’m surprised that at two of the tracks aren’t flowers and chocolate.

 

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Drake Banged A Stripper, Regretted It Immediately
Drake Banged A Stripper, Regretted It Immediately

 

Wait, people still have sex with strippers? That’s, like, still a thing?

A stripper claims Drake’s people threatened her after the singer had sex with her … and now there’s an official police investigation … TMZ has learned. The Houston PD confirms to TMZ … they’ve launched an investigation … but the official document only identifies the male party as a “possible celebrity.” We’ve learned the stripper — Jhonni Blaze — told cops she and Drake had sex one time and he believed she was going to talk publicly about it. Blaze says that’s when Drake began “angrily” texting her.

Drake cries and hugs a lot because his real name is Aubrey, so I think he probably sent her a bunch of texts with frowny faces and sad emojis and maybe a link to a YouTube video of a Frozen song, but since 5 out of 5 strippers are on coke, her paranoia might have just taken it the wrong way. And Drake’s eyes are really far apart, so maybe she thought he was amphibious alien creature who walks among us undetected. Let’s not be too quick to dismiss her theory.

 

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Drake Got An Emoji Tattoo
Drake Got An Emoji Tattoo

 

When you were raised in an affluent Toronto suburb where people called you “Aubrey”, then you got cast in a popular Canadian TV show, then you become a rapper who talks about your “struggles” with heavy input from a female ghostwriter, of course you’re gonna get a emoji tattoo. “Gated Community Life With High HOA Fees” would probably be too long to fit across your torso.

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Rihanna Dumped Drake. This Makes Twice.

Because Solange might kill her in her sleep at any given moment, Rihanna needs a dude who carries a gun and not a lint roller.

They may have found love in a hopeless place, but now it's over. After a few short months together, Rihanna and Drake are once again on the outs, a source confirms to Us Weekly.  "Rihanna and Drake had another fight," a source tells Us. "He is too in love with her, which has always been the problem. They have been fighting, but that could all change any day now. It is how it always is with them."

If you've seen the pics he's taken with professional athletes, Drake looks like he would be a very supportive girlfriend, so I hope he can pull through. I don't what kind of sweater he's going to knit for the kitten he just bought, but I'm sure it will be nice. It might not be tear free, but it'll be lint free. And that's really all you want in a sweater.

 

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Drake Says Amanda Bynes Is “Weird And Disturbing”
Drake Says Amanda Bynes Is “Weird And Disturbing”

 

One of the first signs we had that Amanda Bynes was insane, is when she tweeted, "I want Drake would murder my vagina" a few months ago. Drake never replied or even mentioned it, until his recent interview with something called XXL:

I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about. If that is her, I guess it’s a little weird and disturbing. It’s obviously a behavioral pattern that is way bigger than me. Whoever is behind it, whether it’s her or somebody else, they know people are paying attention so they keep it going.

If we can be honest here, Drake looks like he went to Usher's house as an infant and stayed at the bottom of the pool for a few minutes too long before paramedics rescued him, but what he says makes a lot of sense if you read as a person with his head up his ass. "I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about"? Come again? I can't hear you over your attempt to sound intelligent.

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Here’s Rihanna Twerking To Drake

 

In what might be the world's first subtwerk on record, here's Rihanna twerking to Drake's verse on A$AP Rocky's "F*ckin Problems". Not sure how Chris Brown is gonna feel about this, but if he could take the first swing at the annoying chick who keeps saying "Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah." like some damn racthet parrot, that would be fantastic. Mostly because it distracts from Rihanna' ass bouncing. But not for Miley. She'll be practicing this with her choreographer later.

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Drake Tried To Get In The Heat Locker Room Last Night, Failed

 

"We started from the line outside and now we're still here." – Drake

 

After the Miami Heat won their second NBA title in two years by defeating the San Antonio Spurs last night, Drake thought it would be a good idea to go celebrate in the Heat locker room (probably because he promised himself he'd wouldn't miss this again), but he was denied because he wasn't media. His response? "I am media. I'm Drake." DeGrassi is apparently not great school. But it all turned out okay, because since his eyes are evolutionary miracles that grew on the side of his head, he was able to see around the corner and find a way in without incident.

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Rihanna Is Still Texting Drake, Chris Brown Found Out



Hey, remember when Chris Brown and Rihanna were at the Grammys and Rihanna looked like she just won The Bachelor then they immediately stopped talking? That’s because Rihanna was texting Drake during the Grammys and Chris Brown found out. This should turn out well. The Sun reports:

“Chris and Rihanna had a big bust-up at the Grammys over Drake. “She was messaging him and Chris saw and it didn’t go down well. “Since that night they have barely spoken and have been doing their own things. For now they have split up but they will probably make up at some point.”

Does Rihanna have terminal cancer or something? Maybe she’s too scared to jump off a bridge and wants to suicide by Chris Brown. That’s the only way I can make sense of this.

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Drake Is A Real Badass, You Guys



“You niggas stay in front and back. I got this peripheral vision thang, playa.” – Drake

Drake has received a lot of undue praise recently for “beating up” Chris Brown, when in reality, all his did was throw a bottle and a sucker punch then ran and hid behind his bodyguards. These bodyguards. Man, they must do a lot of upper body workouts and, you know, absolutely nothing else. They’re pretty big, I’m not really sure how I would handle them. Oh wait, I know. While they’re dry heaving because I made them sprint for twenty yards, Drake will be on the ground with a crushed windpipe unable to answer me when I ask him if he knows which artery runs the entire length of the torso. C’mon, Drake. We learned this in anatomy and physiology class. Here’s a hint: YOLO.

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