Drake Banged A Stripper, Regretted It Immediately
Drake Banged A Stripper, Regretted It Immediately

 

Wait, people still have sex with strippers? That’s, like, still a thing?

A stripper claims Drake’s people threatened her after the singer had sex with her … and now there’s an official police investigation … TMZ has learned. The Houston PD confirms to TMZ … they’ve launched an investigation … but the official document only identifies the male party as a “possible celebrity.” We’ve learned the stripper — Jhonni Blaze — told cops she and Drake had sex one time and he believed she was going to talk publicly about it. Blaze says that’s when Drake began “angrily” texting her.

Drake cries and hugs a lot because his real name is Aubrey, so I think he probably sent her a bunch of texts with frowny faces and sad emojis and maybe a link to a YouTube video of a Frozen song, but since 5 out of 5 strippers are on coke, her paranoia might have just taken it the wrong way. And Drake’s eyes are really far apart, so maybe she thought he was amphibious alien creature who walks among us undetected. Let’s not be too quick to dismiss her theory.

 

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Drake Got An Emoji Tattoo
Drake Got An Emoji Tattoo

 

When you were raised in an affluent Toronto suburb where people called you “Aubrey”, then you got cast in a popular Canadian TV show, then you become a rapper who talks about your “struggles” with heavy input from a female ghostwriter, of course you’re gonna get a emoji tattoo. “Gated Community Life With High HOA Fees” would probably be too long to fit across your torso.

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Rihanna Dumped Drake. This Makes Twice.

Because Solange might kill her in her sleep at any given moment, Rihanna needs a dude who carries a gun and not a lint roller.

They may have found love in a hopeless place, but now it's over. After a few short months together, Rihanna and Drake are once again on the outs, a source confirms to Us Weekly.  "Rihanna and Drake had another fight," a source tells Us. "He is too in love with her, which has always been the problem. They have been fighting, but that could all change any day now. It is how it always is with them."

If you've seen the pics he's taken with professional athletes, Drake looks like he would be a very supportive girlfriend, so I hope he can pull through. I don't what kind of sweater he's going to knit for the kitten he just bought, but I'm sure it will be nice. It might not be tear free, but it'll be lint free. And that's really all you want in a sweater.

 

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Drake Says Amanda Bynes Is “Weird And Disturbing”
Drake Says Amanda Bynes Is “Weird And Disturbing”

 

One of the first signs we had that Amanda Bynes was insane, is when she tweeted, "I want Drake would murder my vagina" a few months ago. Drake never replied or even mentioned it, until his recent interview with something called XXL:

I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about. If that is her, I guess it’s a little weird and disturbing. It’s obviously a behavioral pattern that is way bigger than me. Whoever is behind it, whether it’s her or somebody else, they know people are paying attention so they keep it going.

If we can be honest here, Drake looks like he went to Usher's house as an infant and stayed at the bottom of the pool for a few minutes too long before paramedics rescued him, but what he says makes a lot of sense if you read as a person with his head up his ass. "I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about"? Come again? I can't hear you over your attempt to sound intelligent.

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Here’s Rihanna Twerking To Drake

 

In what might be the world's first subtwerk on record, here's Rihanna twerking to Drake's verse on A$AP Rocky's "F*ckin Problems". Not sure how Chris Brown is gonna feel about this, but if he could take the first swing at the annoying chick who keeps saying "Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah." like some damn racthet parrot, that would be fantastic. Mostly because it distracts from Rihanna' ass bouncing. But not for Miley. She'll be practicing this with her choreographer later.

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Drake Tried To Get In The Heat Locker Room Last Night, Failed

 

"We started from the line outside and now we're still here." – Drake

 

After the Miami Heat won their second NBA title in two years by defeating the San Antonio Spurs last night, Drake thought it would be a good idea to go celebrate in the Heat locker room (probably because he promised himself he'd wouldn't miss this again), but he was denied because he wasn't media. His response? "I am media. I'm Drake." DeGrassi is apparently not great school. But it all turned out okay, because since his eyes are evolutionary miracles that grew on the side of his head, he was able to see around the corner and find a way in without incident.

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Rihanna Is Still Texting Drake, Chris Brown Found Out



Hey, remember when Chris Brown and Rihanna were at the Grammys and Rihanna looked like she just won The Bachelor then they immediately stopped talking? That’s because Rihanna was texting Drake during the Grammys and Chris Brown found out. This should turn out well. The Sun reports:

“Chris and Rihanna had a big bust-up at the Grammys over Drake. “She was messaging him and Chris saw and it didn’t go down well. “Since that night they have barely spoken and have been doing their own things. For now they have split up but they will probably make up at some point.”

Does Rihanna have terminal cancer or something? Maybe she’s too scared to jump off a bridge and wants to suicide by Chris Brown. That’s the only way I can make sense of this.

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Drake Is A Real Badass, You Guys



“You niggas stay in front and back. I got this peripheral vision thang, playa.” – Drake

Drake has received a lot of undue praise recently for “beating up” Chris Brown, when in reality, all his did was throw a bottle and a sucker punch then ran and hid behind his bodyguards. These bodyguards. Man, they must do a lot of upper body workouts and, you know, absolutely nothing else. They’re pretty big, I’m not really sure how I would handle them. Oh wait, I know. While they’re dry heaving because I made them sprint for twenty yards, Drake will be on the ground with a crushed windpipe unable to answer me when I ask him if he knows which artery runs the entire length of the torso. C’mon, Drake. We learned this in anatomy and physiology class. Here’s a hint: YOLO.

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Drake’s Entourage Gave Chris Brown Bottle Service



YOLO? TMZ reports:

Chris Brown sustained a nasty gash on his chin — apparently a wound from a bottle attack — after his entourage allegedly clashed with Drake’s crew in a NYC nightclub brawl. TMZ has confirmed with the NYPD that the two singers’ crews got into a fight at WIP nightclub — 5 people were injured in the melee. NYPD arrived on the scene after receiving a call between 4 and 5am. Chris and Drake were not present when cops arrived. We’re told there were no critical injuries … just bumps, bruises and lacerations. No arrests were made. After the fight, Brown tweeted a photo of his injury … along with the message, “How u party wit rich n**** that hate? Lol… Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!.”

Apparently this is all over Rihanna because Drake hooked up with her or gave her a magical weedstalk or something. Whatever. A woman-beating bitch and a half-Jewish rich kid from Canada with retard eyes stood in a club while their bodyguards fought each other. It’s a shame I missed it.

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Drake Got A Stripper Pregnant



Drake is a bitch and sings like a bitch and his eyes are way too far apart. Seriously, what’s up with his eyes? Does he have gills? Is that what’s happening? My God, what the hell is up WITH HIS EYES???!! Anyway, he apparently he didn’t pull out of a stripper. Good times. Media Takeout reports:

Well, it appears that rapper DRAKE may be a FATHER – at least that’s what an ATLANTA EXOTIC DANCER is claiming. The young lady, who used to DANCE at the popular MAGIC CITY strip club, has been “retired” since last November when she learned she was pregnant. Since then SOMEONE has been paying her $10K a month, to take care of her bills. Word on the street that SOMEONE is rapper Drake. And while before giving birth there was at least SOME SPECULATION that the child wasn’t Drizzy’s. But MediaTakeOut.com learned that on THURSDAY, the baby GIRL was born . . . and she was more YELLOW than a sunflower. And with EYEBROWS as thick as caterpillar’s. Developing . . .

So this kid looks like a hammerhead shark with jaundice and in need of a waxing kit and is probably named Cialis Ebony or something else hoodrat because her mom, to reiterate, is a stripper in Atlanta where I assume her stage name is Cocoa Butter.

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