Somebody Robbed Drake’s Tour Bus Of $3M In Jewelry
Somebody Robbed Drake’s Tour Bus Of $3M In Jewelry


I hope this doesn’t put off Drake‘s dream of a classy strip club where you pay women to discuss their feelings, but his tour bus got jacked early this morning of millions of dollars in jewelry. 

Drake went ballistic early Wednesday morning after learning one of his tour buses was targeted by thieves, who made off with 2 to 3 million dollars in bling. Drake and Future were performing at the Talking Stick Resort Arena in Phoenix Tuesday night when a thief or thieves made it onto a bus shared by the 2 rappers. They took a briefcase that contained millions of dollars in jewelry. We’re told the jewelry was Future’s, but the video is clear — Drake was super upset when he learned about the heist.We’re told detectives are reviewing security footage to ID the culprits.

Not sure if this classifies as “ballistic” or not. Maybe he couldn’t go fully ballistic because his shirt is so tight. But who keeps $3M worth of jewelry in a tour bus?*


(*) = rhetorical


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Drake’s Opening A ‘Classy’ Strip Club
Drake’s Opening A ‘Classy’ Strip Club


If I tied your loved ones up over a pit of demon possessed sharks and set a timer for 2 seconds then told you that you had to name the rapper who announced he’s  opening a classy strip club in Houston called “The Ballet” or your family would die, they wouldn’t die, because you’d know the answer before I got to the word “Houston”. It’s Drake. Of course it’s Drake.

Launching a pop-up at the city’s Toyota Center last night (September 5), during his annual Houston Appreciation Weekend, Drake has now announced that his “classy” strip club – called ‘The Ballet’ – will open in the city during 2017. Speaking at his pop-up event, Drake told the crowd: “There’s a culture out there of dancing and it’s not about no strip club shit. It’s about these amazing women that we’ve got in one spot, the music that we’ve got, and the Houston culture that we got. I just wanna let you know that I’m going to bring it to you in the most honest and genuine way possible.”



Not sure how much a lap dance will be, but it must be a lot since Drake will probably require all the dancers to tell you their real names and favorite inspirational quote. 


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Rihanna Needs Drake To Chill
Rihanna Needs Drake To Chill


Rihanna won the Video Vanguard Award at the MTV VMAs last night, and Drake showed up to present her with the award wearing a tux for some reason. During his speech, he said “She’s someone I’ve been in love with since I was 22 years old.” He was expecting a different reaction.





I’ll let the Internet explain the rest. (more…)

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Drake Bet $60,000 On Golden State
Drake Bet $60,000 On Golden State


“Why they passing to Varejo tho?”


Drake has been dumped by Rihanna twice, and since Rihanna’s vagina wants to suck Lebron James in like a Barbados sarlacc, Drake pretty much had to bet on the Golden State Warriors. He did. I hope he named the $60,000 “Good girl” since he lost it. Zing! Hahahaha good one, Todd.


 

Drake lost $60k on the Finals last night

A video posted by XXL (@xxl) on


Insufficient funds.


[ h/t XXL ]

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Drake Let A Guy Piss On Him

If for some reason you haven’t heard by now, a Jewish Canadian named Aubrey (Drake) and Nicki Minaj’s bf (Meek Mill) are in the 2015 equivalent of a rap beef. Meek Mill called out Drake for not promoting his album then said Drake uses a ghostwriter. Drake responded with two weak diss tracks (it’s 2015, remember), which we’re all calling “diss tracks” because Tupac hasn’t dropped anything in a while and Jay-Z doesn’t really need to make them anymore, but mostly because in hip hop today, it’s easy to jump over the bar that was set when Iggy Azalea win awards in your genre. So after Drake dropped his, Meek Mill responded with a wack ass track of his own but it  ended with You let TIP homie piss on you in a movie theater, we ain’t forget.” Translation:  TI’s friend peed on Drake in a movie theater. This is a thing that actually happened.

Our sources say, it all went down in 2010, during a private screening of “Takers” on the Sony lot … a movie in which Matt Dillon, Paul Walker, Chris Brown and T.I. all starred in. Drake attended the screening and, 30 minutes in, jumped up screaming and ran out of the theater. We’re told a dispute erupted over who was sitting where … apparently Drake and one of T.I.’s childhood friends got into it. The friend got pissed, and pissed on Drake. We’re told Drake ran out of the theater, screaming “motherf*****.”

Comedian Lil Duval confirmed it on Twitter last night before deleting his tweets. So, Drake got pissed on, then was running through the aisle with his woes. The woes in this case being that he was covered in urine. Drake ran out screaming like Wheelchair Jimmy found a miracle cure instead of doing what black people have done for decades before that too was culturally appropriated by white people: shooting up a movie theater. So in conclusion, the man Kanye West says is the best rapper alive, even though Kanye is alive, once got peed on by a dude in front of a bunch of people then ran away. What a wonderful time to be alive.

 

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If You’re Reading This Drake Is Dating A 34-Year Old Bartender Named Bernice

AUBREY + BERNICE 4EVA

 

I’m not sure how you go from Rihanna to a 34-year old bartender from the Bronx, but if anybody would do that, it would be Drake. Bernice probably wakes up to a Chanel box every morning to a note written on stationary with a quote about reaching her full potential.

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Drake Dropped A New Album Last Night
Drake Dropped A New Album Last Night

 

Drake thought he was Beyonce last night and dropped an album last night called, If You’re Reading This Its Too Late. Although that sounds like the opening line of a suicide note, it’s a Drake album, so it’s mostly Drake talking about himself and the ladies. But we can’t really be surprised Drake would drop an album three days before Valentine’s Day. I’m surprised that at two of the tracks aren’t flowers and chocolate.

 

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Drake Banged A Stripper, Regretted It Immediately
Drake Banged A Stripper, Regretted It Immediately

 

Wait, people still have sex with strippers? That’s, like, still a thing?

A stripper claims Drake’s people threatened her after the singer had sex with her … and now there’s an official police investigation … TMZ has learned. The Houston PD confirms to TMZ … they’ve launched an investigation … but the official document only identifies the male party as a “possible celebrity.” We’ve learned the stripper — Jhonni Blaze — told cops she and Drake had sex one time and he believed she was going to talk publicly about it. Blaze says that’s when Drake began “angrily” texting her.

Drake cries and hugs a lot because his real name is Aubrey, so I think he probably sent her a bunch of texts with frowny faces and sad emojis and maybe a link to a YouTube video of a Frozen song, but since 5 out of 5 strippers are on coke, her paranoia might have just taken it the wrong way. And Drake’s eyes are really far apart, so maybe she thought he was amphibious alien creature who walks among us undetected. Let’s not be too quick to dismiss her theory.

 

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Drake Got An Emoji Tattoo
Drake Got An Emoji Tattoo

 

When you were raised in an affluent Toronto suburb where people called you “Aubrey”, then you got cast in a popular Canadian TV show, then you become a rapper who talks about your “struggles” with heavy input from a female ghostwriter, of course you’re gonna get a emoji tattoo. “Gated Community Life With High HOA Fees” would probably be too long to fit across your torso.

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Rihanna Dumped Drake. This Makes Twice.

Because Solange might kill her in her sleep at any given moment, Rihanna needs a dude who carries a gun and not a lint roller.

They may have found love in a hopeless place, but now it's over. After a few short months together, Rihanna and Drake are once again on the outs, a source confirms to Us Weekly.  "Rihanna and Drake had another fight," a source tells Us. "He is too in love with her, which has always been the problem. They have been fighting, but that could all change any day now. It is how it always is with them."

If you've seen the pics he's taken with professional athletes, Drake looks like he would be a very supportive girlfriend, so I hope he can pull through. I don't what kind of sweater he's going to knit for the kitten he just bought, but I'm sure it will be nice. It might not be tear free, but it'll be lint free. And that's really all you want in a sweater.

 

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