Donald Trump Says Tom Brady Helped Him Win Massachusetts
Donald Trump Says Tom Brady Helped Him Win Massachusetts


Back in September, Barstool Sports writer John Feitelberg took a pic of a Donald TrumpMake America Great Again” hat in Tom Brady‘s locker. Less that two weeks later, Brady told ESPN that “it would be great” if Trump was elected President. Trump called Brady “my friend” and a “total winner” for the compliment, but mostly because his erection for Brady has lasted longer than four hours. He still had it during his interview with The Washington Post yesterday.

Hicks: Tom Brady says you never lose.


Trump: In Massachusetts, I’m at 48 percent. You know why? Tom Brady said Trump’s the greatest. He says it to anyone who asks him. You know, it’s hard for a guy like him to say that. When you’re a football player, you don’t want to be taking sides in campaigns and having the Hillary [Clinton] people now say you’re not as good as Bart Starr. You understand. So Tom Brady is great.


Thanks, Brady.


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We Had An Okay Run, You Guys
We Had An Okay Run, You Guys


As you have probably already read, Donald Trump has some pretty crazy ideas! Last night he released the below statement on his official site. Whoa, get a load of this guy!

(more…)

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Here’s Donald Trump Getting Blessed, Not Giving A Shit
Here’s Donald Trump Getting Blessed, Not Giving A Shit


To be a Republican front runner, the base you’re pandering to probably just assumes that you believe Jesus is the only one who can stop mass shootings if he was just allowed back in schools, so here’s Kenneth Copeland, Rabbi Kirk Schneider and Pastor Paula White praying for Donald Trump like that will help in any way.  Here’s also Donald Trump trying hard not to check his watch.



(via mstars)

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Charlie Sheen Wants To Be Trump’s VP

In response to Owen Wilson‘s interview with The Daily Beast, Charlie Sheen would now like to be Donald Trump‘s Vice President. Charlie Sheen’s real name is “Carlos Estevez”, so that may not be the best for the brand. Sheen might have killed a porn star once, so that should be enough for a nice Senate run instead.

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Donald Trump Is Suing Univison Because They Don’t Like Being Called Rapists

First off, these pictures are from Miss Universe, not Miss USA. Please understand that I don’t care. Cool. That’s out of the way. Now, during his Presidential announcement, trust-fund baby Donald Trump said all Mexicans were thieves and rapists, so not surprisingly, he’s current leading all Republican candidates in the polls. Turns out Univision, who holds the rights to televise the Miss USA pageant, didn’t really care for that, so they told him to go fuck himself, thereby backing out of the five year deal they signed in January. Trump, being Trump, is now suing them:

In an interview with the On Media blog, Trump, a co-owner of the Miss Universe Organization, accused Univision of defaulting on an “iron-clad” five-year, $13.5 million contract that it had no right to terminate. “They have no termination rights whatsoever,” Trump said. “They’ve defaulted on their contract because of pressure put on them by Mexico.”

Look, you know why Miss USA is on Univision? Because Latinos love them some pageants. And if you think Univision can’t get $13.5 out of there petty cash drawer, sorry about it. So to recap, Donald Trump is an old white guy, was handed a job and an inheritance by his rich dad, hates Mexicans, and when he doesn’t get his way, he’ll sue. He’s pretty much the perfect GOP candidate.

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Here’s Donald Trump’s “Major Announcement”


Last week, Donald Trump said he had a “major announcement” that would “change the face of the election”. So if you were expecting (and I know you were) something that would cost Barack Obama the election, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Mostly because Trump is an idiot. The not-so-subtle racism and expertly crafted built in argument if Obama refuses (“HE HATES CHARITIES!!” “SO HE DOESN’T WANT TO REDISTRIBUTE NOW, HUH?!”) is almost as funny as whatever gave its life so Trump could have hair. Because who would turn down $5M for cancer if he didn’t have something to hide, right? That would make sense if everyone was Republican and only saw things as a balance sheet. I guess charity is only fulfilling when you can use that money to buy a black (more…)

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Donald Trump Won’t Run For President

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With Celebrity Apprentice now tied as the #1 primetime show in the coveted 18-49 demographic, beating ABC and CBS combined, phase 2 of Donald Trump‘s plan not to run for President was commenced today. With Trump announcing he would not run for President. The New York Times reports:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the presidency,” he said in a statement. “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Mr. Trumps said, adding, “Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

Making his tax records public isn’t really in Trump’s best interest, so the only way Donald Trump would run for President is if “President” was the name of a housing project that was in the way of a developmental land deal. If you genuinely thought he was actually planning on running and hoped he would win, air is too precious of a resource for us to allow you to continue to use. Sorry. If you could go stand in that single file line over there, someone will be along shortly to give you some forms to fill out. And to tattoo the inside of your wrist. Oh, don’t worry. It’s for a raffle we’re doing.

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There’s Nothing Trump Can’t Fix For Ya, Baby

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There’s no way Donald Trump can lose the Republican nomination now. Because, Joey Lawrence, a wax sculpture who everybody thought was dead just endorsed him. I’m positive of this I tell you. FOX New reports:

Obama was something fresh, and new, and people wanted to put their faith in his message of being different and ‘change’ and all this stuff two years ago, but that fell flat because he gets in there and it’s pretty much the same old thing. I think everybody can agree on that, there’s no real change,” he told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood Style Issue soiree in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. “It would just be nice to see him make speeches instead of Hillary (Clinton) and Timothy Geithner and all these other people. Something’s not working; definitely the approach we’re taking is not working.” The former “Blossom” star also said it would be wrong for the President to devote copious cash to his re-election campaign while the country is enduring such economic woes. “He (Obama) is already fundraising, and we have serious problems. Gasoline is going to be six dollars a gallon by the end of the summer. They want to raise the debt ceiling, and we have a trillion and a half dollars already in debt. I don’t know if that’s the right thing,” he said. “I don’t know if raising a billion dollars to re-run is the right thing to do right now.” “I’d be open to Donald. He’s somebody out of the box and I think that some of the stuff he’s saying makes sense. It sounds like you and I would say it, and it’s time,” Lawrence said. “I’m tired of ‘so politically correct’ every step of the way. It’s like there are times when we need to say, ‘We’re getting our rear ends kicked, we are the world leader, we need to step up and act like it.’” Lawrence said speaking out like this isn’t usually his style. “Everyone is so afraid to say anything. I keep my political views private; I think that’s the best way to do it. But I have no problem calling a spade a spade,” he said. “I think Donald is an interesting character. He’s an amazing CEO, this is a business. This is a business, running this country is a business and it has not been run the last decade the right way, whether it’s Republican or Democrat, so it’s not really a party issue, it’s more of a person issue. Somebody has to get in there and really hold people accountable.” Given his strong opinions, don’t be surprised if the “Joey & Melissa” actor swaps his star status for the political pool at some point down the road. “I love politics. I love the country. Maybe I would (go into politics,) I don’t know,” Lawrence added. “It’s what I minored in at school, political science.”

Yep, because that’s who I want to put in charge of revitalizing the economy. Somebody who has filed bankruptcy three times. And why hasn’t Trump released the birth certificate of the pony that was used to make his hair? I bet it’s Arabian. I bet the pony was an oil heir. Where’s the outrage?

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The Situation Was Much Worse Than We Previously Thought

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Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino‘s now legendary fail at the Donald Trump roast was so brutal to watch that it even made me feel kinda bad for him. (To put that in context, one time in junior high I threw a kid’s crutches over the fence.) Now it’s been revealed that half of The Situation’s “jokes” were cut from the broadcast because they might have been the worst jokes ever told. TMZ reports:

“Yo Snoop, what up dawg … you know you have so much in common with Donald Trump? Trump’s ancestors were into real estate … and your ancestors were considered property.”

“I’m not from New Jersey … I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough … not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin bl*ws onstage in Tijuana …Relax, she didn’t even hear it … I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work Marlee … have you ever done anything else actually?”

“Larry King is rockin’ the Armani diaper … Seth MacFarlane is sporting Victoria’s Secret … panties. And Snoop is wearing a Louis Vuitton condom … nah, I’m just kidding, he don’t wear condoms, you know that!”

“I like Larry King … he’s a playa … he actually wrote a book named ‘Mr. King Is Having a Heart Attack’ … he got that title from a hooker he was f**king.”

“Trump is a good looking dude … if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin’s ears.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t write this stuff himself, but if you agree to do something like this, you better make damn sure you say things that at least resemble a joke. He just seemed overwhelmed and out of his element. Like most women are when they see my Star Wars Lego collection. Hey, ladies. Wanna blast through the droid ambush with Mace Windu’s Jedi Starfighter? With quad flick missile launchers and the reliable R8-B7 astromech droid to navigate and repair, Mace Windu will be more than a match for the tactical droid, TX-20, on his Separatist Speeder. No? Can I call you? How about dinner som…hey, where are you going?!

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The Situation Is The Greatest Comedian Of All Time



Comedy Central’s The Roast of Donald Trump aired last night, so that meant people got to see what people who were there have known for almost a week now. That being, instead of The Situation on stage, they should have dug up Greg Giraldo and put him in a top hat or showed a video of a premature baby getting diagnosed with a brain tumor then punched in the stomach. Who knows, people may have actually laughed at that.

Leigen or Teigend or Johnistine or something I haven’t figured out were there:

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