Here’s Donald Trump’s “Major Announcement”


Last week, Donald Trump said he had a “major announcement” that would “change the face of the election”. So if you were expecting (and I know you were) something that would cost Barack Obama the election, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Mostly because Trump is an idiot. The not-so-subtle racism and expertly crafted built in argument if Obama refuses (“HE HATES CHARITIES!!” “SO HE DOESN’T WANT TO REDISTRIBUTE NOW, HUH?!”) is almost as funny as whatever gave its life so Trump could have hair. Because who would turn down $5M for cancer if he didn’t have something to hide, right? That would make sense if everyone was Republican and only saw things as a balance sheet. I guess charity is only fulfilling when you can use that money to buy a black (more…)

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Donald Trump Won’t Run For President



With Celebrity Apprentice now tied as the #1 primetime show in the coveted 18-49 demographic, beating ABC and CBS combined, phase 2 of Donald Trump‘s plan not to run for President was commenced today. With Trump announcing he would not run for President. The New York Times reports:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the presidency,” he said in a statement. “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Mr. Trumps said, adding, “Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

Making his tax records public isn’t really in Trump’s best interest, so the only way Donald Trump would run for President is if “President” was the name of a housing project that was in the way of a developmental land deal. If you genuinely thought he was actually planning on running and hoped he would win, air is too precious of a resource for us to allow you to continue to use. Sorry. If you could go stand in that single file line over there, someone will be along shortly to give you some forms to fill out. And to tattoo the inside of your wrist. Oh, don’t worry. It’s for a raffle we’re doing.

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There’s Nothing Trump Can’t Fix For Ya, Baby



There’s no way Donald Trump can lose the Republican nomination now. Because, Joey Lawrence, a wax sculpture who everybody thought was dead just endorsed him. I’m positive of this I tell you. FOX New reports:

Obama was something fresh, and new, and people wanted to put their faith in his message of being different and ‘change’ and all this stuff two years ago, but that fell flat because he gets in there and it’s pretty much the same old thing. I think everybody can agree on that, there’s no real change,” he told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood Style Issue soiree in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. “It would just be nice to see him make speeches instead of Hillary (Clinton) and Timothy Geithner and all these other people. Something’s not working; definitely the approach we’re taking is not working.” The former “Blossom” star also said it would be wrong for the President to devote copious cash to his re-election campaign while the country is enduring such economic woes. “He (Obama) is already fundraising, and we have serious problems. Gasoline is going to be six dollars a gallon by the end of the summer. They want to raise the debt ceiling, and we have a trillion and a half dollars already in debt. I don’t know if that’s the right thing,” he said. “I don’t know if raising a billion dollars to re-run is the right thing to do right now.” “I’d be open to Donald. He’s somebody out of the box and I think that some of the stuff he’s saying makes sense. It sounds like you and I would say it, and it’s time,” Lawrence said. “I’m tired of ‘so politically correct’ every step of the way. It’s like there are times when we need to say, ‘We’re getting our rear ends kicked, we are the world leader, we need to step up and act like it.’” Lawrence said speaking out like this isn’t usually his style. “Everyone is so afraid to say anything. I keep my political views private; I think that’s the best way to do it. But I have no problem calling a spade a spade,” he said. “I think Donald is an interesting character. He’s an amazing CEO, this is a business. This is a business, running this country is a business and it has not been run the last decade the right way, whether it’s Republican or Democrat, so it’s not really a party issue, it’s more of a person issue. Somebody has to get in there and really hold people accountable.” Given his strong opinions, don’t be surprised if the “Joey & Melissa” actor swaps his star status for the political pool at some point down the road. “I love politics. I love the country. Maybe I would (go into politics,) I don’t know,” Lawrence added. “It’s what I minored in at school, political science.”

Yep, because that’s who I want to put in charge of revitalizing the economy. Somebody who has filed bankruptcy three times. And why hasn’t Trump released the birth certificate of the pony that was used to make his hair? I bet it’s Arabian. I bet the pony was an oil heir. Where’s the outrage?

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The Situation Was Much Worse Than We Previously Thought



Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino‘s now legendary fail at the Donald Trump roast was so brutal to watch that it even made me feel kinda bad for him. (To put that in context, one time in junior high I threw a kid’s crutches over the fence.) Now it’s been revealed that half of The Situation’s “jokes” were cut from the broadcast because they might have been the worst jokes ever told. TMZ reports:

“Yo Snoop, what up dawg … you know you have so much in common with Donald Trump? Trump’s ancestors were into real estate … and your ancestors were considered property.”

“I’m not from New Jersey … I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough … not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin bl*ws onstage in Tijuana …Relax, she didn’t even hear it … I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work Marlee … have you ever done anything else actually?”

“Larry King is rockin’ the Armani diaper … Seth MacFarlane is sporting Victoria’s Secret … panties. And Snoop is wearing a Louis Vuitton condom … nah, I’m just kidding, he don’t wear condoms, you know that!”

“I like Larry King … he’s a playa … he actually wrote a book named ‘Mr. King Is Having a Heart Attack’ … he got that title from a hooker he was f**king.”

“Trump is a good looking dude … if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin’s ears.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t write this stuff himself, but if you agree to do something like this, you better make damn sure you say things that at least resemble a joke. He just seemed overwhelmed and out of his element. Like most women are when they see my Star Wars Lego collection. Hey, ladies. Wanna blast through the droid ambush with Mace Windu’s Jedi Starfighter? With quad flick missile launchers and the reliable R8-B7 astromech droid to navigate and repair, Mace Windu will be more than a match for the tactical droid, TX-20, on his Separatist Speeder. No? Can I call you? How about dinner som…hey, where are you going?!

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The Situation Is The Greatest Comedian Of All Time



Comedy Central’s The Roast of Donald Trump aired last night, so that meant people got to see what people who were there have known for almost a week now. That being, instead of The Situation on stage, they should have dug up Greg Giraldo and put him in a top hat or showed a video of a premature baby getting diagnosed with a brain tumor then punched in the stomach. Who knows, people may have actually laughed at that.

Leigen or Teigend or Johnistine or something I haven’t figured out were there:

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Donald Trump Has Great Hair


The New England Patriots are beating the New York Jets like a GITMO prisoner right now, mostly because Tom Brady is throwing against defenders whose cleats were apparently made out of concrete. The commentators say it is due to Brady’s precision and pocket awareness, but Donald Trump‘s hair was just trying to wave and say hello. I think he’s a big fan.

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2008/2007: This Week In Gossip


Let’s head down memory lane, because looking backwards is comfortable and not as painful as wondering how I’m going to pay my taxes this year.

If we just look back one year, we can see how far our little Britney Spears has come on the road to recovery. On Wednesday, January 2nd 2008, Britney Spears was told to give her kids back to Kevin Federline. She didn’t. Instead, she locked herself in the bathroom, where medical personnel had to come get her and forcibly remove her from her own home.

You might remember this because it was on CNN. They interrupted coverage. I think I was getting a haircut at the time…

Also this week in 2008, Lindsay Lohan was in trouble for sipping some champagne on New Year’s Eve in Italy.

In comparison, one of these girls has their act together thanks to their father, and the other one just learned how to drink in secret and give really good head to the same sex.

A year before that, in the first week of January 2007, Todd declared “Lindsay Lohan Will Be Dead Soon” because she was calling in “sick” during her new and exciting film: I Know Who Killed Me, which I had thankfully forgotten about until I wrote that sentence.

She was looking kind of hot when she was all brunette, though:

Also in 2007, Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell were at each other’s throats and Ashlee Simpson lost her top at the beach.

Why couldn’t this week have been that exciting and nipple-ful?

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Donald Trump Might Be in Trouble



If you’re a popular magazine and you’re throwing a party for Trump Vodka, you might want to limit the number of naked underage girls you hire to something less than one. TMZ says:

Donald Trump and his vodka line could be in hot water after pics have surfaced of a 17-year-old girl, naked except for body paint, serving (and quaffing) drinks at a Super Bowl party for the vodka, thrown by 944 Magazine. In photos obtained by TheDirty.com, Chanell Elaine Hallett is seen working as a hostess, totally nude except for a little paint. Her drivers license, claims the website, suggests that her 18th birthday would’ve fallen about a week and a half after the event, which took place Super Bowl week. (And in case you’re wondering, it’s common for AZ licenses to be good for 50 years.)”

Wow, that sounds like a sexy party. Especially when the hostess talks about her trigonometry homework or how Chris Brown got robbed on yesterday’s TRL. Oh my god, can you believe it?!

Note: The images above were obviously not censored or watermarked by IDLYITW.

Some slutty stuff she posted on her MySpace:

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Donald Trump Did Not Leave a $10,000 Tip



The Internet was abuzz yesterday about a receipt on which Donald Trump allegedly left a $10,000 tip to a waiter at California’s Buffalo Club. Too bad it didn’t actually happen. Page Six reports:

The tycoon says he wasn’t even in California … but Trump told Page Six it was a hoax. “This was done by the stupid restaurant to get publicity,” he said. “. . . It’s not my signature.”

Rich people buy diamond plated rims and finance pit bull fighting rings. Wealthy people tip 15%. They’re wealthy for a reason. They’re cheap. So good luck trying to convince me that Donald Trump would give some dude $10,000 for bringing him extra bread. A Las Vegas hooker who intentionally says the wrong safe word wouldn’t even get that.

The Donald’s hot daughter:

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Donald Trump Wants Britney Spears



Donald Trump tells Page Six that he is currently in talks with Britney Spears about appearing on his upcoming reality show, Celebrity Apprentice. Trump claims that Paris Hilton has also expressed interest and that he is also planning to put an offer out to Lindsay Lohan. Page Six reports:

“We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it?” Trump told Page Six. “We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a fucking mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.” Hilton, he adds, “wants to be on, and we’re thinking about it, but I don’t know if we’re going to do it.” And Lohan? “Another fucking mess. We haven’t asked her yet, but I’m going to call her this week. It would a positive thing for her to do … for all of them,” he says.”

Yeah, this is totally going to work. Because the first two people I think of when I think “corporate executive” are Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Good luck on trying to get these idiots to accomplish a task. Trump could send them to manage a hotel and they’d come back covered in tar and feathers and smoke coming out their hair.

Britney leaving her divorce lawyer’s office last week:

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