If you've been on the Internet today at any point, you've probably read somehting like "OMG KATE UPTON IS DATING DIDDY!" or "DIDDY IS DATING WHO?!" or "MADE IN AMERICA TICKETS ARE ON SALE!" or "TODD LOOKS REALLY GREAT WITH HIS NEW HAIRCUT!!". Apparently after this rumor surfaced today, people assumed that Kate Upton and Diddy are now officially dating. But based on their Twitter accounts, they don't even know each other personally. So that means they're not dating. They just banged in Miami. I hope that clears everything up.
If these pictures Diddy’s girlfriend, Cameron Diaz, in Paris are cropped wrong or out of order or whatever it’s because I couldn’t look at them for more than a few seconds while I was editing them. I’m trying to type with my eyes closed but I can’t really see so maybe I could just crack them a lit….AAHHHHH!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
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Lay off the Ciroc, nigga (wait, I can say “nigga”, right? I’m a minority, we’re all friends here. Hey, down with whitey and other minority things like that!). People reports:
Nearly a month after they were spotted together at lunch, Cameron Diaz and Diddy are keeping those dating rumors alive after a cozy night out at New York’s PH-D Rooftop Lounge atop the Dream Downtown Hotel. The actress started her night at Marble Lane Restaurant with a large group of friends before heading up to the roof after midnight. Diddy joined their table around 1:15, and ordered bottles of booze for the table, where Diaz was dancing with her friends and drinking, too. According to a source, the table was packed and “Cameron and Diddy were very affectionate.” Still, a rep says the two, who left the club with their friends around 3:15 a.m., are not an item.
“Lounge” and “bottles of booze” are really the only things that can explain this other than Diddy casting for his new show Making The Zombie, because Cameron Diaz looks like she belongs in a 2nd grade reading list book luring children into her gingerbread house.
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Beautiful. Sexy. Easy as 1-2-3. Splash News reports:
This is the dramatic moment a scantily-clad woman’s hair catches fire at a party thrown by Diddy. The beauty was in a bath at the party the rapper was posting live online via Ustream to help promote his new album Last Train To Paris. At one point the woman leans back, accidentally dangling her hair in a candle – and initially seems oblivious as the flames burst out of her hair. Friends swarm her and help her put it out as the camera cuts away. Diddy later told party-goers: “The Fire Department just left upstairs. It’s crazy, but everything is under control.”
When I get on Twitter, every other thing I see is Diddy literally begging people to talk about his new album. So congrats, Diddy! I am!
In this jaded world, we sometimes feel that true love doesn’t exist. But look no further friends. Almost three weeks after he did this to her, Rihanna is back together with Chris Brown. Awww, how sweet! This is just like The Notebook except with way more police involvement. Congratulations to the happy couple! People reports:
“They’re together again. They care for each other,” says the source. The on-again couple are currently spending time together at one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’s homes, on Miami Beach’s Star Island. Adds the source: “While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened, he is really happy to be with the woman he loves.” In its latest issue, PEOPLE reports that Brown called Rihanna on her 21st birthday one week ago. “He called to wish her happy birthday,” a source told the magazine. “They’ve reached out to each other. It’s been mutual.”
I’m never going to understand why a woman would willingly go back to a man who beats her, but whatever. You can pretty much count on Rihanna being in traction soon. Fortunately, all this could be avoided if Chris Brown maintained calm assertive energy as I teach in my new DVD, Clitoris Whisperer. Brimming with invaluable ideas, techniques, and essential tips, why not have the relationship you’ve always wanted? Call today!!
Note: Speaking of O.J. (thanks, #4) I literally had to cut off half of Rihanna’s head for that banner picture.
Diddy’s house on Star Island:
Picture credit: Splash
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Puff Dicky voted today and naturally made it all about himself. AP reports:
“Diddy said he believed he was potentially making history by voting for the first black president in U.S. history, and also felt the weight of the past in the voting booth. “I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I just felt like, Martin Luther King, and I felt the whole civil rights movement, I felt all that energy, and I felt my kids,” he said. “It was all there at one time. It was a joyous moment.”
I felt like throwing up reading this, and I can only assume MLK Jr. felt like climbing out of his grave and kicking Diddy’s ass. Dr. King preached non-violence, but Diddy would be an exception to the rule. There’s nothing this toothy douche has in common with Martin Luther King other than dark skin, and if we’re going to go there, you’re better off taking voting advice from a Hotti Gotti.
You almost have to sell your children to be able to afford gas right now, but in these trying economic times, just be glad you’re not as bad off as Diddy. His tale of uncommon sacrifice in the face of such tragedy is truly inspiring. He says:
Gas prices are too motherfucking high. As you know, I do own my own jet and I have been having flying back and forth to LA pursuing my acting career. Now, if I’m flying back and forth, like, twice in a month that’s like $200,000 or $250,000 round trip. FUCK that. I’m back on American Airlines right now. Ok? Your boy Diddy right now is on American Airlines. Look. I want to give a shout out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters and all my brothers and sisters from all the countries that have oil, if you could all please send me some oil for my jet I would truly appreciate it. But right now, can you believe it, I am actually flying commercial. That’s how high gas prices are ok, so I feel you. Look, I’m at the gate right now. This is proof that gas prices are too high, we need to do something about it, so tell whoever the next president is that we need to bring gas back down.”
Being shot in the stomach or the knee cap are supposedly the most excruciatingly painful places to get shot. Just throwing that out there.
Speaking of shooting, here’s Diddy getting rushed out of a the Dreams ATL club in Atlanta earlier this month after gunfire erupted inside:
The list of people who I’d like to drive the base of my palm up into their nose is shorter than you might think, but just to let you know, Diddy is on it twice. He has no real discernible talent other than convincing The Notorious B.I.G. to be his friend, yet he walks around usually doing stuff like this:
A witness outside downtown hot spot GoldBar the other night said, “He walked right up to the door girl with four other people in his crew. When she asked him how many people he was with, Diddy just called her a ‘fucking bitch’ and opened the velvet rope and let himself through.”
Yeah. I wonder how differently that would’ve gone if he wasn’t talking to a chick with a headset and a clipboard. If I had to guess, it would’ve involved Diddy trying not to lose count as he put his teeth in his pocket and trying to find something to hide the smell of urine. Jesus, man. Take a break on the asparagus.
Here’s Kelly Brook because she’s not a bucktoofed clown: