Demi Moore Wants All Of Ashton Kutcher’s Money Basically

“Oh hell naw, bitch.” – Mila Kunis

It took more than a year for Ashton Kutcher to file for divorce from Demi Moore, and now three months later, Demi has filed her divorce response. It basically just asks for Ashton’s PIN. Radar Online reports:
Demi Moore has formally filed her divorce response to Ashton Kutcher’s previous filing, and her papers reveal a big cheating secret, is reporting exclusively. Moore cites the date of separation as November 17, 2011. That’s crucial because Ashton hooked up with Sara Leal in San Diego about a month BEFORE that — with Leal claiming that he said he was separated. But Demi’s papers show that she certainly thought they were still together while he was off with the other woman! And now she wants Ashton to pay. Demi is seeking spousal support from the super rich actor and wants Kutcher to pay her legal bills. She cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the breakup.

Ashton Kutcher is banging Mila Kunis and made $24M last year (and millions more in tech startup investments) for his role on Two and Half Men, making him the highest paid actor on television. On the other hand, Demi Moore spent 2012 having people call 911 for her and spending time in rehab. But Ashton Kutcher stuck his penis in a girl in Vegas once, so now he has to pay Demi a sum of money every month. Makes perfect sense when you think about it.

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Demi Moore Wasn’t Legally Married To Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher spent part of his time with Demi Moore banging strippers in Vegas and now he’s all over town with Mila Kunis, but it’s been almost a year since they split and Demi Moore has yet to file for divorce. Man, that’s weird. I wonder why? Radar Online reports:

As we previously reported, sources close to the couple have speculated that their Kabbalah wedding was just a symbolic ceremony and not a legal marriage, and her actions now seem to back up those claims. After Ashton was caught cheating on Demi on their sixth wedding anniversary they separated, and in November 2011 she released a statement announcing the “end of their marriage” but she has never filed for divorce from him.

Is everything about Kabbalah symbolic? What is that red string bullshit about? I mean, if you’re gonna go through with a ceremony, not make it legit? Like at the end of Star Wars and everybody got a medal but Chewbacca. Did he get a symbolic medal? Seems pretty racist to me.

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Scout Willis Seems Fun

So, this whole co-parenting thing seems to be working out well. New York Daily News reports:

Scout Willis, the 20-year-old daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, was busted for allegedly drinking a beer in Union Square and giving cops a fake ID, the Daily News has learned. The Brown University student was released without bail Tuesday and ordered to return to Manhattan Criminal Court on July 31. The celebrity spawn was nabbed just before 7 p.m. Monday by a transit cop who spotted her with an 8-ounce Pakistani beer, according to court papers. She gave the officer a New York ID card with the name Katherine Kelly, but the cop didn’t fall for it. After she was questioned further, Willis brought out her real California ID. “My name is Scout Willis,” she told the officer, according to the criminal complaint. “The first ID isn’t mine. My friend gave it to me. I don’t know Katherine Kelly.” The wannabe singer was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, both misdemeanors.

Whatever. The whole family is on whip-its and likes to drink, but goddamn it would take a lot bath salts to get through this bitch’s face. There’s a serial killer reading this right now and thinking about using her skull as a coffee table. “It’d tie the whole room together,” he might be say.

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Demi Moore Left Rehab, Is On Vacation Now

“Damn, son. Let me holla at you. Who G.I. Jane gotta blow to get some whip-its up in this piece?”

After losing 75 pounds in a week and overdosing on nitrous oxide like a boss, Demi Moore checked herself into Utah’s prestigious treatment center, Cirque Lodge. She was there for a little over a month, and now she’s on vacation. Being a rich drug addict seems fun. E! Online reports:

Demi Moore has left Utah’s Cirque Lodge. Sources exclusively confirm to E! News that the Margin Call star has checked out of rehab at the celeb-favored treatment center. As we first reported, Moore went to Cirque in the days following her brief hospitalization in Los Angeles after she suffered a seizure-like episode during a party at her Benedict Canyon-area home on Jan. 23. So, where is she now? We can confirm that Moore remains “on vacation” at an undisclosed location. “She’s in no rush to get back to L.A.,” the source says. “She’s on total lockdown and only talking to a small group of people.”

At this time Demi and her family would like for everyone to respect her privacy during this difficult time as she’s on vacation after leaving a exclusive and private drug rehab center on 12 private acres located in a majestic mountain setting with rooms with panoramic views of Sundance ski resort and oh fuck this bitch.

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Demi Moore Can’t Look At A Scale

Demi Moore isn’t allowed to look at a scale in rehab. Radar Online reports:

When Demi Moore checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab treatment center in Utah for anorexia and an addiction to prescription pills, she wasn’t allowed to see her weight on the scale, and was weighed backwards because her treatment team doesn’t want her focused on how much she weighs, is exclusively reporting. … Demi hit rock bottom after her marriage to Ashton Kutcher ended when he was “It’s common treatment practice at Cirque to not allow patients that are being treated for an eating disorder to see how much they weigh when they step on the scale,” an insider tells “Their weights are taken everyday, sometimes several times a day to make sure that they aren’t losing weight while in treatment. Doctors at Cirque don’t want patients to fixate on their weight. “Eating disorders are all about control, plain and simple. When someone is in the ravages of an eating disorder, their lives are typically out of control. The one thing someone with an eating disorder believes they can control in their lives, is food. Demi isn’t being forced fed or chastised for not wanting to eat though. The counselors at Cirque are working on giving Demi a safe and controlled environment, she is getting the best care possible. She is also dealing with an addiction to prescription medication, and she has a comprehensive team taking care of her.”

That’s all fine and good, but one thing Demi Moore should be forced to look at in rehab is her birth certificate. Her obsession with youth isn’t a secret, and it’s pretty idiotic. Please don’t start on the pressures of fame. If Hollywood’s ageism is a problem, then stop chasing men 20 years younger and focus on your actual acting ability (Meryl Streep has no problem getting work), learn a trade, or retire gracefully. You have the choice to either be another year older or to be dead. It shouldn’t be this tough of a decision.

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Demi Moore Is Doing Just Fine

Here’s the current cover of in Touch, and if I can be honest, they really missed a great opportunity to sensationalize this story to make it more appealing to potential buyers. Maybe they should have put flashing lights around her face or put a string under the words “TIME BOMB!” so when you pulled it, it would make a cool explosion sound or something. They just really let this one go right past them, didn’t they?

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Here’s Demi Moore’s 911 Call

If you take every drug in front of you and seizure out on the floor, please make sure whoever calls 911 for you is able to repeat your address for the first five minutes of the call and is really able to say it phonetically and really slowly because Los Angeles dispatchers like to talk over you and are kinda dumb. They also might be Caesar Milan.

TMZ has obtained the 911 call placed moments before Demi Moore was rushed to an L.A. hospital Monday night — where she was treated for inhaling too much nitrous oxide … aka whip-its. As we first reported, any references to Demi’s drug use have been redacted from the 911 call – despite the TMZ story … paramedics on scene were told by Demi’s friends the actress had been doing whip-its. After she was rushed to the hospital, Demi was placed in a facility for substance abuse treatment.

You can LISTEN TO IT HERE, but long story short, Demi Moore smoked sativa , did whip-its, convulsed, then her friends poured cold water on her and killed her buzz. What jackasses!

There’s not a minute to spare:

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Demi Moore Loves Adderall

And Red Bull. But not carbs. Radar Online reports:

Demi Moore will be seeking treatment for anorexia and her substance abuse addictions, and has exclusively learned that Adderall is the prescription drugs that she uses. “Demi has been taking Adderall and drinking energy drinks and starving herself and those are some of the serious causes that led her to collapse on Monday night,” a source close to the actress said. As previously reported, Demi had an epileptic seizure before being rushed to the hospital and she is currently seeking treatment for anorexia. “The pills and starvation destroyed Demi and this has been a problem for about a year,” the source said about her tragic situation. “She’s constantly jacked up on Adderall and combining that with not eating accounts for her loopy behavior and anorexic body frame. She literally refuses to eat any food.”

On the bright side, Demi Moore upgraded her drugs (and probably her self-perception) from that of a high school freshman to that of a college one. Give her some more time and she might even realize she can rent a car without a cosigner and buy kegs for rush week!

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