Stephen Colbert Is Replacing David Letterman As Host Of ‘The Late Show’
Stephen Colbert Is Replacing David Letterman As Host Of ‘The Late Show’

 

CBS just announced that Stephen Colbert will succeed David Letterman as the host of The Late Show. Not reported: The two Jimmy's just stabbed the closest employee. Good work, CBS. This might be the first time I've believed in god.

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Jihadists Want David Letterman Assasinated. True Story.



Oh, man. Those peaceful Muslims are at again with their crazy hijinx! Inside TV reports:

A website forum frequently utilized to spread Al-Qaeda dispatches has posted an assassination threat against David Letterman. According to the SITE Intelligence Group, a private company that tracks extremist websites, a commenter called on Muslims to kill the CBS late-night host after taking offense at a joke made on the program. A poster calling himself Umar al-Basrawi wrote: “Is there not amongst you a Sayyid Nosair al-Masri (may Allah release him) to cut the tongue of this lowly Jew and shut it forever. Just as Sayyid (may Allah release him) did with the Jew Kahane.” Sayyid Nosair al-Masri was tried for the murder of Rabbi Meir Kahane in 1990. SITE analyst Adam Raisman tells EW the threat was made on Shumukh-al-Islam, a site where messages from Al Qaeda frequently first appear online in the United States. “It’s a clearing house for Al-Qaeda material. It gets the most Al-Qaeda supporters,” he says. Raisman ranked the threat as more worrisome than the “warning” posted against South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone last year. “This was a more explicit threat,” he said. “It was direct and to the point.” Letterman (who, by the way, is not Jewish) apparently mocked the death of accused terrorist leader Ilyas Kashmiri, who was killed by a U.S. airstrike in Pakistan in June. The poster said Letterman put a hand to his neck and demonstrated the “way of slaughter.” “He showed his evil nature and deep hatred for Islam and Muslims, and said that Ilyas Kashmiri was killed and he joined bin Laden,” he wrote. “We ask Allah to paralyze his tongue and grant the sincere monotheists his neck.” The news was first reported by Stars and Stripes. Raisman’s group is currently trying to find out more information about the poster, who has more than 1,200 messages on the forum. He advises Letterman take “as much precaution as he would with an obsessed fan.” CBS had no comment.

I’m starting to think that GLAAD and Islamic extremists should put aside their differences and work together so they’ll have more time to watch television and listen to podcasts for the sole purpose of looking for things that offend them. Of course, the Jihadists’ wardrobe might offend GLAAD, but that’s nothing a little makeover won’t fix. Ain’t that right, gurls?! There’s really no reason not to want to look your best while you’re rigging C-4 inside a child’s chest cavity.

Note: Yes, all of the pictures are of Miranda Kerr. Look, this story was depressing enough, there’s no need for me to make you look at David Letterman, too.

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Tina Fey Was A 24 Year Old Virgin



Tina Fey is horrifically unattractive to everyone except for guys in scarves and horn-rimmed glasses, so it’s no surprise that she went on David Letterman last night and confirmed what the world basically already knew. Nobody wanted to bang her except the guy that agreed to marry her. Unlike my Russian mail order bride Tatiana. She’s won several beauty contests.

The video mentioned Adriana Lima, so posting pics of Tina Fey was not an option at that point:

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David Letterman Is a $2M Sex Extortion Plot

On air last night, in front of millions or people, David Letterman revealed that he was the victim of a $2M sex extortion attempt after someone found out that he had sexual relationships with women who worked on his show. People reports:

Three weeks ago, according to a press release from reps of the TV host, Letterman found a package in the backseat of his car left by somebody claiming to have information about sexual activity between the 62-year-old star and employees of his program. Threatening to go public with the news, the individual reportedly sought $2 million from Letterman, the current late-night ratings champ told his studio audience Thursday. After contacting the Manhattan District Attorney’s special prosecution bureau, Letterman participated in a sting operation, eventually meeting and handing a counterfeit $2 million check to the alleged extortionist – who was arrested on Thursday. In a statement, CBS said the individual in question was a producer on the network program 48 Hours.

Even with all this, Jay Leno still wishes she was Letterman, so whatever. Letterman will be fine. Much unlike the girl who had sex with me last week. I saw her and her friends the next day and I briefly mentioned it, then she starting screaming and ran in front of a bus. My grandma says it’s because she knew she could never tame my heart.

Kim Kardashian and her insane ass leaving The Late Show yesterday:

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Danny DeVito is Always Drunk

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Danny DeVito is drunk in basically every interview, but instead of going on Larry King Live and being asked “What’s your best childhood memory?” or “What’s your favorite color?” while everybody completely ignores the fact that he’s texting hookers and throwing up behind the desk, David Letterman just comes out and asks him. Not that he really cares. If I looked like Danny DeVito, I’d probably want to stay drunk all the time, too. At least it would be cheap. He’s like 2 feet tall. I bet he plays beer pong with a Fischer-Price Musical Tea Set. There’s something magical about a tea party!

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Tom Cruise is Uncomfortable



As you watch Tom Cruise on David Letterman last night reading the “Top 10 Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise on the Internet,” please keep in mind that he was once head of a production company and is allegedly the Church of Scientology’s second in command. Then watch as he stumbles through the English language and asks how to pronounce “Heimlich.” If safe to say a kindergartner reading the Dead Sea Scrolls would have done a better job than Tom Cruise.

Little Lord Fauntleroy arriving at the Regis and Kelly show this morning:

Photos: Splash

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David Letterman Owns Paris Hilton



David Letterman almost made Paris Hilton cry during her 8 minute appearance on the Late Show Friday night. Just watch the video, because there’s nothing I can say that could possibly top this. Instead of asking her questions, David Letterman should have just dropped her in a piranha tank. It would’ve basically had the same effect.

Paris with her new Swedish tourist boyfriend, Alex Vaggo, last week:

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