Jessica Biel Seems Completely Sane



Jessica Biel was on Conan Wednesday night, and halfway through the usual “oh hey I was such a tomboy growing up I haven’t always been this perfect” story, shit got weird. Us Magazine reports:

“They didn’t really stick around very long,” the 30-year-old explained. “I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They’d light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open!” When host Conan O’Brien called her tinkering “disturbing,” the Playing for Keeps actress laughed loudly. “Back then I don’t think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble,” Justin Timberlake’s wife of one month said. “I still have the heads. They still go on [my Christmas tree] every year at home.”

So basically Jessica Biel is crazy. And when chicks are crazy, that really only translates to one thing: they’re cool with butt stuff. Look it up. I read it on WebMD.

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Jay Leno Wants To Be Conan O’Brien

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A day after Conan O’Brien told NBC to go fuck themselves, Jay Leno is now reportedly wanting out of the network as well. Why? I don’t know, to be a little bitch? Rob Shuter over at Popeater reports:

Sources close to former ‘Tonight Show’ host Jay Leno tell me he is furious with the way NBC has treated him and Conan O’Brien and is considering walking away from the entire mess with his head held high. “Now that Conan has made it clear he is leaving the troubled network, Jay is considering doing the same. They have put Jay in a terrible position. It looks like he is the reason that Conan is now without a job. Jay is a great guy and it’s not fair that due to NBC’s stupidity he looks like the bad guy,” a TV insider tells me. “Plus, what happens when Jay does return to the 11:35 slot if his audience doesn’t immediately follow? How can he possibly trust the same network that canceled Conan after only seven months?”

So basically, in 2004, Conan O’Brien was promised The Tonight Show after Leno retired. Well, Leno “retired” in 2009 then immediately hosted a show in prime time that failed like a turtle taking a calculus exam. NBC then, only after 7 months, told Conan that after waiting 5 years for the 11:35 time slot, they wanted Leno back. Conan told them to kiss his ass. Leno of course helped shove Conan out the door, so why all the feigned concern for Conan now? How can I get women to talk to me? I don’t know what that has to do with anything at NBC, but it would really help me out, man. I’m so lonely!

Jimmy Kimmel is Jay Leno:

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Conan Got A Concussion



During Friday’s taping of The Tonight Show, Conan O’Brien and guest Teri Hatcher decided it would be a good idea for a lanky unathletic white dude in a wet suit to race. It was all working out until the finish line when Conan slipped and got Tim Tebowed. I don’t know who thought to put the finish line 15 yards in on a slippery concrete floor, but instead of having a race next time, they should put a paraplegic in roller skates and push him behind Inspector Gadget’s car after he releases an oil slick, because apparently safety really isn’t that much of a concern.

Teri Hatcher competing in the 2009 Nautica Malibu Triathlon:

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