Somebody Get This Little Boy A Sweater



Claire Danes showed up to the UK premiere of Me & Orson Welles in London in a see through dress and no bra last night, and I’m still trying to figure out why. Breast cancer awareness month is over, right? No need to show off your mastectomy. At least I think she had a mastectomy, it’s hard to tell. If she hasn’t, she might want to tell people she had, because can you really say that those are tits? I don’t think you can. My girlfriend has perfect D’s made by God’s own loving hand, so when I see chicks who have to shop at Tiny Town for their bras it’s really depressing. For them. Unless their vaginas can accurately predict winning lottery numbers, they might want to consider a consultation.

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Spirit Awards: Highlights

Yesterday was the Film Independent Spirit Awards, where The Wrestler grabbed top honors and added another Best Actor win for Mickey Rourke who will go head-to-head with Sean Penn tonight. But starting this off with tales of bloated-corpse Rourke and Sean Penn as gay activist Harvey Milk is sort of in the wrong direction.

I’ve collected the highlights of last night’s female attendees including Jessica Alba looking like a 30-year-old babysitter, Elizabeth Banks looking kinda busted, Cameron Diaz looking like a wax-sculpture, Eliza Dushku and her round face, Lucy Liu in pink, Penelope Cruz in brown and a surprise win for hottest by re-emerging starlet Claire Danes, who manages to look better than her contemporaries, somehow. What’s that girl been eating?

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Claire Danes is in a Bikini



Claire Danes has an overinflated sense of her own acting ability and she stole Billy Crudup from Mary-Loiuse Parker when Parker was eight months pregnant, so it’s no surprise that God struck her with whatever disease this is that makes her look like this in a bikini. She looks like something a med student would practice on. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do with a body like that if you see it naked. Unless of course if by some chance a nuclear waste truck tipped over on me and I turned into a mutant giant. Then I could see how her scrawny ass could be useful. Like tying some rakes to her head and using her as a back scratcher for instance.

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Claire Danes is Crazy



If Claire Danes doesn’t have a publicist she might want to look into it, because in an interview with Stella Magazine she basically said that she was insane. Revealing that she’s been in therapy since she was six years old, Danes claimed that she can only act if…wait for it…the weather is right. She says:

Occasionally I get it right as an actress and feel proud of what I’ve done. But the conditions have to be just right. I have to be working with a director who is really capable and attentive. The weather has to be just so and the other actors have to be great. Then, for some reason, it works and I feel wonderful. But then something changes and I go back to square one again….I complain the whole time, mainly about my acting. I complain about it when I do it and I complain when I’m not doing it, too. I think the main problem is that I’m exceedingly self-critical. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I can’t seem to be able to stop myself.”

Jesus, I bet this basketcase is a beam of sunshine to work with. Her movie sets must be great. Her throwing a tantrum because a cloud looks kinda dark and a hundred other people stabbing their keys in their palms to keep from tying a cinder block around this chick’s neck and throwing her off a bridge.

Claire at Opening Night Of Pygmalion on Oct. 18:

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