Nobody Is Having Sex With This

The only place Ciara had to wear this dress was a premiere of a Vin Diesel movie and her boyfriend’s team is currently 2-3, so obviously all that celibacy stuff they’re doing isn’t really helping. Because it’s always important to not know what your girlfriend’s like in bed before you make sign a contract that says you’ll stay with her until you die or she gets half your money. Not sure who thought of that, but he’s really onto something.

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Ciara Won’t Bang Russell Wilson Until His New Deal Is Signed

If you want to know how religion works, Seattle Seahawks quarterback and “devout Christian”, Russell Wilson divorced his wife in 2014 (the last year of his rookie deal lol) after two years of marriage because a gay couple broke in their house and ruined their sanctity. Ciara, a singer with a song called “Body Party“, has dated 50 Cent, Bow Wow, and has a kid out of wedlock with Future. Apparently, Wilson prayed for a godly woman, and while looking at Ciara in a mirror (no joke), God spoke unto Wilson, “I give you Ciara. It’s just a coincidence that she’s hot and the chick you said you wanted all along.” (no joke either). Anyway, because God hooked them up, they said they are practicing abstinence because God hates it when you fuck when he’s not there. Anyway, they’re still not banging until Wilson signs his new deal. This is how I’m reading this.

Ciara is holding on to her goodies. During an appearance on Access Hollywood Live Thursday, the singer opened up about her decision to practice celibacy with Seattle Seahawks quarterback boyfriend Russell Wilson. “It’s until the deal is sealed. Absolutely!” the “I Bet” singer said when asked if the pair plan to hold off on sex until marriage.

Apparently it’s moral and virtuous to wait to have sex with somebody until after they can legally take half of everything you own. Also, Wilson said God instructed him to “lead her”. Lead here where, a PG-13 movie? Look, your husband might me the most loyal and trustworthy dude on the planet, but if he licks pussy like a stamp and blows before you take your bra off, there’s a good chance you’ll be checking OK Cupid with one eye while he’s blessing dinner.  I think more women need to take Bristol Palin’s lead on this. I mean, with knowing what birth control looks like first.

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Twitter Ruins Everything

Ciara ran into Rihanna at a party. Rihanna wasn’t nice. Because she gets more press, Perez Hilton sided with her. All of this happened over Twitter.E! Online says:

In this episode of Twitter smackdown, it’s Ri-Ri vs. Ci-Ci.

The two singing divas (and former Chris Brown lovers) went at it yesterday after Ciara brought up Rihanna
on our very own Fashion Police.

“I ran into her recently at a party. She wasn’t the nicest,” Ciara told the Joan Rivers-led panel. “It’s crazy, because I’ve always loved and respected what she’s done in fashion. It wasn’t the most pleasant run-in.”

Well, Ri-Ri wasn’t too pleased.

She tweeted: “My bad Ci, did I forget to tip you? How rude of me….You gangsta huh? Ha.”

And so it began!

Ciara came back with: “Trust me Rihanna you don’t want to see me on or off the stage.”

“Good luck with bookin that stage you speak of,” Rihanna tweeted. Ouch!

But apparently Ciara found that funny, replying with: “Pure comedy.”

It didn’t stop there! The biggest diva of them all, Perez Hilton, decided to join in, backing up Rihanna.

He tweets: “@ciara It obviously wasn’t funny to her. It was hurtful. @Rihanna has had a difficult week.”

“@ciara And I’m sure your week has been difficult too, publicly proclaiming that your label doesn’t support you and you want to be dropped.”


Eventually the beef became too much, and Ri-Ri decided to make amends.

“Ciara baby, I love you girl!” she tweeted. “You hurt my feelings real bad on TV! I’m heartbroken! That’s why I retaliated this way! So sorry! Let’s make up.”

Perez chimes in: “@ciara She extended an olive branch to you now and is being the bigger person. Accept it and move on. Or stay petty and less successful.”

What else could Ciara do but reply with: “Ri, u know its always been love since day 1! Doing shows and everything. You threw me off in that party! Apology accepted. Let’s chat in person.”

Of course, Perez was happy with the outcome too.

“@ciara Good! #LoveAndLight Now if only @NICKIMINAJ and @LilKim could make peace too!”

Rihanna and Ciara got into a catfight and Perez Hilton appointed himself as their mediator. Fuck technology. This would have been a lot more entertaining if it was dealt with the old fashioned way. The way that ends with broken nails, missing weaves, and a hate crime.

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