I don’t have access to the Rihanna in a bikini pics or the Gigi Hadid in a bikini pics, so to make you feel my pain, here’s Christina Aguilera at The Voice Season 8 thing or whatever this event is supposed to be. As you can see, Christina Aguilera isn’t in a bikini. And shouldn’t wear a bikini. Or be allowed in the same room as a bikini. Or be allowed to say the word bikini. Or know what a bikini looks like. And should have her punch card revoked at Cook Out. And not be allowed withing a 100 yards of a Cook Out. Or a beach. A place where she might have a midnight feeding that would scare homeless people or any marine mammals that may have surfaced at that particular time.
It was cool at the Oscars when Lady Gaga sang shit from The Sound Of Music and everybody said, “oh yeah, she can sing. forgot about that”. But you can have your memory wiped and still know that Christina Aguilera can sing better than about 99% of the people who have ever lived on the Earth. That’s just pretty much a fact. That being said, she went on Jimmy Fallon last night and did “random” musical impressions. One was Britney Spears. So if you ever wondered what Britney Spears would sound like if her voice wasn’t computer generated, then you’re in luck.
Negotiating prices with print publications to pimp out your kid can be a tedious and exhausting process (unless you’re Kris Jenner), so I’m happy to see People and Christina Aguilera could come to a number that was satisfactory. The child looks happy and exciting, because her brain has yet to fully form and she doesn’t realize her birth certificate says “Summer Rain“.
Christina Aguilera had her second baby with her second baby daddy this weekend. Congrats!
The Voice coach and fiancé Matt Rutler welcomed a daughter on Saturday, Aug. 16 in Los Angeles, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. “So proud to welcome our beautiful daughter Summer Rain Rutler into the world,” the singer Tweeted early Monday morning. This is the second child for Aguilera, 33, who is already mom to a 6½-year-old son, Max Liron, from her previous marriage to Jordan Bratman.
I don’t know. “Summer Rain” kinda sounds like a feminine hygiene product, but I guess I’ve heard worse baby names. To take away some of Christina’s attention, Britney Spears nominated herself for the KFC Bucket challenge.
It's not really a secret that Quentin Tarantino is one of the biggest freaks in Hollywood who even Rex Ryan thinks his foot fetish is kinda weird, so of course with the world being filled with hot women, Tarantino is apparently obsessed with Christina Aguilera. Did that last sentence make any sense? Sorry, it's early. Use your critical thinking skills to translate. 4 Music reports:
Quentin Tarantino has reportedly been "hitting up" Christina Aguilera with constant work opportunities. The film director is long known to have considered Uma Thurman, who starred in his Kill Bill franchise, as his muse. It seems he is now ready to move on and is adamant Christina is his biggest source of inspiration. He apparently became particularly interested in her after she showed off her slimmer frame a few months ago. "He's been hitting her up with e-mails and scripts for movies, plus calling her loads and even writing her letters," an insider told Heat magazine.The 32-year-old singer is no stranger to the big screen having starred alongside Cher in 2010's Burlesque. Although she would love to revisit movies, she is said to be questioning Quentin's motives. "Christina doesn't want to offend him and she's open to more acting opportunities. But she's worried that he may have a crush on her, so at this point it's gotten kind of creepy," the source explained. Top of Christina's list of concerns is said to be the way the film director wants to discuss future projects. "Quentin doesn't seem to care. He has all these projects he wants to discuss with her, but when she asks him to come to her office, he suggests dinner. Christina would love to be Tarantino's muse, but she is not going to bother if it comes with strings attached," the insider explained.
This story kinda seems like bullshit, but it's Quentin so you never really know. He could be asking her to play a Vegas singer who fights werewolf Nazis, or he could be trying to pitch a documentary about her feet.
Remember last year when Christina Aguilera would stab you in the throat for the last donut then drain you of your blood to cover her nachos? Well apparently she's been on a diet, because she showed up to NBC's TCA Summer Press Tour this weekend looking like this. "This" being more aesthically pleasing as to encourage penetration. Penetration from my penis. I'd put my genie in her bottle again AWWWW YEAH, SON. NAILED IT!
Christina Aguilera performed at the Billboard Music Awards last night looking like she's finally stopped getting text alerts when Krispy Kreme's "Hot Now" sign lights up. Good for her. And if you're thinking that I'm reducing a woman to how she looks in clothes, very good. Because I am. Mostly because you can't sell millions of albums by dancing around in a bikini in a boxing ring then get fat and say you shouldn't be judged by your weight. You didn't mind being judged in the bikini, so you really can't have it both ways. Unless you're Amber Heard. I hear she's into that.
Christina Aguilera attended TIME'S 100 Most Influential People In The World at Jazz at Lincoln Center in NYC last night where she was celebrated for international influence on how gas station burritos are made.
If you watched the 40th AMAs last night, you could actually see Christina Aguilera getting fatter. She also suspended her performance to go back to Washington to personally fund the Hostess bailout. Seriously. Go look it up on YouTube.
Adam Levine and his band sing very heterosexual and very topical songs about payphones and 69-year old bisexual British guys, so everyone should probably back off from calling Christina Aguilera fat. Because a guy who judges a karaoke competition by spinning around in a chair will totally kick your ass. E! Online reports:
“People shouldn’t say those kinds of things because, f–k you. It’s like, come on guys, grow up,” Levine, 33, told reporters at a Friday Q&A in New York City when asked about the knocks the 31-year-old songbird has taken over her curvy figure. “The one thing about the culture right now—celebrity culture particularly—that is so ugly is [that] people feel like they can just say nasty things about other people…she gets a lot of it,” Levine added. “It pisses me off. Of course I have her back, of course I defend her.”
Our celebrity culture also includes Maroon 5 and The Voice, so let’s not get too carried away with righteous indignation there, Adam. How about you get another tattoo and listen to more Jamiroquai. We’ll keep calling Christina Aguilera fat. Thanks.