Every ‘Passengers’ Review: “lol nah”
Every ‘Passengers’ Review: “lol nah”



“Essentially amounts to a risable two-hour exhibit of sci-fi Stockholm Syndrome.”EW

 

Passengers currently has a 30% on Rotten Tomatoes. Was there really any doubt? Let’s read some of the greatest hits, shall we?

 

Variety:
“Passengers is the tale of a lonely guy in space, the drama of an ethical conundrum, a love story featuring two of the hottest actors on the planet, and a turbulent sci-fi action-adventure – and for all of that, it manages to be not a very good movie.”

 

IndieWire:
“Titanic” in space? No, but it’s certainly a disaster.

 

Time Out:
“Dreams up one of the most intriguing ‘what would you do?’ scenarios in recent movie memory and takes it precisely nowhere.”

 

Screen International:
“Part space romance, part space thriller and all space corn, Passengers is a messy and unconvincing mash-up that tries to get by on the not inconsiderable charm of stars Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt.”

 

I’m gonna keep saying this until somebody listens, but Jennifer Lawrence has been in two good movies. Two. Winter’s Bone and the one where Bradley Cooper was a stalker who used to be fat. And in those movies, if you would have replaced her with anyone else, they still would have been good movies. If you want to say Joy was a good movie, that’s cool, but please remember it was about a woman who invented a mop. Chris Pratt has been in one. Possibly two if you count the new Guardians Of The Galaxy. In his last movie, he played a dude who could kinda talk to velociraptors. Let’s not confuse what these people bring to a movie. Columbia spent $120M to make a “romantic science fiction thriller” which turned out to be neither of those things and thought if you stuck Jennifer Lawrence’s and Chris Pratt’s faces on the poster they’d get that money back. Shoulda used some of that money to pay a screenwriter. Live and learn!

 

 

 

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Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Pratt Promoting ‘Passengers’ (The Other Space Movie)
Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Pratt Promoting ‘Passengers’ (The Other Space Movie)

 

*taps microphone, leans in*

Jennifer Lawrence has been in two good movies, Chris Pratt has been in one.”

 

Now they’re in Paris promoting Passengers, the space movie that isn’t Arrival. I’ve only seen one trailer, but from what I can tell, it’s a movie about one man’s living hell after he’s trapped in outer space with nobody to talk to except Jennifer Lawrence. Not sure if it’s the wax mannequin Jennifer Lawrence that attended this photocall in Paris. Big if true.

 

 

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Chris Pratt Went To A Children’s Hospital Dressed As Star-Lord
Chris Pratt Went To A Children’s Hospital Dressed As Star-Lord

 

The world is a pretty fucked up place right now, and instead of realizing that we’re all human beings, we’re all content to just sit back and let apathy, political affiliation,  religion, lack of/too much skin pigment, and Facebook memes continue to divide and distract us from why we’re all here in the first place.  Despite what the news and your mind might tell you, humanity is an infinite resource. Chris Pratt seems to understand that.

The actor worked with Marvel and Children’s Miracle Network Hospital to arrange a special screening of Guardians of the Galaxy for patients, families and staff at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles Wednesday. While the movie played, Pratt snuck out and dressed up as his character, Star-Lord. The 35-year-old actor spent more than three hours in full costume and handed out movie-themed toys. Pratt also visited patients in the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit, the Children’s Center for Cancer and Blood Diseases and the Pediatric ICU, as they were too sick to join the movie screening that afternoon. Pratt spent extra time with one patient, Dylan Prunty, who is a longtime Lego fan and recognized the actor’s voice from The Lego Movie. They spent about 10 minutes reciting different scenes from the film. When the Guardians of the Galaxy screening ended, a costumed Pratt casually re-entered the room. The actor took hundreds of photos, handed out even more movie swag, let several children try on his gear and signed autographs for everyone. The organization later tweeted, “Thanks for making them smile!”

There’s really nothing I can add to this, so I’ll just use this as a reason to post my favorite David Bowie song which happens to be on the Guardians of The Galaxy soundtrack. Be sure to watch this video with your mom, so she’ll remember the time she got fucked up at a concert and wanted the D of a bisexual British guy in a silk dress.

 

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