Jennifer Lawrence Is Single Maybe

 So Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were last seen together six days ago, but today their love has died apparently or something. Not sure.

 “Jen is the one who broke it off with Chris,” a source tells PEOPLE. The Oscar-winning actress, 24, and the Grammy-winning Coldplay frontman, 37, were first linked in August, shortly after Lawrence split from her boyfriend, actor Nicholas Hoult. Following a few quiet date nights at Martin’s Malibu home, the romance seemed to move further into the spotlight on Sept. 19, when Lawrence attended Martin’s performance at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas. 

I sat in this post for a while hoping for more information than “Jen is the one who broke it off with Chris,” , but it looks like  “Jen is the one who broke it off with Chris,” is what everyone has decided to run with to publicly say Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are no longer a couple. Like, are we sure the source was quoted in proper context? Jen broke what off with Chris? A foot in Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass? A key in a door? Some breadsticks? A tampon string? Let’s take a minute to see if we’re all on the same page here.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Single
Gwyneth Paltrow Is Single

 

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have split for good apparently. Here's Gwyneth's official statement on Goop.

Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

It's sad when two people with that much history together split up, but I'm surprised that Chris Martin made it this long. I mean, we all know his wife. She was probably asking him to read her haiku about dolphin cord blood omelets and he finally brain hemorrhaged. He might be dead right now. We don't know. Nobody knows what Goop is capabale of. They operate outside the law in Obama's America. Open your eyes to the truth. You can't afford to be this naive.

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