Chelsea Handler Blames The Kardashians For Trump Getting Elected
Chelsea Handler Blames The Kardashians For Trump Getting Elected

 

I don’t know how Chelsea Handler makes her face looks so dry and moist at the same time, but that’s for another time. This time its about her interview in Vanity Fair where she blamed Trump’s win on the Kardashians. Sure.

Stop covering [Trump] so much. They were treating him as an entertainer first. It was a reality show. We’ve turned into a reality show. I blame the Kardashians, personally; the beginning of the end was the Kardashians. The way these people have blown up and don’t go away — it’s surreal. Everyone is for sale. We’re looking at a man that gets mad at Vanity Fair for reviewing his restaurant poorly. By the way, have you ever been to that restaurant? It’s the biggest piece of garbage you’ve ever walked into. That place looks like a Southwest airport lounge. It’s the worst.

My fellow liberal friends are still pretty confused as to why Trump won. Apparently everyone who voted for Trump is either a racist or hate women. The media they loved that told them that Hilary was going to win by every conceivable metric and laughed off a Trump win, is now fake news. Good times. For people who claim to not like labels, us liberals really like to remind everyone of a single defining characteristic before everyone’s name. Did you know that Hilary Clinton was a woman? Me either. I was just as shocked to learn as you that a woman could also be a horrifically bad candidate. Remember when we called George Bush was a racist? And John McCain? And Mitt Romney? And basically everyone else who disagreed with them. Take Trump’s immigration stance. It’s “dangerous rhetoric” or whatever, but he still needs to deport more than 3M people to beat Obama’s high score. That’ll be a while. And if you want to move to Canada, go to the border with just a dream and see how far that gets you (Hint: not far). Anyway, I’ve kinda went on tangent here and distracted you from the fact that the Kardashians are being blamed for something they had no control over. I always welcome that.

 

Not sure how Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner were that influential in determining an election, but it was 2016 and the year of realizing stuff so maybe Kylie should have made Hillary realize she was a cyborg Cersei.

 

 

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Chelsea Handler Had Two Abortions At 16
Chelsea Handler Had Two Abortions At 16


Every media outlet is saying “Chelsea Handler opens up about having two abortions” without noticing, so I didn’t go there. I’ll just say that Chelsea Handler wrote an essay for Playboy where she revealed she had two abortions at the age of 16. Spark Notes: got pregnant to piss off her parents, got an abortion. Didn’t realize that having unprotected sex caused pregnancy after the first abortion, so had to get a second one. 

And I didn’t have just one abortion; I had two in the same year, impregnated by the same guy. I didn’t have the money the second time. I had to scrape together the $230 to pay Planned Parenthood, but it was a safe abortion. Getting unintentionally pregnant more than once is irresponsible, but it’s still necessary to make a thoughtful decision. We all make mistakes all the time. I happened to fuck up twice at the age of 16. I’m grateful that I came to my senses and was able to get an abortion legally without risking my health or bankrupting myself or my family. I’m 41 now. I don’t ever look back and think, God, I wish I’d had that baby.

I can’t bring myself to think the fact Chelsea Handler has had two abortions is some kind of shocking revelation, so they only thing I can really take from this is that Megan Fox really can see dead people. Shit. I wonder if she can still see Bernie Sanders’ campaign.


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Chelsea Handler’s Butt Doesn’t Want You To Vote For Trump Or Something To That Effect
Chelsea Handler’s Butt Doesn’t Want You To Vote For Trump Or Something To That Effect


Although she’s not great at exercises that target the ass, Chelsea Handler is great at looking on the Internet for issues she believes will get the most post reach if she’s naked. This time I guess it’s Donald Trump. He’s a butthole. So here’s Chelsea Handler‘s butthole. Wanted to explain that to you guys, because it might be hard to pick up on the subtlety here. Very nuanced.


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Chelsea Handler Is Topless Again For Some Reason
Chelsea Handler Is Topless Again For Some Reason

 

I honestly don’t know why Chelsea Handler wants to show her boobs all the time. Like she did in this picture that she posted on Twitter and Instagram then immediately deleted. I guess she’s convinced herself that she’s making some kind of political statement about patriarchal censorship or whatever, but call me when Kelly Brook wants to make a political statement. I’ll wear that rubber bracelet and change my FB profile picture. In the meantime, here’s Chelsea Handler’s tits for the millionth time if you’re into that sorta thing. I honestly don’t know why you would be. If I can’t talk you out of it, you can see the NSFW pic here.

 

 

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Chelsea Handler Put Her Boobs On Whitney Cummings’ Face
Chelsea Handler Put Her Boobs On Whitney Cummings’ Face

 

Chelsea Handler has gone all in on this whole showing her tits thing, but since she’s 40(lol), it’s basically like watching something on National Geographic and it would make more sense if she had a basket of laundry on her head every time she shows them. Anyway, here’s Chelsea putting her tits on Whitney Cumming‘s face. That’s pretty cool and a welcome change for her face because usually it’s a scapel or botox. (see the NSFW version here)

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Chelsea Handler Got A Weed Card
Chelsea Handler Got A Weed Card

 

One could make the case that Chelsea Handler should have smoked weed while she had a show, but she posted her legal medical marijuana card on Twitter yesterday. If I was high right now, I’d point at the DOB and laugh. C’mon, now. You can’t be 40 for 10 years unless you’re a vampire or Gwen Stefani.

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Joan Rivers Owned Chelsea Handler

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The banner pic is Chelsea Handler in case the headline caused any confusion – Todd

On Monday, unfunny “comedienne” Chelsea Handler appeared on Howard Stern and proceeded to talk shit about fellow E! personality Joan Rivers. Today, Joan Rivers appeared on Howard Stern and completely annihilated Handler so bad that Haiti set up a relief hotline. Radar Online reports:
Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius,” Joan told Howard, referring to Chelsea’s past relationship with E! President Ted Harbert. “Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck,” Joan said. “I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore.”

There’s really nothing else I need to add here except Joan Rivers couldn’t be more spot on if she was melanoma.

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GLAAD Hates Chelsea Handler Now

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Good. Everybody should. GLAAD says:

Last night’s episode of Chelsea Lately repeatedly made a mockery of Chaz Bono’s transgender identity when discussing the transgender advocate’s upcoming appearance on Dancing With the Stars. Host Chelsea Handler herself started the discussion off with a joke about Chaz Bono’s identity and anatomy, but was joined a few moments later by two members of her all-comedian panel in using transphobic humor to mock him. Chelsea Handler: “The Dancing with the Stars cast has been announced and, this is season 13, it includes Chaz Bono, otherwise known as Chastity Bono [laughs] before she got her penis [laughs]…”. This is especially disheartening coming from a show whose host has made a point of being publicly supportive of the LGBT community, though the content of her show has skirted with crossing the line on more than one occasion. After learning of the incident earlier today, GLAAD reached out to the show, which has yet to respond. GLAAD calls on Handler and the show to apologize for the jokes, and asks them to invite Bono, or another transgender celebrity like Top Model’s Isis King, to make an appearance and offer viewers the chance to get to know them beyond a few hurtful punch-lines.

Let me preface this by saying that Chelsea Handler is a talentless, unfunny cunt who sucked off half of Hollywood to get her own show and shows gratitude for her undeserved fame by treating anyone and everyone around her like shit. Whew. That’s out of the way. Now, in case you didn’t know, Chaz/Chastity/Whatever doesn’t have a penis yet. So, she’s just a really fat lesbian with a beard. And really fat lesbians with beards are funny. And really fat lesbians with beards who think they can make it through the tango without medical personnel standing by are funnier. In closing, maybe Chelsea Handler can save that joke for when Trans Bono get its dick. Then maybe she can look at it to see if she recognizes it.

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Chelsea Handler Might Be A Cokewhore

Surprise! Wonder why E! didn’t report on this? Page Six says:

Chelsea Handler lived up to her party-girl reputation at a summer bash for her hotelier boyfriend, Andre Balazs, when she was escorted out of the men’s bathroom at the Frying Pan by bar security.Handler attended the party for Standard Hotel employees on the restored boat in the Hudson River, docked north of Chelsea Piers, with Balazs on Monday.
But sources at the event say a bouncer caught her and “a dude with gold shoes” in a stall in the men’s bathroom and ushered them both out.

In a bathroom stall with a man with gold shoes? As far as I know, Chelsea Handler isn’t a gay dude, so fuck it. Change “might be” to “definitely is.”

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Chelsea Handler Is Offensive

Serbians are so sensitive. The NY Daily News reports:

Chelsea Handler is the latest comedian being asked to apologize for an off-color routine.

On Monday’s episode of her E! late-night series “Chelsea Lately,” Handler made jokes about Serbians in a segment related to Amy Winehouse’s recent disastrous concert in Serbia. “Along with Chris Franjola, Natasha Leggero, and Greg Proops, Ms. Handler for 3 straight minutes ruthlessly attacked Serbia and its people,” it says on a Facebook page calling for a boycott of the star until she apologizes on air. Handler and her panel, as well as the audience, laughed as she said she didn’t know Serbians were allowed to attend concerts. Handler’s “worst comment” implied that “Serbia and its people are a shame and disappointment.” “For the sake of trying to seem comical, these ‘comedians’ have viciously attacked Serbia and its people,” the post continued. “Their attempt at comedy has horrendously failed, and instead turned into outright hate speech!” The page, liked by more than 27,000 people, also urges a boycott of NBC Universal and the show’s sponsors, such as Panasonic and Dr. Pepper. A petition on the site change.org, which encourages people to fight for social causes, had more than 12,000 signatures as of press time. Filip Filipi, who organized the Facebook page, told The Hollywood Reporter he was “in talks” with Handler’s team about issuing an official apology.

I didn’t see the episode, but “hate speech” is probably a bit much, because “hate” implies that you care. Before Amy Winehouse’s trainwreck video surfaced, I doubt Chelsea Handler knew Serbia existed. In any case, I’m not Serbian, but I’m willing to boycott Chelsea Handler by continuing to not watch her show. Not because I was offended, but because she’s, you know, never ever funny.

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