Chaz Bono Wants A Penis

And he might go to Europe to get one. ONTD says:

Chaz Bono made a fearless appearance on Tuesday morning’s Howard Stern Show, talking about everything from his strained relationship with his parents to his possible plans for additional gender reassignment surgery to give him a penis. Bono explained that he is considering traveling to the Eastern European country of Serbia to obtain a surgery that would turn his clitoris into a penis. “What I will probably do is I will probably go to Belgrade, actually,” said Bono. “There’s a doctor in Belgrade that just does this procedure the best of anywhere I’ve seen it. They take your clitoris and basically, kind of, use certain ligaments and stuff–make it a little bit bigger, release it, wire it so you can take a graft from your cheek…and they lengthen your urethra through it so you can urinate, and they put in testicular implants. You know, it’ll be small, but you’re going to be able to urinate through it…You’ll be able to pee standing up….For me, the ultimate would be able to penetrate and have feeling.”

I had something to add, but I’m too busy dry heaving. I didn’t even read the article, either. I just saw the chinstrap.

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Chaz Bono Is No Longer Dancing With The Stars

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So, I have to ask, what time does the protest parade start? And will there be glitter? He’s a woman who is a man who likes women. So, she’she’s technically a gay man then, right? I’m confused. Us Magazine reports:

Chaz Bono has cha cha’d for his last time on the Dancing With the Stars stage. The 42-year-old actor and activist was eliminated from the ABC hit Tuesday after a lackluster tango with pro partner Lacey Schwimmer. During Monday’s performance round, Bono and Schwimmer, 23, earned only 19 out of 30 points — the evening’s lowest score — for their Broadway-themed routine, which was panned by judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. “It was like a cute little penguin trying to being a menacing bird of prey,” Tonioli told Cher’s son after his number, set to “The Phantom of the Opera.” “The tango needs to be like a panther stalking. This character didn’t fit you.”

If you look at that banner picture and your first thought is, “wow, I bet whatever that is should compete on a show about an Arthur Murray Dance Studio. That person looks really graceful,” then you should probably leave a note for your loved ones and kill yourself. Chaz Bono should be dancing like Leann Rimes should be eating with Kobayashi.

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BREAKING NEWS: Chaz Bono Sucks On DWTS

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A morbidly obese woman with a beard and daily testosterone injections whose knees look like they only bend when they find a sandwich somebody dropped enters a dance contest. What could go wrong? Radar Online reports:

It was a night of insult and injury for Chaz Bono. The 42-year-old daughter-turned-son of Cher and the late Sonny Bono slumped in his second outing on Monday’s edition of Dancing with the Stars, limping to the night’s lowest score with 17 out of 30 points. The author/activist was in trouble from the get-go this week, as his knees and joints ached to the point he debated about taking the week off, saying he was “afraid [he would] literally pass out or blow [his] knees out.” He trudged on nonetheless, and while his heart and hustle showed, the injury left him in no condition to live up to the demanding quickstep routine he and partner Lacey Schwimmer performed. Bruno Tonioli — who compared Monday’s routine to “watching a little Ewok dance with Princess Leia” — told Bono he did well under the circumstances of being injured, but simply didn’t bring the gusto he needed to succeed in this season’s tough competition. “I could see you in pain,” judge Carrie Ann Inaba told Bono. “Your charm can only take you so far, but it doesn’t cover that fact that you didn’t dance quickly and this is a quickstep.” Judge Len Goodman was even more blunt in his assessment of Bono’s outing. “The bottom line is it’s a quickstep,” he said, “and I move faster through the car wash — it was too slow.” Bono, who complained about pain in his knee, ankle and right leg following the number, said he took the floor in pain because he wants to be there and doesn’t want to go home. Bono tweeted after Monday’s show, “Just a friendly reminder to please vote. @LaceySchwimmer and I really need everyone’s help getting through this week.”

Why is Chaz blaming his knees? What if his knees were born as elbows and are forced to live as knees because that’s what society expects? Elbows aren’t supposed to dance. Maybe he should stop boxing them into some archaic archetype and just learn to accept them with love so they can live their own life. Let them express themselves without prejudice or ignorance. Try finding common ground so he can come from a place of empathy and affection. Let them use a fork to shovel food. That might help.

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Here’s Chaz Bono on Dancing With The Stars

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Further proving the longstanding stereotype that fat white guys can’t dance, Chaz Bono made her its his debut on Dancing With The Stars last night by performing the Cha cha with the possible tranny, Lacey Schwimmer. And although this might look like a frolicking romp full of sexual chemistry and passion, please keep in mind that the blonde in high heels and the guy with the beard and beer gut both use tampons.

Note: In case this didn’t fully turn you on, here’s Chaz Bono topless. Awww, yeah baby! We’re heating things up!

Video source = TMZ

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Salsa Con Queso

In case you’re wondering how anyone can do cardio for hours and still look like they need to butter their doorways to leave the house, Chaz Bono was photographed outside the Dancing With The Stars rehearsal studio (likely because they called the paparazzi ahead) maintaining his girlish figure by ordering tacos off of a truck. If nothing else, this may explain Bristol Palin.

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GLAAD Hates Chelsea Handler Now

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Good. Everybody should. GLAAD says:

Last night’s episode of Chelsea Lately repeatedly made a mockery of Chaz Bono’s transgender identity when discussing the transgender advocate’s upcoming appearance on Dancing With the Stars. Host Chelsea Handler herself started the discussion off with a joke about Chaz Bono’s identity and anatomy, but was joined a few moments later by two members of her all-comedian panel in using transphobic humor to mock him. Chelsea Handler: “The Dancing with the Stars cast has been announced and, this is season 13, it includes Chaz Bono, otherwise known as Chastity Bono [laughs] before she got her penis [laughs]…”. This is especially disheartening coming from a show whose host has made a point of being publicly supportive of the LGBT community, though the content of her show has skirted with crossing the line on more than one occasion. After learning of the incident earlier today, GLAAD reached out to the show, which has yet to respond. GLAAD calls on Handler and the show to apologize for the jokes, and asks them to invite Bono, or another transgender celebrity like Top Model’s Isis King, to make an appearance and offer viewers the chance to get to know them beyond a few hurtful punch-lines.

Let me preface this by saying that Chelsea Handler is a talentless, unfunny cunt who sucked off half of Hollywood to get her own show and shows gratitude for her undeserved fame by treating anyone and everyone around her like shit. Whew. That’s out of the way. Now, in case you didn’t know, Chaz/Chastity/Whatever doesn’t have a penis yet. So, she’s just a really fat lesbian with a beard. And really fat lesbians with beards are funny. And really fat lesbians with beards who think they can make it through the tango without medical personnel standing by are funnier. In closing, maybe Chelsea Handler can save that joke for when Trans Bono get its dick. Then maybe she can look at it to see if she recognizes it.

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Chaz Bono Has Haters

Chaz Bono’s gig on Dancing With the Stars is causing an uproar. An uproar. About Dancing With the Stars. Fuck everything. E! Online reports that his partner on the show, Lacey Schwimmer, has come to his defense:

“There’s a lot of people against him at this moment because they don’t know too much about him and his whole process,” she says. “I think that through this show you’re going to see a different side of Chaz. I think people are going to see past, ‘Is he a boy or is he a girl?’ I think they’re going to stop questioning and just accept him for him.” As for the undeniable impact Chaz’s appearance on the show will have, Schwimmer says, “I think it’s just showing that people need to be OK with this. We need to evolve. It’s 2011. I personally feel that we need to get over it.”

I really do commend Lacey’s open mind and kind heart to transgender issues, but based on these photos she might be a bit biased. The only thing stopping me from outright declaring her a drag queen is the fact that her chin is big enough to obscure her Adam’s apple.

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