Charles Manson Is Probably Dead
Charles Manson Is Probably Dead

 

Unlike last year, 2017 appears to be coming out of the gate by killing people we don’t mind dying. Like Charles Manson. Apparently serving 9 consecutive life sentences is bad on the stomach. Poor guy.

Charles Manson has been taken out of the prison where he will spend the rest of his life … into a hospital … TMZ has learned. Manson left California’s Corcoran State Prison on Tuesday to get treatment for an undisclosed ailment. We’re told he’s at a Bakersfield hospital — about an hour away from the penitentiary….One of our sources who initially told us Manson was taken from Corcoran State Prison to a Bakersfield hospital tells us the convicted murderer was rushed to the ER for gastrointestinal issues.

I know people like to say, “but Charles Manson never actually killed anybody!” Those people are probably white. But if you can read this and not understand that Charles Manson should spend the rest of his life exactly where he is spending it, then you should probably get that checked out. Because you’re fucked up. Anyway, dude is 82 and hospitalized, so it should be any time now. Peace.

 

Also, you know that dude you’re texting back and forth? The one who plays guitar and sings and seems super deep and has a lot of thoughts about love and the government? Delete his number.

 

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Charles Manson Is Getting Married To A 26-Year Old Chick
Charles Manson Is Getting Married To A 26-Year Old Chick

 

If you want horrific nightmare fuel that’s worse than any horror movie, just watch any of Charles Manson’s parole hearings or read any of his interviews, but there’s one chick in the world who thinks that’s pretty hot. Her name is Elaine Burton. She’s 26. She goes by the name of “Star”. And yes, Manson already carved an X into her head. So have faith, ladies. Your day will come.

Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him. Afton Elaine Burton, the raven-haired bride-to-be, said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate. No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the nuptials, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply. The Kings County marriage license, viewed Monday by The Associated Press, was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence. Burton, who goes by the name “Star,” told the AP that she and Manson will be married next month. “Y’all can know that it’s true,” she said. “It’s going to happen.” “I love him,” she added. “I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.”

Manson is a life prisoner with no possibility of parole, so these two will never have sex or spend any time together other than the 10 minutes they were given for the ceremony, but I think this is the least of this chick’s problems. Has there ever been a case where a 26-year old dude married an 80-year old female mass murderer? I looked but I didn’t see any. It probably has something to do with the patriarchy I bet.

 

 Charles Manson should never be allowed to step foot outside of prison, but at least the music won’t suck at his reception:

 

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Charles Manson Has A Girlfriend Who Wants To Get Married
Charles Manson Has A Girlfriend Who Wants To Get Married

 

Further proving that chicks will bang any famous dude they meet, a 25-year old named Star, has moved from Missouri to California to be closer to Charles Manson because she truly believes they will be getting married. Star has been communicating with Manson for six years and runs a website that shares Manson photos, news, and donations for her true love who once commanded other young girls to cut a baby out of actress Sharon Tate (NSFW). In case you haven't done the math yet, Star is 54 years younger than Manson. Via Uproxx:

And Star says she can prove Manson is more devoted to her than any other girl: “I’ll tell you straight up, Charlie and I are going to get married,” she tells us. “When that will be, we don’t know. But I take it very seriously. Charlie is my husband. Charlie told me to tell you this. We haven’t told anybody about that.”

Star says there won’t be any conjugal visits because “California lifers no longer get them.” If they were an option, “we’d be married by now.” (Via Rolling Stone).

And even though Manson will never get out of prison, he's still a dude. What, is Star Mariah? Drive through twice.

Manson, however, seems less convinced the impending nuptials are a reality, “Oh that,” he says. “That’s a bunch of garbage. You know that, man. That’s trash. We’re just playing that for public consumption.”

Hey, ladies. You know that charming, intelligent, hipster who writes songs and plays guitar and makes you think about the world? Say you have plans when he asks you to go to a house in the middle of the night that a guy he knows just moved out of. Trust me on this.

 
 

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Hey Grandpa

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Holy Christ, today is boring so let’s pretend it’s 1969 and Charles Manson is a celebrity. Because today, Californian prison officials released the updated prisoner file photo of the now 74-year old Manson. Wow. It’s hard to imagine this guy and his “family” killed seven people in a two night killing spree (which included cutting the baby out of the eight month pregnant actress Sharon Tate). He looks like she should be showing me his model trains or telling me about the healthy benefits of oatmeal.

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