Catherine Zeta-Jones Is Single

Since she's bi-polar and her vagina gave him mouth cancer, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have to decided to take a break from their 13-year marriage. People reports:

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones haven't been photographed together since April 22. They've walked red carpets solo, vacationed separately with their kids, and in recent days, Douglas has been relaxing on a yacht off the coast of Sardinia – with Zeta-Jones at home in New York. So what's really going on with one of Hollywood's most celebrated couples? In this week's new cover story, two close confidantes tell PEOPLE that they've decided to take time apart: "They're taking a break," one source says. Neither star has filed for divorce or moved toward a legal separation, sources say.

"Taking a break", huh? I see. If a French billionaire reveals he has mouth cancer next year, we'll know what's up. We're on to you, Catherine!

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Catherine Zeta-Jones Checked Into Rehab Because She’s Bipolar

Catherine Zeta-Jones has checked into rehab for the second time in two years for bipolar disorder, yet Amanda Bynes is still running the streets in sweatpants and a wig. Fix that America. People reports:

"Catherine has proactively checked into a health care facility," her rep, Cece Yorke, tells PEOPLE. "Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her health in an optimum manner." Meanwhile, a source tells PEOPLE that Zeta-Jones was planning to return to treatment as a way for doctors to monitor her medication. "There was no big problem," says a friend. "This was just a good time to do it. She is in between projects. This has always been part of the plan. She would manage her health. She is vigilant about it."

Specifically, Catherine Zeta-Jones has Bipolar II. I don't know what that is. Can I get it on Gamefly?

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Catherine Zeta Jones Is Fragile

And Michael Douglas will unleash a hadouken if you touch her. From Radar Online:

What was supposed to be a glorious night in the UK for Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones degenerated into bedlam, when a photographer slammed into the actress outside their London hotel, and RadarOnline.com has the shocking pics for you.

The Wall Street star, 66, his wife, 41, were in London, where Catherine received a prestigious CBE (Commander of the Order of the British Empire) honor from Buckingham Palace. The celeb couple followed that up with a meal at Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant in Claridge’s hotel.

The sparks flew afterwards, as the couple was wading through a sea of paps to return to their room, when a photographer allegedly made contact with Zeta-Jones’ face, causing her to scream out in pain.

A valiant Douglas — still showing the physical effects in his recovery from stage IV throat cancer — sprang into action to protect his wife.

Douglas last month told Matt Lauer the tumor in his throat is gone thanks to an eight-week regimen of radiation and chemotherapy.

A photographer bumps into Catherine Zeta Jones and she starts crying? Give me a break. For someone whose main appeal is how toned she is (or was, given we haven’t seen her bod in a while), she should be able to fend for herself. God knows she won’t always have a fucking cancer patient there to rescue her.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones Does Allure. Naked.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is 40, so I’m a little confused. I mean, sure, I’d fuck her, but I get the feeling I’d have to watch Jeopardy! or Antiques Roadshow after.

(You get it? Because she’s old, you see. Hahaha, I crack myself up!!!)

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Cameron Douglas is Living The Dream



Star Magazine is reporting that despite an $88 million trust fund, Cameron Douglas, son of actor Michael Douglas, has been evicted from his house for failing to pay rent. So, what did he leave behind? Memories? No, not so much.
….Cameron Douglas has been given the boot from his leased home in L.A.’s Laurel Canyon. Classic signs of drug use were discovered in the home vacated by Cameron and his roommate, including glassine envelopes and home drug-testing kits, spoons used to heat a substance over the stove and filthy syringes and mirrors covered in white powder. “A lot of drug activity must have been going on in there,” says landlord Sky Reiss tells Star in an exclusive interview. Cam — who at 30 has been in an out of rehab and has multiple arrests for cocaine possession, among things — moved in last March. When he stopped making rent payments, his famous father picked up the $4,200-a-month tab for “a couple of months,” says Reiss. “But then his payments stopped too.” So earlier this month an L.A. Sheriff arrived with an eviction notice. “Cameron and his roommate ran out the back door, leaving Cam’s girlfriend behind to deal with it,” says Reiss. And Reiss was left to deal with the “disgusting mess.”

It’s unclear whether being thrown into a lion pit would teach this idiot any responsibility, but hey, somebody needs to try something. Worse case scenario the lions might get high.

SMILF:

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How Did I End Up Married To You?

Catherine Zeta Jones still looks smoking. Maybe it’s because she’s 39 and Michael Douglas is 64, but looking at these pictures from the Producer’s Guild Awards, I can’t help but feel like that college freshman who’s secret crush is laying some pipe with the damn English professor, just out of grad school.

At least I have my thoughts and my ongoing plan to murder Mr. Stahl.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones is a Natural Beauty



The United Nations Association Global Leadership Awards Gala sounds like a pretty prestigious event, so I’m glad to see Catherine Zeta-Jones got her makeup done at the county fair. Seriously, what the hell is up with her face? This has to be some sort of disguise, because I’m pretty sure I could’ve done a better job with hooks for hands.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones Might Get Naked




Catherine Zeta-Jones says there’s no reason she has to only play motherly roles. In Sydney to promote her upcoming film, Death Defying Acts, Zeta-Jones says she still plans to get naked on film. Well, hello there thing in my pants.

Obviously, my career is expanding and I am a mother and so I’m not going to be rip-roaring in corsets playing a 19-year-old because I’m not, I’m 38 years old,” she told reporters. “I’m actually really lucky and glad these other roles have come along and I can play a mother.” But, she said, she wasn’t about to abandon sexy roles altogether. “In my next movie, which is an untitled movie at the moment, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me, put it that way,” she said. “I’m not going to be playing old grannies anytime soon. “You see, I haven’t actually reached my sexiest point yet.”

There’s a rumor going around right now that Catherine Zeta-Jones is much older than her widely accepted age of 38. Women never lie about their age, so I’m not really sure how this whole thing started. And since I really don’t feel like contacting the Welsh government for a copy of her birth certificate, I’m just gonna say she’s 38. Not that it matters. She could be 48 and I’d still pin her knees to her ears like a tail on a donkey. Or I could go back in time to the 21 year old Catherine Zeta-Jones. Just like the time I used time travel to destroy Skynet. Good times, man. Good times.

Here’s Catherine Zeta-Jones topless in some things I never saw (NSFW):

Catherine at the Sydney premiere of Death Defying Acts on March 10th:

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Catherine Zeta-Links



Lindsay Lohan will fall off the wagon soon [Dlisted]
Mariah Carey wants to be a housewife [Hollywood Rag]
Hilary Duff wears short shorts [Hollywood Tuna]
Afghan fart song [College Humor]
Pumpkin bongs and barfing pumpkins [City Rag]
Justin Timberlake is a stooge [Just Jared]
Elisha Cuthbert looks like a Jewish retiree (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
David Beckham: party of one [Popsugar]
Rihanna doesn’t need a bra [Egotastic]
Ann Curry flashes some boob (NSFW ads) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Has anyone seen Vanessa Williams? [ASL]
Ivanka Trump does Arena UK [Popoholic]

Catherine Zeta-Jones @ Hollywood Film Festival Hollywood Awards on Oct. 22:

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Catherine Zeta-Jones Has Too Much Money



Apparently too good to use shampoo, Catherine Zeta-Jones spends two hours and $400 every time she washes her hair. The treatment, which she receives at the South Kensington celebrity salon, Hari’s, involves soaking her hair in truffles then smearing it with Beluga caviar that is flown in from Iran five days prior to her appointment. The Daily Mail reports:

Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair,” said a source. She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair color but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the color even richer and making it so much more glossy. “The eggs are packed with omega-3 fatty acids necessary for the formation of structural proteins. It is these proteins that repair dry and damaged hair and smooth over any split ends.”

Man, I bet some starving homeless child can’t wait to hear the science behind Catherine’s shiny hair. Or is it that he can’t wait to beat her up and rob her? Probably beat her up and rob her. And maybe wipe her hair on some crackers. Then rob her again. I’m not sure about the order, but whatever is, it’s safe to say that she deserves it.

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