Jessic Alba Is Never Happy Anywhere

Jessica Alba and her husband Ca$h Warren attended a Declare Yourself event this weekend to celebrate Obama’s inauguration.

What is up with that woman? I see a lot of pictures of her and she so very rarely looks happy. I mean, she’s a celebrity/one of the hottest women int he world, it just so happens she can’t act and therefore will never be in a movie that will both financially and critically successful. Yeah that sucks, but can’t celebrities buy their way out of it?

If I was rich, I would go to an event everyday and look really interested in every cause I took up, because I knew the second I wanted to leave the real world, I could go back to my mansion, take all those drugs I was saving up and enter my room of fantasies, where SexBots exist, Trix aren’t for kids and Jessica Alba always looks thrilled.

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Jessica Alba is Married



In case you missed it, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren had a shotgun wedding in the Beverly Hills courthouse shortly after noon yesterday. It was a quiet ceremony with no family or friends present. There were no family and friends present because Alba didn’t bother to tell them. Surprise! Us Magazine says:

My sister!? I’m going to have to call her!” Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday. When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us “Well, he’s my brother in law now!”

I’d like to take this time to let Jessica know that she is now dead to me. I can’t believe that all of those pretend moments we shared meant nothing to her. Like when I slept with my Into The Blue poster for the first time. I thought we felt some sort of connection. But, oh, I guess not. I see how it is. I’m sorry if my love was just too much for you!

In honor of the new bride, here are some classic NSFW pictures of her rack at the VMAs:

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Jessica Alba is Still Pregnant



Here are the first shots of Jessica Alba waddling around on her porch since the announcement of her pregnancy today. I can see why she would rush to tell everyone she’s pregnant given her obvious, massive weight gain. I mean, pshh, if I saw these pictures and didn’t already know Jessica Alba was pregnant, I’d be all, “Get off the balcony! All that weight is way more than the building codes had in mind, Professor Sherman Klump!!” Instead I’m all, “Get off my computer, Ugly Betty!”

Photo credit to JFX Online

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Jessica Alba is Pregnant



Jessica Alba, 26, is expecting her first child with her boyfriend of three years, Cash Warren, 28. Alba’s rep, told People:

I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,” says rep Brad Cafarelli.”

Sooooo, this came out of nowhere. Kinda like Cash Warren. Three years ago he was bringing the director of Fantastic Four his pumpkin spice latte, today he’s impregnated Jessica Alba. In July, Alba broke up with Warren over the phone. Sometime after that, she didn’t care if he pulled out. That raises a lot of questions. Questions like is Cash Warren some kind of mystical sorcerer? Beware, there might be no limit to his dark art!

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Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are Back Together



It’s been rumored that Jessica Alba and Cash Warren were a couple again, and I guess these pictures are some pretty undeniable proof. For a chick who dumped Cash Warren over the phone after dating him for almost three years, she sure looks like she’s in love. That’s weird because Cash Warren is broke and kinda goofy looking. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s the way he pops his collar. Guys who do that are usually super cool.

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