Carrie Underwood At The 40th AMAs



The 40th American Music Awards were last night, and although they tend to be liberal with the word “music”, Carrie Underwood looked hot as hell. Mostly because everyone else looked like complete idiots. I might post some pics from last night, but right now I’m more concerned as to why nobody has impregnated Carrie Underwood yet. If this was 1955 she’d have like six by now. And have a prescription pill addiction. And she’s probably be making lunch. I’d like to return to those values that made America great.

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Carrie Underwood Is In My Binder



Carrie Underwood and someone named Hunter Haynes performed at the Staples Center last night, and since Hunter Hayes doesn’t look like Carrie Underwood, you’re just going to have to take my word that he was on stage. Damn, I love blondes. They’ve always been my favorite, there’s nothing better than a…what? What do you mean? Of course I’ve always said that. Wait, you’re gonna sit here and tell me that I’ve ne….get the transcript.

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Oh Carrie Underwood… I would never hurt you



Carrie Underwood hit Rockefeller Plaza this week in NYC as a part of the Today Show’s Summer Toyota Concert Series. I know I’m dating myself, but seriously, who could treat this girl so bad she would destroy his truck?! A truck in the world of country music hicksville is like an fuckin Maybach in the real world!

Carrie, once your hockey-playing husband Mike Fisher is done losing the only teeth he has left, consider me before you drop all that coin on dentures. Just in maintenance alone that’s gotta be a bitch. And the mornings with the old man mouth… Call me.

Images from wenn.com

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“Christians” Hate Carrie Underwood Now



Last week, Carrie Underwood, country music superstar and self-proclaimed Christian, voiced her support for gay marriage. In case you missed it, here’s what she said. All shocking points, I know. People have the right to love who they choose? People shouldn’t be afraid to live their lives publicly because who they choose to love? Get the fuck outta here, man. Edge reports:

“As a married person myself, I don’t know what it’s like to be told I can’t marry somebody I love, and want to marry,” Underwood said. “I can’t imagine how that must feel. I definitely think we should all have the right to love, and love publicly, the people that we want to love.” “Our church is gay friendly,” the “Jesus, Take the Wheel” singer said. “Above all, God wanted us to love others. It’s not about setting rules, or [saying] ’everyone has to be like me’. No. We’re all different. That’s what makes us special. We have to love each other and get on with each other. It’s not up to me to judge anybody.”

And as expected, Christian conservatives now believe she is possessed by the devil. Beating your ex’s truck with a bat? Cool. Letting an imaginary entity drive your car? Cool. Love and acceptance for all? WHAT DEMONRY IS THIS???!!

“I warned @carrieunderwood fans that their idol was going to get backlash for her support of marriage perversion and I was right! #asusual,” one person tweeted.

“@carrieunderwood Is a disgrace. Being vegan and supporting gay marriage doesn’t seem very country at all,” another said.

“Another day, and a another ’gospel’ artist signed to ’EMI’ comes out supporting gay marriage.@carrieunderwood Unequally signed to the devil,” someone wrote.

“Using Christianity to defend and promote homosexuality is insulting. Ugh,” someone said. “Being Saved doesn’t stop you from being dumb,” another wrote. “Jesus just let go of the wheel,” a commenter said.

Ok, so here’s the thing. “Christian” literally means “Christ-like”, so if you say you’re a Christian and you hate an entire segment of the population, you’re fucking doing it wrong. Sorry. Not sure what to tell you. If a gay couple can ruin your marriage, you should probably spend more time fucking your wife and less time being concerned what Neil and Bob are doing in theirs. The church didn’t like who Jesus chose to hang around with either, you know, then they had him killed. So if a book written centuries after the fact let’s you sleep better at night because it allows you not to think for yourself, then have at it. But just to reiterate, you’ll be dead soon too. Praise God.

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Carrie Underwood Should Win Everything



Let’s face it, country music is hillbilly emo crap about lakes, spousal abuse, and Jesus’ driving skills, but dear God Carrie Underwood is hot. Like she is here at the American Country Awards. But I just found out that she’s an enrolled member of this. What the hell, Carrie? There goes my pickup line! What am I supposed to do now?!

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Carrie Underwood Is An Awesome Wife

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On July 10, Carrie Underwood married Ottawa Senators centre Mike Fisher in a private ceremony in Greensboro, Georgia. Before the wedding, Underwood stated publicly that she and Fisher would be moving to Ottawa and that she couldn’t wait to build their dream house there. Emphasis on “before the wedding”. The Enquirer reports:

“Carrie and Mike are experiencing a post-wedding comedown,” an insider told The ENQUIRER. “Reality is starting to set in, and it isn’t pretty. Mike is demanding that Carrie make good on her promise to move to Ottawa, Canada, where he’s based with his hockey team. But now Carrie is backtracking and refusing to leave her adopted hometown of Nashville.”

I don’t think “backtracking” might be the best word. How about “selfish” and “psychotic”? Yeah, that works.

Mike was going over renovation details for the 5,000-square-foot house he’s building in West Carleton, Ottawa,” the insider divulged. “He was talking about building a nursery when Carrie flew off the handle. She told Mike it was pointless to build space for a baby because she has no intention of living there. “Carrie claimed she hadn’t thought the living plan through when she committed earlier. She told Mike that she’s most comfortable recording and writing in Nashville, and that her touring commitments make Nashville a more logical home base. “Mike feels duped and raged that Carrie misled him. When Carrie said her mind was made up, Mike fired back, ‘I’ll be living in Canada, whether you’re there or not!'” “The conversation turned into a screaming match, and ended with Carrie in tears after locking herself in the bathroom.”

It’s a bit of a well-kept secret that Carrie Underwood is a raging cunt in real life, so this makes sense. But it’s probably just some kind of misunderstanding. Maybe somebody just pointed out to her that her name is Carrie Fisher.

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Everybody Got Married This Weekend

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Jennifer Aniston is on suicide watch today, because apparently everyone in Hollywood got married over the weekend. Martin Lawrence and Shamicka Gibbs, that one MTV VJ LaLa Vazquez (former MTV VJ, she’s rich now) and NBA star Carmelo Anthony, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski, and of course, Carrie Underwears and Mike Fisher. I only bring this up, because is Mike Fisher a hockey player or Hellboy? Christ, look at his freakin head. Has his mom got her stitches taken out yet? The only way somebody should have a head this big is if they are green humanoids who hate Superman or can levitate cars with their mind.

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Carrie Underwood Is Getting Married Tomorrow




I don’t listen to country music (although I do like Alan Jackson’s reflective couplet about laying rubber to hot coochie from way down yonder), but if I did, this might make me very upset. Page Six reports:

Carrie Underwood is to wed hockey star Mike Fisher tomorrow — but not even the guests know where. Sources said the superstar singer is refusing to confirm the location until the very last moment. Guests have been told to go to an airport in a southern city, from which they’ll be ferried to the site by private jet or limos. One source said, “Carrie wants to keep the wedding small and secret. She originally wanted up to $2 million for the photo rights, but she’s now believed to have struck a deal with a weekly magazine. Her rep didn’t get back to us.

Yeah, so is this a wedding or a rendition? Is the reception at Guantanamo Bay? I don’t get it. A karaoke contest winner and some dude from Canada are getting married. I’m pretty sure if terrorists are planning to release a biological weapon into the air, wherever you’re going won’t be ground zero. I’ve typed way too many sentences that seem like I care about this, so here’s Carrie Underwood in a bikini. Just fyi, I would aim for her tattoo if I were you. Skeet targets are usually shot at close range. I like to practice whenever my schedule allows.

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The Grammys Were Last Night



The 52 Annual Grammy Awards were last night, and other than the sheer glee of Lady Gaga losing to Kings of Leon, Beyonce, and Taylor Swift, Matt Schaub got the MVP award with a 13-for-17, 189 yards and two touchdown night. Vincent Jackson added 122 yards on 7 catches to help the AFC win 41-34. Wait, ok, maybe I didn’t watch the Grammys. So what if I didnt? God, why do you have to be so stuck up? You think you’re better that me, is that what you think?!

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The People’s Choice Awards Were Hot



Say what you want about country music, but I’d gladly spend a couple hundred at iTunes on songs about tire swings by the river and teardrops on guitars if it meant my penis could get a VIP tour of Carrie Underwood’s and Taylor Swift’s cervix. I’d split Taylor Swift’s skinny ass like I was trying to win a lumberjack contest.

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