The 47th Annual CMA Awards Were Last Night

Country music is dumb, but enough people listen to it so they have their own awards show, so the hillbilly Source Awards were last night. Specifically, the 47th Annual CMA Awards. I only know three people who were there, so here's Carrie Underwood (legs), Kellie Pickler (rack), and Taylor Swift (cold, dead vagina). Based on these pictures, the entire should have been a live feed of Carrie's legs doing various things. Great show, everybody.

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The 65th Emmy Awards Were Last Night

 

As my headline clearly points out, the 65th Emmys were last night. Here are some winners you may care about. And if you're don't punch your nearest coworker over the fact that Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul were robbed, I say unto you: Get away from me you workers of lawlessness. I never knew you.

 

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
Breaking Bad, AMC

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES
Modern Family, ABC

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Claire Danes, Homeland, Showtime

LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom, HBO

LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep, HBO

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire, HBO

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad, AMC

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Tony Hale, Veep, HBO

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie, Showtime

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Carrie Underwood Will Sing Away The Nazis
Carrie Underwood Will Sing Away The Nazis

 

NBC has released the first teaser poster for The Sound Of Music Live! starring Carrie Underwood as Maria von Trapp and Vampire Bill as Captain Georg von Trapp. And this is the picture they chose. This one. Why? I'm supposed to want to have sex with Carrie Underwood would I look at her not have hot cocoa.

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Carrie Underwood’s Legs Won The CMT Awards

Let's go ahead and get this out of the way, country music is dumb. Even black people can make it sound cool (I'm looking at you L.L. Cool J, Darius Rucker, and Miranda Lambert). With that said, Carrie Underwood sings country music and I'm a big fan of Carrie Underwood's legs, so here we are.I'm glad you could go on this journey with me.

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Carrie Underwood At The 40th AMAs



The 40th American Music Awards were last night, and although they tend to be liberal with the word “music”, Carrie Underwood looked hot as hell. Mostly because everyone else looked like complete idiots. I might post some pics from last night, but right now I’m more concerned as to why nobody has impregnated Carrie Underwood yet. If this was 1955 she’d have like six by now. And have a prescription pill addiction. And she’s probably be making lunch. I’d like to return to those values that made America great.

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Carrie Underwood Is In My Binder



Carrie Underwood and someone named Hunter Haynes performed at the Staples Center last night, and since Hunter Hayes doesn’t look like Carrie Underwood, you’re just going to have to take my word that he was on stage. Damn, I love blondes. They’ve always been my favorite, there’s nothing better than a…what? What do you mean? Of course I’ve always said that. Wait, you’re gonna sit here and tell me that I’ve ne….get the transcript.

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Oh Carrie Underwood… I would never hurt you



Carrie Underwood hit Rockefeller Plaza this week in NYC as a part of the Today Show’s Summer Toyota Concert Series. I know I’m dating myself, but seriously, who could treat this girl so bad she would destroy his truck?! A truck in the world of country music hicksville is like an fuckin Maybach in the real world!

Carrie, once your hockey-playing husband Mike Fisher is done losing the only teeth he has left, consider me before you drop all that coin on dentures. Just in maintenance alone that’s gotta be a bitch. And the mornings with the old man mouth… Call me.

Images from wenn.com

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“Christians” Hate Carrie Underwood Now



Last week, Carrie Underwood, country music superstar and self-proclaimed Christian, voiced her support for gay marriage. In case you missed it, here’s what she said. All shocking points, I know. People have the right to love who they choose? People shouldn’t be afraid to live their lives publicly because who they choose to love? Get the fuck outta here, man. Edge reports:

“As a married person myself, I don’t know what it’s like to be told I can’t marry somebody I love, and want to marry,” Underwood said. “I can’t imagine how that must feel. I definitely think we should all have the right to love, and love publicly, the people that we want to love.” “Our church is gay friendly,” the “Jesus, Take the Wheel” singer said. “Above all, God wanted us to love others. It’s not about setting rules, or [saying] ’everyone has to be like me’. No. We’re all different. That’s what makes us special. We have to love each other and get on with each other. It’s not up to me to judge anybody.”

And as expected, Christian conservatives now believe she is possessed by the devil. Beating your ex’s truck with a bat? Cool. Letting an imaginary entity drive your car? Cool. Love and acceptance for all? WHAT DEMONRY IS THIS???!!

“I warned @carrieunderwood fans that their idol was going to get backlash for her support of marriage perversion and I was right! #asusual,” one person tweeted.

“@carrieunderwood Is a disgrace. Being vegan and supporting gay marriage doesn’t seem very country at all,” another said.

“Another day, and a another ’gospel’ artist signed to ’EMI’ comes out supporting gay marriage.@carrieunderwood Unequally signed to the devil,” someone wrote.

“Using Christianity to defend and promote homosexuality is insulting. Ugh,” someone said. “Being Saved doesn’t stop you from being dumb,” another wrote. “Jesus just let go of the wheel,” a commenter said.

Ok, so here’s the thing. “Christian” literally means “Christ-like”, so if you say you’re a Christian and you hate an entire segment of the population, you’re fucking doing it wrong. Sorry. Not sure what to tell you. If a gay couple can ruin your marriage, you should probably spend more time fucking your wife and less time being concerned what Neil and Bob are doing in theirs. The church didn’t like who Jesus chose to hang around with either, you know, then they had him killed. So if a book written centuries after the fact let’s you sleep better at night because it allows you not to think for yourself, then have at it. But just to reiterate, you’ll be dead soon too. Praise God.

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Carrie Underwood Should Win Everything



Let’s face it, country music is hillbilly emo crap about lakes, spousal abuse, and Jesus’ driving skills, but dear God Carrie Underwood is hot. Like she is here at the American Country Awards. But I just found out that she’s an enrolled member of this. What the hell, Carrie? There goes my pickup line! What am I supposed to do now?!

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Carrie Underwood Is An Awesome Wife



On July 10, Carrie Underwood married Ottawa Senators centre Mike Fisher in a private ceremony in Greensboro, Georgia. Before the wedding, Underwood stated publicly that she and Fisher would be moving to Ottawa and that she couldn’t wait to build their dream house there. Emphasis on “before the wedding”. The Enquirer reports:

“Carrie and Mike are experiencing a post-wedding comedown,” an insider told The ENQUIRER. “Reality is starting to set in, and it isn’t pretty. Mike is demanding that Carrie make good on her promise to move to Ottawa, Canada, where he’s based with his hockey team. But now Carrie is backtracking and refusing to leave her adopted hometown of Nashville.”

I don’t think “backtracking” might be the best word. How about “selfish” and “psychotic”? Yeah, that works.

Mike was going over renovation details for the 5,000-square-foot house he’s building in West Carleton, Ottawa,” the insider divulged. “He was talking about building a nursery when Carrie flew off the handle. She told Mike it was pointless to build space for a baby because she has no intention of living there. “Carrie claimed she hadn’t thought the living plan through when she committed earlier. She told Mike that she’s most comfortable recording and writing in Nashville, and that her touring commitments make Nashville a more logical home base. “Mike feels duped and raged that Carrie misled him. When Carrie said her mind was made up, Mike fired back, ‘I’ll be living in Canada, whether you’re there or not!’” “The conversation turned into a screaming match, and ended with Carrie in tears after locking herself in the bathroom.”

It’s a bit of a well-kept secret that Carrie Underwood is a raging cunt in real life, so this makes sense. But it’s probably just some kind of misunderstanding. Maybe somebody just pointed out to her that her name is Carrie Fisher.

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