Taylor Swift Wants To ‘Destroy’ Calvin Harris & Tom Hiddleston On Her New Album
Taylor Swift Wants To ‘Destroy’ Calvin Harris & Tom Hiddleston On Her New Album


You might want to sit down for this, because you’re not gonna believe it, but Taylor Swift is planning to write horrible shit about Calvin Harris and Tom Hiddleston on her next album. I know, right?! So unlike her. 

“Taylor’s been left fuming and is going to use her next album to restore her reputation and set the record straight,” says one insider. “She says she’ll destroy Calvin and Tom – she’s determined to get payback revealing details which, until now, she’d promised to keep secret.” 

Buy why though? For the most Taylor Swift reason possible: she’s a petulant child with only pettiness to keep her heart beating (her petty fire mixtape of the last calendar year track listing: Track 1, Track 2, Track 3, Track 4). 

Apparently it’s not so much the breakups that have outraged Taylor, but the way both Hiddleston and Harris seemed to welcome the attention that followed their respective splits: “Taylor’s blood was boiling when Tom’s camp waded in with stories slamming her,” the source says. “This was made worse by Calvin’s comments, which felt like another dig, as she said Calvin was twisting the knife when her reputation was already at an all-time low.”

Ugh, why can’t they just let her PR team answer with her usual victimization auto-responder and let her get all the attention? Why do these men always have to tell their side of the story even though she implicitly made them sign the NDA? Maybe the crochet pattern she got off Etsy was hard to read. It might not even be a legal document. 


#fbf 


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Calvin Harris Arranged A Meeting With Tom Hiddleston, Is Banging Jennifer Lopez
Calvin Harris Arranged A Meeting With Tom Hiddleston, Is Banging Jennifer Lopez


Calvin Harris reportedly reached out to Tom Hiddleston so they can meet up and “trade war stories about their rough times with Taylor Swift“. Yes, please. 

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Calvin Harris Says Taylor Swift ‘Clearly Wasn’t Right’
Calvin Harris Says Taylor Swift ‘Clearly Wasn’t Right’


It’s been a good week for Calvin Harris. He’s banging this, and he won Solo Artist Of The Year Award at the GQ Men Of The Year Awards (where this attended). He was also interviewed in the October 2016 of British GQ. Guess what he talked about? 

“It’s very difficult when something I consider so personal plays out very publicly,” he says. “The aftermath of the relationship was way more heavily publicised than the relationship itself. When we were together, we were very careful for it not to be a media circus. She respected my feelings in that sense. I’m not good at being a celebrity.”

Calvin wouldn’t let Taylor call the paparazzi to take pics of them on rocks, and they never appeared on red carpets together, so he should have known her life force requires constant attention and validation. But in the end, Taylor eventually got the drama she lives for. 

“But when it ended, all hell broke loose. Now I see that Twitter thing as a result of me succumbing to pressure. It took me a minute to realise that none of that matters. I’m a positive guy. For both of us it was the wrong situation. It clearly wasn’t right, so it ended, but all of the stuff that happened afterwards…”

And by “that Twitter thing”, Calvin Harris is, of course, referring to when Taylor Swift’s team leaked the news that she co-wrote Calvin Harris‘ hit with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For”. Why? Because she felt “disrespected”. She felt so disrespected that she had her team  release this news less than a month after she had a staged photo op to announce her relationship with Tom Hiddleston. You remember Tom Hiddleston? It’s the dude she cheated on Harris with at the Met Ball. The dude who already broke with up her. There’s really no other bland white dude left for Taylor to date now besides Tim Tebow. 


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Calvin Harris Is Banging Eiza Gonzalez Now
Calvin Harris Is Banging Eiza Gonzalez Now


Calvin Harris, who famously dated the petty jar of mayonnaise with the nice legs, is now reportedly banging, Eiza Gonzalez, the TV version of Salma Hayek in the TV version of From Dusk Til Dawn.  People phrases it another way. 

Harris, 32, and González, 26, were seen leaving a friend’s Los Angeles party arm-in-arm on Saturday night. “They have been talking and hanging out,” a source tells PEOPLE of Harris and González’s status. “It’s new.”

Last time we heard from Calvin Harris he was banging Tinashe. Last time we heard from Tom Hiddleston was…when? Oh god. Why haven’t we heard from Tom Hiddleston? Where is Tom Hiddleston. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact Tumblr or your local law enforcement. His appearance may have changed or Taylor Swift has him in a chair bolted to the floor while her cat performs a Haim medley. 


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Calvin Harris Is Banging Tinashe
 

@PaperMagazine

A photo posted by TINASHE (@tinashenow) on


Man, yesterday was fun, huh? Good times, good times. The emails have been great. They included such hot takes as “do people really care about this?” and such scathing commentary as “kill yourself”. I even received a request to post a mixtape, but it was not fire as the subject line led me to believe. But that was yesterday, so today, while Taylor Swift’s PR team is trying to find a lost village of child burn victims that Taylor can serenade and pose with on Instagram, Calvin Harris has been quietly banging Tinashe. I mean, for her sake he’s not banging her quietly. You know what I meant. Don’t be that guy. 

A source tells Page Six exclusively that the DJ is “casually” seeing “Superlove” singer Tinashe. “They have been seeing each other on the DL. It’s only been weeks, so it’s still pretty casual right now. They’ve been on a few dates,” the source told us.  Tinashe and Harris met in the studio in 2014 when they collaborated on the song “Dollar Signs.” They were rumored to be writing songs for Rihanna at the time. “They stayed in touch and recently started hanging out again,” the source said. The duo was spotted on a date at Nobu in Malibu on Saturday. “It was clearly a date. They were super close,” a spy said.

“Pretty casual” = “texting when it’s convenient when for both parties, and making plans to eat and fuck when schedules allow”. I guess that’s what most people do after a breakup instead of an elaborate YA novel press release on some rocks. Get yours, Calvin. 


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BREAKING: Taylor Swift Is Overly Sensitive, Insanely Petty
BREAKING: Taylor Swift Is Overly Sensitive, Insanely Petty


So, I guess the big news today is that Taylor Swift co-wrote Calvin Harris‘ hit with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For”.  She used a Swedish pseudonym (?) because she wanted to keep it a secret. Well, until Calvin Harris decided to respect her wishes. Why? Because Taylor Swift is an unhinged sociopath. 

The problem in the relationship came the day the song was released. Calvin appeared on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show and Ryan asked, “Will you do a collaboration with your girlfriend?” Calvin responded, “You know we haven’t even spoken about it. I can’t see it happening though.”

You know what happened next.

…and their relationship fell apart because he disrespected her when the song was released … this according to sources connected with Taylor. We’re told Taylor was hurt and felt Calvin took it too far. It was a quick downward spiral from that point. One source called it “the breaking point in the relationship.”

But what happened next WILL SHOCK YOU.

The Met Gala was several days later, when Taylor danced with Tom Hiddleston.

To recap, Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift wrote a song together, he respected her wishes to keep it a secret by answering a question in an interview that would shut down any rumors, she took it as disrespectful, she then cheated on him a week later, threw the guy she cheated on him with in his face at every turn, and when she had a break from traveling the world with the guy she cheated with, she decided to tell the world, “HEY I’M THE ONE WHO CO-WROTE HIS SMASH HIT HES NOTHNG WITHOUT ME SO THERE HAHA TOM LOVES ME FOR REAL HONEST WE HAVE THE STAGED PICS TO PROVE IT.’ 


In his defense, Calvin Harris is on Twitter right now and he’s not here for this bullshit. Anyway here’s the song. 



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Calvin Harris Said Taylor Swift Cheated On Him And Controlled The Media
Calvin Harris Said Taylor Swift Cheated On Him And Controlled The Media


Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston were seen Disney kissing on a rock less than a month after she broke up with Calvin Harris. According to the story her team fed Us Weekly, Tom Hiddleston must have bugged her house, because “he really courted her” and  “she was suddenly single, and he went for it”. Uh huh. But they had to reiterate she was single again, just so everyone is clear: “she’s single, so of course if a cute guy reaches out who she likes, she would talk to him”.


That scenario makes the most sense, I think. Taylor was sitting around heartbroken, then Tom was romantic and courted her like she was a Duggar, and I bet they fell asleep on the phone with each other because neither of them wanted to hang up. He reached out and yanked her three weeks later back to her house in Rhode Island, and they’re love was so instant and perfect, The Sun couldn’t help but write prose for their pictures that Taylor doesn’t allow paparazzi to take except this one specific  time. And when they kissed they knew this was it, so six days in, all this was happening without any planning or forethought, because bluebirds and love and meadows. 


Oh wait, here’s another scenario we should probably throw out there even though it seems pretty implausible!

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Taylor Swift Crashed A Wedding, Ran Calvin Harris Off With ‘Marriage, Babies’ Talk
 

Third wheel

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on



OMG, did you guys hear?! Taylor Swift crashed a wedding! I thought she hated weddings

Over the weekend, the singer made a special trip to New Jersey, where she surprised two of her biggest fans, Max Singer and Kenya Smith, with a performance at their wedding. Clad in a gorgeous strapless dress, Taylor took to the piano and belted out “Blank Space,” like only she can. But that wasn’t the best part! What made the moment even sweeter was the story behind the surprise. Back in April, Max’s sister, Ali, reached out to Taylor in a letter regarding the death of their mother, telling the singer how the couple tied the knot in a hospital so their mom wouldn’t miss out on her son’s big day. The groom and his mom even danced to Taylor’s “Blank Space” before she passed away.

I really don’t want to get into why a man would dance with his dying mother to “Blank Space” of all songs. Either his wife made that up, or the mother died so she could get all this over with. But I think what Taylor’s PR team wants us to take from this story is that Taylor is comfortable at weddings, and there’s zero chance of her tackling the bride when the white dress triggers a PTSD flare up. She’s totally fine, everything’s fine, no worries. Just take a few steps back and let her get some air. Totally fine. Except maybe not.

She used to talk about their future a lot — marriage, babies. And although he wants all of that, it just felt a bit like she was all full-steam ahead, whereas he is more of a slow and steady, let things progress organically, kind of guy,” the insider tells Us. “It’s a shame because Taylor is a lovely girl,” the source adds. “But it just obviously wasn’t meant to be.”

Now keep in mind that Taylor Swift wrote two songs on two different albums about Harry Styles and they dated a month. She dated Conor Kennedy for three months then tried to buy a house across the street from his mom. We don’t even need to get into poor Joe Jonas. That poor bastard. She dated Calvin Harris for 15 months. Fifteen. You know how long that is in Swift? It’s a long time. Maybe Demi Lovato is single because Taylor can’t self-harm and needs somebody who know what they’re doing. Levels. 


I’ll keep posting these until I’m told to stop.


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Taylor Swift Now Says She Dumped Calvin Harris Because He Tried To Marry Her
Taylor Swift Now Says She Dumped Calvin Harris Because He Tried To Marry Her


Remember yesterday when I couldn’t figure out who dropped the Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris breakup first? It was Calvin. Because today, Taylor dropped hers. 

“She broke up with him this week,” the source said. “She gave a bulls–t excuse about her career. He was ring shopping.

Now realize this expects you to believe that Taylor Swift dumped a dude who she knew was about to propose. They want us to believe Taylor Swift did this. Now if Harris was shopping for rings that weren’t on her approved list that she cross-stitched and left under his pillow, then maybe that happened. No details yet. Here’s one. 

A source close to the DJ – whom sources confirm ultimately pulled the plug on the relationship – tells PEOPLE that the split “wasn’t a shock” for Swift because the couple had ongoing issues. “They come from very different worlds,” the source explains. “Taylor is used to being treated a certain way.”  The Harris insider added that he didn’t feel like the relationship was “leading anywhere.”

I’ll let you assume what that linked sentence means. But he was shopping for rings because it wasn’t “leading anywhere” and politely saying he left her because she was a dead lay. Sounds reasonable to me. But that’s not all!

Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift’s relationship ended because the DJ was “intimidated” by her success, a friend of the singer tells PEOPLE.  “[Harris] said on multiple occasions that he was intimidated by Taylor, which is why he would not attend any events where she was being honored, or any award shows unless he was nominated,” explains Swift’s friend.

Obviously, not that intimidated in Taylor Swift’s daybed. He was probably intimidated by Taylor’s success after reading that he’s the richest DJ in the world. Maybe nobody has shown him that yet and he doesn’t know. That’s another option. And who is this friend talking to People? Gigi Hadid suddenly has a lot of free time. 


#fbf


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Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Broke Up
Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Broke Up


Taylor Swift reportedly got dumped by Calvin Harris last week after dating for 15 months. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard were married for 15 months. What does it mean? I will not rest until I unravel this conspiracy. 

E! News has confirmed through multiple sources that Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have broken up after dating for almost a year and a half. “This all happened last week,” a source tells us. “Taylor and Adam had no big blowout fight, but the romance just was not there anymore for them. Adam is the one that ended it. It was all done in a very mature fashion. Taylor is pretty upset but they are still in communication. Taylor was there for Adam with his accident and supportive.”

This is about Taylor Swift, so it’s really hard to tell if this is Calvin’s PR team (“Calvin didn’t hit Taylor like that other guy in the news, but he dumped her because she’s a dead lay. Taylor is a very nice person though. Warmest regards.”) or Taylor’s Sr. Communication And Media Relations Director (“Taylor was not crazy in any way, we want to make perfectly clear, but Calvin was the one who ended it even though Taylor’s presence nursed him back to health after his sketch ass car accident.”) In Calvin’s defense, this is Christmas if you’re dating Taylor Swift. That’s way too far from the inside and way too many clothes for that holiday if you’re under 35.  And that was probably like the 6th take of that picture. And this is happens when you take her to a tropical island. I understand that he’s a DJ and whatnot, but no man deserves that. Get your game face on, Ed Sheeran. It’s your time to shine. Go write something about building a snowman.


#tbt I knew something was up with these butt pads or whatever. Too little too late, I’m afraid. 



[ banner pic = Instagram

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