Kim Kardashian Is Devastated You Guys Are Calling Her Fat

Because I assume he's just happy somebody wanted interview him, Kim Kardashian's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, says he is upset how cruelly  the media treated Kim (HAHAHAHAHA)  when she was pregnant and gained enough weight for five babies. He also said it gave her lots of sads. Take it away, Radar Online:

“A lot of very cruel things were written about her,” Brody, who was prominently featured on this past season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, told the U.K.’s Now magazine. “When you’re pregnant it should be a great stage in your life and you shouldn’t have to go to every newsstand and see pictures and headlines saying: ‘Kim’s a whale.’” He gave insight as to how rough things got, saying that “for a while, Kim was all bummed out with all the ridicule she was getting about her weight during her pregnancy … it was definitely getting to her. “I know it upset her — it should have been one of the happiest times of her life and it wasn’t,” the hunky star of The Hills said. “People gain weight when they’re pregnant and there’s nothing wrong with that. It upset me to read some things about her.”

Look, yes, a woman gains weight while she's pregnant. It's gross and stuff, but that's what happens when another human being is growing inside of you. But most women aren't trying to squeeze their fetus into things like this and this. And, brace yourself, this. Also, when you and your mom continually manipulate the media by putting you on the cover of every magazine in a bikini and it looks like Pixar did the post work, expect some backlash when you gain 200 pounds. Babies aren't some magical force fields that deflect jokes about your weight. Sorry. People put babies in barrels now. If they had any special powers, they would probably try to destroy the barels with their minds instead of making you feel better when you eat chocolate pizza.


Note: Why pictures of Kendall Jenner in tiny shorts instead Kim Kardashian? Bro. Never ask me that question again.

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Kris Jenner Is Queen Whore

I know it might be hard to believe that a woman who lied to her own daughter about who her father was for her whole life then forced her other daughter to make a sex tape then whored out her other two daughters as soon as she smelled menstrual blood would cheat on her husband, but surprise, Kris Jenner is having an affair with Todd Waterman. You know, the same guy she was banging while still married to Robert Kardashian. Radar Online reports:

The couple’s 21-year marriage is on the verge of collapse after Bruce caught the momager earlier this year cozying up to boy toy Todd Waterman, whom she had an affair with while she was married to the late Robert Kardashian, and old wounds are about to be reopened, the National Enquirer reports exclusively in its new issues. The 62-year-old Olympic champion was devastated when he walked in on his wife composing an email to her ex, but what he doesn’t know is that she went as far as meeting up with him for a romantic rendezvous, and you can see a photo of Kris and Todd in a clandestine hug in the Enquirer’s new issue. “Kris told no one, but she did go out with Todd, and it was an electrifying date,” said an insider. “Kris walked out of the restaurant where they’d met looking like the cat that ate the canary. It’s so obvious that she still carries a torch for him.” After being busted signing an “xoxo” to Waterman, Kris made lame excuses claiming she needed final closure, but her hubby wasn’t buying it and stormed out. “He believes, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater.’ I don’t think he can believe that Kris has had the audacity to keep it up with Todd when their marriage is on the line,” explained the friend. “Cheating is a deal breaker for him, so their marriage is teetering on the edge.”

The entire family are nothing more than a bunch vile, money hungry cunts who would suck a giraffe’s dick during the Super Bowl halftime show if they thought they could get a check or a new plotline, and it all starts with Kris Jenner. Ryan Seacrest and E! have no shame promoting this family as hard-working, businesswomen, but it really doesn’t take that much work to lay on your back and get pregnant or fucked on camera by every dick that can put money in your bank account. The best possible thing that could have happened to Robert Kardashian was to have died from cancer, because I’m pretty sure he would have blown his fucking brains out a long time ago knowing what his daughters and his bitch ass son have become. The only one that seems remotely genuine is Khloe, but she doesn’t get a pass because she’s a willing participant. Kris Jenner is evil. There’s really no other way to say it. And if Bruce Jenner can take some of that Wheaties money to build a Emasculation Reversal Machine and find the balls to cut this bitch’s head off, I think the America and the ghost of Nicole Simpson would rest a lot easier.

Note: Haha, it’s always a “Todd”.

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This Is Single

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Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne broke up. Radar Online reports:

“Brody and Avril aren’t engaged any longer,” a family friend tells Star magazine exclusively. “Things weren’t working out between the two of them. They decided to go their separate ways.” The friend explained that the couple — who have been together since early 2010 and got engaged over the holidays – have a rocky relationship. “[They] go through incredible highs and lows in their relationship and recently things have taken a nosedive,” the source said. “They are just taking things day by day before making any life changing decision.” Another source adds that they broke up because they got cold feet about getting married, but also believes this could be just a temporary break. “They got cold feet,” the source said. “I don’t think this is the end. It sounds like they are just taking a break for now. I’m sure they’ll work it out and get back together.”

I was kind of hoping these two crazy kids could work it out, but only because no one else in the world deserves to be subjected to them. One has a tattoo of his own name and the other is famous for singing about being “the motherfucking princess” and having teeth that belong on a necklace. If they’re going to end things, they should do it right. You know, with a suicide pact.

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Avril Lavigne Is A Catch

Avril Lavigne is known as a courteous, intelligent, kindhearted person, so when she got into a fight with a stranger, it came as a shock to everyone. Except now. TMZ reports:

Brody Jenner was cracked in the head with a bottle trying to break up a fight in Hollywood early this morning — and law enforcement tells TMZ … the fight was between an unknown girl and Brody’s GF, Avril Lavigne. According to our sources, Avril got into a dust-up shortly before 1:00 AM at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. We’re told when Brody tried to intervene … he took a bottle to the head from someone for his troubles. Law enforcement sources tell us hotel security broke up the fight and detained Brody and others involved. Police were called to the hotel and when all was said and done … we’re told the police report listed Brody as the victim of an assault with a deadly weapon. Our sources say Brody was the only one involved who spoke to police — the other combatants (including Avril) had split by the time they arrived. We’re told Brody refused medical attention and went to the hospital on his own.

This story confirms what you already think of Avril Lavigne. Avril Lavigne almost got her teeth knocked straight by a stranger because she’s a bratty, entitled, instigating little shit. Brody helped her out, so she left him bleeding to deal with cops alone. The only way she could be a better girlfriend would be to kick him in the nuts when he comes home to find her fucking his best friend.

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Brody Jenner’s Mom Is Avril Lavigne’s Other Fan

Brody Jenner’s mom likes Avril Lavigne. Can you tell it’s a slow news day? E! Online says:

“They’re almost a year together,” Jenner’s mom Linda Thompson told us last night at the Global Action Forum awards gala in Beverly Hills. “She’s an amazing young woman and I feel really fortunate that she’s in our lives.”

So have the couple started planning a walk down the aisle?

“Not yet,” Thompson said. “I mean they’re very young. They both have their careers to concentrate on.”

But that doesn’t mean Brody’s mama doesn’t think they’ll one day tie the knot!

When asked if she thinks they’ll be together forever, Thompson gushed, “I actually do yeah.”

“You never know what will happen but they are well suited for each other,” she said. “She’s such a lovely person and surprisingly, she’s a real home body. She loves to cook and she’s really grounded and very familial. She’s into close-knit family time. I really respect her.”

Avril Lavigne is a moronic, self-obsessed, drunk divorcee who looks, dresses, and acts like a 14-year-old cutter, but Brody Jenner’s mom is stoked to have her. If her hopes for her children are this high, I can only imagine how proud she’d be if she were Montana Fishburne’s mom. “I admire her independence. She makes her own money and doesn’t rely on her parents, and that takes a lot of strength.”

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Photoshop Christmas

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I…I…I don’t even know. Kim said:

Every year the whole family gets together to take pics for our family Christmas card. This year was extra special because we had a new addition to the family… little Mason! We went super glam this year and each went for our own look. Kourt chose a tailored suit to match Mason and Scott, Khloe went for gorgeous peach ruffles and I chose a floor-length white gown. How stunning do Kendall and Kylie look!? This might be my favorite of all our family Christmas cards!

If somebody can show me in this picture where I’m supposed to see “super glam” and “stunning” that would be great. Christ. This picture couldn’t be less realistic if there was a dragon in a tuxedo and the Hezbollah looking baby had Doc Ock robot arms.

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Joe Francis Gone Wild!

On August 27th, Brody Jenner and his girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, claimed that Girl’s Gone Wild founder, Joe Francis, “pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her.” Francis adamantly denied these allegations, calling Jayde a liar and that he would be vindicated. I had to look in the dictionary to see if “vindicated” still meant what I thought it did. As it turns out, Joe Francis might have used it wrong.

Jayde Nicole in a bikini. Respect. You can also check out her Playboy pics HERE (NSFW, duh):

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Joe Francis Is A Monster

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The Hills star, Brody Jenner, the son of Olympian Bruce Jenner and step-brother to the Kardashians, beat down Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis last night. Man, you’ll never guess why. TMZ reports:

According to Jenner, he and his girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis), Jenner says “unrelentingly.” Jayde felt he was harassing the woman — whom Jayde and Brody know — and she threw a drink on Francis. Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away — Brody followed. Jenner says he started yelling at Francis and both men were ejected from the club. Outside the club, Jenner says he tried to get back in to see Jayde but security wouldn’t let him back in. Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground. Francis left the scene. The cops came but no one was arrested. Jayde tells TMZ she will press charges against Francis. Jayde has black and blue cheek, her face is swollen, she has a bruised left rib and her lower abdomen is sour. Some of of hair got pulled out.

UPDATE: Brody put the following message on his Twitter: “Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him. How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of sh*t. Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!”

All you ever need to know about Joe Francis you can read HERE. And after reading it you don’t want to break in your new 12-gauge on his skull, you should probably rethink your life. I usually don’t say stuff like this and mean it, but if this asshole would wake up tomorrow buried under concrete, the world would be a better place. I may write about tits all day, but I’m just some idiot on a couch eating Ramen noodles and watching Two and Half Men reruns. This guy actually started a business so he could get girls drunk and have them make out with each other so when he raped them they wouldn’t mind seem to mind. If justice existed, this piece of shit would be injected with gasoline and thrown into a volcano.

Pic source: TMZ (duh)

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None Of It’s Real, But Who Cares?

Above: Lexie Contursi AKA Sexi Lexi at the Valentine’s Day Charity Party for Playmate Jayde Nicole’s “Lengths of Love.”

Jayde, who is dating Sir Douchey Spencer Pratt planned “Lengths of Love” as a charity where Brody and Jayde grow their hair out for a year, then cut it off and donate it to charity.

Great. So some poor cancer patient is going to get hair that was in the page’s of Playboy and hair so gelled to shit that it looks like their hair stood up straight and stayed that way when they were told they had cancer.

Hef is still out partying, which is nice. But it’s sort of like Grandpa telling sex jokes: it’s charming until he whips his dick out.

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