Britney Is Just Happy To Be Here At This Point

It truly is an amazing feat that Britney Spears‘  brain has necessitated enough willpower to keep her breathing all these years,  and since it has to work so hard to keep her upright, it doesn’t have enough useable energy left to keep her from having resting derp face. She got the key to the city of Las Vegas yesterday, so expect to see her on the news for trying to unlock a gas station to get a hot dog.

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Britney Is Trying To Sue The Chick Who Banged Her Boyfriend
Britney Is Trying To Sue The Chick Who Banged Her Boyfriend

 

“Nah, bitch.”

 

You already know that Britney Spears‘ boyfriend David Lucado cheated on her. And you probably might know that he cheated on her with some busted ass Asian porn star named Cali Lee who looks like a nail tech. Now we find out that Britney’s anger is misguided.

Britney’s legal team sent a nasty letter to Cali Lee … warning her that Brit’s former BF David Lucado signed a confidentiality agreement with Britney, and anything he told Cali during their affair must be kept secret. Here’s the thing … it’s BS. Cali is NOT bound by some confidentiality agreement David signed. Period. And Cali’s lawyer has told his client she can say what she wants. In the letter, obtained by TMZ, the lawyer writes, “Rest assured that our client has the resources and the resolve to pursue this matter no matter what the financial cost or outlay in time.”

Yeah, so David Lucado signed the confidentiality agreement. Love You Long Time didn’t, so unless she hires someone to write a tell-all book that contains information that only Lucado would know, then she can only go after him. Britney’s lawyers know that, but they’ll gladly take her money anyway, because Britney is gullible and kinda dumb. She’s basically Forrest Gump if Forrest Gump used to have a really, really nice ass.

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Britney Spears’ Boyfriend Cheated On Her
Britney Spears’ Boyfriend Cheated On Her

 

Womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer hand sanitizer baby.

Britney Spears just dumped her boyfriend of 18 months … after finding out there’s a video of him cheating on her that’s being shopped around Hollywood. We’re told David Lucado is seen in the video making out with a woman and dancing with her. It looks like they’re in someone’s living room. We’re told the video was shot in early August. When we called Lucado … a rep told us, “David is very, very in love with Britney. This is unfortunate and he hopes that it all works out.” Well, it didn’t. We called Britney’s camp for comment, and we were told her father Jamie wanted to say something about it, but wanted to tell Britney first. It appears as soon he told her … she broke up with David. She just tweeted, “Ahhhh the single life!”

I realize most of my time on this site has been spent making fun of Britney Spears, but damn. Poor thing. She can’t really sing, she really only has one good song (if you don’t like “Toxic” you’re lying to yourself and all those around you), she’s kinda mentally slow, she let Kevin Federline blow in her twice, she shaved her head and attacked a car with an umbrella because she more than likely has some undiagnosed psychosis, her life is completely controlled by her father like she’s a Duggar, but she’s still here with legions of fans and a bank account that would make Joel Olsteen rock hard. Now she has to suffer yet another public humiliation, because some dude named David doesn’t understand the concept of discretion.  So, here’s to ya, Britney. I apologize for being mean to you all those years. Keep doing whatever it is you’re doing in this video. I really don’t know what you’re talking about in it, but that’s okay.

 

 

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Britney Spears Is Releasing A Lingerie Line
Britney Spears Is Releasing A Lingerie Line

 

 

NOTE: Photoshop sold separately.

The underwear range is titled The Intimate Collection and includes the sexy black mesh-panelled bra and high-waisted pants Spears models in her Instagram photo. While it’s not yet clear if Britney will model the whole range, she does have previous experience of posing in her own designs, having starred in her Candie’s collection campaign in 2010. The Intimate Collection’s official website states that the line will initially be launching in the US and Canada on September 9th, then in Europe on September 26th.

Britney Spears is releasing a lingerie line. Think about that for a minute. Then realize it’s like Casey Anthony releasing her own fragrance.

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Britney Spears Went To The Cheesecake Factory, Forgot To Pay
Britney Spears Went To The Cheesecake Factory, Forgot To Pay

 

Dude, if there was a Cheesecake Factory/Taco Bell, they’d lose a lot of money on this chick.

Britney Spears had a delicious meal at The Cheesecake Factory and best of all it was FREE … because she skipped out without paying the bill. Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … Britney and BF David Lucado were at the Thousand Oaks, CA restaurant where they had an appetizer and a salad.   At the end of the lunch the waitress came over with the $30 bill, and Britney said her security guy would pay it.  She and David then walked out — with a doggie bag. Problem is … security never paid. Britney’s people tell TMZ … she feels “horrible” and it was an honest mistake.  The guard thought Britney paid and she believed he paid the bill. But here’s the real headline — She’s worth north of $50 million and she took the salad home in a doggie bag.  Waste not, want not.

TMZ effectively cheesecake shamed Britney into going back and paying the bill and leaving a $100 tip, so that’s good. I really want to believe this feel story, but the article says Britney ordered a salad, so I’m not really sure if I can trust this. I have trust issues that I’m working through right now.

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Here’s Britney Spears Without Auto-Tune
Here’s Britney Spears Without Auto-Tune

 

 

 

This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody, but Britney Spears can’t sing for shit. So if you want to stare at your screen like you did when you first saw 2 Girls 1 Cup, go ahead and play this video of Britney singing “Alien” after she was obviously just hit with a drone in the throat. Explain it away producer guy!

Dearest Music Lovers, I have heard that Britney vocal link that everybody’s been discussing. It has been impossible not to as there have been many comments directing my attention to it. [I won’t re-posting it here]. I’d like to affirm that ANY singer when first at the mic at the start of a long session can make a multitude of vocalisations in order to get warmed up. Warming up is essential if you’re a pro, as it is with a runner doing stretches, and it takes a while to do properly. I’ve heard all manner of sounds emitted during warmups. The point is that it is not supposed to be shared with millions of listeners. A generous singer will put something down the mic to help the engineer get their systems warmed up and at the right level, maybe whilst having a cup of herb tea and checking through lyrics before the session really kicks off. It’s not expected to be a ‘take’. I think that 99% of you reading this will totally understand.

Ok, first off, Britney Spears ain’t drinking herbal tea. She’s chasing laxatives with a Sunkist frappucino, so you’ve lost credibilty here off top. Second, a “generous singer” can, you know, sing. That’s why they call them singers. Third, let’s not use a running metaphor to describe Britney Spears. She won’t understand what you’re talking about. And you really should have started this whole thing with “Attention Wal-Mart shoppers”.

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Lookin’ Good, Britney

 

Here's Britney Spears going to Planet Blue in Malibu, and obviously she's going to buy some clothes, because she's only wearing what she could grab after her trailer caught on fire.

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Britney Spears Probably Needs A Bigger Size

 

Hey, remember when every Britney Spears' post on here was either her vagina falling out of a car or her nipples staring at the ground? Good times, good times. Well, she's old and irrelevant now, so that only means one thing: a show in Las Vegas. And boy, fans were in for a treat on Saturday when a medicated, divorced, single mother of two was lip-synching "Circus" and the zipper on the dress she was shoe horned into broke. "I think she looks good," Aaron Rodgers said after the show.

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Britney Spears Seems To Be Really Enjoying Her Kid’s Soccer Game

No matter how much Photoshop and sequins the gays use to extend the sex appeal of one of their idols, we shouldn't really forget that Britney Spears is just a 31-year old, divorced mother of two, who a judge says is still too mentally defective to have the same rights as a normal adult human. So they probably put a Cheeto on a string to get her in the car then told her they were going to a special field where childen kick a ball to make it turn into a giant ice cream cone. Look, I don't know. Maybe they said bacon or something, but you get the general idea.

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Britney Spears’ Music Scares Somali Pirates

In addition to helping gay men get turned up at parades, Britney Spears' music is also an effective tool in making Somali pirates paddle their inflatable rafts away as fast as they can. Metro UK reports:

Spears’s chart-toppers Oops! I Did It Again and Baby One More Time have proved to be the most effective at keeping the bandits at bay. Second Officer Owens, who works on supertankers off the east coast of Africa, said: ‘Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most. ‘These guys can’t stand Western culture or music, making Britney’s hits perfect.’ Ships in the region are in constant danger from gun-toting pirates boarding and kidnapping crews for multi-million-pound ransoms. In 2011, there were 176 attacks on ships by gangs of bandits off the Horn of Africa. They are such a threat the Royal Navy has 1,500 sailors on 14 warships operating round-the-clock patrols in the area.Ms Owens, who regularly guides huge tankers through the waters, said the ship’s speakers can be aimed solely at the pirates so as not to disturb the crew. ‘It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns,’ said the 34-year-old, from Gartmore, near Aberfoyle, Stirling. ‘As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.’ Steven Jones, of the Security Association for the Maritime Industry, said: ‘Pirates will go to any lengths to avoid or try to overcome the music.’ He added: I’d imagine using Justin Bieber would be against the Geneva Convention.’

If they wanted to make Somali pirates shoot themselves in the face, they should have played some Katy Perry, but instead, they want to Somali pirates to bedazzle their AK-47s. They should just crop dust the Horn of Africa with weed smoke and printouts of these. "Bro, that ship is, like, way far away, man," a Somali pirate would later go on to say.

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