Bristol Palin Thinks Her Third Baby Was A Surprise God Gave Her

so excited!! link in bio

A photo posted by Bristol Meyer (@bsmp2) on

 

Bristol Palin is so excited for you to read link in bio. Here’s what you read when you click link in bio.

We are so excited about our expanding family!! Looking back many months ago, I would never have dreamed this is where I would be. Is this not proof God is full of good surprises, when you put your life in His hands? Dakota and I have been through trials in the public eye, and I am so thankful for where we are today. God brought us together. And then back together. Pretty miraculous.

I won’t really get into this, but like, imagine believing any of that was true. He came in you without protection. Not exactly sure how getting pregnant after that is a surprise.

Keeping with our unconventional life, it has been so much fun to keep this news just among our family and friends for the first half of our pregnancy; that Dakota knows the baby’s gender but the rest of us won’t until he or she is born; and even while pregnant with Sailor (under more unconventional circumstances) I always knew a third child someday would complete our family.

Unclear how Dakota knowing the sex of the baby when nobody else does is fun, but these people are from Alaska. This probably is fun to them. And apparently her second kid, Sailor, was in her womb “under more unconventional circumstances”. Yeah. That’s definitely one way to say it. Another way to say it is that Bristol’s legs are open longer than Waffle House while her vagina is supposed to believe in abstinence. You can see how that could end up being a “huge disappointment“.  And this third baby will complete your family? I thought it was God’s surprising you? Are you saying he’s done surprising you? He told you that? I’m confused. Does he know this? What did he say? Tell me his exact words. Are you saying if (“if” LOL)  you get pregnant again it won’t be a God surprise but another kind of surprise? I really need more info on this.

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Levi Johnston Won His Seven Year Custody Battle Against Bristol Palin
 

A photo posted by Bristol Palin (@bsmp2) on



When Christians preach family values and abstinence, it’s always because a child needs two parents in order to not become like a kid in Chicago or a refugee. Unless those two parents are gay then ewww not what they meant. But since human nature and archaic belief systems are no match for wanting to hit that pussy from behind raw af, abstinence doesn’t work. And when it doesn’t work, there’s more money in keeping the father from seeing his child and quoting Bible verses that question his manhood if the check doesn’t arrive on time. Man, religion has this thing on lock. That brings us to Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s first baby daddy whose semen somehow fertilized her egg despite fervent prayer. Let’s flashback, shall we?

In 2009, Levi announced that he was going to sue his high school sweetheart for joint custody of Tripp after alleging that the entire Palin family was making it difficult for him to see his son. The exes reached a child custody stipulation in 2010, allowing Levi to see Tripp on Saturdays between 9:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m., and Wednesdays from 12:00 p.m. to 6 p.m. The court never approved Levi and Bristol’s agreement, however, so it never became finalized. The case was dismissed in 2012 for lack of activity. Then, in 2013, Levi filed a petition in which he sought at least equal custody of Tripp.

Keep in mind Levi Johnston, a teenager,  paid $600 a month to Bristol Palin in order to his son 13 hours a week. I pay less than that for cable and I can see SportsCenter anytime I want. Now, after a 7-year legal battle against Bristol Palin (seen here capitalizing on her new child with vertical revenue stream) and her self-serving family, he had some news to share on Facebook yesterday.

I’m so happy to have my son in my life, and to put all of this back in forth in the courts behind me. It might have taken me 7 years and cost me around $100,000 in lawyer fees, spread out among 3 different lawyers, as well as a lot of patience, but it was all worth it. I’m happy now to be successfully co-parenting. Although I do owe some back child support, altogether I have paid $50,000 in child support for Tripp, which is $600 a month, since Tripp’s birth so at the end of the day I know I have worked hard to meet my obligations as a father. Despite what some have heard I’ve always been there for him, and I go to almost every school event that I can and spend all of my free time with my kids.

Much like Jesus would do, the Palins used Johnston as a prop in 2008 then proceeded to make his life a living hell when all he wanted to do was see his son. They’re currently doing the same thing to Bristol Palin’s second baby daddy even though all of this could have been avoided if they showed Bristol a video about how to properly apply a condom. But contraceptives are the Devil’s business. He roams the Earth like a roaring seeking to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Hopefully Bristol’s fifth baby daddy will have more disposable income so he can afford a better lawyer. 


Speaking of “wanting to hit that pussy from behind raw af”, here’s Demi Rose. Tell Liz Cameron I’ll be ready for her in like 20 minutes give or take. 


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Bristol Palin Is Mad About Something Again
Bristol Palin Is Mad About Something Again


When not getting accidentally pregnant or taking selfies, Bristol Palin likes to write on her blog about stuff that upsets her, like Obama. And science.  There’s nothing about her brother though. She’s probably just editing it. In the meantime, she’s mad at Tina Fey for clowning her mom on SNL. 

I may be biased, but I think my mom trumps her in the looks department. (Especially for having three more kids and seven more years on Tina!) Saturday Night Live and Fey have been clinging to this impersonation a little too long. It’s getting pathetic. Its been 7 years! Are they desperate for content?  Or just desperate for viewers?

I guess we can debate on who is more pathetic or desperate for viewers in this scenario, considering Bristol is just a last name away from being on Maury. Is that show still on? I hope it’s still on. It was great. Also, it seems Bristol thinks her mom is prettier than Tina Fey. I’m sure that would be true if nobody had ever heard Sarah Palin say words. Ponies are pretty but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to stick my dick in one. I’d have to get to know them first. What are their interests? What do they like to do for fun? Do they like their Indian food not to be really spicy? Stuff like that. It’s rare in our society for two people to get to know each other.



#tbt Rosie Jones. Prettier than everyone mentioned here including the ponies (NSFW):


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Track Palin Has Lots Of ‘Violent Outbreaks’
Track Palin Has Lots Of ‘Violent Outbreaks’


As you already know, I’m assuming (spoilers ahead), Track Palin was arrested Sunday night for domestic violence. And since Sarah Palin thinks Obama is so undercover Muslim that he likes gays and let’s his daughters drive, she blamed her son’s actions on Obama’s treatment of veterans without her word salad including the phrase “domestic violence” at all. And since veterans are used to politicians and some of your Facebook friends just talking about them in the abstract, they basically all got mad and came out and told Sarah Palin to go fuck herself. Which what Track Palin has done his whole life according to his friend.

According to an insider, Sarah‘s son has a history of aggressive “outbreaks” that worried his friends and family. “Track is a hothead,” an insider told Radar. “He has these outbreaks.” In one incident on a family vacation to Hawaii, the source said, “Track had fallen asleep at the hotel and we left to go for a walk on the beach. When he woke up, he snapped.” “When we got back to the hotel, it was total chaos, nearly a fist fight. Pretty violent. He was being verbally abusive.”

With anybody, if you want to figure why a kid or a 20 something is an asshole, look at their parents. Track Palin flips his shit when he doesn’t get his way. Bristol Palin probably calls other women sluts. The construct Sarah Palin built leaves them with no concept of reality. It’s sad. I mean, not for me. Somebody might find this sad I’m guessing.


I’ve had these pictures of Nina Dobrev uploaded since Tuesday. It’s now or never.


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Track Palin Seems Pretty Chill
Track Palin Seems Pretty Chill


Haha, I’m just pulling your leg, Track Palin is psychotic. As you probably already know, Track Palin was arrested and charged Monday with “domestic violence, interfering with a report of domestic violence, and possession of a weapon while intoxicated”. The news broke almost immediately after his mom Sarah Palin endorsed Trump for President. Obviously this is a liberal conspiracy probably cooked up on Hilary’s servers #Benghazi. If there’s a bright side to this story, it’s that Bristol Palin isn’t pregnant. Yes, this all pretty fucking funny. Sadly, the police report is not. 

Palin approached [Redacted] and struck her on the left side of her head near her eye with a closed fist. [Redacted] got on the ground in a fetal position because she didn’t know what else he would do. Palin then kicked [redacted] on the right knee. [Redacted]’s phone was sitting on the ground in front of her. Palin took her phone and threw it across the driveway. She retrieved the phone and went inside the house. Palin was already inside and holding onto a gun, yelling “do you think I’m a pussy?” and “do you think I won’t do it?” [Redacted] stated Palin “cocked the gun” and was holding the rifle out next to him with the his right hand near the trigger and his left hand near the barrel, with the barrel just away from his face pointed to the side. [Redacted] was concerned that he would shoot himself and ran outside and around the house. She didn’t see where Palin went, so she went inside and up the stairs, where she hid under a bed.

You can read the disturbing  full report here if you want, but long story short, Track Palin got drunk, punched his girlfriend, kicked her while she was on the ground, threw her phone so she couldn’t call for help, walked around with an AR-15 threatening to kill himself, then when the cops showed up he was a belligerent asshole. There’s nothing about this on Breitbart yet, so I guess they probably just haven’t heard about it. But I assume, like most conservative outlets attempting to find a way to spend this, they’ll wash it away with “Track Palin has PTSD” (I’ll let Bristol Palin’s thirdsecond baby daddy, the 2009 Medal Of Honor recipient explain why that argument is full of shit).  All that said, the Palins’ are trash. Not really sure how else to say it. They want you to think that if Jesus, a gun, or a corporate subsidy won’t fix it, just call it a libtard or you can buy their book that will show you how. Sarah Palin was elected Governor in a state with the highest suicide rate in the country. It’s not like the voters gave a shit. At least 20 probably voted for Squidward. What has their brand of “Family Values” given us so far? Beating women, covering up Bristol’s first teen pregnancy, forcing Levi Johnson to pretend he was gonna marry Bristol to explain her second teen pregnancy, drunken brawls at birthday parties, saying “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere but keeping the money anyway, firing a state official after he wouldn’t fire her ex-brother in law, and pretty much every profoundly dumb thing these idiots have ever said. I think the only normal one is Trig and he has Down Syndrome. And I guess maybe Willow. I hear she cuts hair. 

 

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Bristol Palin Might Have Lied About Her Pregnancy
 

My sweet Sailor Grace was born yesterday, our family couldn’t be more complete

A photo posted by Bristol Palin (@bsmp2) on



Last time he heard from Bristol Palin, she gave birth to her disappointing miracle on December 23rd. OR DID SHE?! Ok, so here’s the deal: Bristol apparently had the kid on 11/4/2015. Apparently it was the result of a one night stand in Vegas on Valentine’s Day (here’s the selfie. The caption was changed from “The night before the worst mistake of my life.” to “#vegas”). Three months later, Bristol was “blindsided” by her engagement to Dakota Meyer being called off. And according to Sarah Palin’s last kid’s Bristol’s first kid’s (Tripp) stepmom, this pic of Tripp supposedly holding Sailor on Christmas Eve was apparently taken weeks before since Tripp was with his dad on Christmas. You can read the whole, detailed story over here (via ONTD). TL;DR Bristol Palin is incapable of passing up a raw dog, and her parents will do anything to make sure she’s seen as a innocent, persecuted Christian who Satan repeatedly makes dicks appear in her vagina. 

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Bristol Palin Is Mad Ahmed Got A White House Invite
Bristol Palin Is Mad Ahmed Got A White House Invite


“Who wants to get me pregnant?”


Ninth-grader Ahmed Mohamed was arrested in Irving, TX earlier this week, not because he built a clock, he was arrested because for the first time in recorded history, white people now live in constant fear that they may be eradicated from the face of the planet. Sucks, doesn’t it? We feel ya. Maybe in 200 years you’ll get your own holiday or even your own month.  How cool would that be? Stay positive. Anyway, at one time, before Moses became a Founding Father, America prided itself on engineering and scientific innovation, so to encourage that again, Obama invited Mohamed to the White House. Bristol Palin dropped out of community college and has two kids from two different fathers to raise by herself, but still manages to be a Republican. So you can see why she would be mad at this. And when white people get angry, they either shoot up a movie theater or write a blog post. Bristol wrote a blog post. I will now proceed to translate it for you.

(more…)

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Bristol Palin Has No Irony

Bristol Palin (see here holding a scale model of her vagina), posted yet another blog post, and this time she has a message for all you haters who have shit to say about her being pregnant twice out of wedlock despite preaching abstinence. Fundamentalism breeds a lot of unwanted kids, turns out it doesn’t breed any irony.

This is still how much I care about anything negative … #prolife ❤️ God is good, happy Friday!!

Yes, we know you don’t care about anything negative. Especially pregnancy tests. Anyway, despite saying “I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one” and “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you”, she is now claiming that….wait for it….the pregnancy was PLANNED. Why? Wait for it again.

I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy assholes have loved to assume. This pregnancy was actually planned. Everyone knows I wanted more kids, to have a bigger family.  Believing I was heading that way, I got ahead of myself.

Bitch, shut up. Just shut up. Is the baby a mistake or was it planned? Or was the mistake your fiance finding out before your plan was finished? Please go to grocery a buy a bunch of bananas and a pack of condoms, because I don’t think any of us would feel safe with these two and the rest of your bastards at Castle Black.

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Bristol Palin Has Two Baby Daddies Now

A month after calling off her engagement, Bristol Palin is now pregnant with her second child because abstinence and Christian values are less effective than condoms. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say God isn’t the father, and it’s fairly obvious that the second dude she was gonna marry isn’t the father (it’s probably Mark Ballas) , because other than being sanctimonious and self-righteous, Bristol Palin’s favorite hobby is raw dog. She announced the “big news” in a blog post last night, but you’re gonna have to squint your eyes really hard to see the whole all life is precious thing.

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!) I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. Life moves on no matter what.  So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher. I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy. My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.

Bristol Palin doesn’t want lectures, but she was paid $30K per appearance to give lectures about the dangers of letting dudes blow inside you before you’re married, so let’s just take a moment to think about that. Okay, that moment has passed. She also seems pretty bummed about being pregnant. That’s sad. Man, if there was only a legal procedure available that she could undergo to cheer her and her family and friends up. Or a place she could go that passes out free condoms or birth control, because like George Carlin said, not every ejaculation deserves a name. Also, it’s good to remember that when she was writing this post attacking Miley Cyrus for pointing out the hypocrisy of Christians, her caps lock didn’t see the irony of writing it while secretly pregnant by a second baby daddy out of wedlock. She’ll call it God’s plan or whatever, but in reality she’s just doing what she wants to do like the rest of us, but gets to wrap herself in the nobility of the victim because she somehow thinks she’s morally superior. I hope she does keep her chin up. That’s probably my best advice to her. Since she won’t buy condoms, having the next guy jack off on her tits might help. And keeping her chin is up is probably the best way to keep it out of her eyes.

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Bristol Palin Hates Miley Cyrus Now

Bristol Palin, 24, was pregnant at 16, engaged twice, and routinely wears mixed fibers (Leviticus 19:19) and husses herself up with makeup and jewelry like a worldly harlot (1 Tim 2:9). She also danced lustfully with a man who was not her husband on DWTS. But in new blog post, she wants to remind you who the true hypocrite is: Miley Cyrus, who recently briefly mentioned Christians in her interview with Paper Magazine with caused Bristol’s Persecution Phone to ring.

Cyrus, 22, told Paper that she is the least judgmental person ever, saying, “As long as you’re not hurting anyone, your choices are your choices.” But she did have some harsh words for Christian lawmakers who want to stifle social change. “Those people [shouldn’t] get to make our laws,” she said. She also called literal readings of Bible stories like Noah’s Ark “fucking insane” and labeled her parents, of whom she is fond, as “conservative-ass motherfuckers.”

Pretty straightforward. Since Bristol is a Christian, you’d assume she just forgive Miley then go volunteer at a homeless shelter or adopt a baby born with AIDS lol no I meant she sat down in her condo paid for by Candie’s Foundation and wrote an angry blog post.

Is it just me or does it seem more than a little fake that someone claiming to be accepting of everyone and everything would spew such  judgment towards her own parents and their deeply held religious beliefs? She wants everyone else to let her be “free to be Miley,” but seems unwilling to offer the same respect to her parents and those who wish to live out their Christian faith. Oh, Miley.  Thanks for giving us the best example of what “tolerance” looks like in Hollywood: it looks a lot like contempt.

Passive aggressive? Check. Sanctimonious? Check. Self-righteous? Check? Christian persecution truther? Check. Cherry picked passages from a publication to focus on while neglecting the others? Check. Bristol has this Christian thing down. I understand that reality wasn’t built for everyone, but Miley Cyrus wants everyone to be naked and smoke weed, but Miley Cyrus isn’t actively working for a lobbying group to pass laws that say people who don’t get naked and smoke weed can’t get married. See the difference here? No? I’m sorry. You do have some interesting viewpoints though. Tell me again about that dude who lived three days inside a whale.

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