Well Played, Brian Austin Green

Megan Fox kinda let everybody know who her baby daddy was last week, and it’s Brian Austin Green. Brian Austin Green. He gets to blow in Megan Fox and cash an alimony check. We probably shouldn’t make fun of him anymore. He’s smart enough to know that taking a hormonal and hungry pregnant lady to the farmer’s market is always a good choice. Her ass and boobs look to be twice their normal size. Maybe we should start considering making Brian Austin Green Day a federally recognized holiday. 

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Brian Austin Green Officially Wants Megan Fox’s Money

Just go ahead and stay that way, Megan.

Brian Austin Green just put it in writing … he’s asking soon-to-be ex-wife Megan Fox for spousal support. In the docs filed Tuesday, Green checks the box for spousal support … a move we saw coming….Megan is still working on big time movies and has a steady income. As we’ve reported this break-up is as amicable as can be — Brian and Megan are still living under the same roof and co-parenting their sons.

Megan Fox and this dude split last month, and now she has to write a check because he falls down on the way to auditions sometimes. I just read about vertigo on WebMD. Sounds made up. I would’ve said something cool like greyscale.

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Megan Fox Is Single

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are divorcing after 11 years together. Prayer works, kids.

After 11 years together, five of them as a married couple, “Megan has separated from Brian,” an insider reveals exclusively in the new issue of Us Weekly. “They decided on it six months ago.”

(more…)

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Megan Fox Had Her Baby Three Weeks Ago



You all probably forgot that a person named Megan Fox existed, and more importantly, you probably forgot she was pregnant with the wigger from Beverly Hills 90210‘s baby. I guess she knew that because she announced on Facebook that she had the baby on September 27th. Why wasn’t I called?

We have been very lucky to have had a peaceful few weeks at home, but I would like to release this myself before others do. I gave birth to our son Noah Shannon Green on September 27th. He is healthy, happy, and perfect. We are humbled to have the opportunity to call ourselves the parents of this beautiful soul and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to know this kind of boundless, immaculate love. Thanks to those of you who wish to send your positive energy and well wishes. May God bless you and your families abundantly

“Noah Green” sounds like he’ll grow up one day to own a diamond exchange or accounting firm, but let me be the millionth to congratulate Megan Fox on being a MILF. Hopefully she borrowed some cocoa butter from Kim Kardashian. Because stretch marks, ewww.

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Awww, How Sweet



Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox celebrated their 1-year wedding anniversary this month, and as you can see, they look pretty happy. Happy in the fact that he gets to bang that every night and she gets to still play out her still unresolved daddy issues with the guy she fell in love with from the foldout in Tiger Beat. My seething hate for this dude is confusing me today because I have the same shirt and shoes. (*Taps index fingers together and spins around in desk chair*) Interesting. So, my mortal enemy and I have things in common. Maybe the universe wants me to see him as a reflection of myself and to learn that we are all just humans beings on this planet who want the same things out of life. Man, I really feel like I’m growing as a person.

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Megan Fox: “Brian And I Were On A Break”

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On Tuesday, it was revealed that Shia LaBeouf hooked up (fucked) Megan Fox on the set of Transformers. Many people had strong reactions. Mostly that Shia was lying because Megan Fox was dating her future husband Brian Austin Green at the time. But it was all good, brah. They were on a break. Us Magazine reports:

Yes, Megan and Shia hooked up,” a set source confirms to Us Weekly. In his Details chat, LaBeouf, 25, sputtered when asked if Fox was then involved with her now-husband Brian Austin Green during their tryst (he repeated “I don’t know” 12 times). But the kissing costars are in the clear, the source says. “It was when Megan and Brian broke up,” the source explains. “They had a 10-month break before getting back together.” (Indeed, Fox and Green, 36, did have a break of nearly a year before reuniting and eventually tying the knot in June 2010.) “[Shia and Megan] bonded while filming,” the source explains of the epic shoot, which was worsened by director Michael Bay’s rumored temper. “Believe me, that was an unhappy set. I think they were drawn together because it was so ugly working on that film.”

I assume by “break” she means she was blowing Shia in his trailer and Brian Austin Green was at home crying into her panties then masturbating to be able to fall asleep. Then he might have kneeled in his front yard and cursed God. Then tortured a neighborhood animal. Then asked an old lady what she was looking at and to mind her own business. Then threw an empty bottle of scotch toward a mom in a minivan. Then screamed at a little girl riding by on a tricycle that she would grow up to be a whore because all women are whores especially Megan because he bets she’s naked right now because that’s what whores do because they’re whores and they can’t help themselves. Or something like that. I’m not familiar with the process really.

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Brian Austin Green Must Die



Stills from Megan Fox’s new ad for Armani hit online today, and just wondering, does anybody know how much a sentient cyborg werewolf who hunts wiggers costs? Why? Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for a friend.

Maybe Westboro Bapist Church will protest it:

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I’m Focusing On My Breathing



The happiest penis on Earth went to the happiest place on Earth for Thanksgiving and managed to take a picture which perfectly captured my sadness and clinical depression. Fine, be happy! See if I care!

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Megan Fox Is Having A Nice Honeymoon
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As these pictures suggest, Megan Fox is enjoying newlywed life in Hawaii. It’s time like this that we should all value this level of commitment and the bond of true love. Maybe one day I can pull Brian Austen Green aside and talk to him about this. I may also bring my Kershaw Outcast Ken Onion Designed Fixed Blade Knife and remind him that the aorta runs the entire length of the torso. You know, if that happens to come up in the conversation. Which it will. DIE! DIE! DIE!

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