Bret Michaels Is Suing

Remember that brain hemorrhage? Bret Michaels thinks it’s from this, and he’s mad. TMZ says:

Michaels has filed a lawsuit against Tony Award Productions, CBS and others … blaming producers for not instructing him on how to safely exit the stage after his performance was over … because while he tried to exit, he was “smacked” in the face by a piece of the set.

In the suit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, Michaels claims he had to be hospitalized for a broken nose and a cut lip.

Six months after the awards, Bret nearly died from a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage — and the rocker insists it was NO coincidence.

In his suit, Michaels claims, “One of the most common causes of this type of hemorrhage is head trauma — exactly like the one Michaels suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards.”

Michaels notes, “Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, [he] was able to survive this trauma.”

Bret says producers have “failed and refused” to remedy the situation … and even blamed him for the mishap at the Tony Awards, claiming he “missed his mark.”

Michaels is suing for unspecified damages. A rep for the Tonys had no comment.

Bret Michaels is suing the producers of the Tony Awards because he’s awkward, fumbling, and never learned how to duck. Does this mean I can get damages for when I got it in my eye once? Yeah, I probably could’ve moved, but he never warned me. You know what that does to contact lenses?

Image from WENN.

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Miley Cyrus’ Mom Had Sex With Bret Michaels

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On October 27, it was announced that Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus were divorcing after 17 years of marriage. This came as a shock to most people, you know, most people except Bret Michaels’ penis. Us Weekly reports:

The reason Miley Cyrus’ parents are splitting after 17 years of marriage: Mom Tish had an affair with rocker Bret Michaels, reports the new Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday). When Billy Ray learned of it – as well as at least one other fling – he filed for divorce Oct. 27, sources tell Us Weekly. Michaels, 47, “became close to the entire family” this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet “Nothing to Lose,” an insider tells Us Weekly. He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance, sources tell Us Weekly. Tish was seen at Michaels’ Feb. 28 show at the Key Club in L.A., and he had once asked her production company‚Äôs help to adapt his book, Roses & Thorns, into a movie. “Billy Ray was completely unaware of what was going on,” the source says of the “Achy Breaky Heart” crooner, who is seeking joint custody of their three minor children, Miley (who turns 18 Nov. 23), Braison, 16, and Noah, 10. (They have three older children from previous relationships.) Though a rep for Michaels refutes the allegations, telling Us Weekly, “There has never been an affair or a fling,” and a rep for Tish also denies the dalliance, the Cyrus source insists, “It was a professional relationship that turned into something more.”

If I was married to Billy Ray Cyrus for 17 years, I would have killed myself by now, but I’m not understanding how a vagina can get wet for a dude in a bandanna who might have a brain hemorrhage or a stroke if he hears a loud noise. Unless she’s always wanted to get fucked on top of a crash cart, I don’t see how this is an upgrade.

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As the banner pic suggests, Bret Michaels‘ head was successfully transplanted on the first clone of Brandon Lee’s exhumed body. Is Billboard some kind of medical journal? I wish somebody would tell me, because I hope these four holes in my stomach aren’t just sealed with dermabond and prayer. Jesus and I really haven’t been on speaking terms since that one thing. Hell no, I’m not drinking your blood, dude. What am I, some gay vampire? I’m not gonna lie, that’s just gross, Jesus.

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Bret Michaels Is Replacing Simon Cowell

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I guess being in a shitty band and having brain damage are pretty good qualities in a American Idol judge. Contacting Music reports:

The ailing rocker, who is still recovering from a near-fatal brain haemorrhage and a recent stroke, was an instant hit with fans, who gave him a standing ovation as he walked out to sing a rendition of Poison’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn. And Cowell was left so impressed he’s considering handing him his judging seat now that the Brit has quit the show after nine years on the panel. He says, “Actually, he’d be good. He’s funny. He’s got experience. He’d be a good choice – and you saw the audience reaction to him. They love him.”
And Michaels is hopeful he will be handed the job: “I’m sorry he (Cowell) has to go but sometimes things happen. Provided my health holds up, I think I’m taking that chair next year!”

I don’t know how being an expert in bandanas and the proper way to sanitize stripper poles has to do with karaoke, but hey, I wish him luck. He got the pity vote on Celebrity Apprentice, now he’s set to replace the best judge of talent on television. Almost dying is the best thing that ever to a person since Jesus. Maybe if he shoots himself in the face he can get a Grammy. Go for it, Bret!

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C.C. Pick Up That IV And Talk To Me

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Poison frontman and truck stop strip club VIP, Bret Michaels, remains in critical condition. Maybe people should know this, because there have been rumors that he is dead.

Bret Michaels continues to remain in critical condition after suffering a brain hemorrhage last Thursday, his rep tells “There’s a rumor out there that Bret passed,” says the rep. “It isn’t true.”

The fact that he hasn’t died would be really good news for him if knew he was alive, but doctors will celebrate for him. USA Today reports:

Joseph Broderick, chairman of the University of Cincinnati Neurology Department, tells MTV doctors should have a better sense of Michaels’ chance of recovery over the next two weeks or so. “Patients typically die within the first couple of days or a week from this kind of stroke,” he said. And Good Morning America reports that in patients who have suffered a similar stroke, “a quarter die in the first week; half die in the first six months.” Arno Fried, chairman of Neurosurgery at Hackensack University Medical Center in Hackensack, N.J. says, “I would describe (Michaels’ condition) as guarded. If the bleed has not caused too much damage, the possibility of recovery is quite good.”

Well, that’s good news. There’s a good chance he might live. The only real negative is that the next season of Rock Of Love might have to add feeding tubes to their production budget.

Note: C.C. DeVille walked into the bar across the street from my apartment a few months ago, and every hot chick in the place was all over him like he was giving away Prada bags filled with orgasms. So, this post is in no way meant to offend C.C. By the way, the original title of this post was “Unresponsive Bop”, but I felt that was in bad taste.

IDLYITW’s long distance dedication to Bret Michaels. Get well soon, man. Or don’t. Whatevs:

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Every Rose Has Its Exploratory Brain Surgery

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Blah blah blah Bret Michaels suffered a massive hemorrhage near his brain stem on Thursday, and as of right now, he’s still in ICU. Apparently the STD’s are really working their magic. TMZ reports:

Bret Michaels remains in critical condition at an undisclosed location, this according to a statement released today on the rocker’s Facebook page. Michael was rushed to the hospital late Thursday night after suffering a massive hemorrhage near his brain stem. A statement on his FB says, “We are hopeful that further tests will locate the source of the bleeding, which has still not been located. As we all know Bret is a fighter and we are hopeful that once all is complete the slurred speech, blurred vision and dizziness, etc. will be eliminated and all functions will return to normal.”

Whatever. I’m not saying Bret Michaels dying would be a good thing, but if he did, that’s one less shitty song he can write and one less dayshift stripper he can tease with the promise of love. Wait, I guess it would be a good thing. I mean, seriously, look at the banner picture. He looks like Jack Sparrow if Jack Sparrow pirated the seas to pay for his anal bleaching and brow lifts. If he died today, the day would be forever known as “April 26th”.

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Bret Michaels Taken Out By Stage Equipment
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Here’s a video of Bret Michaels, singer from Poison and humper of herpes-afflicted sluts, getting bonked on the head by some stage equipment being lowered from the ceiling while performing at the Tony Awards. That was the best thing I’ve seen today. I started out today as a cranky bitch, and thanks to Bret Michaels, I’m now a chipper bitch.

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Comcast Broadcasts Super-Porn

I was obviously watching the wrong cable provider for the Superbowl if I missed this:

Super Bowl fans in Tucson, Ariz. were subjected to 30 seconds of hard core porn — wang and all — when somehow, the game feed was suddenly interrupted by a clip from an adult television channel.

Comcast — the cable company in Tucson — is working on an explanation, but right now it appears the porn break in only occurred in its standard-definition feed reaching analog TV sets.

Comcast has since issued a statement, saying: “We are mortified by last evening’s Super Bowl interruption, and deeply apologize to our customers for the inappropriate programming. We are aggressively investigating the situation including the possibility of foul play.”

Unfortunately, I can’t find the actual wang shot referenced, but I do have pictures from the Playboy Superbowl party, complete with Bret Michaels and body-painted womens. That’s almost as good as 30 seconds of porn.

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De Link Hoya

Jenna Jameson is scaring me [Dlisted]
Cheryl Tweedy has nipples [Hollywood Tuna]
The Pope does NYC [City Rag]
Lindsay Lohan can’t act [Hollywood Rag]
Brad Pitt has cheap undies [Just Jared]
Heather Graham gets her hot ass grabbed (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Jennifer Aniston is still boring and blurry [ASL]
This Natalie Portman sideshow is probably for Kutcher [Popsugar]
Katherine Heigl is still boring [Egotastic]
Sienna Miller topless, in case you missed it … again (NSFW) [Taxi Driver Movie]

Here’s that beast Daisy De La Hoya from Rock of Love 2:

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Jes Isn’t Rocking Bret’s Love

In this day and age, it’s truly hard to find love. That’s why I really had my hopes up when VH1 decided to throw a 44 year old guy in a hair band in a room full of strippers and star-fuckers to see where their hearts led them. Oh well. Page Six reports:

Bret Michaels never even got started with the “girlfriend” he selected last season, Jes Rickleff. Sources tell The Post’s Melissa Jane Kronfeld that Michaels was informed by the pink-haired punk rocker over the phone that she had taken up with a Chicago clothing designer upon returning home to the windy city. VH1 has renewed “Rock of Love” for a second season, but has not announced if Michaels will be its heartthrob.”

This comes as a real shock man, because everybody knows reality shows are not known for being faked or staged. Every reality show except for Man vs. Wild. That guy doesn’t even try. I saw an episode one time where he said he was in Africa, then they pulled the camera back you could see cars and a house made out of bricks. You’re not fooling me, sir.

Here’s classy Rock of Love contestant, Brandi C. These are NSFW:

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