Brandon Davis Is Not Dead

Last week, there was a gas station explosion in Vegas, and the person killed was named Brandon Davis. No, not this Brandon Davis, but that’s what Perez and TMZ reported. According to the Long Island Press:

So: Brandon Davis, the 31-year-old grandson of Marvin Davis, heir to a boatload of money, former dater of Mischa Barton and the guy who deftly referred to Lindsay Lohan as a “firecrotch,” (can’t say the guy was wrong there) is not dead. Brandon Davis, the 26-year-old resident of Las Vegas who we really don’t know anything about, is dead. Both and Perez Hilton reported the Hollywood socialite Davis was the one killed in a gas station explosion in Vegas last week. This is one of those rare instances TMZ is wrong and one of those daily instances Perez Hilton is wrong.

Damn. I don’t know anything about the Brandon Davis that was killed, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he was a more productive and useful member of society than the “Hollywood socialite”. He could have been a crack-smoking welfare recipient with a fondness for elder abuse and scalping kittens, but I’d still say he deserved it less than Greasy McFlopsweat up there. Stick him on the kitchen counter and he doubles as a Presto FryDaddy. Oh wait! I think we’ve found his purpose.

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Brandon Davis is an Excellent Driver

Brandon Davis crashed into Pink’s car after he left some trendy bullshit L.A. circle jerk this weekend. See, this is what happens when you drink those fruity drinks with umbrellas. You dress in really gay clothes and stick things up your ass. Next time go for a couple shots of Jack instead and skip the hat, Brandy.

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Miranda Kerr is Dead to Me

Several online reports are claiming that Victoria’s Secret model, Miranda Kerr, and Orlando Bloom have split. The reason for the split is that Kerr has been seen all over town with…oh God I can’t even say it….Brandon…I think I’m gonna be sick….InTouch says:

…she has rebounded into the arms of her former flame, oil heir Brandon Davis. The Victoria’s Secret model and Brandon were first seen together shopping on LA’s Robertson Boulevard last November but at the time they both insisted they were just pals. On July 12, Brandon, who recently split from Australian model Cheyenne Tozzi, and Miranda’s friendship took a romantic turn – they were spotted canoodling at two clubs in NYC. Brandon, 27, and Miranda were “full on making out” says a witness at 1Oak. The pair was also spotted kissing at Beatrice Inn later that night. “They didn’t seem to care who saw,” the witness reveals.”

No matter how much satin and velvet I used to make this jewelery box for Miranda Kerr, there comes a point where I have to realize that she’s a model. And like all models, she’s gonna prance in her underwear for a while then marry a millionaire douchebag and spend the rest of her life on a yacht in the South of France being hand fed penguin sushi by a Jamaican steward named Remy. Fine, if that’s what she wants. When she’s ready, she knows where to find my preferred customer table at Applebee’s.

Miranda and Orlando a few months ago:

Photos: Splash

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