Blue Ivy Carter Has Six Nannies And A Sapphire-Encrusted Bottle

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Other than sounding like a really good strand of weed and crying on a Jay-Z track, Blue Ivy Carter hasn’t really accomplished that much. Hopefully one day she can get kids to sell crack for her like her dad or take other people’s songs then pay them off to shut the hell up about it like her mom. But until then, she’s just an average kid. Oh, wait. inTouch Weekly reports:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.” A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

Six nannies and a bullet-proof delivery room? Is Blue Ivy one of the X-Men? Is some sort of bio-engineered human weapon for the government to fight the war on terror? No? Oh then she’s just a fucking baby? I see.

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So, We’re Really Doing This Now? Ok.

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“Stop looking at my dick, guys.”

In case you haven’t heard (LOL!), Jay-Z and Beyonce and their surrogate had a baby, Blue Ivy Carter, five days ago, and almost immediately Jay-Z released a song called Glory featuring B.I.C.. Of course, “B.I.C” is a writing pen “Blue Ivy Carter”, making her the youngest person ever credited with being on the Billboard chart. And apparently that’s some sort of big deal I guess because Jay-Z held out a tape recorder while the kid was coming out. Man, how impressive! I bet she’s gonna grow up to be a huge star with grace and humility and not at all be an entitled cunt. Billboard reports:

If you guessed that Baby Carter would grow up to be a star because of her ubiquitous, famous parents, you were probably right. If you anticipated her first song being released in her tweens, a la Willow Smith, you were dead wrong. Try within hours of her birth. Blue Ivy Carter, the bundle of joy brought into the world by megastar Beyoncé (with a little help from fellow famous dad Jay-Z) Saturday (Jan. 7), becomes the youngest person ever credited with gracing a Billboard chart, as Jay-Z’s newly-recorded studio cut “Glory” — officially billed as “featuring B.I.C.,” an abbreviation of Blue Ivy Carter — begins on R&B/Hip-Hop Songs at No. 74. (For historical purposes, this week’s Billboard charts are dated Jan. 21). Blue Ivy Carter/B.I.C. also benefits from the era in which she born. Technology today allows an advantage in that Jay-Z was able to record and release “Glory” less than 48 after her birth. After almost 72 years of numbers, positions, peaks, lows, gains and debuts — the first national Billboard chart was published the week of July 27, 1940 — the little princess born to the reigning king and queen of R&B/hip-hop breaks the mold almost concurrently with her arrival into Beyonce’s anticipating, loving arms.

I won’t even go into how “Blue Ivy” sounds like a Febreeze candle scent or a strand of weed, but can we get off this baby’s dick? Look, I understand the whole proud parent thing, but was this kid found by the Pharaoh’s daughter on the river bank? No. Two famous people happened to fuck and they had a kid. That’s it. She’s a baby, let her be a baby. Let’s try not to overthink this. Jay-Z already has a 9-year old kid he threw $1M at to go away, so hopefully he doesn’t grow up with the lyrics of this song seared into his brain. Toddlers riding solid gold rocking horses are pretty easy to find with a rifle scope I would imagine.

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