Kelly Brook and Billy Zane are Back Together



Despite breaking up with him and calling off their engagement last month, Kelly Brook is reportedly now back with Billy Zane. Brook allegedly left her vacation in Cornwall and told a friend that “he’s the one,” after Zane begged to be taken back. Damn you, Billy Zane. Damn you to hell! The Sun says:

…they spent the night together at a posh West London hotel after Billy persuaded her to give their four-year love another chance. The actor, 42, had earlier cycled to buy chocs and roses after jetting in from a film set in South Africa. Kelly, 28, flew in from Newquay, Cornwall – where pals were helping her get over the break-up. The couple spent hours talking through problems at the hotel, then had dinner at a Thai restaurant. A diner said: “Kelly was giggling and looked very happy. She kept touching his arm.”

Man, chocolates and roses? That was it? I’m confused. This article doesn’t seem to mention anything about voodoo or sacrified virgins to Zuul. Did I miss that?

One of these is NSFW:

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Kelly Brook and Billy Zane Broke Up



For four years mankind has struggled to understand how Billy Zane managed to convince Kelly Brook to bang him. It appears the roofies have finally worn off. The Sun reports:

Kelly, 28, has been thinking over her life since dad Ken died last November – and decided she was too young to wed 42-year-old Billy…A source said: “After much soul-searching, Kelly decided that Billy is not the man she wants to marry and has called off the engagement. “The split is completely amicable and the decision was made after long conversations here and in the US. They remain good friends.”…A pal of the actor said: “He was concerned that Kelly was reluctant to name a day for the wedding, but understood she was having a hard time. “Things haven’t been the same for a while but he never suspected they were going to split up for good. “Nobody else is involved, but letting Kelly slip through his fingers is hurting him badly.”

I’m not gonna lie, God could tell me that in five minutes Jesus is going to ride down on a rainbow with a great battle ax on a giant cyborg horse with lasers for eyes to kill the wicked and when all the wicked have been cleansed from the Earth, Jesus would take me up on a cloud and give me a basket of genie lamps and next week’s winning powerball numbers, and that would still be the second best news I’ve heard today.

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Kelly Brook Wears a Thong




Seeing Kelly Brook in jeans with her thong hanging out is like seeing a regular chick in a suit of armor. That’s about as covered up as she’s gonna get. Which is good because Kelly Brook’s body was made to be naked at all times. I hear that in England if you see her walking down the street you can legally start masturbating.

Classic Kelly Brook because it’s Friday:

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Kelly Brook is Really Happy



I have no idea what just went on inside Nobu, but it must’ve been the greatest thing ever because Kelly Brook looks like she’s about to explode from sheer happiness. To tell you the truth, these pictures could’ve been Kelly Brook stabbing a cop and I still would’ve posted them because she is so fucking hot. Billy Zane’s mind control seems to be irreversible, so if I’m ever going to have sex with her, I may have to do it with him in the room. I don’t know if it’s worth it or not, but my penis thinks I’m being to selfish. “There’s no ‘I’ in threesome,” he says. He’s pretty wise.

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Kelly Brook is For Memorial Day



Memorial Day is a time for reflection and remembrance – a time to honor the American men and women who have sacrificed their lives for the freedoms we now enjoy. And what better way to honor them by posting pictures from Kelly Brook’s 2008 bikini calendar photoshoot. Yeah, she’s British, but isn’t that what the Allied Forces were fighting for? Making sure chicks with huge racks could prance around in bikinis. My penis says he’d like to think so. God bless America!

A few of these are probably NSFW:

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Billy Zane Has Talent


Hollywood legend and international superstar, Billy Zane, unveiled his new film, Fishtales, at Cannes this year. It’s the story of a mermaid (Kelly Brook) who befriends a little girl, and critics the world over are singular in their praise. The Daily Mail reports:

Critics viewing the couple’s film Fishtales were said to have laughed out loud at how bad the film was, and more than half walked out before the end…one reviewer said: “It was the worst thing I’ve seen this year, possibly ever. I stayed as long as I could without crying with boredom. We followed the crowds and snuck out the door. But I felt guilty when I saw Amber Savva – the girl who play’s Billy’s daughter – waiting in the wings. At least she’s got time to learn the others should have known better.”…The laughter continued in the post-screening press conference when a journalist asked actor Zane if he would consider trying a new baldness treatment!”

People always stop me and say that Billy Zane looks like a young Marlon Brando, but I tell those people they are thinking about the Billy Zane from 40 years ago. The Billy Zane now is bald and fat and has the acting range of a totem pole. So, it’s no surprise that scientists are still trying to determine how Billy managed to talk Kelly Brook into leaving Jason Stratham for him. Their theories so far? Sorcery and chloroform.

Kelly Brook and Billy Zane in Cannes:

Kelly Brook without Billy Zane in lingerie:

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