Billy Ray Cyrus Is A Great Dad


I was gonna say something about these dumbass hillbillies and their decades long reign of dance terror being the fall of civilization as we know it, but Syria seems to be the leading vote getter this week. Let’s just all pray that Assad doesn’t know what twerking is.

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Billy Ray Cyrus Is Ok With This

While the rest of the world was projectile vomiting at their screen during Miley Cyrus' performance during the MTV VMAs where we saw what having high self-esteem, no ass, and a tongue coach can trick people into thinking their sexy, Billy Ray Cyrus was writing and rewriting this statement he gave to ET.

"Of course I'll always be here for Miley. Can't wait to see her when she gets home," Billy Ray told ET's Nancy O'Dell exclusively. "She's still my little girl and I'm still her Dad regardless how this circus we call show business plays out. I love her unconditionally and that will never change."

Translation: "Bro, I wore acid washed skinny jeans and had a mullet like 20 years ago when I invented the white Electric Slide. I gotta ride this thing out, man. My son looks like Kat Von Disappointment, so I need somebody to pay the mortgage. And this pays better than her getting a job at a black strip club. She'd probably have to work during the day there anyway, and that's when most of the banks are open."

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Miley Cyrus’ Parents Are Getting Divorced
Miley Cyrus’ Parents Are Getting Divorced

 

As you can see, being the only white lesbian member on the Twerk Team causes your father to disown you and cut off all communication, and apparently it causes your parents to get divorced. TMZ reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus is getting divorced … TMZ has learned. Billy Ray's wife, Tish Cyrus, is citing "irreconcilable differences" in her filing.  Her decision to pull the plug on the marriage comes 3 years after Billy Ray filed for divorce but dropped it in an attempt to work things out. Billy Ray and Tish have been married for 19 years and have 5 children, including, of course, Miley.  There's only one minor child left, Noah Cyrus, who is 13.  Tish is asking for full physical and legal custody, with visitation to Billy Ray. Tish is also asking for spousal support, and she wants him to pay her attorney's fees.  The date of separation is listed as TBD.

As you can tell from the blockquote, Tish seems like a very reasonable and accomodating person who only wants the best for her children and to remain civil with the man she was married to for 19 years. Hahaha jk I meant scrawled "ALL HIS MONEY AND KIDS BELONG TO ME" on one of Billy Ray's hundred dollar bills and gave it to her lawyer.

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Billy Ray Cyrus Called Off The Divorce



Billy Ray Cyrus apparently has a change of heart about Bret Michaels’ penis being inside his wife of 17 years. He no longer wants to divorce her. Us Magazine reports:

Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray, 49, has nixed proceedings to end his 17-year marriage with wife, Tish. On March 11, Cyrus’ lawyer Robert L. Jackson filed a “voluntarily dismissal and non-suit,” a clerk for the Williamson County Chancery Court in Tennessee tells UsMagaine.com. Judge James Martin entered the judgment and signed the order to dismiss the divorce that day. “I’ve dropped the divorce,” Billy Ray said on an episode of The View airing Friday. “I want to put my family back together — Things are the best they’ve ever been.”

I’m not going to lie, I think it’s pretty admirable that he can put his feelings of betrayal aside to keep his family intact. It kinda makes me have the closest thing to respect that he’ll ever get from me. But to reiterate, his wife banged a dude who wears a bandanna and has blood on his brain. If her vagina makes a happy face for a dude who might stroke out by standing up too fast, he’s basically keeping the family intact just for show. Because obviously she’s passing out her clitoris like Tic Tacs.

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Billy Ray Canceled “The View” Because Of Miley



For years, Billy Ray Cyrus has been content to be a dumb hillbilly with a soul patch who was content to sit back back and let his daughter, Miley Cyrus, foot the bill for his life of undeserved excess. But then she started to go crazy. Knowing Miley might not shit golden eggs for long, he did an interview with GQ and went all Dina Lohan where he threw anyone and everyone except himself under the bus. Looking for a big payday for “exclusive” interviews, Billy Ray Cyrus had planned a whirlwind media tour, with the next stop being The View. Then I guess Miley stopped a payment on one of his checks. Popeater reports:

Now he goes and upsets TV legend Barbara Walters after his daughter forced him to drop out of a scheduled interview on ‘The View’ this week. “When Miley found out her father was scheduled to appear on ‘The View’ on Wednesday she went nuts,” a family friend tells me. “Only last week, Billy shot his mouth off in GQ, and now he planned to sit down with [Barbara and Whoopi] and talk more crap about his family. No way would Miley or her team let that happen.” The GQ interview started off a firestorm after Billy Ray’s bombshell that he feels isolated from his daughter, blaming everyone but himself. “I’m scared for her,” he said in the interview. “She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm.” Billy Ray’s comments had come out of nowhere, leaving everyone, including Miley, to wonder why her dad had decided to go public with private family matters. “At first Miley defended her dad, wanting to believe he had been tricked into saying bad things by the magazine,” an insider with knowledge of situation tells me. “Miley truly wanted to give her father the benefit of the doubt, goodness knows she’s said things she wishes she could take back. But after she found out about his media trip to New York, no more excuses could be made.”

Of course, Billy Ray Cyrus will release a statement in a few days painting himself as the selfless hero saying he canceled out of respect for his daughter and that instead of trying to help her through the media, he believes he should work through Miley’s issues with her lovingly and privately. And of courser, that’s pretty much bullshit. So, as he reads that statement, imagine him on his knees in front of a flag with a pillow case over his head and an AK-47 pointed at his neck. That should clear up any misconceptions you might have with all this.

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“Hannah Montana Destroyed My Family”



In a new interview in GQ, Billy Ray Cyrus finally realizes that whoring his daughter out when she was 13 might not have been the best idea.

I’m scared for [Miley],” says Billy Ray, who expressed feelings of helplessness as his little girl — who became a Disney star in her tweens — became the center of one controversy after another. “She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she’s 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I’d like to try to help,” he says. “At least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute.” But the “Achy Breaky Heart” singer says he’s probably been given too much of the blame for Miley’s endless antics — from her topless Vanity Fair cover to her pole dancing routine at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards to a recent bong-smoking incident- “Well, I took it, because I’m her daddy, and that’s what daddies do. ‘Okay, nail me to the cross, I’ll take it….’” he tells GQ. But he drew the line at attending her 18th birthday party — which was held at a bar, just a few weeks after Miley’s salvia-bong scandal. “It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up… I said, ‘This whole thing’s falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.’ I’m staying out of it.” Billy Ray then spoke about Hollywood tragedies Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith — drawing vague parallels to his own daughter’s wild life. “I’m concerned about Miley. I think that [Cobain's] world was just spinning so fast and he had so many people around him that didn’t help him. Like Anna Nicole Smith–you could see that train wreck coming…Michael Jackson—I was trying to reach out to Michael Jackson.” Among his mistakes? Being a “friend” to his daughter versus a parent.”I should have been a better parent,” he says. “I should have said, ‘Enough is enough–it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have, but I didn’t… Honestly, I didn’t know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere.” And the show that made his daughter a superstar has become a dirty word for Billy Ray, he said. Hannah Montana, he tells GQ, “destroyed my family…the damn show destroyed my family…It’s all sad.” Does he wish Miley had never been cast in the show? “I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I’d take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just everybody be okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I’d erase it all in a second if I could.”

I know this is the time where I should step back and sympathize with a man who got caught up in whirlwind of fame and the millions of dollars his daughter made him, but I’ll could come up with is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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Billy Ray Cyrus. Him :(



Since he got that fancy addin’ machine he can talk on, Billy Ray Cyrus done tweeted this here about Miley smokin that damn devil weed. Well, I’ll be! Yeeee haawwww!!

Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. Im so sad. There is much beyond my control right now.

Sad? Your daughter is a skinny white chick who dresses slutty and passes out in front of strangers because she can’t handle her weed. I’m popping champagne so I really don’t see what we have to be sad about here.

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Billy Ray Cyrus Is Emily Post

Mr. Manners and impending divorcee Billy Ray Cyrus got all huffy when asked about his split. Us Weekly reports:

The country star and father to Miley flipped out during a Friday radio interview on WCOL’s Woody and the Wake-Up Call — when host Woody Johnson asked about his headline-making split from Tish, his wife of 17 years.

“I have to ask you because you are a celebrity and we’ve all heard,” Johnson said. “Your marriage is going?”

Instantly flustered, Cyrus, 49, replied, “Oh man. You know what bud? Woody Johnson. Woody Johnson. God bless America, God bless our troops. Woody Johnson, look at you.”

As the “Achy Breaky Heart” singer cut the interview short and stormed off, Johnson tried to apologize.

“Oh I ain’t mad at you,” Cyrus claimed. “Have a good day, brother.”

Off-mic, Cyrus can be heard sniping, “It’s very rude.”

(more…)

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Billy Ray Cyrus Is A Great Parent, Pt. 2



Earlier this week, video foortage of then 16-year old Miley Cyrus grinding on a 44-year old man’s lap sparked controversy and outrage. But don’t worry. Drying humping dudes at parties while it’s being filmed is just what kids do. TMZ reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus is blowing off the controversy over his then 16-year-old daughter Miley Cyrus grinding on a 44-year-old man — saying, “It’s what people her age do.” In our poll, an overwhelming majority said the dance was inappropriate … and 40 percent of readers blamed Miley’s parents — who were not there when the dancing deed was done.

Flash forward five years, Billy Ray Cyrus is Dina Lohan. He doesn’t want to go back to performing in the back of a flatbed truck at the State Fair, and he knows his daughter is the reason why he doesn’t have to shoot into a bubblin’ crude to get money. He’s perfectly fine with enabling all the way to the Maybach dealership. Basically what I’m saying is, if Miley hasn’t accepted an AVN Award by the time she’s 23, how does Billy Ray expect to buy that Arabian horse?

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