Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show Was A Plot To Make Your Child Gay And Hate Police
Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show Was A Plot To Make Your Child Gay And Hate Police


ATTENTION CHRISTIANS AND MIDDLE AMERICA: If you’ve noticed your child has been acting weird lately, its because you allowed him to watch the Super Bowl 50 halftime show and now they’re gay and want to kill police officers or something.

The first gay hot take was by, of course, Matt Walsh. If you don’t know who that is, he’s the “cool Christian” who smokes and has tattoos and hates gross gay stuff almost as much as he hates women’s rights and minorities. Almost. It’s hard to tell, really. 

Is it at all fathomable that the halftime producers decided to make “love,” rainbows and flowers into the theme for a football halftime show but it never occurred to them that the whole thing would seem pretty gay? How did that conversation go? “Hey, let’s turn the stadium into a rainbow flag with a slogan about love in the middle!” “Why?” “Because it will be pretty!” And that was it? A few silly Christians were the first ones to connect the gay dots? Come on.

Oh, damn. Sorry your narrow world view was slightly inconvenienced for 15 minutes because you couldn’t find the remote to change the channel. That must have been pretty difficult. The good news for people who read Matt Walsh is that if your child is gay, they probably won’t tell you, because 1.) you think that the “gay agenda” includes more than Googling Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl eye makeup and calling in sick to work to watch Grease: Live., and 2.) your child is statistically more likely to commit suicide after you kick them out of the house since God’s grace apparently only extends to those who extend their dicks to procreate instead of love. Whew. Then you won’t have to be embarrassed at the next worship service since this is what all your concern is about anyway. Also, it couldn’t be a Matt Walsh article without a hyperbolic scenario where Christians are chased and persecuted to the ends of the Earth for believing in Jesus. Take it away, Matt!

The halftime show was a black liberation-gay rights sermon set to music, nothing more. And those who say “big deal” probably wouldn’t be that dismissive if the stadium was adorned in crosses and crucifixes while a gospel choir sang about Jesus and the audience held up placards reading “One Man One Woman.” If the NFL did something like that, the outrage would be deafening. There would be boycotts and probably acts of terrorism at NFL headquarters in New York. Millions of progressives would file lawsuits claiming emotional trauma. Roger Goodell would be brought up on hate crime charges. The NFL would cease to exist. And we’d never hear the end of it. Seriously, never.

Although I can appreciate the power he thinks some pieces of wood nailed together wields on society, but if the NFL decided to air games at 9am, there’s a 95% chance churches would cease to exist. Maybe preachers could start panhandling outside NFL stadiums instead of their own? Just spitballing here. 


But probably the most Satanic ritual was Beyonce’s blatant disregard for the police. Keep in mind, this is somehow different than the blatant disregard that police show for minority lives. This did not sit well with Rudy Giuliani

“This is football, not Hollywood, and I thought it was really outrageous that she used it as a platform to attack police officers who are the people who protect her and protect us, and keep us alive,” Giuliani told Fox News. “And what we should be doing in the African-American community, and all communities, is build up respect for police officers, and focus on the fact that when something does go wrong, okay, we’ll work on that. Giuliani added that Beyonce is “probably going to take advantage of” this political position. “You’re talking to middle America when you have the Super Bowl. So if you’re going to have entertainment, have decent, wholesome entertainment and not use it as a platform to attack people,” he told Fox News.  Giuliani called the entire halftime show “ridiculous.” “I don’t know what the heck it was. A bunch of people bouncing around and all strange things. It was terrible,” he said. “Actually don’t even know why we have this. I mean, this is football.”

At first, it was hard for me to believe this was a Giuliani quote because it doesn’t include something about 9/11, but I think probably the best way for your child to become anti-cop is to make him off-white then encounter one. Or be in the vicinity of one. Or don’t obey every explicit command with exacting detail because, well, they’ll shoot you after they forget to turn on their body camera. Not surprisingly, Republican Rep. Peter King is so scared of a strong black woman that he wrote a 5-page letter. I guess the Republican “overreaching, oppressive government” and “corrupt union” narratives somehow stop at police. Probably because the video evidence was destroyed, who knows? Fortunately, the old white man who played in the Super Bowl gets to go out a hero and a winner (despite 1 interception, 5 sacks, and a lost fumble) because all the black guys around him made sure he gets the credit. I’m not sure what you’d call that. What is that called again? Gimme a minute, it’s coming to me.

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Beyonce Is In A Coldplay Video
Beyonce Is In A Coldplay Video


Kanye hasn’t mentioned Beyonce today, so I guess I’ll have to. She’s in Coldplay’s new video for their song called something or another. They’re covered in paint and the lead singer watches a movie that’s all I know. I had headphones on listening to something else. 


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Coldplay Will Open For Beyonce At The Super Bowl Now
Coldplay Will Open For Beyonce At The Super Bowl Now


The NFL took back $30M from people trying to research concussions, but they’ll also take four game checks from a player who smokes weed, so it’s understandable why they thought Coldplay performing at Super Bowl 50’s halftime show would be a great idea. Ambien isn’t on the NFL’s list of prohibited substances. They also tend to have no grip on reality. But I guess somebody told them they should probably have their audience awake for the 2nd half,  so they invited Beyonce to “join” Coldplay on stage. lol at “join”. 

Pepsi confirms to Entertainment Tonight that Queen Bey herself, Beyonce, will join the band on-stage during their performance at the Pepsi Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show on Feb. 7. Presumably, the group will deliver a live rendition of “Hymn for the Weekend,” which is featured on their seventh studio album, A Head Full of Dreams, and features vocals from Bey.

I guess Coldplay is cool if a character in a movie is waking up from a coma or somebody is looking for something for a documentaries about birds, but unless most of the Super Bowl audience didn’t hit their quarters bets and are asphyxiating themselves with an empty Doritos Cool Ranch bag, let’s just run with Beyonce for the whole thing. 


In related news, Beyonce was on Lip Sync Battle last night with Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum’s wife also did something. Kids today tell me that this is something called a “viral video”.



These are pictures of Channing Tatum’s wife:


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Beyonce Wore This Dress

I don’t know anybody who uses Tidal, but Beyonce wore this dress to the TIDAL X: 1020 at Barclays Center event last night I guess to make people write the word “Tidal” today. Even though she’s 37, I think this is still pretty good marketing. I mean, it was either this or Madonna. It’s too early for Madonna. Halloween is like 10 days away.

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Beyonce Is Apparently 37

Beyonce‘s father, Matthew Knowles, was on Power 105.1FM’s The Breakfast Club this morning, where he told a story about LA Reid’s girl group he formed in Atlanta in 1995 (Pink was the lead singer). Then he said this. It’s unclear at the time if the BeyHive has armed guards positioned outside Wikipedia.

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Beyonce Is In Talks With Marvel To Join The Avengers

“How can we get single white women to buy a ticket to the next movie? It’s simple, cast The Beyonce.” – Marvel

Producers want her to join the cast of The Avengers after the success of new episode Age Of Ultron, which took £1.1billion at the box office in six weeks. They believe Bey, 33, could add millions of fans if she starred alongside Scarlett Johansson, who plays Black Widow, and Elizabeth Olsen as the Scarlet Witch. Two sequels – The Avengers: Infinity War Parts 1 and 2 – are scheduled for release in 2018 and 2019, with spin-off films also in the works. A senior executive at movie distributor Disney said: “We would love to have Beyoncé on board, almost certainly as a newcomer to the screen from Marvel’s existing catalogue of comic book characters.”

Not sure what character in a tight outfit she would play, but I’m pretty excited for the scene where she loses a fight and Kanye shows up to explain why she should have won despite the fact the winner knows how to use like 10 different weapons.

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Jay Z Bought Beyonce One Of Khaleesi’s Dragon Eggs
Jay Z Bought Beyonce One Of Khaleesi’s Dragon Eggs

Emilia Clarke (Daenerys Targaryen, The Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons, Hot Ass Piece) is on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar, and in the interview she said she doesn’t have any of the dragon eggs because Jay Z bought one for Beyonce. I guess she couldn’t afford the other two.

She admits to trying to “blag” one of Khaleesi’s dragon eggs (which birthed three now poorly behaved teenage dragons), to no avail. “Apparently Jay Z bought one for Beyoncé, or something,” she laughs. “I don’t know.” No eggs reside in the Clarke residence because “they are really, really, really expensive and they are really fucking heavy and serious works of art.” Like Fabergé? “Eggs-actly! Eggs-cellent!”

PLOT TWIST: Beyonce is now a surrogate and Kanye probably thinks he’s the real father.

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Jay Z Got Hit With A Paternity Suit

Yay! Blue Ivy has a 21-year old big brother! How exciting!

Jay Z has been blasted with a paternity suit that claims he blatantly lied to a New Jersey court to avoid taking a DNA test that could prove he’s the father of a secret love child — who is now 21 years old, according to legal documents. Rymir Satterthwaite alleges that his mother, Wanda, hooked up with the 45-year-old rapper and entrepreneur in the early 1990s and the two engaged in numerous sex romps before Shawn Corey Carter had become the megastar he is today, the National Enquirer reports. Acting through legal guardian and paralegal Lillie Coley, Satterthwaite filed a civil lawsuit in December 2014 in which he accused Jay Z of lying in court when he tried to weasel out of taking a paternity test. Satterthwaite has been fighting to get Jay Z to take the test since 2010, when Wanda took the entertainer to court after it was declared that another man in question was not the father.

If  he knows he’s not the father, then taking a paternity test would prove it. Waiting four years just proves he’s kinda waiting for a freak accident or an act of the Illuminati so he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. As a man, I appreciate his talent to tune this whole thing out, but maybe his son likes truffles and Gwyneth Paltrow movies as well. They could have a lot of things in common.

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BREAKING: Kanye West Is Still A Dick

Kanye West performed twice at the 2015 Grammys last night. The first time, he told a ghost story in a velvet track assistant basketball coach suit. The second time, he performed a song where Sir Paul McCartney, one of the biggest influences in the history of pop music, had to sing the word “wildin'” on national television. You’d think that would have been enough Snickers for Kanye’s ego, but then Beck‘s Morning Phase won AOTY. When Beck went on stage to accept his award (also, Beck was surprised he won, but for the exact opposite reason everybody else did), Kanye walked on stage, but was unable to say anything, because Prince is magical and created a force field around Beck forcing Kanye to sit his dumb ass down. The came the E! aftershow:

“I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyoncé. Because when you keep on diminishing art and not respecting the craft and smacking people in their face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration. And we as musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day, and they listen to that Beyoncé album and they feel like it takes them to another place. Then they do this whole promotional event, they’ll run the music over somebody’s speech, the artist, because they want commercial advertising. Like, no, we not playing with them no more. By the way, I got my wife, my daughter and my clothing line, so I’m not going to do nothing to put my daughter at risk but I am here to fight for creativity. That’s the reason why I didn’t say anything tonight. But you all know what it meant when ‘Ye walks on the stage.

Okay, let’s not pretend here. Kanye will be sitting at the Grammys when his 80, because his entire existence is entirely based on the amount of gold trophies his gets. If he doesn’t win a Grammy for tying his shoes, mankind has failed in Kanye’s mind. Second, ever single track on Morning Phase is great. Hate to break it to you. So if you want to protect artistry, then you clap when Beck wins his award. Beck isn’t Mackelmore. If you don’t know who Beck is, that says more about you than it does it about him, so I’m sorry your music choices are limited to what radio stations tell you. And if we can really sit here and call “7/11”  a “monumental feat of music”, the alien invasion can’t come soon enough. Beyonce wasn’t robbed, she just lost. If you want to feel bad for somebody for being robbed, Ledisi was suppose to perform ““Precious Lord, Take My Hand” (the gospel track she performed for Selma) and got bumped because Beyonce said, “nah bitch”. Beck sings and performs his own songs. Just wanted to throw that out there. In closing, I honestly hope Kanye keeps walking on stage when he’s throwing a tantrum, because one day he’s gonna walk up on the wrong person and get his jaw wired shut again. Fuck Kanye is really all I’m trying to say here.

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