Jay Z Got Hit With A Paternity Suit

Yay! Blue Ivy has a 21-year old big brother! How exciting!

Jay Z has been blasted with a paternity suit that claims he blatantly lied to a New Jersey court to avoid taking a DNA test that could prove he’s the father of a secret love child — who is now 21 years old, according to legal documents. Rymir Satterthwaite alleges that his mother, Wanda, hooked up with the 45-year-old rapper and entrepreneur in the early 1990s and the two engaged in numerous sex romps before Shawn Corey Carter had become the megastar he is today, the National Enquirer reports. Acting through legal guardian and paralegal Lillie Coley, Satterthwaite filed a civil lawsuit in December 2014 in which he accused Jay Z of lying in court when he tried to weasel out of taking a paternity test. Satterthwaite has been fighting to get Jay Z to take the test since 2010, when Wanda took the entertainer to court after it was declared that another man in question was not the father.

If  he knows he’s not the father, then taking a paternity test would prove it. Waiting four years just proves he’s kinda waiting for a freak accident or an act of the Illuminati so he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. As a man, I appreciate his talent to tune this whole thing out, but maybe his son likes truffles and Gwyneth Paltrow movies as well. They could have a lot of things in common.

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BREAKING: Kanye West Is Still A Dick

Kanye West performed twice at the 2015 Grammys last night. The first time, he told a ghost story in a velvet track assistant basketball coach suit. The second time, he performed a song where Sir Paul McCartney, one of the biggest influences in the history of pop music, had to sing the word “wildin'” on national television. You’d think that would have been enough Snickers for Kanye’s ego, but then Beck‘s Morning Phase won AOTY. When Beck went on stage to accept his award (also, Beck was surprised he won, but for the exact opposite reason everybody else did), Kanye walked on stage, but was unable to say anything, because Prince is magical and created a force field around Beck forcing Kanye to sit his dumb ass down. The came the E! aftershow:

“I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyoncé. Because when you keep on diminishing art and not respecting the craft and smacking people in their face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration. And we as musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day, and they listen to that Beyoncé album and they feel like it takes them to another place. Then they do this whole promotional event, they’ll run the music over somebody’s speech, the artist, because they want commercial advertising. Like, no, we not playing with them no more. By the way, I got my wife, my daughter and my clothing line, so I’m not going to do nothing to put my daughter at risk but I am here to fight for creativity. That’s the reason why I didn’t say anything tonight. But you all know what it meant when ‘Ye walks on the stage.

Okay, let’s not pretend here. Kanye will be sitting at the Grammys when his 80, because his entire existence is entirely based on the amount of gold trophies his gets. If he doesn’t win a Grammy for tying his shoes, mankind has failed in Kanye’s mind. Second, ever single track on Morning Phase is great. Hate to break it to you. So if you want to protect artistry, then you clap when Beck wins his award. Beck isn’t Mackelmore. If you don’t know who Beck is, that says more about you than it does it about him, so I’m sorry your music choices are limited to what radio stations tell you. And if we can really sit here and call “7/11″  a “monumental feat of music”, the alien invasion can’t come soon enough. Beyonce wasn’t robbed, she just lost. If you want to feel bad for somebody for being robbed, Ledisi was suppose to perform ““Precious Lord, Take My Hand” (the gospel track she performed for Selma) and got bumped because Beyonce said, “nah bitch”. Beck sings and performs his own songs. Just wanted to throw that out there. In closing, I honestly hope Kanye keeps walking on stage when he’s throwing a tantrum, because one day he’s gonna walk up on the wrong person and get his jaw wired shut again. Fuck Kanye is really all I’m trying to say here.

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Beyonce Woke Up And Used Photoshop Like This
Beyonce Woke Up And Used Photoshop Like This

Beyonce posted a bunch of pictures on Tumblr yesterday, including this one where she’s wearing something that says, “99 Problems But My Ass Ain’t 1″, but we can all assume that one of the problems is not knowing how to effectively use Photoshop. Because instead of going to see Interstellar to experience Einstein’s Curvature of Space, you can just look at those curtains. And, like, what’s going on with her vagina? Did her water just break in these pictures? Is she at a hospital right now? She might want to go to a hospital. That looks kinda painful.

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Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert
Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert

 The “On The Run” HBO Concert event got hyped more Tim Tebow and chicks with bangs, but apparently people like college football and a show about nerds more. Sorry, Bey. (via ONTD)

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s MUCH hyped HBO concert special was a ratings FLOP on Saturday night. The special drew UNDER 900,000 viewers and didn’t even make the Top 20 cable shows of the evening …..

So what were all the feminists watching on the 20th? Was HelloGiggles having some sort of webinar about how to be kind to yourself or how to make a playlist that will make you stop all the negative self-talk? Probably a lot of TLC and Michelle Branch.

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Beyonce Has A 3-Year Old Half Sister
Beyonce Has A 3-Year Old Half Sister

Beyonce’s dad, Matthew Knowles, knocked up a 30-year real estate agent back in 2010. The child support is not in escrow.

Back in July, a 30-year-old Texas woman named TaQoya Branscomb (Ed’s note: Key and Peele football name) filed a paternity lawsuit against Mathew Knowles claiming that he got her pregnant back in 2010 and is the father of her daughter. The model turned real estate agent also requested that when the DNA results came back, she wanted Mathew to not only pay child support but to foot the bill for her attorney fees. Well, Matty better pull out his checkbook because a DNA test proved with 99.998 percent certainty that he IS the father (in my Maury Povich voice). The only issue is that TaQoya might have some trouble actually getting any money from Mathew since Alexsandra Wright, the woman who is the mother to his 4-year-old son, has had plenty of problems of her own with the courts. Mathew claims that since he stopped working as Beyoncé’s manager, he’s broke as a joke so he can’t pay child support. Mathew gives the phrase “papa was a rolling stone” an entirely new meaning. Are there any more Knowles children floating around out there?

Awww, that’s cute. Blue Ivy has an aunt that’s close to her age, so she can grow up not knowing she ever existed. What a touching story this has turned out to be.

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Beyonce’s Staircase Is Bending Space And Time
Beyonce’s Staircase Is Bending Space And Time

Beyonce posted a few bikini pictures on her website to dispel those constant pregnancy rumors, but she inadvertently let it slip that her yacht is a fully functioning time travel device capable of bending space and time. Or she just photoshopped this pic to give her a wider thigh gap.  Not really sure which one of these scenarios to believe. I mean, Beyonce is pretty rich.

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Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket
Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket

The past two weeks we were all led to believe that spreading misinformation was strictly a tactic used by police departments and the government, but as it turns out, Beyonce and Jay Z might have started their own divorce rumors so you would buy a ticket to their “On The Run Tour”. She told you to bow down, and of course, you did.

Mathew Knowles has spoken out with new claims that the whole scandal was a “Jedi mind trick” orchestrated to “ignite” ticket sales for the couple’s On The Run Tour!.…Knowles made the explosive claims on the Roula & Ryan show on 104.1 KRBE in Houston earlier this week. Asked about the infamous elevator incident earlier this year, and continuing divorce rumors, Knowles — Beyonce’s former manager — was unequivocal about his opinion. “I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on,” he said. “So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.”…Incredulous, one of the hosts asked if it were truly possible that Beyonce, Jay Z, and Solange Knowles staged and leaked the tape of themselves arguing in an elevator at an after-party for the Met Ball in New York earlier this year. He said, “All I know is the Jedi mind trick. Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%!”

Beyonce is a feminist icon now, so a plot to pretend her marriage is crumbling to squeeze every last dime she can from her tour will be seen as a shrewd, tactical move from a badass bitch boss lady. Kinda like the time Farrah Abraham pretended she was pregnant with James Deen’s baby. No? Not the same thing? Ok, cool.

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Beyonce Is Your New Feminist Icon

Beyonce got in a bedazzled onesie and twerked on a stripper pole and dry humped a piece of IKEA furniture in front of her 2-year old daughter last night at the 2014 MTV VMAs , but I was under the impression that Farrah Abraham and strippers who can’t afford daycare do the same thing, although please keep in mind,  they don’t project the word “Feminist” after they perform. I guess they should have thought of that, because  Beyonce is now a feminist icon. Did I make the wrong comparison here? I did? Oh, it’s different when Beyonce does it because she’s empowered on the pole? Ok, I think I got it now. Thanks for clearing that up! I thought it was just me for a second.

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Ummm, Okay, Sure
Ummm, Okay, Sure

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Beyonce wouldn’t know what a power tool was if you put one in front of her and labeled it “power tool”, but here she is on Instagram posing as Rosie The Riveter. You know Rosie The Riveter, she’s the feminist symbol of female economic power or whatever. I assume it would be pretty easy to have economic power when all the dudes who held your position prior to you are out of the country getting killed by Germans. Title Nein? Anyway, chicks dress up like Rosie The Riveter when they want to feel empowered I guess. A Cheetara costume would work just as well imo. She had super speed and could see into the future and stuff like that.

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Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably
Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably

Depending on what rumor you choose to believe, either Beyonce is pregnant or Jay Z has already gotten tired of having sex with Beyonce and she’s ready to move on to somebody who will. So basically anyone else on Earth. Page Six says its the latter.

Beyoncé and Jay Z have more than 99 problems and only “divine intervention” can save the troubled marriage, a source close to the powerful couple has told The Post. While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said. “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said. Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said. “There are no rings, if you haven’t noticed,” the source said, admitting that he thought things would get better after the birth of the couple’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter. “For just a split moment, things got real for them and she was even talking about adding to the family,” the source said. “But, after a while, Jay was out doing Jay and Bey was out doing Bey. They made the classic mistake of thinking a child would change everything and help to rekindle the initial fire, and it didn’t.”

Beyonce just made an entire album about boning Jay Z, then her sister Sparta kicked him in an elevator while Beyonce just stood there and did nothing, but Jay Z has probably banged Rihanna during Blu Ivy’s nap time before, so who knows exactly what’s happening here. It might be Ukranian rebels.

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