Ummm, Okay, Sure
Ummm, Okay, Sure

 

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Beyonce wouldn’t know what a power tool was if you put one in front of her and labeled it “power tool”, but here she is on Instagram posing as Rosie The Riveter. You know Rosie The Riveter, she’s the feminist symbol of female economic power or whatever. I assume it would be pretty easy to have economic power when all the dudes who held your position prior to you are out of the country getting killed by Germans. Title Nein? Anyway, chicks dress up like Rosie The Riveter when they want to feel empowered I guess. A Cheetara costume would work just as well imo. She had super speed and could see into the future and stuff like that.

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Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably
Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably

 

Depending on what rumor you choose to believe, either Beyonce is pregnant or Jay Z has already gotten tired of having sex with Beyonce and she’s ready to move on to somebody who will. So basically anyone else on Earth. Page Six says its the latter.

Beyoncé and Jay Z have more than 99 problems and only “divine intervention” can save the troubled marriage, a source close to the powerful couple has told The Post. While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said. “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said. Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said. “There are no rings, if you haven’t noticed,” the source said, admitting that he thought things would get better after the birth of the couple’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter. “For just a split moment, things got real for them and she was even talking about adding to the family,” the source said. “But, after a while, Jay was out doing Jay and Bey was out doing Bey. They made the classic mistake of thinking a child would change everything and help to rekindle the initial fire, and it didn’t.”

Beyonce just made an entire album about boning Jay Z, then her sister Sparta kicked him in an elevator while Beyonce just stood there and did nothing, but Jay Z has probably banged Rihanna during Blu Ivy’s nap time before, so who knows exactly what’s happening here. It might be Ukranian rebels.

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Beyonce Might Be Pregnant
Beyonce Might Be Pregnant

 

Beyonce is pregnant!” rumors happen all the time, so here’s another one I guess.

MediaTakeOut.com can now OFFICIALLY CONFIRM that Beyonce is pregnant. We’ve heard RUMORS about Bey in recent weeks, but yesterday we CONFIRMED IT. What evidence do we have? Well first we have the PHOTOS – look closely at the below pic, you can CLEARLY see a tummy on Bey – which is VERY unusual at this stage of the tour where she’s DANCING DANG NEAR EVERY NIGHT. Second, and more importantly we got SNITCH INFORMATION. An MTOer that is VERY CLOSE with rapper Lil Kim. You see Lil Kim was BACKSTAGE at Jay and Bey’s New Jersey concert last night. And she told her FRIEND everything that happened. The snitch told us, “Lil Kim came back and told us that Bey’s pregnant. . . Kim bought a bottle of champagne for her old friends Jay and Bey – but Bey didn’t drink any. Kim asked her ‘what’s going on are you . . .?’ and before Kim could finish Beyonce just started smiling and said yes.” We’re told that Jay and Bey plan on announcing her status later on in the tour. By the looks of Bey’s tummy, we’d say she’s about four months along. Congrats Jay and Bey – hopefully the new child will help get your marriage back on track. Thi sis a MediaTakeOut.com EXCLUSIVE, it contains 100% FACTS.

Please keep in mind that their source is Lil Kim, so feel free to draw your own conclusions. But who knows, it might be true. Because after her husband has been accused of banging everyone he works with and her sister damaged her brand for being an unhinged maniac, Beyonce seems like the kind of person who would think a new baby would make everything better.  This simply isn’t true. Fried chicken makes everything better.

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Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour
Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour

 

The On The Run tour is three days in so far, and it's already pissed off Justin Bieber fans. Why? Because they're dumb. What? I'm dumb? Your mama's dumb. Oh, your mother is dead? How did she pass?  I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Take comfort in the fact that she lived a long full life.

They've already shocked fans by showing video footage of their 2008 wedding and Blue Ivy's birth, and now Beyonce and Jay Z have pulled another shocker out of the bag. Audiences were treated to a series of mugshots, projected onto giant screens on stage – including singer Justin Bieber's – as Bey told fans: "Even the greatest can fall." Fans posted about the apparent diss to the 20-year-old , who's been arrested and in trouble countless times in recent months. Justin fans seemed torn with some furious Beliebers calling it "disrespectful," and saying, "Justin is gonna freak." Others agreed with the 32-year-old singer, tweeting: "She is totally right. Respect", and "She was proving a point, it was not an Insult".

Let's just all agree to ignore the fact that Beyonce is singing about bad life decisions while standing next to a dude who could have saved 15% or more on licensing fees if he would have used the same kids to sing the chorus of Hard Knock Life that he used to sell his crack. Let's focus on the real issue here: Justin Bieber fans. I don't know what the diagnosis is for somebody who publicly worships this asshole, but it's gotta be some Shutter Island type thing. Ask your doctor if getting stabbed in brain through your eyeball is right for you. That wasn't a joke. You should really do that.

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The ‘On The Run’ Tour Kicked Off Last Night

Not to repeat myself, but the On The Run Tour kicked off in Miami Gardens, FL last night, making Miami Gardens the first place where you could see white girls not being able to even from space.

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Beyonce And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Going On A 4-Day Yoga Thing
Beyonce And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Going On A 4-Day Yoga Thing

 

With shit in the ocean biting 9 foot great whites in half and America's new weekly reality show about mass shootings, your mind probably forgot that Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrow are like basically best friends. May wasn't the best month for either of them after Beyonce had some stuff happen in an elevator and a club, and Gwyneth pulled her head out of her ass long enough to say something dumb and to be generally insufferable. But June? GIRLS' TRIP!

The actress will help her A-list pal, 32, unwind with yoga classes and hikes before the Drunk in Love hitmaker begins her gruelling On the Run tour with husband Jay Z later this month. The 41-year-old is believed to have checked the pair into an exclusive complex in California's central coast, where they are expected to meditate, go on long walks and sample local wine.


This will probably Day 1. Should be fun.

 

Gwyneth: "Namaste."

Beyonce: "I'll stay, too."

Gwyneth: "What?"

Beyonce: "Huh?"

Gwyneth: "Beyonce, I said namaste."

Beyonce: "I know, Gwyneth. I said I am too, what?"

Gwyneth: "What are you talking about?"

Beyonce: "Bitch, what are you talking about?"

Gwyneth: "I think someone in this room is misdirecting their anger right now, and that person isn't me that's all I'm saying."

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Jay Z Hit This Maybe
Jay Z Hit This Maybe

 

So Jay Z may or may not have had sex with Casey Cohen, a 1OAK hostess in NYC. No word yet if Solange has slit her throat then kicked her down a well yet.

Beyoncé and Jay Z are putting up a united front, just days after a report emerged that the rapper is getting too close to Casey Cohen, a New York City hostess. The young blonde, who is 16 years younger than Jay Z, has a bio on Bravo TV, as she apparently is also a reality star. The bio states that Cohen “earned a Bachelor of Science in Studio Art and a Master's Degree in Art Education at NYU. When she isn't working on her art or staying fit, she works for the hospitality company. She is very passionate about art and education and is always finding a way to give back." While there is no mention of her reported gig at NYC hotspot 1OAK, according to InTouch Weekly, Cohen and Jay Z have been spending time together, and he visits her while she’s working. “Jay probably sees her twice a month. He visits her while she’s working and then they slip away for an afterparty. She’ll hang out with him all night, flirting with him and touching him," an insider tells the magazine.

If you don't believe this story because you can undertstand why anybody would cheat on Beyonce, please keep mind that Jay Z has had sex with Beyonce already. He's also seen her pregnant. Nobody should have to be put through that. Also undertstand that this chick white. Us minority guys basicaly have moral obligation to bang as many white girls as possible. It eases white guilt and I personally think it's better than reparations if it's all the same.

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Jay Z And Beyonce Made A Trailer For Their Tour Or Whatever
Jay Z And Beyonce Made A Trailer For Their Tour Or Whatever

 

So, yeah. Apparently Jay Z and Beyonce didn't have enough money in their household budget to cover self-awareness, because in the trailer for Run (a promotional film for their upcoming On The Run tour) they play two criminals who carry assault weapon in an elevator, but none of these weapons look like Solange. It also star Sean Penn as White Guy Giving Advice, Don Cheadle as Black Guy Playing Cards, Blake Lively As White Friend Who Is Always In Up Your Damn Business, That One Mexican Dude As The Mexican Guy, Jake Gyllenhaal As Crazy White Guy With The Knife, Emmy Rossum As Police Officer Who Needs More Target Practice, and Beyonce and Jay Z as Blaxploitation Bonnie and Clyde Who Are On The Run Because Of Their Various Criminal Actives Although In Real Life Beyonce's Little Sister Beat Up Jay Z While Wearing A Wig. Enjoy!

 

 

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Beyonce, Jay Z, And Solange Released A Joint Statement
Beyonce, Jay Z, And Solange Released A Joint Statement

 

"Bae, the stairs are over there. We can take those."

 

Beyonce has an almost psychotic obsession with who gets to capture her image (she bans photographers from her shows and emails popular photo agencies to remove unflatettering photos), but as it turns out, she should have been emailing Solange's psychiatrist, because the Berlin Wall that seperated Beyonce from reality got blown the fuck up after an employee at The Standard leaked the now infamous Mortal Combat: Sistah Gurl footage of Solange kicking the hell out of Jay Z because of Rihanna. Shit has gotten progressively weirder since the 100th problem, but I guess it's all over now because they all just released a joint statement. "Joint". Yeah, okay.

"As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it…Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family. The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we're no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same."

Translation: "Bruh, can you help me out and stop talking about this? Like, for real. Solange has already chewed through the bars on the windows, and bullets don't seem to have any effect. Can ya'll just chill? She pulled the harpoon out of her chest and she doesn't attack the same spot on the electric fence twice. We put some of Blue Ivy's blood on a neckbone and that seems to work for a few hours, but we don't know how much longer that's gonna work. Jay mentioned a live goat, but I don't know where to get a live goat. Oprah said she would help, but Solange bit her hand and now Oprah has to get her arm amputated before the infection spreads. Solange has started to grow talons and we're pretty scared. So if you could stop…what was that? You hear that? AAAAAAHHHHHHH"

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Beyonce Is Uploading Pics Of Rihanna Now
Beyonce Is Uploading Pics Of Rihanna Now

 

After uploading happy pics with her and Solange this morning, Beyonce just posted a pic of her and Rihanna at the MET Ball. Annndddd Solange just deleted her most recent pic with Beyonce. Sorry, guys. I haven't had enough coffee to wade through all this subtext. But when CNN has breaking news today about an active shooter, just go ahead and assume it's Solange.

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