Beyonce’s Staircase Is Bending Space And Time
Beyonce’s Staircase Is Bending Space And Time

 

Beyonce posted a few bikini pictures on her website to dispel those constant pregnancy rumors, but she inadvertently let it slip that her yacht is a fully functioning time travel device capable of bending space and time. Or she just photoshopped this pic to give her a wider thigh gap.  Not really sure which one of these scenarios to believe. I mean, Beyonce is pretty rich.

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Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket
Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket

 

The past two weeks we were all led to believe that spreading misinformation was strictly a tactic used by police departments and the government, but as it turns out, Beyonce and Jay Z might have started their own divorce rumors so you would buy a ticket to their “On The Run Tour”. She told you to bow down, and of course, you did.

Mathew Knowles has spoken out with new claims that the whole scandal was a “Jedi mind trick” orchestrated to “ignite” ticket sales for the couple’s On The Run Tour!.…Knowles made the explosive claims on the Roula & Ryan show on 104.1 KRBE in Houston earlier this week. Asked about the infamous elevator incident earlier this year, and continuing divorce rumors, Knowles — Beyonce’s former manager — was unequivocal about his opinion. “I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on,” he said. “So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.”…Incredulous, one of the hosts asked if it were truly possible that Beyonce, Jay Z, and Solange Knowles staged and leaked the tape of themselves arguing in an elevator at an after-party for the Met Ball in New York earlier this year. He said, “All I know is the Jedi mind trick. Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%!”

Beyonce is a feminist icon now, so a plot to pretend her marriage is crumbling to squeeze every last dime she can from her tour will be seen as a shrewd, tactical move from a badass bitch boss lady. Kinda like the time Farrah Abraham pretended she was pregnant with James Deen’s baby. No? Not the same thing? Ok, cool.

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Beyonce Is Your New Feminist Icon

 

Beyonce got in a bedazzled onesie and twerked on a stripper pole and dry humped a piece of IKEA furniture in front of her 2-year old daughter last night at the 2014 MTV VMAs , but I was under the impression that Farrah Abraham and strippers who can’t afford daycare do the same thing, although please keep in mind,  they don’t project the word “Feminist” after they perform. I guess they should have thought of that, because  Beyonce is now a feminist icon. Did I make the wrong comparison here? I did? Oh, it’s different when Beyonce does it because she’s empowered on the pole? Ok, I think I got it now. Thanks for clearing that up! I thought it was just me for a second.

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Ummm, Okay, Sure
Ummm, Okay, Sure

 

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Beyonce wouldn’t know what a power tool was if you put one in front of her and labeled it “power tool”, but here she is on Instagram posing as Rosie The Riveter. You know Rosie The Riveter, she’s the feminist symbol of female economic power or whatever. I assume it would be pretty easy to have economic power when all the dudes who held your position prior to you are out of the country getting killed by Germans. Title Nein? Anyway, chicks dress up like Rosie The Riveter when they want to feel empowered I guess. A Cheetara costume would work just as well imo. She had super speed and could see into the future and stuff like that.

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Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably
Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably

 

Depending on what rumor you choose to believe, either Beyonce is pregnant or Jay Z has already gotten tired of having sex with Beyonce and she’s ready to move on to somebody who will. So basically anyone else on Earth. Page Six says its the latter.

Beyoncé and Jay Z have more than 99 problems and only “divine intervention” can save the troubled marriage, a source close to the powerful couple has told The Post. While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said. “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said. Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said. “There are no rings, if you haven’t noticed,” the source said, admitting that he thought things would get better after the birth of the couple’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter. “For just a split moment, things got real for them and she was even talking about adding to the family,” the source said. “But, after a while, Jay was out doing Jay and Bey was out doing Bey. They made the classic mistake of thinking a child would change everything and help to rekindle the initial fire, and it didn’t.”

Beyonce just made an entire album about boning Jay Z, then her sister Sparta kicked him in an elevator while Beyonce just stood there and did nothing, but Jay Z has probably banged Rihanna during Blu Ivy’s nap time before, so who knows exactly what’s happening here. It might be Ukranian rebels.

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Beyonce Might Be Pregnant
Beyonce Might Be Pregnant

 

Beyonce is pregnant!” rumors happen all the time, so here’s another one I guess.

MediaTakeOut.com can now OFFICIALLY CONFIRM that Beyonce is pregnant. We’ve heard RUMORS about Bey in recent weeks, but yesterday we CONFIRMED IT. What evidence do we have? Well first we have the PHOTOS – look closely at the below pic, you can CLEARLY see a tummy on Bey – which is VERY unusual at this stage of the tour where she’s DANCING DANG NEAR EVERY NIGHT. Second, and more importantly we got SNITCH INFORMATION. An MTOer that is VERY CLOSE with rapper Lil Kim. You see Lil Kim was BACKSTAGE at Jay and Bey’s New Jersey concert last night. And she told her FRIEND everything that happened. The snitch told us, “Lil Kim came back and told us that Bey’s pregnant. . . Kim bought a bottle of champagne for her old friends Jay and Bey – but Bey didn’t drink any. Kim asked her ‘what’s going on are you . . .?’ and before Kim could finish Beyonce just started smiling and said yes.” We’re told that Jay and Bey plan on announcing her status later on in the tour. By the looks of Bey’s tummy, we’d say she’s about four months along. Congrats Jay and Bey – hopefully the new child will help get your marriage back on track. Thi sis a MediaTakeOut.com EXCLUSIVE, it contains 100% FACTS.

Please keep in mind that their source is Lil Kim, so feel free to draw your own conclusions. But who knows, it might be true. Because after her husband has been accused of banging everyone he works with and her sister damaged her brand for being an unhinged maniac, Beyonce seems like the kind of person who would think a new baby would make everything better.  This simply isn’t true. Fried chicken makes everything better.

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Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour
Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour

 

The On The Run tour is three days in so far, and it's already pissed off Justin Bieber fans. Why? Because they're dumb. What? I'm dumb? Your mama's dumb. Oh, your mother is dead? How did she pass?  I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Take comfort in the fact that she lived a long full life.

They've already shocked fans by showing video footage of their 2008 wedding and Blue Ivy's birth, and now Beyonce and Jay Z have pulled another shocker out of the bag. Audiences were treated to a series of mugshots, projected onto giant screens on stage – including singer Justin Bieber's – as Bey told fans: "Even the greatest can fall." Fans posted about the apparent diss to the 20-year-old , who's been arrested and in trouble countless times in recent months. Justin fans seemed torn with some furious Beliebers calling it "disrespectful," and saying, "Justin is gonna freak." Others agreed with the 32-year-old singer, tweeting: "She is totally right. Respect", and "She was proving a point, it was not an Insult".

Let's just all agree to ignore the fact that Beyonce is singing about bad life decisions while standing next to a dude who could have saved 15% or more on licensing fees if he would have used the same kids to sing the chorus of Hard Knock Life that he used to sell his crack. Let's focus on the real issue here: Justin Bieber fans. I don't know what the diagnosis is for somebody who publicly worships this asshole, but it's gotta be some Shutter Island type thing. Ask your doctor if getting stabbed in brain through your eyeball is right for you. That wasn't a joke. You should really do that.

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The ‘On The Run’ Tour Kicked Off Last Night

Not to repeat myself, but the On The Run Tour kicked off in Miami Gardens, FL last night, making Miami Gardens the first place where you could see white girls not being able to even from space.

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Beyonce And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Going On A 4-Day Yoga Thing
Beyonce And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Going On A 4-Day Yoga Thing

 

With shit in the ocean biting 9 foot great whites in half and America's new weekly reality show about mass shootings, your mind probably forgot that Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrow are like basically best friends. May wasn't the best month for either of them after Beyonce had some stuff happen in an elevator and a club, and Gwyneth pulled her head out of her ass long enough to say something dumb and to be generally insufferable. But June? GIRLS' TRIP!

The actress will help her A-list pal, 32, unwind with yoga classes and hikes before the Drunk in Love hitmaker begins her gruelling On the Run tour with husband Jay Z later this month. The 41-year-old is believed to have checked the pair into an exclusive complex in California's central coast, where they are expected to meditate, go on long walks and sample local wine.


This will probably Day 1. Should be fun.

 

Gwyneth: "Namaste."

Beyonce: "I'll stay, too."

Gwyneth: "What?"

Beyonce: "Huh?"

Gwyneth: "Beyonce, I said namaste."

Beyonce: "I know, Gwyneth. I said I am too, what?"

Gwyneth: "What are you talking about?"

Beyonce: "Bitch, what are you talking about?"

Gwyneth: "I think someone in this room is misdirecting their anger right now, and that person isn't me that's all I'm saying."

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Jay Z Hit This Maybe
Jay Z Hit This Maybe

 

So Jay Z may or may not have had sex with Casey Cohen, a 1OAK hostess in NYC. No word yet if Solange has slit her throat then kicked her down a well yet.

Beyoncé and Jay Z are putting up a united front, just days after a report emerged that the rapper is getting too close to Casey Cohen, a New York City hostess. The young blonde, who is 16 years younger than Jay Z, has a bio on Bravo TV, as she apparently is also a reality star. The bio states that Cohen “earned a Bachelor of Science in Studio Art and a Master's Degree in Art Education at NYU. When she isn't working on her art or staying fit, she works for the hospitality company. She is very passionate about art and education and is always finding a way to give back." While there is no mention of her reported gig at NYC hotspot 1OAK, according to InTouch Weekly, Cohen and Jay Z have been spending time together, and he visits her while she’s working. “Jay probably sees her twice a month. He visits her while she’s working and then they slip away for an afterparty. She’ll hang out with him all night, flirting with him and touching him," an insider tells the magazine.

If you don't believe this story because you can undertstand why anybody would cheat on Beyonce, please keep mind that Jay Z has had sex with Beyonce already. He's also seen her pregnant. Nobody should have to be put through that. Also undertstand that this chick white. Us minority guys basicaly have moral obligation to bang as many white girls as possible. It eases white guilt and I personally think it's better than reparations if it's all the same.

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