Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert
Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert

 

 The “On The Run” HBO Concert event got hyped more Tim Tebow and chicks with bangs, but apparently people like college football and a show about nerds more. Sorry, Bey. (via ONTD)

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s MUCH hyped HBO concert special was a ratings FLOP on Saturday night. The special drew UNDER 900,000 viewers and didn’t even make the Top 20 cable shows of the evening …..

So what were all the feminists watching on the 20th? Was HelloGiggles having some sort of webinar about how to be kind to yourself or how to make a playlist that will make you stop all the negative self-talk? Probably a lot of TLC and Michelle Branch.

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Beyonce Has A 3-Year Old Half Sister
Beyonce Has A 3-Year Old Half Sister

 

Beyonce’s dad, Matthew Knowles, knocked up a 30-year real estate agent back in 2010. The child support is not in escrow.

Back in July, a 30-year-old Texas woman named TaQoya Branscomb (Ed’s note: Key and Peele football name) filed a paternity lawsuit against Mathew Knowles claiming that he got her pregnant back in 2010 and is the father of her daughter. The model turned real estate agent also requested that when the DNA results came back, she wanted Mathew to not only pay child support but to foot the bill for her attorney fees. Well, Matty better pull out his checkbook because a DNA test proved with 99.998 percent certainty that he IS the father (in my Maury Povich voice). The only issue is that TaQoya might have some trouble actually getting any money from Mathew since Alexsandra Wright, the woman who is the mother to his 4-year-old son, has had plenty of problems of her own with the courts. Mathew claims that since he stopped working as Beyoncé’s manager, he’s broke as a joke so he can’t pay child support. Mathew gives the phrase “papa was a rolling stone” an entirely new meaning. Are there any more Knowles children floating around out there?

Awww, that’s cute. Blue Ivy has an aunt that’s close to her age, so she can grow up not knowing she ever existed. What a touching story this has turned out to be.

 

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Beyonce’s Staircase Is Bending Space And Time
Beyonce’s Staircase Is Bending Space And Time

 

Beyonce posted a few bikini pictures on her website to dispel those constant pregnancy rumors, but she inadvertently let it slip that her yacht is a fully functioning time travel device capable of bending space and time. Or she just photoshopped this pic to give her a wider thigh gap.  Not really sure which one of these scenarios to believe. I mean, Beyonce is pretty rich.

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Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket
Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket

 

The past two weeks we were all led to believe that spreading misinformation was strictly a tactic used by police departments and the government, but as it turns out, Beyonce and Jay Z might have started their own divorce rumors so you would buy a ticket to their “On The Run Tour”. She told you to bow down, and of course, you did.

Mathew Knowles has spoken out with new claims that the whole scandal was a “Jedi mind trick” orchestrated to “ignite” ticket sales for the couple’s On The Run Tour!.…Knowles made the explosive claims on the Roula & Ryan show on 104.1 KRBE in Houston earlier this week. Asked about the infamous elevator incident earlier this year, and continuing divorce rumors, Knowles — Beyonce’s former manager — was unequivocal about his opinion. “I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on,” he said. “So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.”…Incredulous, one of the hosts asked if it were truly possible that Beyonce, Jay Z, and Solange Knowles staged and leaked the tape of themselves arguing in an elevator at an after-party for the Met Ball in New York earlier this year. He said, “All I know is the Jedi mind trick. Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%!”

Beyonce is a feminist icon now, so a plot to pretend her marriage is crumbling to squeeze every last dime she can from her tour will be seen as a shrewd, tactical move from a badass bitch boss lady. Kinda like the time Farrah Abraham pretended she was pregnant with James Deen’s baby. No? Not the same thing? Ok, cool.

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Beyonce Is Your New Feminist Icon

 

Beyonce got in a bedazzled onesie and twerked on a stripper pole and dry humped a piece of IKEA furniture in front of her 2-year old daughter last night at the 2014 MTV VMAs , but I was under the impression that Farrah Abraham and strippers who can’t afford daycare do the same thing, although please keep in mind,  they don’t project the word “Feminist” after they perform. I guess they should have thought of that, because  Beyonce is now a feminist icon. Did I make the wrong comparison here? I did? Oh, it’s different when Beyonce does it because she’s empowered on the pole? Ok, I think I got it now. Thanks for clearing that up! I thought it was just me for a second.

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Ummm, Okay, Sure
Ummm, Okay, Sure

 

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Beyonce wouldn’t know what a power tool was if you put one in front of her and labeled it “power tool”, but here she is on Instagram posing as Rosie The Riveter. You know Rosie The Riveter, she’s the feminist symbol of female economic power or whatever. I assume it would be pretty easy to have economic power when all the dudes who held your position prior to you are out of the country getting killed by Germans. Title Nein? Anyway, chicks dress up like Rosie The Riveter when they want to feel empowered I guess. A Cheetara costume would work just as well imo. She had super speed and could see into the future and stuff like that.

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Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably
Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably

 

Depending on what rumor you choose to believe, either Beyonce is pregnant or Jay Z has already gotten tired of having sex with Beyonce and she’s ready to move on to somebody who will. So basically anyone else on Earth. Page Six says its the latter.

Beyoncé and Jay Z have more than 99 problems and only “divine intervention” can save the troubled marriage, a source close to the powerful couple has told The Post. While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said. “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said. Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said. “There are no rings, if you haven’t noticed,” the source said, admitting that he thought things would get better after the birth of the couple’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter. “For just a split moment, things got real for them and she was even talking about adding to the family,” the source said. “But, after a while, Jay was out doing Jay and Bey was out doing Bey. They made the classic mistake of thinking a child would change everything and help to rekindle the initial fire, and it didn’t.”

Beyonce just made an entire album about boning Jay Z, then her sister Sparta kicked him in an elevator while Beyonce just stood there and did nothing, but Jay Z has probably banged Rihanna during Blu Ivy’s nap time before, so who knows exactly what’s happening here. It might be Ukranian rebels.

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Beyonce Might Be Pregnant
Beyonce Might Be Pregnant

 

Beyonce is pregnant!” rumors happen all the time, so here’s another one I guess.

MediaTakeOut.com can now OFFICIALLY CONFIRM that Beyonce is pregnant. We’ve heard RUMORS about Bey in recent weeks, but yesterday we CONFIRMED IT. What evidence do we have? Well first we have the PHOTOS – look closely at the below pic, you can CLEARLY see a tummy on Bey – which is VERY unusual at this stage of the tour where she’s DANCING DANG NEAR EVERY NIGHT. Second, and more importantly we got SNITCH INFORMATION. An MTOer that is VERY CLOSE with rapper Lil Kim. You see Lil Kim was BACKSTAGE at Jay and Bey’s New Jersey concert last night. And she told her FRIEND everything that happened. The snitch told us, “Lil Kim came back and told us that Bey’s pregnant. . . Kim bought a bottle of champagne for her old friends Jay and Bey – but Bey didn’t drink any. Kim asked her ‘what’s going on are you . . .?’ and before Kim could finish Beyonce just started smiling and said yes.” We’re told that Jay and Bey plan on announcing her status later on in the tour. By the looks of Bey’s tummy, we’d say she’s about four months along. Congrats Jay and Bey – hopefully the new child will help get your marriage back on track. Thi sis a MediaTakeOut.com EXCLUSIVE, it contains 100% FACTS.

Please keep in mind that their source is Lil Kim, so feel free to draw your own conclusions. But who knows, it might be true. Because after her husband has been accused of banging everyone he works with and her sister damaged her brand for being an unhinged maniac, Beyonce seems like the kind of person who would think a new baby would make everything better.  This simply isn’t true. Fried chicken makes everything better.

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Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour
Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour

 

The On The Run tour is three days in so far, and it's already pissed off Justin Bieber fans. Why? Because they're dumb. What? I'm dumb? Your mama's dumb. Oh, your mother is dead? How did she pass?  I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Take comfort in the fact that she lived a long full life.

They've already shocked fans by showing video footage of their 2008 wedding and Blue Ivy's birth, and now Beyonce and Jay Z have pulled another shocker out of the bag. Audiences were treated to a series of mugshots, projected onto giant screens on stage – including singer Justin Bieber's – as Bey told fans: "Even the greatest can fall." Fans posted about the apparent diss to the 20-year-old , who's been arrested and in trouble countless times in recent months. Justin fans seemed torn with some furious Beliebers calling it "disrespectful," and saying, "Justin is gonna freak." Others agreed with the 32-year-old singer, tweeting: "She is totally right. Respect", and "She was proving a point, it was not an Insult".

Let's just all agree to ignore the fact that Beyonce is singing about bad life decisions while standing next to a dude who could have saved 15% or more on licensing fees if he would have used the same kids to sing the chorus of Hard Knock Life that he used to sell his crack. Let's focus on the real issue here: Justin Bieber fans. I don't know what the diagnosis is for somebody who publicly worships this asshole, but it's gotta be some Shutter Island type thing. Ask your doctor if getting stabbed in brain through your eyeball is right for you. That wasn't a joke. You should really do that.

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The ‘On The Run’ Tour Kicked Off Last Night

Not to repeat myself, but the On The Run Tour kicked off in Miami Gardens, FL last night, making Miami Gardens the first place where you could see white girls not being able to even from space.

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