Natalie Portman Might Already Be Married

Natalie Portman and her fiance since December 2010, prancing ballerina Benjamin Millepied, showed up to the Oscars on Sunday both wearing rings. So this means they were secretly married under the cover of deception and night or something. People reports:

Did Natalie Portman slyly reveal big news before more than 1 billion TV viewers? On Sunday night’s 84th Academy Awards, the actress appeared to be wearing a wedding ring set as she clutched an envelope onstage. And her French fiancĂ©, Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Millepied, was photographed with a band on his wedding finger. Was there a secret wedding? That remains a mystery for now, as the Oscar winner’s rep hasn’t commented.

What?! You mean to tell me a famous actress got married without issuing a press release? She didn’t even tell People?! She decided to live her life in quiet dignity realizing it’s nobody’s fucking business?! How are tabloids supposed to sell magazines?! Kris Jenner is probably walking along the beach and tossing sticks in the ocean right now. “I…I just…I just don’t understand. Help me understand,” she was quoted as saying to the heavens.

Note: Not to rain on anybody’s secret wedding, but it is rumored that Darren Aronofsky is Portman’s baby daddy and not Benjamin Millepied. Look at this post and it will make more sense.

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Natalie Portman Had A Boy. This Is The Father.

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Wait, I thought this kid’s twin sister was supposed to be the Princess? The Gay Force will be strong with this one. People reports:

It’s been a big year for Natalie Portman: an engagement, an Oscar and now a baby! The actress and fiancĂ© Benjamin Millepied have welcomed a son, PEOPLE has exclusively learned.

When your mom looks like Amon Goeth’s vegan housekeeper and your dad is a prancing lad whose idea of badass is doing an interpretive dance to Mahler, there’s really only once direction I see this kid going. And that’s down Sunset in cutoff jean shorts and mascara.

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