Ben Carson Needs A Background Check
Ben Carson Needs A Background Check


In America, anyone can be President. Scary, huh? That’s good news for Presidential candidate Ben Carson, because he’s raking in millions like he got a endorsement deal from Nike just for saying Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to be President. Ben Carson then realized there was more money to be made, so in the wake of the Umpqua Community College shooting which left 9 people dead and 9 people injured, Carson channeled his Mark Wahlberg and let the victims’ families know they died because they weren’t aggressive enough. Pussies.

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Kanye West Thinks Ben Carson Is “The Most Brilliant Guy”

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Kanye West talked about Kanye West a lot. He also talked about the importance of sweatshirts. He also called Ben Carson brilliant, which make me not want to believe his stance on sweatshirts.

I want everyone to win. When I run for president, I’d prefer not to run against someone. I would be like “I want to work with you.” As soon as I heard [Ben] Carson speak, I tried for three weeks to get on the phone with him. I was like this is the most brilliant guy. And I think all the people running right now have something that each of the others needs. But the idea of this separation and this gladiator battle takes away from the main focus that the world needs help and the world needs all the people in a position of power or influence to come together.

Ben Carson once said affordable healthcare was the worst thing since slavery. I could just stop right there, or I could say Ben Carson also once said evolution was created by Satan to keep you Jesus. Keep in mind that Ben Carson is running for President. I tried to run this quote through a Kanye translator, but the only parallel I could find is that two men who were at one time at the top of their respective professions say dumb shit when somebody gives them a microphone.

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Ben Carson Wants Us To Stop “Demonizing” Ray Rice
Ben Carson Wants Us To Stop “Demonizing” Ray Rice

 

Ben Carson, the bland, former chief of pediatric neurosurgery at the Johns Hopkins Children’s Center who conservatives want to run for president, because they think we’ll be tricked by his skin color instead of focusing on views, chimed in on the whole Ray Rice thing. HINT: It’s not good.

“I’m hopeful that they will get some help for him. Obviously, anyone who would do something like that needs some help,” Carson said Monday on “The Steve Malzberg Show” on Newsmax TV….“Let’s not all jump on the bandwagon of demonizing this guy. He obviously has some real problems,” Carson said.  “His wife knows that because she subsequently married him.” (hey, Todd here. Yikes)…Despite the violence, for which Rice apologized, the couple later married. Carson pleaded for both to get counseling. “They both need some help,” Carson said. “Rather than just jumping on an impunitive bandwagon [of criticism], let’s see if we can get some help for these people.”
 
So if you can’t demonize a guy for knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator, please let me know what we can demonize a guy for, because I’d really like to know. Affordable healthcare? Although they clearly both need help, you know who doesn’t need any sympathy nor lack of criticism? The guy who knocked his wife unconscious in an elevator. Meanwhile, Janay Rice, who had to sit at a press conference and apologize for getting beat with her abuser sitting next to her like he was her parole officer, is now basically Belle in a really fucked up version of  Beauty and the Beast, and is STILL apologizing and blaming everyone except Ray Rice, because she’s been Stockholm Syndromed and beat in the head so much all logic and sense of self has left her brain. She literally believes it’s her and the media’s fault that her husband can no longer has the privilege of playing in the NFL. Look, divorce him. Take half his money, then make a song featuring Rihanna. All songs featuring Rihanna do very well chart-wise and on iTunes. Then donate half of  what you make on that to a battered women’s shelter. Then maybe go to the The Cheesecake Factory. Their avocado eggrolls are surprisingly on point.

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