I’ve already said everything I needed to say about the cinema hate crime that is Batman v Superman in my review here, but goddamn, the Batman v Superman honest trailer. I’m pretty sure this is movie that ruined your childhood. But I forgot it has grown men in tights, and remembered that doesn’t scare you as much as vagina. You should probably talk that out with someone.
Batman v Superman was so bad Hans Zimmerman said fuck outta here with anymore superhero movies. Ben Affleck had to rewrite the script on set and he still couldn’t save it from the inevitable “set a record for the biggest box office dropoff for a superhero film from Friday to Sunday in an opening weekend” thing that was bound to happen. But good news, people who like superhero movies that also happen to be good movies, Ben Affleck is here for you. According to WME-IMG’s co-CEOs Ari Emanuel and Patrick Whitesell‘s interview with THR, Affleck has already written a standalone Batman script.
Patrick, how long do you think Ben will want to play Batman?
WHITESELL: Well, he’s contracted to do at least Justice League One and Two, so at least three times wearing the cape. And there’s a script that he’s written that is a really cool [Batman] idea, so that’s out there as an option.
Advice: fast track the shit out of this. Stop what you’re doing with Justice League Part 1 and do this instead. And let Affleck direct. If Zack Snyder shows up, let Batman shoot him on sight. It’s what the people want. Say what you want about Affleck, but even the trailers for the movies he’s directed are better than Batman v Superman. Because, if we’re being honest with ourselves, Snyder has no idea what he’s doing. I would even be hesitant to let Snyder direct traffic since he’ll make sure somebody dies at the end.
Back in 2013, it was announced that Bryan Cranston was announced to play Lex Luthor in Batman V Superman. Remember this is back when we were all pissed that Ben Affleck was cast as Batman. Man, what a difference 3 years makes. Well, now we can be pissed that Zack Snyder decided to go with Jesse Eisenberg instead, because he loved his….Jimmy Olsen audition. Fucking hell.
And after the 32-year-old actor left the meeting, Snyder turned to his wife: “I was like, ‘Wow, that guy is crazy… Debbie, what about Jesse as Lex?” At that point, they had were still interviewing actors about the Luthor role – most of them older, more imposing figures, such as Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston. “We talked about the usual suspects that you would imagine; any actor who has been bald, probably,” Synder says. “Bryan Cranston would have been great, right? And by the way, he’s an amazing actor. Can you imagine how different the movie would be?”
Oh, I’m imagining. I’m definitely imagining. Like it’s one thing to take perceived risks in casting (Heath Ledger) when people questioning that casting are dumb, but it’s totally another thing to take a risk in casting when you’re dumb. Like Zack Snyder. So not only do we have a movie that introduces a new Batman, “debuts” Wonder Woman, and attempts to catch up with Marvel as quickly as it can by launching a franchise with a sorta kinda sequel of a movie that was never intended to launch a franchise to begin with, we now have Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor instead of Bryan Cranston because Snyder thought he was smarter than everybody else in the room. I actually kinda feel sorry for people who waited their wholes lives for this movie and now have no choice but to defend this piece of shit despite staring directly at its bloated, convoluted carcass. I guess the go to weapon of choice now is to say critics have no idea what they’re talking about since Batman V Superman is making money. Wal-Mart makes money. For real, like it wasn’t going to make money. It’s just a shit movie. Were the critics wrong about Deadpool? The Dark Knight? Batman Begins? Iron Man? I mean, shit. Were they wrong about The Incredibles? Or are they just wrong about this one particular superhero movie that you can’t accept is bad AS A MOVIE? I’ll leave that up to you to decide. I’m gonna go watch a Fixer Upper marathon I have to delete before my girlfriend gets home. You understand.
Also, you can read my Batman V Superman review again if you want. You know you want to. Don’t fight it.
I freely admit that I’ve pissed on Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice before even watching it. I get that. I’m that guy. But after you see what Zack Snyder and David S. Goyer did with Man Of Steel (a movie I really wanted to be good), I’m not going to hold out hope that those two can do better when they add Wonder Woman and Batman in a robot suit. I guess other people didn’t either. Because basically every Batman V Superman review is bad. Like Yelp review bad. It currently has a 37% on Rotten Tomatoes. Like, that would be great news if this was an Adam Sandler movie, but this is a $250M tentpole movie intended to launch an entire franchise. You might argue that these critics won’t be able to understand because “they’ve never read a comic before” (yes, I read that on Facebook today). So I’ll just post some of the review from Comic Book Resources. That good? Cool.
I was bored. Often. Then infuriated that this massively budgeted movie guaranteed to be a blockbuster is so willfully a trainwreck…. But worse are a series of long, creature-filled dream sequences, into which we’re hurled without warning or logic. By the third bad Batman dream, I had completely lost my grasp on what was going on in this movie. And the script does the audience no favors. To call it ridden with plot holes would be a disservice to plot holes. These are plot caverns.
Apparently its boring, take itself way too fucking seriously, and the whole “Batman V Superman” part is like a half-assed handjob. However, that being said, I’ll being seeing this crap Thursday night and will be posting my first ever movie review on here on Friday. Try to contain your excitement. Not for these Gal Gadot pics though.
I realize you come here expecting titties and such, but please understand that Batman v Superman is trending right now, so you can expect more of these. Look, I got mouths to feed. Anyway, as my other post pointed out, the Batman v Superman NYC premiere was last night, and solely based on Twitter reactions, it should have been called Wonder Woman Is Great In Spite Of Zack Snyder.
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice opens this Friday and held its premiere Sunday night in New York City. The critics are still under an embargo, but those not under the embargo who attended the screening were already raving about the movie on Twitter last night. The stand out, however, continues to be Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), the retired superhero who is over 5,000 years old and who decided to return to our society as an antiques dealer in pursuit of an important antiquity (possibly one she’s willing to steal from Bruce Wayne). Wonder Woman was already rumored to “steal the show” from Batman and Superman, and this seems to be exactly the case. That’s why you never match wits with an Amazonian when death is on the line.
So the movie is like the trailer, then? This is how I’m reading this.
Hey, it’s more Gal Gadot. How awesome is that?
Like Joel Schumacher before him, Zack Snyder tried to cram as many villains up your ass in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice because he can’t help himself from making this movie a piece of shit. Keep in mind that without The Joker and The Riddler, the Batman v Superman run time is almost as long as an NFL game. In a recent interview with Collider, Snyder should have kept this to himself.
The Joker and The Riddler both came close to being in this movie. We talked about the possibility of putting them in. [Screenwriter] Chris Terrio and I talked about it a lot and felt that their mythological presence is felt in the movie and that’s cool, but I didn’t want to get my eye too far off the ball because I needed to spend the time, frankly, with Batman and Superman to understand the conflict.
Ok, so here’s who is in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Lex Luthor, Apocalypse, Cyborg, The Flash, Zod, Lois Lane, Martha Kent, Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, and Alfred. What would The Joker and The Riddler exactly being doing in this? Taking Wonder Woman’s order at Chipotle?
Here’s some pics of everybody at the ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice’ NYC premiere. “Everybody” meaning “mostly Gal Gadot”.
There’s been like 45 Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice trailers, but supposedly this is the last international trailer. It’s “action-packed” and has “tons of new footage”. It also has a Chinese dude doing the voiceover. I don’t know what he’s saying, but he seems pretty serious about it. He could be talking about his NCAA bracket and we wouldn’t know.
[ h/t JoBlo ]
The run time for Batman v Superman has been revealed on the AMC Theaters website, and it’s 2 hours and 31 minutes. I assume 45 minutes of that will be Batman trying to putting his suit on. Another 30 minutes will probably be a shoehorn plot involving Aquaman per the WB studio execs’ notes. This is supposedly a “darker” Justice League thing, so maybe Aquaman will stab somebody who is taking a selfie with a dolphin.
[ h/t CinemaBlend ]