After winning the popular vote and the electoral vote without the majority of the white male vote, President Barack Obama was elected to a second term last night. Mostly because he know Latinos aren’t going anywhere and that you shouldn’t disrespect a vagina unless it specifically asks you to. And he didn’t campaign in counties where truck stops are polling stations. So to all my white friends, stay calm. When they come to round you up, just say you know me.
Gov. Chris Christie was on Fox News today. It was probably his last time. The only way this video could be more epic is if it was directed by Peter Jackson.
Last week, Donald Trump said he had a “major announcement” that would “change the face of the election”. So if you were expecting (and I know you were) something that would cost Barack Obama the election, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Mostly because Trump is an idiot. The not-so-subtle racism and expertly crafted built in argument if Obama refuses (“HE HATES CHARITIES!!” “SO HE DOESN’T WANT TO REDISTRIBUTE NOW, HUH?!”) is almost as funny as whatever gave its life so Trump could have hair. Because who would turn down $5M for cancer if he didn’t have something to hide, right? That would make sense if everyone was Republican and only saw things as a balance sheet. I guess charity is only fulfilling when you can use that money to buy a black (more…)
Drake, a Canadian and rapper whose only street cred in being shot by a classmate at Degrassi High, wants to play Barack Obama in a movie. Because he “wants to do something for his culture”. Rich Canadians are crying out for a Obama movie? I don’t know. Also, he’s Canadian did I mention that? New York Post reports:
“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal,” the rapper told VH1 News at the Sundance Film Festival earlier this week…“I watch all the addresses,” he says. “Any time I see him on TV, I don’t change the channel. I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice. If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.”…”I’ve been reading scripts for awhile,” he said. “I want to do something great. I want to do something for my culture: The younger people who are still in tune with everything going on. I’m actually writing with my friends right now.”
I’m sure Drake is serious when he says he’s pretty good at impressions, because he does a pretty good job of impersonating a rapper because I assume it’s hard to rap about your Bar Mitzvah and growing up in Toronto’s wealthiest neighborhood with your mommy. Also, why are his eyes so far apart? His private pool didn’t have a lifeguard when he was a kid? Actually, Drake having Downs makes more and more sense when you think about it. Nice Britney eyes, jackass.
Only time will tell whether acts like Wilco, the Counting Crows, the Jonas Brothers (someone was trying to get a little cred with Sasha and Malia!), Jay-Z, Josh Groban, and Ricky Martin will actually take Obama up on this offer, so for now, just enjoy perusing this rare inside-look at the lineup of musicians that the Obama camp is hoping to court:
Eric Robertson and the Boston Boys
The Band Perry
Oooh, Lea Michele! Regina Spektor! Jack Johnson! I think it’s pretty cool that Obama isn’t just our
second, after Bill Clinton first black president, but also our first deaf one too.
The White House released the first Obama family portrait since 2009 today because “daughters, Malia, 13, and Sasha, 10, have grown so much since the last official portrait”. I think they mean
War HorseMalia’s head and Sasha’s fondness for dessert trays. I could be wrong. Maybe I’m just reading too much into what they’re saying.
As you might have already heard, President Barack Obama released his long form birth certificate yesterday, because with two wars, a doomed economy, and natural disasters ripping the world to shreds, where the President was born is an issue we should be concerned about. In their defense, I can understand why a lot of Republicans don’t think Obama is American. He’s intelligent and exercises regularly. White House blog says:
In 2008, in response to media inquiries, the President’s campaign requested his birth certificate from the state of Hawaii. The state sent the campaign the President’s birth certificate, the same legal documentation provided to all Hawaiians as proof of birth in state, and the campaign immediately posted it on the internet. That birth certificate can be seen here (PDF). When any citizen born in Hawaii requests their birth certificate, they receive exactly what the President received. In fact, the document posted on the campaign website is what Hawaiians use to get a driver’s license from the state and the document recognized by the Federal Government and the courts for all legal purposes. That’s because it is the birth certificate. This is not and should not be an open question. The President believed the distraction over his birth certificate wasn’t good for the country. It may have been good politics and good TV, but it was bad for the American people and distracting from the many challenges we face as a country. Therefore, the President directed his counsel to review the legal authority for seeking access to the long form certificate and to request on that basis that the Hawaii State Department of Health make an exception to release a copy of his long form birth certificate.
So this should settle it once and for all, but, of course, it won’t. Because Conservatives and Tea Partiers are convinced, while their 401Ks are being funneled into a CEO’s offshore account and their homes are being auctioned off, that Obama is Satan quoting Karl Marx who has the audacity to steal their pretend millions they might make one day to help a poor person have decent health insurance. You know, because nothing says pure unadulterated evil like universal healthcare. But can’t they just say, “But…but…he’s a NIGGER! CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT?! WE HAVE AN AFRICAN NIGGER IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!”. I mean, for real. That’s pretty much what all this is about. If I was Obama, I would have ripped Trump’s toupee off his head and wiped my fucking ass with it. He’s the President, not some kid with a fake ID trying to get a 40oz at the corner store. So, relax white people. If it takes your mind off it, I performed an abortion on a Baptist teenager while burning the flag and my W-2s today.
Yes, because the shattered economy and two unfundable wars are just throw away items, Jane Lynch is bitching that Obama hasn’t made gay rights his main priority. Brace yourself, Todd is about to go on a rant. Huffington Post reports:
The openly gay ‘Glee’ star – married on this past Memorial Day to psychologist Lara Embry – spoke with Dan Savage, founder of the ‘It Gets Better’ campaign, about the state of gay America. And she was not pleased with the President’s progress. “We thought the great hope of Obama was going to magically change all that, and it doesn’t seem to have… He’s just nicely walking the middle,” she says. She then observed that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell did not seem like it would be overturned thanks to John McCain (it was later – on Saturday – voted out by the Senate), and when Savage says, “F**k John McCain,” Lynch concurs: “Yeah, I say it too, to the second power.” Lynch then remarks that she agrees with the premise (but, not specifically the specific case) of Savage’s suspicion that Supreme Court Justice Antonin is gay, saying, “Totally! The next religious person who tells you there’s something wrong with being a homosexual, start the countdown. It’s psychology 101–the people who are the loudest and hate it the most hate something in themselves.”
First, Obama is a politician. He said what he needed to say to get elected, now he’ll do what he needs to do to get reelected. End of story. Admittedly, I’m an asshole who makes fun of everyone, including gays. However, I believe homosexuals should have the same rights as everyone else, because it isn’t a moral issue, it’s a civil liberties issue. Now that’s out of the way, could you shut the fuck up about it? I’d appreciate it. Gay rights are really the only thing that matters to homosexuals, and if you disagree with them, you secretly want to be gay. How does that work? If you find pedophilia disgusting, do you secretly want to rape kids? If you’re against the senseless torturing of animals, do you secretly want to hook up a kitten to a car battery? No. Only when you say homosexuality might be gross does this logic apply. Lady Gaga panders to her gay fans because she knows that’s the only way she’ll sell records. Perez Hilton pretends he’s being burned at the stake when “gay bullying” is mentioned now, but why not ask Lance Bass how he feels about Perez’s sudden sanctimonious stance? Perez Hilton spent his entire career viciously outing people until some kids killed themselves, then he turned all pious. Fuck you. You aren’t Rosa Parks, you aren’t living in Darfur, you don’t live in the 9th ward, so stop throwing a hissy fit when you can’t get everything you want the second you want it. Change the wording and the agenda, and quotes from gay rights activists sound exactly like quotes from religious fanatics. Just because you see yourself as some enlightened liberal, doesn’t make you sound like any less of a hypocritical jackass. I’m hungry now. Grabbing a taco. Brb.
Note: My cousin’s daughter had to change schools last year because she was harassed and teased incessantly for being overweight and not being able to afford designer shoes. The leader? A gay dude named Tommy. So please, let’s cut the bullshit.
While the economy is spiraling out of control and millions of Americans lose their jobs as a result, Michelle Obama flew to Spain last month to see a friend who recently lost a parent. Then, you know, go shopping. It was a rather low-key affair, consisting of a private Air Force 757, three shifts of uniformed and plain clothes agents and military personnel, six White House advance staffers and two East Wing staffers, deputy Chief of Staff Melissa Winter and Mrs. Obama’s personal assistant, Kristen Jarvis. It also included a stay at the modest five-star Villa Padierna beach resort where the snack machines served her a lunch of Andalusian-style chilled gazpacho soup, char-grilled turbot, veal escalopes with mustard, Oriental rice with sauteed mushrooms, a Mallorca-style vegetable ratatouille and sliced fruit with ice cream, accompanied by wines from the northern regions of Rueda and Rioja. All totaled, the trip cost U.S. taxpayers $500,000. But wait! There’s more money to spend! National Enquirer reports:
Nearly 15 million people are unemployed, but that hasn’t stopped the first lady from “spending like Marie Antoinette” and appearing to live it up “like a lottery winner,” fume outraged critics. Worried White House advisers have told the president he quickly needs to get his wife “under control” because her reckless spending – on trips, shopping and redecorating – is sending an intensely negative message to Americans in a bad economy and could undermine his re-election plans. “The president’s advisers hit the roof recently when they found out Michelle was arranging other exotic trips in the new year with girlfriends – on top of sprucing up their White House living quarters and her plans to do some redecorating at their home back in Chicago,” disclosed a top Washington source. “They’ve estimated that all the spending will top more than $2 million!” “They’ll flip if she takes more exotic vacations – and they won’t care if renovations to the White House living quarters and their house back in Chicago are done by benefactors. It still sends the wrong message.” As The ENQUIRER first reported, Michelle and her entourage recently spent five days in Spain, ringing up some $500,000 in expenses – much of it on the taxpayers’ tab, say sources. On top of that, the stylish first lady “loves top-dollar designer duds and hosting fancy dinner parties,” said a Beltway insider. “The bad economy seems to have no effect on her.”
I didn’t vote for Obama or McCain, so first off, fuck you. Secondly, the last time I checked, the White House wasn’t a deluxe apartment in the sky. Look, I have nothing against the Obamas personally. They both seem gregarious and honestly seem to mean well, but if 10% of Americans can’t find a job, maybe you shouldn’t be frolicking on the coast of a lavish hotel in the Mediterranean. You can see how that would send the wrong message. But that’s just me. Also the wrong message? Bangs.
Note: Yeah, yeah I know. This is the last time you’ll visit this site. See you tomorrow!
While America is fighting two seemingly never-ending wars and dealing with one of the worst natural disasters in our country’s history, Barack Obama became the first sitting president to be a guest on a daytime talk show by appearing on The View this morning. Popeater reports:
Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the rest of the ‘View’ crew welcomed Obama for what was was the first appearance on a daytime talk show by a sitting president. “Should Snooki run as mayor of Wasilla?” asked Behar during the rapid-fire round. After chuckling, Obama responded: “I got to admit, I don’t know who Snooki is.” He was also asked if he knew Lohan was in jail. Indeed he did, however he couldn’t quite remember why he would know that. “Does Mel Gibson need anger management?” Behar asked. “I haven’t seen a Mel Gibson movie in a while,” Obama dodged.
Man, that’s awesome. Coming across as cool enough to know about pop culture, but serious enough not to seem too interested in it. Especially, the Snooki part! That was great! Except in the below video at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where he made a Jersey Shore reference. So either he knows what a Snooki is and forgot or the words he says are meaningless, hollow words on the page that should be scrutinized and questioned at every opportunity. Another things that should be questioned at every opportunity? Crocs.