Brazilian Avril Lavigne Fans Think She Was Killed After Her First Album And Replaced With A Clone

Good news, guys. Batshit conspiracy theories aren’t regulated to just your cousin in Texas, because there’s one in Brazil right now that makes her fans think she was killed in 2002 and replaced by a clone named Melissa Vandella (they even have a site called “Avril Is Dead”). In related news, where are we all meeting up to greet the aliens? Can we make it someplace warm? Is it cool if I make my own sign? Lemme know what you guys decide.


Here’s her latest video. If I was Avril, I’d probably just go along with this.


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Avril Lavigne Is Single Again
Avril Lavigne Is Single Again


So you’re telling me that five days after performing with Taylor Swift that Avril Lavigne split from her husband of two years? Ok, I’m sure it’s nothing.

(more…)

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Avril Lavigne Has Lyme Disease

Hey, remember when Avril Lavigne went on Twitter and was like, “I’ve some kind of disease” and everybody was like, “k”? Turns out it’s Lyme Disease. Glad to hear this isn’t a April Fools’ joke.

“I could barely eat, and when we went to the pool, I had to leave and go lie in bed,” she tells PEOPLE in this week’s exclusive cover story. “My friends asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ I didn’t know.”  Shortly after, following months of feeling lethargic and lightheaded, the normally energetic singer got her diagnosis: she had a severe case of Lyme disease.  “I had no idea a bug bite could do this,” says Lavigne, who believes she was bit by a tick sometime last spring. “I was bedridden for five months. The Canadian singer has been recuperating at her home in Ontario, where she spends time with family, watches movies and keeps up with fans through social media.  “I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t move,” she says. “I thought I was dying.”

Man, she had to leave the pool and go lie down? Can you even imagine? So horrible. Prayers up. I really don’t know what Lyme Disease entails other than being in bed for 5 months, but maybe that’s what she gets for writing Avril Lavigne songs. It’s unnatural for Avril Lavigne and Nickelback to occupy the same space, and the universe has a way of shutting that whole thing down before a vacuum of suck is formed and we all go through it. Anyway, get better I guess? Or don’t. I just ordered a burrito, so I’m actually more concerned about that right now.

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Avril Lavigne Is Probably Single Right Now
Avril Lavigne Is Probably Single Right Now

 

Marriage is pretty cool, because it’s a societal obligation that forces you to sign a contract promising to stay with another person until one of you dies, but it has a clause that stipulates if you fuck up, she’ll get to take half your shit. Women love the idea of marriage, because marriage means an engagement ring they can post on Facebook and Instagram. It also means a big, huge wedding they’ve been dreaming about their whole lives that will send them into crippling debt before they even get started, then after the wedding and honeymoon, they realize they have to look and have sex with the same person for the rest of their lives even though that person takes dumps with the door open. That part doesn’t sound as cool, so that’s why over half of marriages end in divorce. Oh, by the way, Avril Lavigne and Chad Nickelback are getting a divorce. That’s general point here.

This rockstar romance may be coming to an end. Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger are headed for a split after a year of marriage, insiders reveal exclusively in the new issue of Us Weekly. “It’s over,” a source tells Us. “He has been going around L.A. telling people that they are divorcing.” Kroeger, 39, popped the question to Lavigne, 29, in August 2012 after dating for a month. They wed in an intimate ceremony in the South of France in July 2013.

The last time we heard from these two was last month. The month where he bought her a 17-CARAT DIAMOND RING. She probably won’t give that back, because if I had a literal vagina instead of the figurative one I have sometimes and somebody was dumb enough to appraise it at 17-carats, I’ll gladly take that shit and never look back. It would probably make my eyes gets so red. And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

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Avril Lavigne Got A 17-Carat Ring
Avril Lavigne Got A 17-Carat Ring

 

Not sure how we live in a world where the lead singer of Nickelback can afford to buy a 17-carat emerald cut ring for Avril Lavigne for their 1 year anniversary, yet here it is. I honestly can’t think of one reason where I’d buy anyone a 17-carat ring, unless the ring had magical powers and I bought it for myself, because vagina is only worth 1-carat, 2 tops. Maybe just a Sephora gift card.  And we’ve all seen Avril’s teeth. This wasn’t a reward for Best Achievement In Blowjobs. It’s 2014 and Chad Kroeger still frosts his hair, so its obvious decision making isn’t really his thing.

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Avril Lavigne Looks Like This Now, Links

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Winnie Cooper Is Dead To Me

 

When Ted Cruz becomes Prime Minister of Canada after he explains why his dad was a Communist, I think his first official act should be to ban Avril Lavigne and Nickelback to a prison island where they can be hunted for sport. And Avril should get more of a headstart when the cyborg werewolves are released because she managed to get Danica McKellar to dress slutty and pretend to be a lesbian in Avril's video for "Rock and Roll". Even though she knows nothing about rock and roll, Avril does know how to get me to watch one of her videos. Please have leniency, PM Cruz.

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Avril Lavigne Is Getting Married To The Nickelback Dude Tonight

Earlier this week, the first Canadian player was drafted #1 overall in the NBA Draft, but all of that goodwill and pride has instantly been obliterated between Canada and America because Avril Lavigne is marrying Chad Kroeger tonight. On Canada Day. Robin Sparkles would approve. New York Post reports:

Rock princess Avril Lavigne will cap off her lavish "wedding weekend" getaway with the exchange of vows on Monday evening, after spending three days in the south of France celebrating her union to Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger. The couple had a big party on Saturday in Cannes for family and friends, but according to US Weekly sources, the "extremely intimate" ceremony is actually on Monday. Earlier this month, Lavigne, 28, told the magazine about her excitement leading up to the big day. "I'm the one who has the crazy vision and he's letting me be me," she said. "It's a lot and I just want to make sure I really enjoy this amazing time." "I want all the guests who come to have this once in a lifetime experience and I want everyone to say 'Wow!' and for it to be special for everyone, not just us."

Justin Bieber. Drake. Kelly Oxford. Corey Haim. Toronto Raptors. Haven't we Americans suffered enough by the hands of these momsters? How much longer do we sit idly by as Canada just sits there with all their free healthcare and legal prostitution before we invade? WAKE UP AMERICA!

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This Is Single

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Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne broke up. Radar Online reports:

“Brody and Avril aren’t engaged any longer,” a family friend tells Star magazine exclusively. “Things weren’t working out between the two of them. They decided to go their separate ways.” The friend explained that the couple — who have been together since early 2010 and got engaged over the holidays – have a rocky relationship. “[They] go through incredible highs and lows in their relationship and recently things have taken a nosedive,” the source said. “They are just taking things day by day before making any life changing decision.” Another source adds that they broke up because they got cold feet about getting married, but also believes this could be just a temporary break. “They got cold feet,” the source said. “I don’t think this is the end. It sounds like they are just taking a break for now. I’m sure they’ll work it out and get back together.”

I was kind of hoping these two crazy kids could work it out, but only because no one else in the world deserves to be subjected to them. One has a tattoo of his own name and the other is famous for singing about being “the motherfucking princess” and having teeth that belong on a necklace. If they’re going to end things, they should do it right. You know, with a suicide pact.

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Avril Lavigne Is A Catch

Avril Lavigne is known as a courteous, intelligent, kindhearted person, so when she got into a fight with a stranger, it came as a shock to everyone. Except now. TMZ reports:

Brody Jenner was cracked in the head with a bottle trying to break up a fight in Hollywood early this morning — and law enforcement tells TMZ … the fight was between an unknown girl and Brody’s GF, Avril Lavigne. According to our sources, Avril got into a dust-up shortly before 1:00 AM at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. We’re told when Brody tried to intervene … he took a bottle to the head from someone for his troubles. Law enforcement sources tell us hotel security broke up the fight and detained Brody and others involved. Police were called to the hotel and when all was said and done … we’re told the police report listed Brody as the victim of an assault with a deadly weapon. Our sources say Brody was the only one involved who spoke to police — the other combatants (including Avril) had split by the time they arrived. We’re told Brody refused medical attention and went to the hospital on his own.

This story confirms what you already think of Avril Lavigne. Avril Lavigne almost got her teeth knocked straight by a stranger because she’s a bratty, entitled, instigating little shit. Brody helped her out, so she left him bleeding to deal with cops alone. The only way she could be a better girlfriend would be to kick him in the nuts when he comes home to find her fucking his best friend.

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