Aubrey O’Day Knows What Week It Is
Aubrey O’Day Knows What Week It Is

 

As you might have noticed since last week, this is the time of year where celebrity gossip/news is boring. Turns out nobody gets divorced or wears bikinis during the holidays. But the holidays are a prime time for attention whores, because they know something they do might actually end up on a site somewhere. Fine. I'll play your silly little game, Aubrey O'Day. Also, boobs.

 

 

pic source = Instagram

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Aubrey O’Day Uses Twitter



Nobody has really seen her birth certificate, but wikipedia tells me that Aubrey O’Day is 27. However, 20/20 vision tells me that she’s an embalmed 48-year old who was exhumed and hooked up to a generator and brought back to life with the help of a secret government chemical that was leaked into the water supply. So, it’s good that she takes pics 50 yards from a mirror and covers her face. I only want to scream when I masturbate if my mom walks in on me.

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Have A Seat, Ma’am



Nobody likes a used up aged out whore who has to be tasered to stay out of a plastic surgeon’s office and dragged by her hair into a world that has moved on without her, but that didn’t stop Aubrey O’Day from putting on a bikini and going where irrelevant acts go to die: Las Vegas. She looks like a blowup doll. And not the picture of the person on the blowup doll box, but the actual blowup doll. The kind they use for target practice in zombie movies. Maybe after this she had dinner with Cher and Holly Madison. Or maybe Criss Angel. Or the Blue Man Group. Or other people in Vegas that nobody cares about.

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Aubrey O’Day Is Photogenic



Aubrey O’Day has been using her official Twitter as a soft porn site for the past week now, so of course last night wasn’t going to be any different. Last night being when she tweeted the banner pic with the below caption:

By POPULAR request… Tweets, welcome to my fishnets! Love/Hate: suck me in, wear me out!

I’m not seeing any fishnets, but okay, sure. She’s a white girl with a great ass. My penis’ target lock system has shot down a lot of these. What’s the big deal?

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Nobody Cares Whore



Okay, so maybe the Marisa Miller thing was a little harsh, because I never took into account that I would be posting pictures about Aubrey O’Day this morning. She’s still trying to whore out her Playboy to anybody who will listen, but too bad she looks like something Captain Kirk would fuck (NSFW/L). And that’s with makeup and CGI. Imagine the unadulterated hell it would be to wake up next to this skank. Christ, I’d rather wake up with my penis in a shark’s mouth.

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Sit Down, Whore



Not sure if you can tell, but Aubrey O’Day wants everyone to know that she’s in Playboy. Who knows why exactly, because just yesterday I jumped into the accelerator prematurely and leaped into the year 2541 where historians have called this the worst Playboy of all time. Theories include: no vagina and the fact that it’s Aubrey O’Day. Mystical elders from that time believed that it would be hard to masturbate to something that looks like you killed it in a video game once.

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Did Someone Say Aubrey O’Day Playboy Pics?

Scans, Playboy photos, I had to do some trolling so that you could tell a nipple from a smudge made by previous wanking-use. Now that some real scans and images from Aubrey O’Day’s Playboy spread are hitting the ‘nets, I thought I’d swing by and drop them off.

She is naked, which is a plus, but there’s something about her face that bothers me. But like I’ve always said, I’m not so much into faces as I am into facials.

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Aubrey O’Day’s Playboy Party So Unsexy

Aubrey O’Day attended the release party for her Playboy issue, hosted at the Playboy mansion with Hef in attendance. So who let her wear that single piece of horrible looking blue fabric and made her up to look like some sort of Japanese sex doll from the 80′s idea of the future.

Gross. She looks gross, and reminds me why mad Photoshop skillz in Playboy isn’t a bad thing.

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I Bet Club Axe Smells Like My Bathroom

When I was in college, Axe bodyspray replaced incense, air-freshener, soap and general cleaning around the dorm. If some guy puked on our rug, we’d drag it out into the streets and hit it with a can-and-a-half of Phoenix, and – BLAM! – just like new. But it’s affected me negatively, because the hint of vomit, piss or feces was only masked by Axe for a precious few hours.

Now the “Axe effect” for me reminds me that we all just wallow in our own filth daily. And what better place to be reminded of the human squalor than The Sundance Film Festival in Park city, Utah. A festival that used to be about movies, but now is attended by the likes of Michelle Trachtenberg, Paris Hilton and soon-to-be Playboy’d Aubry O’Day.

And all I can smell is musk and vomit.

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