Some dude hacked everybody and released all their financial information. And I really do mean all of it. TMZ reports:
Twelve big celebs and political figures are the victims of a hacker who has posted detailed information about what appears to be their finances … and we’ve learned law enforcement is on the case. A website — we’re not disclosing the name — has posted social security numbers, mortgage amounts, credit card info, car loans, banking and other info of major celebs. In addition to Beyonce and Jay-Z … the site has snagged financial dossiers of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Biden, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder and LAPD Chief Charlie Beck. The site was not able to get a lot on Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton, but most of the others on the list have had their financial info compromised. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the LAPD has already launched an investigation. We’re told the FBI is looking into it.
This list now also includes Britney Spears, Hulk Hokan, Donald Trump, and Michelle Obama, so needless to say, the FBI is now apparently all over this. It just sucks that he didn’t go after Christina Aguilera. I’d really like to know how many gas station burritos she buys every week.
It took more than a year for Ashton Kutcher to file for divorce from Demi Moore, and now three months later, Demi has filed her divorce response. It basically just asks for Ashton’s PIN. Radar Online reports:
Demi Moore has formally filed her divorce response to Ashton Kutcher’s previous filing, and her papers reveal a big cheating secret, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively. Moore cites the date of separation as November 17, 2011. That’s crucial because Ashton hooked up with Sara Leal in San Diego about a month BEFORE that — with Leal claiming that he said he was separated. But Demi’s papers show that she certainly thought they were still together while he was off with the other woman! And now she wants Ashton to pay. Demi is seeking spousal support from the super rich actor and wants Kutcher to pay her legal bills. She cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the breakup.
Ashton Kutcher is banging Mila Kunis and made $24M last year (and millions more in tech startup investments) for his role on Two and Half Men, making him the highest paid actor on television. On the other hand, Demi Moore spent 2012 having people call 911 for her and spending time in rehab. But Ashton Kutcher stuck his penis in a girl in Vegas once, so now he has to pay Demi a sum of money every month. Makes perfect sense when you think about it.
Since Lindsay Lohan has quite figured out how to suck money directly out a penis yet, she’s now hitting up her exes for money that she totally plans to pay back as soon as they track her down and harvest her organs to sell them on the black market to recoup their money. National Enquirer reports:
DESPERATE and destitute LINDSAY LOHAN is mooching money off of “Two and a Half Men” star Ashton Kutcher – and he feels so sorry for the troubled startlet that he’s having a tough time turning her down. Sources say the two had a brief fling years ago, so Ashton feels obligated to let Lindsay treat him like her own personal cash machine! Although their brief romance was never serious, “Ashton has always had a soft spot in his heart for her, and Lindsay totally exploits it,” said a source. “She has been asking to borrow hundreds of dollars at a time with the promise to pay him back ‘in a couple of weeks.’ Ashton knows he’s never going to see the money again, but he’s very loyal,” continued the source. “Even to a train wreck like Lindsay.”
I wonder how Mila Kunis feels about this? It must be pretty convenient when Lindsay shows up at his house at 3am with a cordless drill she just found. Lindsay even lets them keep it for $20 until she gets paid! What a steal!
If you want to see a hipster freak out then call their parents for an emergency constant praising and validation session, show them this clip of Ashton Kutcher as their Divine Leader in the new movie ‘jOBS’. In this clip, Steve Jobs is yelling at somebody because Jobs was an infamous douche who everybody hated. Later in the movie, he tries to sue Samsung because he thought he patented the rectangle.
The Steve Jobs biopic, jOBS, will premiere at the Sundance Film Festival this year, and here is the first release image of Ashton Kutcher as the co-founder, chairman, and CEO of Apple Inc and hipster demagogue, Steve Jobs. So, here’s two pictures. One is of an actor who played a retard in a television show once and is currently banging his co-star from that show, and the other is a egomaniacal asshole who made billions making easily breakable phones in China before dying of cancer. Leave your best guess in the comments!
Ashton Kutcher spent part of his time with Demi Moore banging strippers in Vegas and now he’s all over town with Mila Kunis, but it’s been almost a year since they split and Demi Moore has yet to file for divorce. Man, that’s weird. I wonder why? Radar Online reports:
As we previously reported, sources close to the couple have speculated that their Kabbalah wedding was just a symbolic ceremony and not a legal marriage, and her actions now seem to back up those claims. After Ashton was caught cheating on Demi on their sixth wedding anniversary they separated, and in November 2011 she released a statement announcing the “end of their marriage” but she has never filed for divorce from him.
Is everything about Kabbalah symbolic? What is that red string bullshit about? I mean, if you’re gonna go through with a ceremony, not make it legit? Like at the end of Star Wars and everybody got a medal but Chewbacca. Did he get a symbolic medal? Seems pretty racist to me.
Ashton Kutcher is somehow the spokesperson for Popchips, a potato chip company, and he did an ad that was immediately pulled because people said it was racist because a white guy in browface in 2012 apparently still offends people. Anway, via a message on their website, the CEO of Popchips apologized.
we received a lot feedback about the dating campaign parody we launched today and appreciate everyone who took the time to share their point of view. our team worked hard to create a light-hearted parody featuring a variety of characters that was meant to provide a few laughs. we did not intend to offend anyone. i take full responsibility and apologize to anyone we offended. – keith belling, founder and ceo of popchips
First off, who cares? Second of all, this CEO doesn’t use capitalization, so I really can’t tell if he’s serious or not. If he really wants to make amends he should shoot Ashton Kutcher in the face. Or do my laundry. I have to be honest, it’s really starting to pile up, man.
Ashton Kutcher thinks that blocking individual journalists’ Twitter accounts will keep them out of his business. Radar Online says:
Ashton Kutcher is one of the most followed celebrities on Twitter, but RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned there are certain people the Two and a Half Men actor is now blocking from his account — journalists. On Monday morning RadarOnline.com’s Executive Vice President and Editor in Chief at Star magazine David Perel and the Senior Executive Editor of both Radar and Star Dylan Howard were blocked from seeing Kutcher’s tweets, along with numerous other entertainment journalists in the industry, despite being one of his 9.3 million long-time followers. “@aplusk is awfully sensitive these days…blocking entertainment journalists on Twitter and using a lawyer on the Demi situation,” Perel tweeted from his @IMPerel account. “Sure @aplusk has banned @dylanshoward and me from following him, but we always had a lot more fun with Charlie anyway! #winning.” Perel is referring to L. Stanton Stein, the new attorney Kutcher has hired to make sure the situation between himself and his estranged wife Demi Moore — who was taken to the hospital a week ago because she was taking Adderall and had a seizure and suffers from anorexia — doesn’t reflect poorly on him. It was of course Star magazine who exclusively broke the details of Kutcher and Moore’s impending $290 million divorce, a full nine weeks before the actress announced they were separating. Star was also the magazine that splashed exclusive photos of the Punk’d star partying with a gaggle of blonde girls in the San Diego hotel penthouse, where he reportedly slept with 23-year-old Sara Leal on his sixth wedding anniversary with Moore, across their cover in October. “Just found out @aplusk has blocked @IMPerel and I from following him on Twitter. Now waiting for Kutcher state-run showbiz news service,” Howard quipped on Twitter. “Out of 9,355,302 followers, @IMPerel and I didn’t make the cut. What’s with that @aplusk?! Come on… I loved Dude, Where’s My Car?”
Out of 9+ million Twitter followers, Ashton Kutcher blocked a handful of entertainment journalists. That’ll work really well. Just the way Ashton not personally calling the tabloids after banging 22-year-old skanks worked out for him. Good lookin’ out bro!
Demi Moore, seen here less than a month after the world find out her husband fucked two Vegas skanks on their wedding anniversary, was rushed to the hospital Monday night after paramedics responded to a 911 substance abuse call at her house at 10:45pm. Man, what would force a newly separated woman on the wrong side of 40 coming to the realization that her husband of 7 years is a serial cheater to want to end it all with drugs and alcohol? Being really sleepy apparently. TMZ reports:
Sources tell us she is being placed in a facility to “seek further professional assistance.” Our sources say the treatment is for substance abuse. Demi’s rep tells TMZ, “Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”
Yes, “exhaustion”. That’s the reason. She was just tired so somebody had to call the paramedics and rush her to the hospital for immediate treatment for sleepiness. Sources inside the hospital say that she is recovering nicely in footie pajamas drinking chamomile tea while nurses take turns reading her Goodnight Moon. Haha just kidding I mean she’s probably on an IV getting her stomach pumped because her husband’s a douche.
UPDATE: She apparently had a seizure and is also being treated for anorexia. So, yeah. She’s doing great.
Every shitty actor in Hollywood is in New Year’s Eve, the sequel to the equally shitty Valentine’s Day. So of course Lea Michele and Ashton Kutcher were cast. Every time I see Lea Michele dressed up like this, I always wonder where the rest of the contestants in the evening gown portion of the Jewish Transvestite Pageant are, then I realize she’s the only one competing. But that doesn’t matter. Because Ashton Kutcher will literally fuck anything. No, really. Anything. NASA could announce they just found signs of vagina on Mars and he would immediately be on Priceline checking Mars’ hotel ratings.