If you've read this site for a while you know that I love me some Ashley Greene. Like, "love" in the sense that I'd bang her. But there's a whole lot of cognititive dissonance going on because she has the ass of somebody who is paralyzed from the waist down. Have you ever seen The Apparation? It's basically just 90 minutes of her running around in panties and not one single person tells her to put some pants on. Or at least some shorts. Christ, cover that up. We have a ghost up in here, I don't need to be freaked out by your ass too. But, yeah, here she is in some vintage swimsuit thing. So go take a look. I'm gonna go sit by gentle brook and think about this for a while.
If we didn't have enough bad news lately, Ashley Greene is now blonde. Why? Is she trying to hurt me? What have I ever done to her? Was the letter I wrote? Not my fault she doesn't like the smell of Drakkar. Lots of women like it.
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As you already know, I post every picture of Ashley Greene that the people who pay me pay for me to download, so here we are. I could write a bunch of stuff here or I can just point out that she's in yoga pants drinking liquid from a phallic object and how that object could be my penis. The subtext of what I'd write would basically be that anyway, so I won't waste anyone's time here.
A provision of my contract with I Don't Like You In That Way says that I must post every Ashley Greene that are available through our photo agencies, and even thoughh I just made that up, it sounds better than any other reason that would justify me posting pictures of Ashley Greene getting a manicure. Look, let's just go with it. I should also mention that if we dated she would save a lot of money on Brazilians because science has proven hair can't grow if a tongue is covering the surface area. Look it up. I think Joseph Lister was the first to publish.
I thought after her apartment burned down and she broke up with her boyfriend that Ashley Greene would be in the correct emotional state for me to trick her into letting me get her pregnant, and since this is a probably a run on sentence I'll just keep it going, so color me surprised that she was on on a date with Josh Henderson in West Hollywood this weekend. That's right, Ashley. Color me surprised. Whatever. Two can play this little game. I just waved to Kelly Ripa through my televison. I think we're dating now. Sorry. You had your chance.
Even though the fire that destroyed Ashley Greene‘s condo was ruled accidental, some of her neighbors were disappointed when she wasn’t found inside. TMZ reports:
Multiple sources in Ashley’s West Hollywood condo building tell TMZ … the actress was an utter nuisance — they say her unit was a revolving door for her fellow actors, friends and others who came and went in the middle of the night. The people who lived below Ashley say there was so much commotion above them they had trouble sleeping. On top of that, residents complained that Ashley didn’t control her dogs — which were incessant barkers. We’re told residents complained to building management, but nothing happened.
This condo is in West Hollywood, so I’m not sure what these people were expecting. People are rude there. It’s also right by the Whole Foods where Scott Bakula gave me the stank eye at the breakfast bar. Maybe it’s because I apologized for “quantum leaping him in line”. In hindsight, I think that was probably it. Yep. That was probably it.
Uhhh…happy Friday? TMZ reports:
Residents in the building who live near Ashley tell TMZ … Ashley’s brother and assistant had been going in and out of the condo all morning. One resident says she heard glass exploding in Ashley’s condo. The woman says Ashley’s chihuahua was inside the unit. She does not know anything about a second dog. As we reported, one dog was definitely saved...A firefighter and a neighbor on scene just told TMZ … one of the dogs died at the scene … under the bed. We have been told a second dog was taken by Animal Control … to be checked out. And, we’re told several other residents tried to fight the blaze with fire extinguishers. They were covered in soot…A firefighter tells us … Ashley, her boyfriend and her brother were out late last night and were sleeping when the fire broke out on the living room sofa. They ran out of the apartment, and then realized the dogs were still there. The 2 men tried to get back in to rescue them but couldn’t. We’re told Ashley wanted to keep the dog that died, so firefighters wrapped it in a sheet and gave it either to Ashley or one of the 2 guys.
Man, that sucks. I wonder how she feels knowing she let her dog burn to death under a bed. I bet she’s fragile and emotionally unstable right now. Thinking about putting my penis in a chihuahua costume and see if she’ll kiss it. Contact me at email@example.com if you need advice on how to meet women.
Every time you see pictures of Ashley Greene she’s either leaving the gym or at an event in a dress that says she’s been at the gym all week. What else does she do? Is she some kind of cyborg? She should pose naked then let me get her pregnant so we can all know for sure.
Photo credit = WENN
Ashley Greene also attended the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Awards. In this dress. I take it most people didn’t get a chance to see Emma Stone’s ghost.