Ashley Greene Says Twilight Has “Ruined” Her



Ashley Greene is on the cover of the November issue of Marie Claire, because she’s hot and needs to be on the cover of magazines. The only downside is that she also has to be interviewed. Us Magazine (via Marie Claire)
On how flying internationally will be so hard now:
“Twilight has ruined me. When this is all over, flying internationally is going to be very hard for me. It is just not worth it to buy a first class ticket, because of the cost.”
On how she became an asshole after Twilight but blames her friends:
“It was a hard adjustment going from zero to 100 in a day. But it was also hard to talk to [friends], because you don’t want to be a jerk. After [Twilight] came out, some people said, ‘You changed.’ And I said, ‘I haven’t changed, dude. Your opinion of me has changed because I’m working on this film.’ Trust me, my parents would let me know.”
On how is an asshole:
“I’m always here and there — everyone in my industry is — and that’s why a lot of relationships are fleeting. I’ve gotten very good at detaching whenever I have to go away for three months, which I realize is hard on friends and kind of selfish.”
On how she just wants booty calls whenever possible:
“You go on a couple of dates, and then someone ships off to do a movie. It’s not like you’re going to fly out and see them, because it’s not serious enough for that.”

Whatever. This whole interview is like firstworldproblems and humblebrag went out for dinner and agreed to go on a second date. Poor, Ashley. But more to the point, I just want to ruin her vagina. Can she talk more about that?

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Ashley Greene Does DKNY





I have no idea why people think I just want to bang Ashley Greene, because it’s much more than that. I want to hold her hand and tell her that she’s a brilliant actress. I want us to go on a picnic and feed ducks with our bread we made together. I want to skip rocks on a lake and brush her hair behind her ear. I want to cuddle on the couch and watch movies. I want to cook her breakfast in bed, and tell her she’s beautiful. Then, you know, fuck her in the ass at some point.

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Awww Yeah



Every time I do a post about Ashley Greene, I get a lot of comments saying “I don’t see the appeal”. And that’s fine. Look, being gay was just how you were born and you can’t help that. I get it. But please understand that doesn’t change the fact that I want to beat her cervix like an escaped slave. I just wanted to clear this up because apparently there was a misunderstanding. Get over here, silly. Give Todd a hug.

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Ashley Greene Went To The CMT Awards



Let me preface this by saying I don’t understand country music. Probably because I’m not white and country music is horribly racist and if you suck as a drummer it’s probably a good idea to move to Nashville. However, I do understand that I want to pound Ashley Greene‘s vagina into a fine powder. I just wish for her birthday I could take naked pictures of her on my phone then put them on a website overseas where U.S. laws don’t apply then share it with all her family and friends. I bet she’d like that. So would her family and friends because they’d know I was very romantic and thoughtful.

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Well, Good Morning Sunshine



Apparently Ashley Greene likes to drink multiple teas, so it should be obvious to her by now that we are meant for each other and should get married. I know my OK Cupid profile is just pictures of my penis, but all she has to do is say the word and I’ll take them down. C’mon, baby. How long must we play this silly game?

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Well, Hello There



Because at least one person in the fashion industry isn’t a raging homosexual, Ashley Greene is now the face of DKNY, and here she is at Macy’s Herald Square in NYC posing for pictures and signing autographs. She seems really friendly and engaging here, so I hope she loosened up and felt comfortable telling strangers about us. And how we’re getting married and how many kids were going to have. Two, we’re having two. One boy and one girl. And we’re getting a chocolate lab puppy and the children will play with puppy in our backyard and then maybe the girl will want to take karate instead of ballet and I’ll teach the boy to play basketball or chess or whatever he’s into because we don’t want our kids to be afraid to express themselves and be who they are and then I lick her vagina at some point in this story. I don’t know. I’m sure she had a lot to talk about.

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