A provision of my contract with I Don't Like You In That Way says that I must post every Ashley Greene that are available through our photo agencies, and even thoughh I just made that up, it sounds better than any other reason that would justify me posting pictures of Ashley Greene getting a manicure. Look, let's just go with it. I should also mention that if we dated she would save a lot of money on Brazilians because science has proven hair can't grow if a tongue is covering the surface area. Look it up. I think Joseph Lister was the first to publish.
I thought after her apartment burned down and she broke up with her boyfriend that Ashley Greene would be in the correct emotional state for me to trick her into letting me get her pregnant, and since this is a probably a run on sentence I'll just keep it going, so color me surprised that she was on on a date with Josh Henderson in West Hollywood this weekend. That's right, Ashley. Color me surprised. Whatever. Two can play this little game. I just waved to Kelly Ripa through my televison. I think we're dating now. Sorry. You had your chance.
Even though the fire that destroyed Ashley Greene‘s condo was ruled accidental, some of her neighbors were disappointed when she wasn’t found inside. TMZ reports:
Multiple sources in Ashley’s West Hollywood condo building tell TMZ … the actress was an utter nuisance — they say her unit was a revolving door for her fellow actors, friends and others who came and went in the middle of the night. The people who lived below Ashley say there was so much commotion above them they had trouble sleeping. On top of that, residents complained that Ashley didn’t control her dogs — which were incessant barkers. We’re told residents complained to building management, but nothing happened.
This condo is in West Hollywood, so I’m not sure what these people were expecting. People are rude there. It’s also right by the Whole Foods where Scott Bakula gave me the stank eye at the breakfast bar. Maybe it’s because I apologized for “quantum leaping him in line”. In hindsight, I think that was probably it. Yep. That was probably it.
Uhhh…happy Friday? TMZ reports:
Residents in the building who live near Ashley tell TMZ … Ashley’s brother and assistant had been going in and out of the condo all morning. One resident says she heard glass exploding in Ashley’s condo. The woman says Ashley’s chihuahua was inside the unit. She does not know anything about a second dog. As we reported, one dog was definitely saved...A firefighter and a neighbor on scene just told TMZ … one of the dogs died at the scene … under the bed. We have been told a second dog was taken by Animal Control … to be checked out. And, we’re told several other residents tried to fight the blaze with fire extinguishers. They were covered in soot…A firefighter tells us … Ashley, her boyfriend and her brother were out late last night and were sleeping when the fire broke out on the living room sofa. They ran out of the apartment, and then realized the dogs were still there. The 2 men tried to get back in to rescue them but couldn’t. We’re told Ashley wanted to keep the dog that died, so firefighters wrapped it in a sheet and gave it either to Ashley or one of the 2 guys.
Man, that sucks. I wonder how she feels knowing she let her dog burn to death under a bed. I bet she’s fragile and emotionally unstable right now. Thinking about putting my penis in a chihuahua costume and see if she’ll kiss it. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you need advice on how to meet women.
Every time you see pictures of Ashley Greene she’s either leaving the gym or at an event in a dress that says she’s been at the gym all week. What else does she do? Is she some kind of cyborg? She should pose naked then let me get her pregnant so we can all know for sure.
Photo credit = WENN
Ashley Greene also attended the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Awards. In this dress. I take it most people didn’t get a chance to see Emma Stone’s ghost.
Ashley Greene is on the cover of the November issue of Marie Claire, because she’s hot and needs to be on the cover of magazines. The only downside is that she also has to be interviewed. Us Magazine (via Marie Claire)
On how flying internationally will be so hard now:
“Twilight has ruined me. When this is all over, flying internationally is going to be very hard for me. It is just not worth it to buy a first class ticket, because of the cost.”
On how she became an asshole after Twilight but blames her friends:
“It was a hard adjustment going from zero to 100 in a day. But it was also hard to talk to [friends], because you don’t want to be a jerk. After [Twilight] came out, some people said, ‘You changed.’ And I said, ‘I haven’t changed, dude. Your opinion of me has changed because I’m working on this film.’ Trust me, my parents would let me know.”
On how is an asshole:
“I’m always here and there — everyone in my industry is — and that’s why a lot of relationships are fleeting. I’ve gotten very good at detaching whenever I have to go away for three months, which I realize is hard on friends and kind of selfish.”
On how she just wants booty calls whenever possible:
“You go on a couple of dates, and then someone ships off to do a movie. It’s not like you’re going to fly out and see them, because it’s not serious enough for that.”
Whatever. This whole interview is like firstworldproblems and humblebrag went out for dinner and agreed to go on a second date. Poor, Ashley. But more to the point, I just want to ruin her vagina. Can she talk more about that?
Ashley Greene attended the Butter premiere in NYC last week, and I’m not going to lie to you. She could have Downs Syndrome and be possessed by the devil and I’d probably still consider it.
I have no idea why people think I just want to bang Ashley Greene, because it’s much more than that. I want to hold her hand and tell her that she’s a brilliant actress. I want us to go on a picnic and feed ducks with our bread we made together. I want to skip rocks on a lake and brush her hair behind her ear. I want to cuddle on the couch and watch movies. I want to cook her breakfast in bed, and tell her she’s beautiful. Then, you know, fuck her in the ass at some point.
Every time I do a post about Ashley Greene, I get a lot of comments saying “I don’t see the appeal”. And that’s fine. Look, being gay was just how you were born and you can’t help that. I get it. But please understand that doesn’t change the fact that I want to beat her cervix like an escaped slave. I just wanted to clear this up because apparently there was a misunderstanding. Get over here, silly. Give Todd a hug.