Ashley Greene Did Health
Ashley Greene Did Health

Christ, today is boring. I really don’t know how else to say that to you. So here’s Ashley Greene and her fine self on the cover of Health. If you want to read what she actually said, click here to read about girl power body image and bad acting. You might also think the tattoo on her foot is dumb and you probably don’t like looking at it. But keep in mind, I was prepared today to write a think piece on Rachel Dolezal. You’ll look at that foot tattoo and like it.

Ashley Greene Health

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Jessica Lowndes’ Butt Is Working Out
Jessica Lowndes’ Butt Is Working Out

Ok, so apparently doesn’t want me to embed this video and Comcast doesn’t want to return my calls, but unlike my other one true love Ashley Greene, whose ass looks like it got frostbite and had to be amputated, Jessica Lowndes’ ass is a goddamn national treasure and should be worshiped and written about more than the stuff in the Bible. I’m not gonna lie, I’d eat it if there wasn’t condiments reality available.

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Ashley Greene Doesn’t Have A Rest Day

To be honest, I really don’t know what Ashley Greene does anymore except walking to the gym looking hot and walking out of the gym looking hot. Doe she do movies anymore? Is her agent getting her a fitness blog? What’s happening here? And why dies she still refuse to do squats? Why was it 73 degrees in Georgia yesterday and it’s 36 today? Why did my father leave when I was 5?

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Ashley Greene Smokes Crack Maybe

Hey, remember when Ashley Greene‘s apartment burned down and her dogs died because of a “candle” because bitches love candles? Turns out she was smoking rock and I guess she was too high to see every was fire.

Ashley Greene’s apartment that burned to a crisp last year had one remnant … a crack pipe, according to a sworn statement by the building manager. TMZ broke the story … Ashley, her boyfriend and her brother were all sleeping in the unit when a fire broke out after a burning candle ignited some nearby fabric. All 3 fled, but one of her dogs died. The fire did extensive damage to a number of units and a number of tenants/owners are suing the “Twilight” star. The manager, Adrian Mayorga, is also suing, claiming he suffered permanent respiratory damage. According to his sworn deposition — obtained by TMZ — Mayorga says one of the men who cleared out the unit after the fire told him he found a glass crack pipe. Mayorga said, he was the first person in the hallway after the blaze broke out and says he saw Ashley and the others “disoriented … they looked like they were drunk or under the influence of something.” Mayorga also says in the depo … “The only people I saw getting treated was Ashley Greene, her brother Joe Green, and her — the current boyfriend, Ryan Phillippe.”

But, wait! PLOT TWIST! A “source close to Greene” (her PR team) says there was no crack pipe.

A source close to Greene bashed the manager’s statement, telling Us, “There was no crack pipe found in Ashley’s apartment. It’s all hearsay from unnamed sources — Mayorga’s claiming he heard from a friend of an unidentified worker who may have entered the apartment. Additionally, Phillippe went on the record saying he wasn’t there.”

Totally. It’s all just “hearsay from unnamed sources”. And by that they mean, “building manager on record in his sworn deposition”. The unnamed source is Adrian Mayorga. Like, his name is right there in the article. All her PR team has to do is Google “Ashley Greene crack pipe” and they can see his name. It’s really not that hard to find. Maybe their Internet is down or something.

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Ashley Greene Did Women’s Health
Ashley Greene Did Women’s Health

 Ashley Greene hasn’t been on here in a while, so we need to changer all that, because she’s hot and Charlie Sheen and Joan Rivers are not hot. She is in next month’s Women’s Health where she’s talking about her exercise routine that still obviously take into account she has a butt. Ashley, I love you, I do, but please do some squats. Pretty please.

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Hey There, Good Lookin’

My boo likes her some coffee, so here's some pictures of Ashley Greene in Soho, well, drinking coffee. And walking! Don't forget walking. Walking in those short ass shorts. Maybe I should have opened with that. In hindsight, that's way more interesting than the coffee angle I took. I mean, I guess it all depends on what kind of coffee it is though. I'm an iced Americano guy myself. I find they are refreshing and give me a solid boost of energy in the morning. Glad we talked about this. I feel like you know more about me now. We're really opening up to each other. I like it. Text me later.

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Hey Boo

The liberal media will have you believe that you should be talking about Hilary Duff at the iHeartRadio Awards, but my unbiased approach would like you to focus on Ashley Greene. She looks like she's lost weight, and that's always a good thing. Also a good thing? Her legs over my shoulders. I just got a PR on my strict press, so she can basically just hang out as long as she wants. I have a few hours before I have to run to get some stamped fabric. Michael's is having a sale

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Ashley Greene Should Tell Her Gym She’s Moving

I don't know what the hell is going on with Ashley Greene's gym, but she's there like 96 hours a week and she still doesn't have an ass. I'm not a certified trainer, but I assume having your clients just stare at the squat rack isn't an actual exercise.

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Ashley Greene Should Reevaluate This Whole Gym Thing

 

Every picture you see of Ashley Greene is either of her going to the gym or leaving the gym, yet her ass is flatter than whatever you can think of that's really flat. Then think of something flatter than that. I don't know how much she's paying at this gym, but squat racks, barbells, and kettlebells aren't that expensive. And anybody can afford to do air squats, They're like the soccer of full body movements. You can do them at home, in the street, in a brand new arena that will be closed down soon because soccer is boring and stupid.

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Well This Is Disappointing

If you've read this site for a while you know that I love me some Ashley Greene. Like, "love" in the sense that I'd bang her. But there's a whole lot of cognititive dissonance going on because she has the ass of somebody who is paralyzed from the waist down. Have you ever seen The Apparation? It's basically just 90 minutes of her running around in panties and not one single person tells her to put some pants on. Or at least some shorts. Christ, cover that up. We have a ghost up in here, I don't need to be freaked out by your ass too. But, yeah, here she is in some vintage swimsuit thing. So go take a look. I'm gonna go sit by gentle brook and think about this for a while.

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