A Storage Locker Had An Old Pic Of Arnold Schwarzenegger Having Sex


My God today is slow, but if you’re a big fan of Storage Wars, I think some dude just won. TMZ reports:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been thrust into a very belated sex scandal … because there are reports that an old photo of a “young Arnold” performing a sex act has come to light. The photo is reportedly part of a treasure trove of artifacts that have been discovered in a storage space owned by late Penthouse founder Bob Guccione. According to the New York Post, the Arnold pic — along with a bunch of other VEERRRY interesting items — were discovered by a guy who went all “Storage Wars” and bought up a bunch of the lockers after Guccione went bankrupt. Among the treasures … unpublished nude pics of Madonna and Lauren Hutton … and Bob’s personal files detailing the situation surrounding his decision to publish pics of then-Miss America Vanessa Williams.

Man, this sounds like the greatest story of 1984. I think I might go to the mall and get a new jean jacket and some slap bracelets I’m so excited.

Photo credit = WENN

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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s White Son Is In ICU

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A fat kid gets on a surfboard. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. TMZ reports:

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s 13-year-old son Christopher is hospitalized after a serious surfing accident last weekend … so serious he has been in ICU for days …TMZ has learned. Christopher suffered multiple broken bones and a collapsed lung as a result of the accident in Malibu. We’re told Christopher’s condition has now been upgraded and he will be OK. We’re told Maria has constantly been at Chris’ side. And Arnold has been a regular visitor as well. We’re told in spite of the divorce, the entire family has come together as a unit in dealing with Christopher’s accident.

I don’t want to tell anyone how to parent, but maybe they should have bought him a Hoveround instead. I mean, well, look at this kid. Why is he riding a surfboard? You might as well ask him to ride a dragon.

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Maria Shriver Is Richer

Maria Shriver’s getting book deals. Big book deals. Radar Online reports:

Maria Shriver could get more than $15 million as a advance for a tell-all memoir, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned. Shriver, who filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger on Friday is the hottest topic in the book world. One top publishing exec told RadarOnline.com that California’s former First Lady could garner more than the all-time advance record, the $15 million paid to Bill Clinton for his memoir, My Life. Shriver is already the author of six best-selling books, including And One More Thing Before You Go… and What’s Happening to Grandpa? But a tell-all about growing up a Kennedy and especially her life with the cheating Arnold and learning he fathered a child by their maid, that’s a whole different story — literally — and it could set sales records. There’s no indication yet if Maria has any interest in spilling the beans, but that’s not stopping publishers from putting together deal offers. The hope of at least one extremely interested publisher is that she’ll agree to a deal once her divorce is finalized, even though the pub date might not be until after her youngest child Christopher turns 18 in 2015.

Initially I thought publishers may be overestimating interest in Maria Shriver and the attention span of the American consumer, but the eventual movie adaptation would look pretty cool. Disney’s still pretty powerful, so enough people would probably pay to see the Terminator banging Ursula behind Maleficent’s back for Maria Shriver to afford a sandwich.

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Oh, Mildred You Sexxxy Vixen You

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As you look at these pictures of Mildred Baena that Celebuzz jacked from her MySpace (thanks, btw), please keep in mind that Arnold Schwarzenegger was a two-term Governor of California and is an internationally known action star whose movies have grossed over $1 billion. And he had unprotected sex with this. This. She seems like a nice lady, but then you realize she tricked her husband into raising a baby that wasn’t his for ten years, so maybe this is just her La Quinta Inn & Suites smile. So not only is she a visual dry heave, but she’s an emotionless whore whose vagina must create a vacuum seal or be lined with silk, because I’d rather have sex with Megan Fox after she’s been in the morgue for three days than with this chick after she finished a cycle of P90X.

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Here’s Schwarzenegger’s Side Piece And Bastard Kid

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Every man knows that if you’re gonna cheat you trade up (ex. Brad Pitt), so it’s a little disappointing to see that Arnold Schwarzenegger got this chick, Mildred Patricia Baena, pregnant on purpose. Anyway, this is her. Standing beside her is the result of a quickie in the bathroom while Maria was getting a manicure. And please don’t send me hate mail saying I shouldn’t have called this kid a bastard. I mean, look at his eyes. It’s obvious he’s some sort of demon.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Had A Baby 10 Years Ago, Not With This Woman

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When the news of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver‘s separation was announced, people wondered what could have broken up a 25-year marriage. Well, fucking your housekeeper then getting her pregnant ten years ago and making your wife believe the housekeeper’s husband was the father might do it. TMZ reported:

Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that is what sent Maria Shriver packing … and right into the office of a powerful financial adviser to get her affairs in order to end her marriage, TMZ has learned. Sources say Maria was distraught after learning Arnold pulled a John Edwards. The baby mama worked for the family for two decades, retired and received a severance package, according to the L.A. Times. The baby was born more than a decade ago, but until recently Maria thought the father was the woman’s husband at the time. Schwarzenegger told The Times, “After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.”

Whatever. This is pretty much a non-story. I mean, he was married to Maria Shriver for 25 years. Of course he was fucking somebody else. I’m sure she’s a sweet lady, but Shriver looks like something you have to kill in a video game to advance to a new level. The only way I’d have sex with her is if my dick had frostbite and she was the closest thing to me.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger And Maria Shriver Split Up

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After 25 years of marriage, Arnold Schwarzenegger And Maria Shriver have separated. I think they had differing opinions on my Kelly Brook post. Us Magazine reports:

“We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and the center of both of our lives. We consider this a private matter and neither we nor any of our friends or family will have further comment. We ask for compassion and respect from the media and the public.” The Terminator actor and Shriver met in 1977 at a tennis tournament and married in 1986.

This involves a Kennedy, so I was expecting somebody to be found river or in a sea plane that’s not supposed to be a sea plane, so hopefully more details will come out to make this more exciting. Like Maria Shriver was having an affair with Michael Biehn. And that they met at Tech Noir, that new place on Pico.

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He Hasn’t Found His Dad’s HGH



Patrick Schwarzenegger was leaving a yoga studio in LA yesterday, and unless he’s chewing Winstrol, it doesn’t look like he found his dad’s bunker of steroids. In related news, people ask me why I do yoga fives times week. I don’t know if you can tell in these pictures or not, but it’s really good for the skin.

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Britney Spears Needs Government Assistance



On Tuesday, at the request of Britney Spears, Osama “Sam” Lutfi reportedly contacted a former representative of California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why? The most insane reason you could possibly imagine. NY Daily News says:

Britney says her civil rights have been violated and she wants to talk to Arnold about it,” says a source with firsthand knowledge of the conversation. Last month, Spears was twice committed into mental care. But she also believes her inability to keep a lawyer in her continuing custody battle with Kevin Federline is a “civil rights” issue. “She wants the governor to look into why she can’t get an attorney,” according to my mole.”

Wait, it gets worse. Much worse:

Sam was chewing on his dinner while he was saying all this into the phone.” The source also said Lutfi was highly critical of Spears’ father, Jamie, during the conversation. But while he was seeking an introduction to the Governator, he didn’t want to give out Britney’s phone number because it was “confidential.” “He wanted Schwarzenegger to call him, and he said he’d hand Britney the phone,” laughs our ear-witness.”

Man, let’s hope the Governor of California can help because someone needs to solve the mystery of why Britney Spears can’t keep a lawyer. Maybe whoever it is can hold her hand while they’re walking her back into reality and telling her that it might have something to do with this, this, this, this, this and this. Britney is the only one fucking up Britney’s life. In related news, only you are standing in the way of your dreams of financial independence. With my new real estate investing toolkit, you’ll be on your way to the life you’ve just only imagined. Call today!

Britney at Starbucks yesterday:

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No Clemency For Paris Hilton

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We received a stack of emails asking us to create a petition in response to Paris Hilton’s petition asking Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to intervene and keep Paris out of jail. And since TMZ is reporting the Governor has been made aware of Paris Hilton’s petition, we’d like to make him aware of ours. So…

Please sign our No Clemency For Paris Hilton petition.

Your email address is required only for validation and to make the petition more legit, but your email address is not published for anyone else to see. It’s a more reputable (using that term loosely) online petition site than the one Paris Hilton is using. Once there are enough validated signatures, we’ll send it over to the Governor. And I’m quite sure he’ll be flattered when I tell him I watched Predator and Terminator 2 about two times each over the past four days. It’s only because I was too lazy to go find the remote, but shh, he doesn’t need to know that part.

Update: Our petition is already getting press attention, and it’s only been active for a couple hours, so thanks for spreading the word, baby.

Update: Paris Hilton was caught on camera driving again yesterday.

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