Anne Hathaway Might Be ‘Barbie’ Now
Anne Hathaway Might Be ‘Barbie’ Now

 

Remember when 2017 tried to go full 2017 and we almost had Amy Schumer as a live-action Barbie? She dropped out for some reason. That reason was probably Barbie doesn’t eat a pack of bagels everyday. Apparently Anne Hathaway is now in talks to play Barbie, because a 34-year-old brunette is the obvious choice to play Barbie after an overweight blonde. I would have went with a transgendered chick myself since that would be good publicity and Trump would tweet about it and the movie would get great reviews even if it sucked. I should really be a studio executive.

 

Also, here’s Amy Schumer being passive aggressive about the whole thing.

 

Hathaway smathaway jkjk she’s perfect!! Can’t wait to see it!

A post shared by @amyschumer on

 

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Anne Hathaway Is Less Annoying

Anne Hathaway looks like she likes her own Facebook statuses, but tight leather pants make any skinny, moderately attractive chick less annoying. Even a generic, jar of mayonnaise like Anne. Her bodyguard looks like he might not agree with me, but he probably knows her better than I do, so I’ll defer to him.

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Cool Dress, Anne Hathaway

 

Have we as a society figured out why Anne Hathaway is annoying yet? I feel this dress she wore to the Colossal premiere in NYC is an extension of that. I don’t understand. I know she has like 89 teeth, but is she trying to hide them? We’ve seen them already. Did she go to a funeral ball after? I’m confused. Who is responsible for this?

 

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Anne Hathaway Is A Drunk Monster In ‘Colossal’
Anne Hathaway Is A Drunk Monster In ‘Colossal’

 

So basically Timecrimes is one of my favorite movies, and the dude who did that now dropped the first trailer for his new movie, Colossal. Let this sink in:

The film stars Anne Hathaway as Gloria, a woman whose life is falling to pieces thanks to a series of poor life choices and a bit too much boozing. When she loses her job and gets kicked out of her apartment by her boyfriend, Gloria has to relocate to her hometown, where she reunites with a childhood friend (Jason Sudeikis) and finds herself slipping back into her destructive patterns in no time. At the same time, a giant Kaiju starts popping up in Soeul, South Korea; destroying everything in its path, and Gloria starts to realize that she shares a psychic connection with the monster and her reckless behavior threatens to destroy more than just her relationships.

 

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty good time and an idea so original that its destined to make $45 at the box office. Also, Anne Hathaway has like 98 teeth and freakishly long arms, so this seems like pretty solid casting.

 

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Anne Hathaway’s Huge Boobs Have Made Her Empowered To Talk Shit
Anne Hathaway’s Huge Boobs Have Made Her Empowered To Talk Shit


Maybe we aren’t meant to know why Anne Hathaway is so annoying. It’s one of those mysteries of the universe things we learn when we die or take a lot of acid or whatever. 

Anne Hathaway quickly apologized on Instagram after she posted a controversial meme that dissed the Kardashian clan. The original meme featured a photo of Hathaway’s Through the Looking Glass co-star Helena Bonham Carter and read “In a world of Kardashians, be Helena Bonham Carter.

We live in a place and time where you write your freely write your opinion on the Internet, so naturally this was met with “backlash from Internet users who thought Hathaway was tearing down other women”. Ignoring it completely would have been a good option, but Anne decided to follow it up with this:


It never occurred to me I was pitting anyone against each other. Not my style. Peace x

A photo posted by Anne Hathaway (@annehathaway) on


The point of the original meme was shade. That’s why one would post it. And telling women to be Helena Bonham Carter instead of a family of fictional characters isn’t the worst advice. But the passive aggressive apology she did turn things around, huh? No? That sucks. Your boobs are fucking huge and you got an ass now, so get sucked in to all this and spend this precious time trying on dresses. Then go to events where people take pictures that I can post within the next business day.


Because, damn.

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Anne Hathaway Had Her Kid, Named Him ‘Jonathan Rosebanks’
Anne Hathaway Had Her Kid, Named Him ‘Jonathan Rosebanks’


Anne Hathaway had her first kid earlier tonight with her husband who designs monocles.  She once said this about him when they were dating:

“I’m so delighted by my boyfriend. He’s all the things you want a partner to be. I so find joy in his presence.”

So you know right there the sex probably wasn’t fun, but God didn’t intend it to be fun, heathens. You gotta begat. 

The Intern star welcomed her first child, a baby boy, with husband Adam Shulman on Thursday, March 24, PEOPLE confirms. The couple have named their son Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman.

You don’t pick a name like this unless you’re trying to honor some dead relative or whatever, but the kid sounds like he’ll grow up to be a land developer with at least one orphanage and free clinic in escrow.


I don’t think this hike was Anne’s idea. No way.  


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Anne Hathaway Defends Jennifer Lawrence For Being A Dick Now
Anne Hathaway Defends Jennifer Lawrence For Being A Dick Now


Anne Hathaway (who hides an annoyingly insatiable need to be liked with a veil of false humility) posted the following  rant on Facebook yesterday in response to the backlash Jennifer Lawrence (who hides a shitty chick behind a cult of personality who worships at the altar of her calculated and always impeccably well-timed “relatable girl” persona) is getting for being an asshole to a Golden Globes reporter who could barely understand English. Enjoy!

Dear the Internet,
It’s become pretty clear that the Jennifer Lawrence “scolding” was taken out of context and that she was dryly joking with a journalist who was indeed using his phone to take photos of her.
Let’s not continue the sad but common practice of building people – especially women- up just to viciously tear them down when we perceive them to have misstepped. Jennifer is a beautiful, talented, wildly successful, popular, FOUR TIME OSCAR NOMINATED young woman. Please let us not punish her for these things.


Sincerely,
A J-Law fan
‪#‎supportstrongwomen‬ ‪#‎imwithher‬ ‪#‎whycantwegiveloveonemorechance‬

God. Shut up, Anne. With your freakishly long arms and 97 teeth. Anyway,  in case you missed it, Anne Hathaway defends Jennifer Lawrence in the name of supporting women. You can support women, but you’re not really required to support women who are assholes. Only alimony requires you do to that. And if we’re being honest with ourselves here, Jennifer Lawrence has been in 22 movies. Two were good. Winter’s Bone and Silver Lining’s Playbook. And even that was better when she wasn’t onscreen. Four of the movies were just one big Battle Royale knockoff with white people. And another two were part of a comic book franchise that should have died in 2003. And the movie she’s nominated for this year is about a woman who sold a bunch of mops on QVC. So let’s not pretend she’s Meryl Streep. Wow. I’m getting too worked up over this for a Saturday. Breathe it out, Todd. Go to your happy place. The place that closes nationwide on February 8th. Damn you, E.Coli! I’m watching you, buddy. Don’t think I’m not. 


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Anne Hathaway Is Super Pregnant



Everybody has known since Thanksgiving that Anne Hathaway is pregnant, but leave it to her to make it super boring when she finally announces it. This caption sounds like it was written by 2nd grade teacher who listens to NPR podcasts on her way home to cook dinner with her roommate/sister. 


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Anne Hathaway Is Pregnant
Anne Hathaway Is Pregnant


Anne Hathaway is pregnant with her first child. I’m still pregnant from Thanksgiving. Probably not the same thing though.

The 33-year-old Oscar winner is pregnant, two sources have confirmed to E! News exclusively. This will be the first child for the actress and her 34-year-old producer hubby Adam Shulman, whom she wed in 2012. “Anne is in her second trimester and feeling great!” one of the sources told E! News.

Hathaway is 33 and has been losing roles to younger actors for a while now, so what better time to have kid than when you’re rich and have a pretty clear schedule? Sounds like a great time to me. She has an Oscar, a husband who I assume loves her, a baby, and 96 teeth. Some might say Anne Hathaway has it all.


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Anne Hathaway Is A Wonderful Person

FUN FACT: Anne Hathaway has swallowed strangers’ saliva and semen without her knowledge.

Hathaway was on the Paramount lot last week shooting a Japanese commercial when she ordered breakfast — a poached egg, along with an English muffin and avocado. The guys catering the shoot were going crazy, because she sent the dish back 4 TIMES!!

1st try: Poached egg too runny.

2nd try: English muffin was cold because it sat while egg #2 was being poached.

3rd try: Egg #2 cold because it sat while chef toasted muffin #2.

4th try: Egg, muffin and avocado were perfect, but it took so long she decided she was in the mood for a fried egg.

Anne Hathaway has 48 teeth, and freakishly long insect like arms, so who knows the real reason she sent these eggs back. Maybe she can only survive on raw meat. Or maybe she’s a bitch. Or maybe I posted this story because I didn’t have access to these bikini pics when they came out but now I do, so I’m posting them now. We’ll never really truly know, my friends.

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